Thinking Tree
Lloyd Dobler

Finn's
Lloyd Dobler

Will you sign my annual?

Dear Graduates,
without you I'm not a teacher. I need students to be a teacher. Now, I just work room security with my freshman for two weeks. I am leaving this BLOG up forever, four-ever-4-e-v-e-r! Shut up and write.
Love Lloyd

Finn's Day
My tree
follow

Jenn baby you're not alone

This is a depressing one I wrote a few months ago. Gross.

I function from my heart beat,
Though it chokes when I hurt.
I grasp for comfort,
Knowing otherwise I lost control.
It bleeds red, black, and rust,
Though never loses supply.
I need fresh air,
My body needs a cleanse,
Of all the manipulation and knots
I hold in my chest, my gut, my head,
Of all the things you’ve turned on me.
You always say its me.
But I’m stuck in a cycle,
Its no longer you,
But my fear of my future.
I don’t want to be happy,
I want to stay here.
One more fall will break me down,
After all I’ve been through.
No longer can I try to lift,
The burden I received from you.
Instead I gave up, and I will waste away
In this cycle.

Amazing how much changes in a few short months. Geez.

Oh goodness .. One last tear jerker from the queen of depressing. woohoo

Im sick off my own drugs
And life hurts in a silly sort of way
Why does love come in pretty bottles
Were all thirsty for freedom.

Trapped in a world we fall together
all of us broken and used
but we lay comfortable untouchable
Lay underneath my misery

Let me place it on your shoulders
Cause it wont leave me be
and i haven't eaten today
Im not worthy

My stomach is sick
From the life all that Ive felt
I hate feeling
Ill probably stop doing that.


want to hear another sad story
The sad girl writes it all
She doesn't want to know what's wrong with her
She just wants to be wrong

memoir woot woot!

It was the fifth grade, in the first weeks of school. That summer it had been brought to my attention that I had grown…but not in a good way. I had been transformed from the stick child that used to terrorize the neighborhood with his best friends, to a slightly taller, more round child who still shared the same traits as before, but that is hard to explain to the minds of other 10-year-old children. Each Mulvany hits this stage, just before puberty. We gain weight, mostly in our stomachs and face, which is very noticeable when just weeks prior I was able to hid myself behind a light post in a game of hide and go seek. What made this period hard in my life was that before this situation, I had always thought I was lucky to fall into the group of friends I did coming into elementary school not knowing a single kid from my neighborhood. I had gone to a different pre-school and kindergarten and when first grade rolled around at Governors Ranch Elementary, I didn’t know a soul. The kids who took me into their group the first day of school, who invited me to sleepovers and birthday parties, taught me swear words, and introduced me to my favorite sport, basketball, were now the same kids leading the verbal onslaught against me. I had gained weight, and now I was different. They would call me loser, and even at one point began throwing rocks at me when I thought I was safe from the world in my back yard .I was lost. I was alone. I had other friends, or more so acquaintances, but it wasn’t the same. The friends who had befriended me five years ago now had left me alone to rot. This was the first, but not that last time that I felt lost.
I remember sometimes having dreams where I would slice off the fat with a knife, and under that I would have my regular body and things would be ok. It was silly but I think I heard someone say it on a talk show and after that, it wouldn’t leave my mind. I was distraught and had no direction in which to turn to. My Dad never really knew about the situation because we weren’t close at the time, but my Mom was always there. She would pick me up once or twice a week and take me out to lunch so I wouldn’t have to go to recess with all the kids. It meant more to me then she will probably ever Know. But times moved on. I spent the rest of that year learning a new talent, a talent which maybe I learned from the kids tormenting me, but I learned how to isolate myself from the insults, by insulting other kids. I found kids mentally weaker than me and brought them down to make myself feel better. This went on until the end of fifth grade, and into the beginning of sixth.
This was the first hardship in my life, and though it took many years, I learned from it. I learned humility, and how much affect a persons words can truly have, being on both ends of spectrum. I learned that for no reason in life should some one ever compromise their beliefs, and I learned that true friends are hard to find. Furthermore, to this day, I still am self-conscious. I worry about how I look everyday, obviously, not how I dress, but how I present myself. As a result, from hating every minute of being fat, I now run and work out every day. I think it’s ironic that after going through that stage, that now my main talent in life is running, but I’m grateful for it. Finally, I can’t cry. I refused to let myself cry when I was little. When I would be made fun of and I would lock myself in my room. I learned to bottle up most emotions, and keep them locked away until I could let them out productively, and even now I still use the same method. I guess I feel that if I do let them out I am just giving into weakness, and that’s something I’m not ok with. Fifth grade came and went, but not with out leaving a few scars on the way.
I faced another hardship in the summer before eighth grade. This one was a bit different. It started when I met two kids at ken caryl who were always labeled different because of what they were into. They were both very into punk rock and skateboarding, and opened my eyes to a world I had never seen before. I remember when one of those kids loaned me two of her CD’s to burn, they were The Ataris and Unwritten Law. Just hearing this music I had never heard before was relieving. Hearing people growing up just like me, facing the same everyday problems of a teenage kid trying to find themselves, was indescribable. I knew that day that I had changed, I had found a new path through life. That summer I morphed. Instead of wearing clothes sporting major clothing labels, I wore things sporting band names who will never know a major label. Instead of riding my bike, I found my new way of transportation, a skateboard. And finally, instead of being that quiet kid in the group who never really had an opinion about anything, nor took a stand, I became opinionated, a true individual. I realized how unhappy I had been just trying to fit in, and realized how much better it was to do, and dress how I wanted. This new streak of not caring was exactly what I needed, but the only down side, was my friends did not endure the same epiphany I did. See at Ken Caryl, “Skaters,” had always been looked down on. Kids who dressed differently than the people in teen magazines, and who chose to skateboard instead of play organized sports, were never popular. Closed-minded kids would always pick on the individuals who decided to do something different with their life. When summer came along, I once again found myself alone. My friends were uncomfortable with the new Chris, but from the first hardship, I knew that I would not be happy either, being someone I was not, even if it meant having friends. I spent the first two weeks of summer alone. I skateboarded a lot, but it was hard when there was no one to skate with. Nevertheless, shortly after the two weeks, something I did not expect happened. I was lonely and was hoping for a miracle, and I guess my prayers were answered. My friends began coming back, and wanting to hang out again, but it wasn’t just the same kids I was used to hanging out with. They had brought new kids, kids I had never hung out with, and along with these other kids, they brought a new love of skateboarding also. They began to love skateboarding as much as I did, and we began hanging out everyday just as we had used to.
The rest of the summer, and the rest of my 8th grade year was like a dream. My friends and I spent every day doing what we wanted. Listening to new music, skateboarding, and just having a good time. Us skateboarding around the neighborhood also made us role models to younger kids. Instead of seeing the Circle Field packed with kids wearing khaki shorts and collard shirts playing some random sport, there were kids skateboarding on park benches. These kids had never been exposed to skateboarding, and just like in my life, they were changed as well. I had started something much bigger then myself, and all it took was sticking to what I believed in. My friends and I had a great middle school experience, while many kids did not. We found ourselves, and who we were, a long time before many other kids did. We made it quote unquote cool to be different. Of course, there were still kids who did not like us, but at the time, it made no difference. You can’t win over everyone, but that year changed my life, and made me into to who I am today. I love punk rock, along with music in general. I love to skateboard. I love to wear clothes that feel comfortable, but probably would not gain me the acceptance into a country club, and I love to flaunt my beliefs. I know everyone has an opinion, and everyone has beliefs, but I have mine as well. I think it’s great to hear about other peoples beliefs, but I will always stay true to mine. Meeting the world of skateboarding and punk rock changed my life.
Life seemed to be all up after that, I went in to high school, and of course felt insecure once again, but quickly over came that when I made varsity cross-country. The two hard ships in my life had started to pay off, but the third and most difficult of all was yet to come.
I knew something was wrong, but it was not until it was spit in my face that I truly realized what had happened. It was the summer before this year, and ever since the day I started my two jobs, and started spending more time working and less with my friends, that something had changed. It was four in the morning when what was wrong was brought to my attention. I had just finished watching a movie with my sister when I saw the message on my computer screen. It came as such a shock because I knew the screen name by heart. This was one member of my four best friends, one of the kids who I had devoted every free hour to over the past four years, but this was not a normal message. “ Chris I hate you, and so does everyone else. I hope you die, and tomorrow would be a better day if you were dead.” What does one even say to a message like that. I was dumbfounded. Who was this person, and what had they done with the kid who I had spent everyday with for four years. I tried calling him, and my other friends the next day, but they did not answer. I knew that this was real. I kept trying to call, and even on one event ended up hanging out with them, but only to find out that they truly did hate me, but to this day still not knowing the reason why. My friends, though a different group from the ones I had previously had the outs with in seventh grade, had walked out on me. At the time I thought it must be me and that I am destined to die alone. I was abandoned the summer before my senior year. Luckily, I had a job, so I devoted the rest of my summer to working as a lifeguard, and training for the upcoming cross-country season. I met new friends at the pool, and patched things up with my best friend to date who also had been disowned by our former group of friends, but the summer still ended on a melancholy note.
I’ve moved on from this situation, as I did form the previous two, as a man who is stronger, and has more knowledge. The friends who I had lost last summer and I still do not talk. I don’t know why they began to hate me, but I have no desire to find out. I look back and realize that last summer was terrible, but it was also the best thing that could have happened to me. They will remain nameless, but the kids who I used to call my friends and I had come to a fork in the road. My former friends chose a different path than mine. I chose to succeed in school and work hard to be accepted into a private university, instead of wasting my intelligence. I chose to continue with sports, and break previous records, which had stood at this school for many years, while my friends decided their talents were not worth as much as having what they called fun. Finally, I decided to grow up, and realize that life has only begun, and that it does not end in high school. That a few nights of studying, instead of a seven-day party schedule, is not a waste of life, but a gateway to opportunity. I prevailed, instead of withering in the face of hardship.
It is hard to loose a loved one, I know because I have lost them before, but what was the harder for me was seeing the kids whom I still loved walking down the halls, as if I were a ghost, because they did not care for me anymore.