Saturday, June 30, 2007

A glimpse of the class

How do I start to tell you how you have helped me.
Words seem to stall as I struggle to write what should have been said.
You taught me to use my words and make them flow in a sense more meaningful.
In comparison to others I am a novice.
Yet in my words you have shown me something more.
Both seem to know the ryhme was not meant to be mine but freeverse is a road I traverse.
Saving that life that seemed like an end where only 'Rescue me' was heard
The time came where I didn't want to move past it where I wanted to know the other where all I could do was make a wish and hope to be
500 words seemed surreal until one wrote about writing, writing that could never be conformity, writing that gave me a window and let me breathe in and create a new story out of a series of questions
Not knowing what my human heart was about I failed to see the memoir that had unfolded even after I read it.
Through it all I listened for a change and through it all I learned that the change was mine
That this change was given to me by the one who inspired my words to flow in different ways.
Thanks Leyba.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Love Is Fugacious

you heard me.

FUGACIOUS

~and that was that.

Love,
Digress.

Perfectly Shattered

I know you say the past is the past,
You shouldn’t live in it,
You should live in the moment – not in the battles lost.
But I can’t seem to do that.
Skeletons in my closet are creeping into the present.
Things that I worked so hard to get rid of,
Now foreshadowing my future.
I'm falling - I’m giving into the lure.
They seem to make me feel unintentionally whole,
When in reality – I am so broken.
I’m broken.
I have been for so long.
Still turning to things
that I know aren’t right – they’re wrong.
When it seems like I finally have everything together at last,
My whole world begins to fall down around me – crash.
I turn to the things that once made me whole,
Knowing they can work again – heal my broken soul.
I gave in.
And every time I’m giving in,
It feels like I’m becoming less-broken,
When really,
I’m becoming less-whole.
It’s like a perfect window
when suddenly hit by a rock
First it hits...
Breaks...
It pauses...
Breaks further...
Pauses again...
Then eventually shatters.
So I’m not broken…
I’m shattered.
Everything I turn to is only a pause in my break;
I’m moving two steps back for every step that I take.
Temporary.
Those are the things I turn to.
I know this, yet it’s still what I do.
Trying to make these things permanent
Instead of finding something real
Something that will never make me fall.
I can’t find it.
I can’t tell the difference between bringing myself up
And breaking myself even further.
I am not whole.
I am shattered.
And if I am shattered
broken
- lost -
Then how am I supposed to give a whole heart?
I don’t have a whole heart to give.
I don’t want to be shattered,
I want to be whole,
But that just doesn’t seem to be the plan right now.
I don’t like who I am.
And if I don’t like me – who I am,
If I’m not content with myself,
If I don’t love, much less like, who I am – who I have become,
Then how can I let someone else fall for me,
When I know that I am incapable of loving them back?
Because love for myself I shamefully lack.
I have no heart to give.
I don’t want someone to give me theirs
And expect something in return,
Because I am not capable.
I am not whole
– but I want to be made whole –
I want to be the pieces of shattered glass
Put vigilantly back into place……
Perfection.
No breaks.
No pauses.
Indestructible.
I will no longer be shattered.
Unspoken.

Don't Call

they're melting
not just wilting
but actually melting
and i watch them
Drip
Drip
Drip
right onto my carpet!
i like that carpet!
GOD SAVE THE CARPET!
if there's one thing you do
in your entire life

save the carpet.

when they drip its so sad
they shudder and shake
with a sound of sonic booms
going off like sirens
and shaking my house
shaking my windows
scaring the cat
and i know its all because of her
all due to the fact
that she had to call me up
just to melt my flowers
so i said
goodbye,
grabbed a watering can
and rushed to the melting
beauties that
had just been abused
by her verbal
assult of her own
alleged friends.

~Friends, do they ever truely exist? i believe so, today was a hot day.

Love,
Digress.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Queen Anne's lace

Forty-five and one-half carefully arranged flower petals keep close watch over the happenings of the backyard. There is a pane of glass that keeps it safe from June, and when January comes the children do, too, and with foggy words the mitten fingers write loose and sloppy sentences in unabashed love and wonder. The red head with freckles keeps close tabs from the sidewalk. Sometimes she crosses her fingers and hopes for the best. And that bouquet in the window seems to pine for the sun, its leaves turn heavenly and press against the glass.It's summer, again, halleluj.

In comes that tender hand and fills a pitcher -- twenty-one uneven drops of water miss the mouth and fall into the bottom of the sink, and coalesce in loose formations that look like continents that never were. Giant bodies of water that touch at the tips and wonder how do, and what's new, and how are those lilies? But those words never quite seem to make it; that hand pours that pitcher like April showers over the flowers and sustains them, and twenty-one drops of water slip silently down the drain. And then there's that distance. And then there's that silence, oh, but goddamn for that silence. And turns the world, again, giant continents speeding toward each other with merciless speed, a cosmic collision of tectonic titans, that wonder as they wander how do, and what's new, and how are those lilies?

And then there's forty-six flowers, and gravity tugs a little bit harder and down comes twenty-two uneven drops of water, pooling in the basin and looking upward as the pane fogs up, and here comes those hands, and that girl on the sidewalk -- older already! -- and we'll cross our fingers this time, and you'll look up at heaven, and goddamn for that distance, but we all love you the same.

why can't i just...

I wish this wasn't something I had to feel
I wish from you my heart I could steal
.....back
How bad I want to see you
It hurts to remember the view
from underneath you
(cuz I want....miss...crave it)

I hear you've become someone new
Transformed, different than the guy I knew
but that's something I won't face
I just won't see you that way, it's not right-falling from grace
I shouldn't judge
but you oughtn't change
The you I love...(d) is the you I miss

don't get me wrong, I'm happy here
but losing you...I more than fear
you were a best friend and I can't let it go
I know you know I won't let it show
We grew we laughed we played and cried
I miss you there to guide (me)
I want your friendship
Isn't it funny how the sides do flip

I'm sorry...I wish I could lie some more
but.....I'm your emotional whore

Thursday, June 21, 2007

If you are asking for love, than this is as close as I can get

What I wouldn't give for one more try? One more day, a second in time. Just to smell your smile, and your hand in mine. And I thought it was just regretable, but I can't deny your unforgetable. And it's undenyable that time has pasted to fast for us to be pliable, but I'm still stuck on your smile. And it feels like shit when I forget to forget, even if you quit and I prayed to be over it. So I'm not stuck in a sin, just this sad state you brought me up in, and I swear I would do it again, with these feelings still trapped with in. I try to pass the ball, pretend its not my fault, but that's no better than scrubing in salt, cause it's only half your fault. If you let me go then let me know, cause I ran out of things to hold, just stuck with a ghost and a mold, and words and songs that make me sound to damn bold. Filled with these words I'll never say, and confodence that fades away, and that smile that breaks the rains as I break away.

With my backpack packed and a mark on the map, I'm gonna drive to fast, gonna not look back. Light the night with a blow torch and a match.

Hold up stick your nose up....

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

laa you

best
friends
love
i hate those
words.
words they are.

meaning:
worse
enemy
hate.
meaning.
meaning what?

honestly:
i
iloveyou
i
ialwayshave
i
ineedyou

you:
dont
b e l i e v e
a
single
word.

truth:
you are
the
ONLY
person
i
cansee
myself with.

confession:
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
love you more

Monday, June 18, 2007

Day

*side note-I finally got a gmail account*

Hello old friend. Where have you been hiding? Perhaps behind a mountain or just beyond the horizon. It is good to see the light you cast. Here on this morn the birds sing to you in greeting and the butterflies come to play. How we have missed you so, dear Day.


~Reikan~

Friday, June 15, 2007

Welcome Back, Summer

this is the summer feeling you were never prepared for
the sinking emotions that drag you below the sculpture
of your stone tablet decadence that you create with these pens
your left all alone now thinking about your friends
when the memories try to laps you fall into a translucent mind
looking right through the activities that you preformed blind
welcome back to the survival rate of individuality
now is the time to pursue a new from of balancing
the time spent alone and the hours spent unnoticed
between liquor lines and high times that were partying motives
in the spring we all feel the essence that summer will bring
but when we're trapped in a summer we see the albatross' ring
a perfect circle with no lucid escape hatch has become the songs we sing
once again we're walking this dead end road
just waiting for a chance to listen to stories we have told

welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak
welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak

this is the time that we walk hand in hand
whispering lies of love we try to withstand
never again will we reach past the stars we have canned
opening the things we see in these dreams we prolong so vividly
the summer brings the death that will keep our lives moving slowly
not enough time is allotted to allow our instinctive reactions to build
swallow your friends with a glass of water and a pill
simple pleasures complicate the season and surely start to kill
the endorphins that have grown into a new form of identity
building us up to destroy this nations hard earned penalty
supporting our right to party like great Gatsby on T.V.
those were the last words of the summer it was speaking
line by line it will process the spectral nights into
NOTHING
after all, that's what we're waiting for
so welcome back to the diner with an open door
a policy of no oppression and an open forum
walk tall and welcome back
i hope your mind is still on track

welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak
welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak


~I hope everybodys' summer is absolutely unmatched in any way. mine is.




~been a long time since i hiped and hopped.

Love,
Digress.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

vivo

so beautiful
these heartbeats you make me feel
so inseparable
our souls entwined like fingers of lovers hands
we combust:
react vigorsously with oxygen...produce heat and light:
we are
seen as a flame

nights and stars and bubbles it's poetic
no chalkboard to erase
it's permanent ink...this time
find.no.fault.

i
love you
i
need you



Monday, June 11, 2007

Summer nights

It's like a dream. One where you can't decided whether waking up (to the real light) is best, or you are complacent tossing reality out, and waiting for the light to find you. And I can ask god for the answers to these questions (the ones i am to afraid to ask), but he has already given me the answer. I have to ask those questions. I am scared to grow. Not because of what I will become, but because i am scared that things will hurt more, cut alittle deeper, sting alittle bit more. Like a hard ball in winter, except the sun is out. The streets, are alittle bit softer, the holes alittle bit shorter. And the laughs alittle bit realer. Sometimes a friendship is the things that we don't say. The things we show. The glint of a smile when no one is looking. The inch of space you are given when you wish someone would smother you. Shake you. It's two months, and we can say they will be to short. Or we can pretend they are to long. But either way we get to choose. And as long as we are alive, then we made the right choice. The answers are burried, but I'm not digging. I am looking up.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Life Lines

lies
deception
false hope
sit around
every corner
and on
every curb

the only way to
rise above
is to truly believe in

love

and the only way to believe
is to actually do
and to actually do
it to actually spread

love

all on its own
placing it on a pedestal
and worshiping it in your own
subtle
ways


~Leaving today. gonna get away from the try hards.

Love,
Digress.

Friday, June 01, 2007

And with the bay unfurled like the curls of sheep and coats of marine, a fisherman is counting waves under the mast of his ship until he falls fast asleep. Sunshine showers. Tourists swell the apertures of their cheap cameras with hopes to live in the photographs once they return to their dreary homes. Seagulls wish you would listen as they perform their choirs and plays. You, crowds, so hopelessly clouded in shades of insouciance, so distracted, you; whos and whoms and whose--- the quiet coos of anonymity. But we all want to scream like the gulls, unabashed even if they're unnoticed, jovial even if they're annoying.

yEStERYEar