Start Your Engine

you think you are
i wish you could see
you mean so much to me
as a sister
a relative
maybe even a best friend
please don't make this the end
you've come so far
there is a streak of light in your future
just give up the weak parts
i know you will last
forget and move on from your horrible past
doesn't have to be fast
your friends are here waiting for you
they are the one thing that will last
deep down in your heart you know
your not those horrible things
people around you say you show
stick it out
what you have are only knick's
we all have those too.
so give it a good kick
start your engine
and open your heart
to a new kind of question.
this is a brand new start.

I Am

I am the red and blue lights in my rearview mirror,
I am the shattered glass that cuts deep,
Not just physically, but to the core.
I am the broken mirror from, once again, slamming the door.

I am a wilted flower; a misfit – in your perfect garden,
I am an over-stayed welcome where I thought I’d forever belong.
I am the middle child, the screw up, the one who is always questioned.
I am everything you never wanted,
I am the mistake that screwed up your beautiful painting.
I am the unfulfillment in your fulfilled household,
I am a wrong turn,
I am every chance that is blown.
I am the broken promises, so thoughtlessly spoken,
the ones that hurt so bad; the ones that leave me cut wide open.

I am the tears falling from my blue eyes,
releasing all the pain within.
I am guilty of a terrible crime,
Being this bad of a daughter is an appalling sin.
I am the failure that is always reaching for success, but never quite gets there.
I am the apology unaccepted,
I am the impossible, given up on, prayer.

I am every scraped knee, every broken heart,
I am the reason my family has fallen apart.
I am a flame, burned out of my light,
I am the back against the wall, tired of all these fights.

I am the tear stained paper that I am writing on,
It’s my only escape, my only control,
I am the shiny object that dwells deep in my past,
Taunting and teasing, “come back to me, I made you whole”.
I am the chance to give in,
but I stand strong and won’t let my past win.
I am the fake smiles, the fake laughs, and not to mention the false love,
I am all the answers that I need from above.
I am the disappointment that's as thick as honey in your eyes,
I am the unseen tears, the unheard cries.

I am what I am,
and I don’t see why you don’t understand.

6 Outstanding Love Songs.

1. Drawing Curtians.................................(Buck 65)
2. Cafe Girl................................................(Sage Francis)
3. You're Pretty Good Looking..............(The White Stripes)
4. All There Is To Say About Love........(Bike For Three!)
5. Heartsprings.........................................(Heiruspecs)
6. Phil.........................................................(Buck 65 [again])


~Something different for once. i think i have a musical crush on Buck 65...

Love,
Digress.

Dancing Softly In The Dark.

there's so much love to go around
taking shallow breaths as not to make a sound
quietly loving and quickly inducting
never abducting, unless it was my heart
taken from the start
by her, the hunter in the dark
senses keen and kills set so clean
hiding in the bushes, back behind the scene
i think she's been walking in my dreams
and i don't mind it no matter how obscene

love letters set in stone
the tablet was chiseled from foam
love letters that were so outspoken
the tablet that was so well known
love letters set in stone

i'm waiting for something tangible
because i need to let the words out of my skull
something so delectable, i could eat an entire barrel
not too vulgar because i like to watch my language around the female
she's got broken hearts that number up to a hefty sum
my arms outstretched i'd hold her together when she felt the need to run
i'd like to give her gifts in french so she could fell penance
and all the bad things would be left in remembrance

love letters set in stone
the tablet was chiseled from foam
love letters that were so outspoken
the tablet that was so well known
love letters set in stone

i'd dance all night to the heart beat she produces
wouldn't rest my feet, i'd just take off my shoes
sit on the couch and watch the sun rise with the clues
of another day we can get to know the pairs of twos
learn the ins and outs -- the don'ts and dos
so as not to leave a painfull bruise puddling up the nasty fluids
no i don't want the pain, on either person's brain

love letters set in stone
the tablet was chiseled from foam
love letters that were so outspoken
the tablet that was so well known
love letters set in stone

its the only way, we can possibly try to keep sane
living every day, with accomplishments to claim

love letters set in stone
the tablet was chiseled from foam
love letters that were so outspoken
the tablet that was so well known
love letters set in stone

~ short versus... are don'ts and dos posessive in this case?

Love,
Digress.

One little step

Recently, I started to realize that there is something more in life. And you can call it gods will, or call it evolution, but I know it’s just better not to question it. Some people can live in the moment, they look happy. The kids who are always kissing, always just a little too far gone, and a little to loud. They are happy looking forward just as far as next weekend. Then there are the kids that look a little be sadder, a bit quieter, and aren’t as concerned with being the center of the party. I think that these kids aren’t the losers, the shy guys, or the people with personality flaws. No, these are the kids that are starting to get it. Starting to realize that on some small planet in the middle of a galaxy sized nowhere, we are alive. And they can’t quite figure out why we can’t find anything else alive anywhere, or why it’s so important to look, but we do. You hear someone and you know which type of person they are. And don’t get me wrong, neither is bad. They are both learning what it is to be alive, in their own way. And as much as I feel like the grass would be greener living in the moment, I cant help but be excited at the fact that I’m about to find something. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like one more little step and ill get it. I have heard people who have found it. And I’m a little bit jealous.

a feeling i can only write

If I had a thousand million wishes
they would be wasted on you
If I could dance my last dance
how long would I have to search for you
If you stole my last breath
I'd only wish I could give you another
If we quit this whole thing together
would you be the first to walk
...God I wish I could cry in front of you

Not-So-Accidentally Distracted

I'm thinking of you while I should be working,
but I seem to be having a bit of trouble focusing.
I can't get your words out of my head,
so truthfully written, so truthfully said.
I barely know you,
but I know that you care,
that counts for something right?
It has to...
You've shown that you care
and I want to get to know you.
I know that my past is full of
not-so-little mistakes,
and that my response may have been a little too late.
But don't walk away,
You said you could see behind my eyes,
behind my skin,
behind the lies that are buried within.
So here I am,
I'm opening up,
I'm giving you a chance.
I want you to be the one who will lift me up,
and will maybe hold my hand.
But, please,
I ask of you one thing;
just walk away,
if you plan on hurting me.
If you don't,
then please,
continue pursuing.
*EXCUSE ME*
Huh?
Oh great,
a customer....
back to work I must go,
I got distracted by you
and I'm sure that in my eyes it shows.
Walking past the doors,
looking out into the pouring rain,
I quietly whisper,
"I wonder if he feels the same"...

The time traveling construction worker

These tears breed happiness, time waits, so scandals. Holding on till it can handle us. Waiting to break us down, when we forget it’s endless. To often we leave it to fate, let our minds debate while the moment hesitates to wait and it becomes to late. You see, we can’t change the past. It’s locked behind a mirror, triple pain glass. And if we let it, it guides our mast to unknown shores where happiness can’t last. With one broken day that memory becomes a stain that won’t scrub away. And that’s the price we pay while we fail to realize that we shaped it that way. There is no time traveling construction worker, no searcher, no memory lurker, trained to make days shorter and pains blurrier. No white out bleach, memory sucking leach, or wall that can be breached to a place of peace. There is only this time around, what happens here and now, and how loud we let the echoes of pain sound as they leave our world, straight into the ground.

Hold up, stick your nose up.........

We Could Breathe

lungs inhaling simultaneously, blood vessels cumbusting spontaneously
drawn together by words of glory, love letters written in the early morning
there was two million ways to recognize the messages on her face
he could read them with the fingertip he used to graze
flying above the turmoil from here to there and every place
dive right in and don't look back, no time to drown agony confide to the case
dial in the combination looking for signs of evaporation, nothing gone without a trace

brief case
sitting on my bed
filling it with clothing made of led
weighing down plans that fled
my brief case

no time to spare, enough time to straighten out the square
ninety degree arrows pointing out that buyer beware
we worked like a dinosaur and collected dust like mop hair
labor intensive, we can pick up this tile, and destroy the bile
love was never out of style, especially because we took it mile by mile
behind eyes are the hidden lives, within our hearts are the fire starting files
between the two of us we keep them tucked away, until the things get to making us smile
end to end we can bridge our smiles and break down the words of pretend

brief case
sitting on my bed
filling it with clothing made of led
weighing down plans that fled
my brief case

papers and pens stay quiet like library friends
keeping things together like an organized mercedes benz
scared to make amends but we can rise above these anger pains
we walk together and walk away from the taints
laugh at past times when we looked, eyes open for saints, but we still broke the chains
took pictures out of frames to express how much the outside tries to constrain
within a matter of weeks we exploded into a fire nobody could try to maintain
fire departments left it to burn itself away, but wild fire is never tame

brief case
sitting on my bed
filling it with clothing made of led
weighing down plans that fled
my brief case

if we only knew a little more, breathing could settle this score
love was a thing that lay between two lungs in the rib cage scene
if we only got close, we could breath.
if we only got close.

we could breathe

brief case
sitting on my bed
filling it with clothing made of led
weighing down plans that fled
my brief case

~Misguided Mistakes Mismatch and don't matter that much.

Love,
Digress.

P.S. Everybody go check out Bike For Three! (inspired this) www.myspace.com/bikeforthree
Buck65 on vocals
Greetings From Tuscan on turntables.

A Face With A Name - Reply

You’re pretty good looking as well.
yes, you are right, I’ve had my share of crooked times
and I’ve been though what seemed like hell.
I need all the void cleared out of my life,
though, believe me, that could take a while.
Yeah, you’re just another boy,
or another hero, or whatever you wanna call it.
And yes I am hesitant,
but only because of my past regrets.
So many times before that didn’t end well,
And those times only caused my heart to turn cold, as hard as lead.
For me: the package you sent,
I got it, I caught it, and read it.
We met yesterday – of the day you wrote your message,
Now it’s been what?
A week? A week and a half? Maybe two?
The message you wrote is my inspiration for this,
I love to write, so you could call it a passionate flame,
But I guess, for me as well, inspiration is really to blame.
You witnessed the candid presentation,
with no real-life information,
yet you were curious, eager, and concerned.
My writing comes from deep inside -
how I feel about all of my experiences.
Not many people can see
behind my eyes, behind my skin,
behind the lies that are buried within.
You saw my dedication,
And my truthful inside cry,
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is never a good thing,
But I was thinking that
I might-maybe-may-
give this a try.
So Hi, it’s good to meet you too,
You told me that I’m talented......
Right back at you.

Wow

Hey I figured it out all by myself!!!

Sacred Scared Beauty.

the woods swallow me
whole
i'm lost in its gigantic
carpet
the floor of this sarcophagus

a bad idea i
think
darker and darker as i
approach
the hallow tree stumps

in the mist and piercing
needles
something so odd seems to be
salvation
an ax lays in my path

my eyes pick up the
tool
with each swing
i cut
..........CHOP
......................CHOP
..................................CHOP

breaking the silence seems like a
crime
nature has a tendency to be
voyeuristic
the animals watch and wait as i

..........CHOP
......................CHOP
..................................CHOP
chopping into the
night.


~the woods have always scared me at night. but mystified me with its beauty.

Love,
Digress.

Complicated Simplicity

Tonight, I was vulnerable.
I let loose and cried.
Hours and hours had gone by and still
the tears just kept trickling down my swollen, red cheeks.
Drained physically, mentally, and emotionally,
my body was tired and weak.
Shaking uncontrollably, blinded by my tears,
I was quickly losing control,
and started becoming more upset.
Spilling out my heart,
though there were things I wish I hadn’t said.
Telling my best kept secret
of how life was at home,
saying that it’s no longer the same,
and that I’m practically on my own.
My welcome is over-stayed;
it’s clearer now than ever before,
The fights,
the screaming,
the yelling,
and “I hate you’s”
now happening more and more.
Always ending the same,
with me crying,
leaned up against the wall,
the tears, full of pain, begin to grow heavy
and down to my knees I fall.
Banging my fist on the floor as hard as I can,
I need answers now more than ever.
I need answers to everything,
especially why, from my family, I am being severed.
How can they not see
how their words are affecting me?
Do they have any idea that I cry a lot,
mostly now because of them?
Crying myself to sleep at night,
for I know the clear message that’s been given.
The message has been sent,
so congrats,
you succeeded,
you made it clear as daylight
that I’m no longer needed.
Through my tears and my sobs
I hear everyone telling me to simply just ignore,
but its complicated simplicity,
because, you see,
my heart has already been torn.
Promises were broken,
promises that meant so much to me.
Promises are better left unsaid,
because there’s no room for disappointment,
no room for “broken” to ever be.
Time moves on,
and it grows into the late night,
still the tears are cascading,
as I sit in this room with one light.
Tears staining this paper on which I’m writing,
it seems to be my only control,
my only way of fighting.
Tonight I was exposed,
my feelings were clearly expressed,
and I thought that by doing so,
the number of tears I cried would be less.
They have only increased,
and stopping them – I am not capable…
Tonight, I was.........
I am.............vulnerable.

Love letters not yet in fashion

Your hand in mine, I wish more of the time.
Fearful kisses, not yet remissive
Not yet leaving cherry pink lips’s
Fleeting memories, and contemplating amenities
My only home sickness remedy

My rhymes not yet put into action,
Brain waves move up the spine, giving way to chemical reaction
A new brand of attraction, pulling down the veil of passion
Love letters not yet in fashion

My days are nothing but these long nights
Playing the same track that feel right
Prayers for sleep, prayers for answers
But I don’t find either, not tonight
No not tonight

Scared; I can say I never cared
Scared I can say I never cared

Swell Is The Ocean.

The ocean Swells
Dwindling on the coast
Then returning to its gigantic...

..mystery.


the ocean...
........................................................killed somebody


the ocean...
........................................................was looking sooo



.. lovely.



~The Deadliest Catch in my future. prepare for departure.

Love,
Digress.

Accidentally Inspired

Words flow so easily, beautifully, so effortlessly, but not this time. My thoughts can't seem to be finalized through paper and ink - one thing will come out, followed by a few million more, it's a jumbled mess of frustration. It's all so clearly written inside of my head, but it all fades together when I pick up my pen. I keep trying, but nothing comes out right; out goes that page - crumpled up and thrown past the foot of my bed out of sight. The pile grows, as does my frustration, anger, my wanting to write something good - something clear. Stars begin to fade and the sight of morning is growing near, I glance over at my huge pile of failure, or is it so much more than that? Words that clashed, words that wouldn't come out right, so they were smashed. There must be a thousand failing words in that pile - maybe more considering the heighth of the pile - ok - there's a thousand failing words...times ten. Maybe that pile isn't failure. After all, it is the reason why I'm writing these words now. I guess it was just a thousand - times ten - words that didn't work, that accidentally inspired me.

And I Walked Away.

i remember sittin in the front row
but feelin in the back
like i was gonna be opener to the show
i gave you what you needed for your plaque
and i stepped up when i had to go
rappin to your heads and you asked why i wasn't black
its a color spectrum you've known
to me it seems like you're ignorance is an attack
you couldn't even hold the words down
its gotta come up and tell me what you wanna smack
with your perceptions when you're in the now
a self improved sense of intelligence is in your sack
you're building it up like you know what's hot in town
i told you i'm not the emperor who struck back
i'm just the man who was all about his sound
and you know it, that's why i'm bound to play a track
so you can hear the vibes that taught you to pound
why do you think that you're so great when you pack?
steel only shows how little you trust yourself as a noun
i've got something to say, it has something to do with rap
its got to do with how your sharp mind became round
but it was a worthless fight, you were caught up in the click clack
burying the portrayal has left you with a dirt mound

but you didn't know the history you buried there
it came back to bite you in the rear.

~what was that, that you did say? that you did say, that you did say, that you did say. run away. its po-et-tray.

Love,
Digress.

Chancing His Hypocrisy

This time is different.
I can feel it, I can see it in your eyes.
The truth is there,
You're different than any other guy.
I've finally got it right -
It's not going to be the same.
At last, a guy who doesn't just wanna play games.
Though it could be perfect,
there's one thing in the way,
something in which I have no say.
He doesn't want to meet you,
he won't even give you a chance,
this situation he refuses to second glance.
How fair is that?
Making assumptions before he's even seen you?
Taking away my senior prom...
What's next?
Is he going to take away my wedding too?
He's always taught me to give people a chance,
like when I'm mad at him,
to try to talk to him,
and that he'd always understand.
I've tried this method,
but he just ignores
all the hypocrisy he's taken part in.
He won't listen to a word I try to say,
he won't take any of it,
No matter what I say,
he just tells me to "shut it".
But I have learned to stay strong,
and to not give up,
I'm gonna take my chances,
and cross my fingers for luck.
He can't take away how I feel about you,
or what's been sparked between us,
For once it's going to work,
I won't give in,
and all he can do is sit
on the sidelines and fuss,
And on his face
will be an upside down grin...

finger on

save me from myself.
i am drowing in my self doubt,
my pitty.
sitting in this room,
ready to blow,
its not just frustration,
im scared.
i am weak,
there i said it.
IM WEAK.
ive been here before.
this state of mind.
this small time frame.
tears graze my face,
my veins pulsate,
my blood boiling,
smoke,
almost,
coming out of my ears.
just let it blow by.
nothing worth getting pissed about.
life--
too short for
worthless sh**.
confession:
help me,
im weak,
i cant control it.
im scared,
a nervous wreck.

I hate it, but its something

Let me know of any glaring spelling errors

I’m scared. Scared that this pen will run out of ink before my brain runs out of thought. Scared that I may let friendship fall away because I gave up. Scared that I will wake up in a few years, and not be happy with my life. Scared that I may have just let you slip through my hands because I was scared. And the only thing that scares me more than these things is the fear that my fears may grow.
You see, we live in fear. It’s how we are brought up. The monster under the bed, the bully in the school yard, and the last step on the escalator. We are born to fear what we don’t know, or can not explain; and this fear follows us always.
We can never get rid of it, but we have hope, because once in a while, if only for an hour, a minute, or a second, we can escape it.
We can run till the stars are brighter than the city lights. We can lose ourselves with our heads out the window, and the wind in our hair. We can put our ipods on shuffle, even though we only want to hear one song, because we do have all night, and I wouldn’t mind a few good songs along the way. We can look at the stars for hours, because if you look long enough, they will tell you a story. We can hold a beautiful girl in our arms as the cramp up, and go numb, and not say a word because she means the world.
There are no opportunities. There is only fear and no fear, and it is what we do when life offers us no fear, when we lose ourselves in emotion, that shapes our character. I find that if you sit around waiting for an opportunity to present itself you may wait a long time, but if you strive to live everyday fearlessly then opportunities don’t just come and go, but they happen constantly.

My Ballad - Silenced Words

Walking down the hall
In flawless, perfect beauty.
Dark secrets, deep fears,
Vulnerable souls,
Unshown tears.
~ Chorus ~
World's crashing all around you,
No one knew your pain.
Thrown about so carelessly,
My efforts seemed in vain.
Broken up phone calls,
Shouting in the rain.
You are gone forever,
Leaving me with this horrible pain.
~
Months of what seemed like romance,
and happiness at last.
All the pain and sorrow,
and bad times; in the past.
Curfews, rules, and nights I worked,
You always said they were fine,
But now you say they're not,
and the fault is all mine.
~ Chorus ~
Favorite songs, and favorite things,
Don't mean so much; suddenly.
Tossed aside, with no thought at all,
No more happiness,
You just wanted me to go.
Tears of all sorts
started falling more and more,
Fearful pain,
sad confusion,
but these feelings wouldn't show.
~ Chorus ~
I had enough,
We were through.
Three days later,
I get a call from you.
The weather outside resembles my mind,
Storming and quite hazy,
could this be a sign?
~ Chorus ~
Sopping wet,
Rocks through the window,
Shattered glass causes me to bleed,
Drifting to your door at an undying speed.
Knocking on the door of hope,
Not knowing what I'd find.
~ Chorus ~
Heaped on the floor,
Eyes are closed.
There is no pulse.
Holding your lifeless body,
I feel helpless.
There's nothing I could do.
I guess you didn't know,
that I still did,
and always would,
love you.

Love was lost,
Somewhere in all this confusion.
Tears turned to glass,
As I knew the words I heard you say
were your last.

Just in Case.

a love? speech to you, but who really are You. are you the one in my head that i think of, dream of when i can't sleep as i crawl into bed, the one i "like" and can't "live with out", or are you the one standing beside me...waiting just wishing i'd leave him behind. that i'd give you a chance to show me what you're all about, maybe just maybe it would all work out. but i can't i wont i'm too safe for that. i don't want to destroy something mediocre just for the possibility of something spectacular. i may send all the right signals, play the right games but deep down inside there's no motive behind. sorry i've hurt you i know that i have. every glance at your face proves just that. all because of me. it kills me inside, regardless what you may think. how could i be so important to you. i dont understand. i'm just a lowly girl who's self centered, annoying, bossy, it goes on for years, but everything i hate you treasure, you jewel. but then i do understand for i find myself occasionally glancing at you. thinking, admiring the same about you. people tell me, confirming again and again you know what he wants, you know its more than friends... well one of these days i might just give in.

Home - A song I just wrote

It’s obvious,
I’ve overstayed my welcome,
I’m sorry that I’m such a nuisance,
And in a few months,
I’ll go.
I’ll be gone,
Who knows if I’ll come back,
If I don’t,
The notice of my absence,
You would lack.
Maybe I’ll never come back,
I’ll never come back home.

But where is home?
What is home?
Who is home?
I no longer know this.
It seems as though I don’t belong,
In what I once called home.
But home could be anywhere,
Home is a place where one is loved,
Where one will fit in,
Home is a feeling of security,
And being surrounded by loved ones constantly.
Where is my home?
What is my home?
Who is my home?

Where is my home?
Where do I belong?


Sensing more hate than love,
Don’t worry,
In a few months you’ll get what you want,
I'll be gone.
The “I can’t believe you” child
will no longer be around,
So you’ll no longer have someone in the family,
That you are ashamed of.
You'll have the perfect family,
That you always dreamed of.
You won’t have me to “deal with” anymore,
I’ll do you a favor,
I won’t come back,
I'll never come back home.

But where is home?
What is home?
Who is home?
I no longer know this.
It seems as though I don’t belong,
In what I once called home.
But home could be anywhere,
Home is a place where one is loved,
Where one will fit in,
Home is a feeling of security,
And being surrounded by loved ones constantly.
Where is my home?
What is my home?
Who is my home?

Where is my home?
Where do I belong?

Where do I belong?
Where do I belong?
I guess it’s on the road,
Because it’s never been home.

A Face With A Name.

you're pretty good looking
i'd love to make the crooked times straight
reach into your life and clear up the void
i know i'm just another boy
i'm just another hero trapped in celluloid
giving you the messages of past regret
explicitly exposing my entire existence i've fed
to the memories of those passed and dead
they're watching over my bed
clearly i'm just protecting my homestead
so hearts must be made of lead
because they're sinking fast and i'm bleeding
for you; a package is sent for receiving
get it, catch it, and read it
i know we only met yesterday
putting faces to names and now its inspiration i must blame
for this petty extravagance of my passionate flame
if i wasn't so dumb i'd sit back and have some fun
can you see that i'm just trying to capture the sun?
i'm not doing so hot, because this week i didn't sleep a lot
messages from other mind states telling me the wrong date
i've got a lot invested in discovering my fate
lately it seems that all that thinking just got in the way
and i just wanted to let you know
when i witnessed the candid presentation
with no real-life information
i was faced with frustration
but now i've seen the face of the inspiration
i can make a direct explanation
it was good to see the dedication
behind the eyes behind the skin
behind the lies that are within
so Hi, its good to meet you
i just wanted to let you know
you're talented, its something you can show.

~Spontaneous expression, Hi, Its nice to meet you.

Love,
Digress.

confessions i only make in here

Blank spaces fill my mind and bleed ink on my paper, creating blotches that are words that speak my heart
My last breath would be spent explaining to you how terribly sorry I am that I was never good enough
Silky soft skin can't take away the ripping, scraping, murder of words that tear like barbed wire going down (being swallowed whole)
Babies and small children and handsome dogs and teddy bear picnics can take away the pain for only so long and then the real world resumes
When communication just isn't an option and understanding takes too much explaining and the way out is staying in the exit is blinking green
Giving all of myself and getting the rest of myself in return reminds me of repeating the past and I'm walking this road alone
Unspoken tears drown me from the inside out and I'm being s l o w l y rejected because I just can't cut it for his perfect boy

Information Man. i want to share.

this appears in the Buddy Wakefield Song "The Information Man" off of his album Run On Anything. (Strange Famous Records 2006)

i can tell you are looking for answers
in the same way i can see aesthetics of our faces (not sure about that one)
so for a taste of your whiskey i'll give you some advice
i'm just F-in' with you
you're not allowed to have alcohol here, man
its a rest area
Listen.
if i didn't have so much of this life all wrong, would have gotten it right by now, i talk a whole bunch but i really only know a few things, so i'm not saying to follow along verbatim, i'll just tell you the things i tell myself, the things I KNOW and you can see what sticks, i know our shoes was stitched from songs about... HIGHWAYS! the best songs are the ones about Georgia, even though i never been there, its the only place i still believe in Jesus, i know that no matter what it is you believe in, you've got to spare yourself the futility of making fun of God, because that guy haven't even talked. EVER! i know troubleshooting yourself in the foot and acting as your own universe is a tricky dichotomy for you to deal with, but yes. You are the center of the universe, if you weren't you wouldn't be here. so as the middle of space and everything floating in it, it is your job, to know that the emptiness is just emptiness, the stars are stars, and the flying rocks HURT! so please, stop inviting walls into WIDE OPEN SPACES. i know everything is out there, that's why they call it everything. i know there are times when you go to lay your head to rest and have a moment of brilliance that will grow into a perfect order of words. but you will fall asleep instead of painting it down on paper, and when you wake up you will have forgotten the idea completely and miss it like a front tooth, but at least you know how to recognize moments of brilliance, because even at your worst, you are F-in' incredible, it comes honest. so return to yourself, even if you are already there, because no matter where you go, or how hard you try, or what you do, the only person you're ever gonna get to be, and i know it-- thank god-- is YOU!

~I am, the Non-Professor. I'm also the Non-Plagiarist. i am off the bus.

Love,
Digress.

featuring the Buddy Wakefield experience.

doing something i thought was done

To right a wrong is a difficult thing, it requires humility and lowliness and sometimes pain is all it can bring. But see, I know I've done you wrong and I want to tell you this...that you and your you-ness is something I will forever miss. I know the way it all ended, with it all crashing down around us is entirely my fault, and somehow I expected that you might never quite heal as a terrible result. But now I see that you've moved on and it brings me mixed emotions. I'm proud of you that you give new things your complete devotion, and I see now that you're a bigger person than I expected this would let you be. But no matter how hard I try to let go and go on, there's a tugging deep inside that tells me maybe it's my turn to cry. Maybe now that you're okay I can tell you this game I play is the only way I hold on and stop myself from admitting that when we parted ways, something inside me decided to die. SO...I want to apologize with all the sincerity of my heart - the way I hurt you is something I can't take back and I won't lie and tell you I did it on accident...but looking back now I see that you gave me more of yourself than I realized and I'm sorry for each and every way that I let you down and broke your heart. Maybe now it's my turn to start learning how to move on. I'm sorry...

God? Oh, There You Are!!!

Something Bigger
Something Higher
Someone I can turn to
But i can't touch
and i can't see
how can this be?
mental images
and nights spent crying
always bent
the unknown repent
but are you there?
Hello? Do you even care?
HA! Dare I ask?
my pass -straight below-
its where i ought to go
but where might that be
how low
i cannot go
its only 6 feet under.

What Is A Friend?

Friend or Foe?
Who would know?
they come and go
so could you?
would you?
If you had the chance
the green eyed monster
the biggest blast
can't you see
what it means to me
promise
words
thoughts
prayers
hope
how do i cope?
the thought
~the fact~
that your not there.

hey, thanks.

just sayin thanks.
its just my luck.
it happens twice.
the year it counts.
the scouts are commin.
i know i requested.
yet you messed it up.
you killed my dreams.
it didnt matter at first.
i was going to play another game.
but this one has my heart.
i belong on that field.
you cant take it because i dont talk.
thanks for wrecking my dreams once this year.
spring is here.
my passion awaits me.
my clubs reshafted.
the shafts regripped.
the heads all clean.
brand new.
new balls,
new tees.
wasnt it enough that you wouldnt let me play in the fall.
guess not.
i think you just,
wanted to get rid of me.
there you have it.
now im gone.
hope ya win state.
oh yeah.
i remember.
its not going to happen.
why?
because im gone.
thanks,
thanks for ruining my senior year.

Corridors of death [the cemetary]

I stand in regret
Surrounded by a surreal set
The people who have met
A fated entitled hero
I turn slow
As I face that under my tow is the one who I called bro
It’s the most calming headstone
Each visit forces me into a serious tone
I’m searching for answers
Now I find that they’re trances
I need placement for stances
But the clues are just confusing dances
I’m sick of not giving myself chances
I’m sick of falling into false hope
This just seems to be the way I cope
Because I refuse to mope
Perhaps this is why I’m lost in my sorrow
I feel bad for not feeling sad
No feeling of anger
But I’m constantly seeking danger
I appreciate talking to strangers
Opened to the world
After my heart was poured
And strung out on a cord
Stricken with pain- stabbed by the sword
Then regurgitated and replaced without a cure
Women got in the way
Of all the words I really wanted to say
So I’ll place them here
On paper to which I’ll leave
For you to read
This is my plea
I have been guilty
Do forgive me
For heavily lacking
Faith in friends who were just tracking
My pain of guilt is stacking
As I remember packing
Their words away
Because I finally had a woman who’d stay
I learned my lesson
I realized I can only trust my friend
To hold me
And accept when I disclose me
Skin deep soaking through clothing
Not expressing any form of envy
Because they’re there to lend
The words and feelings of a friend
Dropping the mask as not to pretend
Keeping the message to send
Out in plain sight, it’s in the open
So I guess I was choking
On my own false promises
Carrying out as long as this
Measuring out my accomplishments
I’ve got a foot compared to your meters
Cutting me apart with cleavers
But I can live with the fact
Because my accomplishments don’t weigh on my back
They disregard all that is click clack
Giving the most worthless people flack
Tears on my face
Reveal I’m not in on this race
I don’t appreciate
The fact you bet on my fate
Turn the leaf to polish the slate
Follow me with passion burning to incinerate
We’re searching for more than a mate
Looking for one that maintains
A sense of all the pains
That binds themselves with chains
To remove the shackles
Allowing them to tackle
The problems that are subtle in tact
Strike back
Carry the fate in your sack
Of delusional ideals
Being eaten and wasted like meals
Finding support in submerged keels
Running from you on their heels
Stop them, they might stray
Cage them to stay
Formed and changed like clay
I draw away
From the headstone
Leaving my lost tone
Here to roam
The corridors of death
That always captivates my breath

~Wrote that a year ago, just had to share it.

Love,
Digress.

when WE- were people

remember the suicide
holding the thoughts make me feel guilty for the sight
inflicted on the common, uncertain, eyes
each and every last place, is the beginning of a changing face
the eyes shattered into tears, and the blood bled red for disgrace
people fell and people feel
people misread the things people steal
this was a lack of confidence, a booster shot that was only to help people feel
chalk one more up to the way people wish people were real
people talk in such candid tones, with no escape from the skin that peels
OR-ANN-Ges give people the nutrition people can conceal
within the skin an itch for the new flavor of sin
people walk away and turn slowly so that people can begin
people can't deal with the fact that loss is so serious
it bothers this one, the man sitting quietly behind his tears
shed on the paper blotted ink in the memories people shred
insanity lingers in this mans hand and is used as a tool to tread
on the things he wishes he could leave behind for dead
this is a new era for the ones he refers to with care
a community to build where people can exist with abilities to share
a grand achievement in a Marxist ideal for flair
shiny but cheap, and expensively thrown down the stairs
if people could skip down stares then people wouldn't ever challenge the look
history repeats itself and people forget that people wrote the book
no matter how average the people think they are people always are
never to take time to extenuate the mileage... no matter how far
how far... how far is too near, how far is too real? how far is to scar
and when, when exactly does scar tissue evaporate?
this man, the one behind the tears, asks this of his peers
they shrug and tell him it doesn't apply to their ideals
so that's the argument of the lost meals
people don't want to feed the brains with turning wheels
just squares, squares that have gone, lost in the WORDS IT FEELS
feelings are unexplainable, but people seem to describe it with zeal
that was the last time this man thought he could actually feel
we've lost this common boarder for the memories that peel
long lost, forgotten and set aside on pause, because people feel
or... pretend to feel.
except that man with the blotted ink scars on his paper face

~Lost in the perils of pears and pearls, no response, no way to flaunt.

Love,
Digress.

with a limited vocabulary:

Today I can't find my inspiration to write the words I feel. Words are weighty, they have meaning, and so shouldn't they be used with precision and care? You see my dilemma is I wanted to write something that would flow like a river, something that would demand another go-though. I wanted to write about loneliness and being content with being alone. I wanted to write about heartbreak and loving being in love. I thought about the poetic potential of making baby quilts with patterns so inconcievable that they're not even patterns. And I thought about a friend who just got married, how I cried, how I'm scared and worried and excited for her. What happens when you think about colors....crayon colors like tickle-me-pink and teddy-bear-brown and sunshine-yellow? I wonder if there are worlds with colors I've never seen before. Some day I think I'll drive around town on a John Deer tractor and just enjoy the absurdity and slowness of the thing. Maybe the best way to explain how I'm feeling is a crash and solemnity and the quietness of a volcano erupting inside of a tornado, going 149 miles per hour in the middle of a Canadian field. Maybe it's a baby sleeping in a cradle with her mom singing silently in the kitchen. Maybe....maybe....

"the girl under the princess"

Waking up, getting ready just like any other day. Curl the hair, put on the make-up, go to the closet for the perfect outfit, and find the accessories and purse that will go just right. Seems so simple, so repetitive to have that same routine everyday. But is that all? Is that all there is to me? Just my appearance and daily image people have of me? Most people would say yes. Why? It seems so confusing. And then as I am standing outside in the sunshine, thinking, I realize that that is all there is to me. That previous statement is a lie but the way I have led my life in high school, that is all there is to me. That’s all people know of me. I am the only one that knows the rest. There is so much more. No one knows the depressing things that have happened in my life. A bad day for me still gives off the feeling that I am having a good day. It's not hard. No one knows anything about me except for the laughing times I have had. The fun side. I am a girl who is scared to reach out if it is not on paper, a girl who suffers from her superego thoughts, a girl that hides behind that daily image she gives herself everyday. As some say, “show the girl who is under the princess.” Today was one of the first days I did. And for once I was appreciated when I actually tried and showed emotion and feeling.

Why?

Why can’t I let go?
Let go of the anger that flows through my veins
like lava flows from a volcano
Destroying everything in its path.
The anger that makes my hands clench so tight
So tight that they have become an unnatural white
The anger that makes my tears set fire
Descending down my cheeks blistering with hate and pain.
Why can’t I let go?
Let go of the things you didn’t do, of the things you did do.
The pain you embedded in my soul
Leaving a permanent handprint
that aches every time your name is spoken
Why can’t I let go?
Let go of the anger that is like a thousand tons
laid upon my shoulders
The anger that weighs me down
as I attempt to move on
The pain that lurks around each corner
and is the shadow that follows my every step
Why can’t I let go?
Let go so I can finally be free

Today's forecast: Rainy, with no chance of sun

Crash! *Flicker of light* BOOM!! Rain drops start pouring from the dull, grey sky. Mothers rushing their kids inside, couples go dashing to their cars; everyone’s heading for cover to stay dry – everyone but me. I find myself just standing – staring – nothing’s going right, and everything’s a mess. Rain drops splashing all around me – people look – but I don’t see. I spin and spin with my head towards the sky. I drop to my knees with my eyes squeezed shut. I bang my fist on the ground and scream in frustration, anger, whatever it was. The tears start to fall – I’ve just had enough. From my knees to my stomach I slowly fall, lying there, on the cold, wet, clammy concrete. My shoulder’s heaving in deep sobs. ‘It’s just not fair!’ I scream, as I hit the ground once more. I forgave him. I told him that I still did, and always would, love him – nothing seemed to work, and before my eyes, he started deteriorating. I wanted him to open up; to tell me what was wrong. I would’ve listened! But I guess I just wasn’t good enough. He accepted my decision well, or so I thought. He went through a drastic change – he seemed so unhappy – but I thought he was just playing a game. His laughter wasn’t the same. There was fear in his eyes. I didn’t know my touch made it hard for him to breathe or made him cry at night. He needed to talk to someone, and that someone was me, but he thought I wouldn’t care, so he couldn’t release his fears. In the blink of an eye, he was gone. He couldn’t hang on anymore, so he just let go. I’m sorry that you couldn’t hold on. I’m so very sorry – it’s completely my fault – if only I stayed with you; said ‘I love you’ back, you’d still be here, and your presence I wouldn’t lack. I remember that day so clear – the day I found out – filled with depression, confusion, and fear. Two years ago today, you drew your last breath and *snap* you were gone. I never got the chance to say goodbye, so long. Rain is falling outside my window; down pouring – I wish I could see him. Oh how I miss him. Leyba – you’ve asked us what we see through our window – today it is a sunny spring day – but not for me. That’s not what I see through my window. Today, is the same as the day that I lost him, it is pouring rain and full of pain and sorrow. It's a gloomy, rainy day, with no chance of sun.

The joke is on the liar

it was funny at first
then the jokes went beyond laughter
and now its forced in the here after
so how many more times will calculate the aperture?
a fork for the delusional psychopaths
left or right? pack up take flight
throw down and get ready to move around
this was the man who never took time seriously
never took things as if he should be considering
listing to the sad sob song the bottled whittling
tearing down the sky scrapers breaking bounds
he was an anti establishment establishing only this
the tell tale tall tales were were just short stories
this was glass when the mind decided to break
and now we're lost on this isolated track
figuring the thoughts to be just a side effect
he took time when he held his breath
now he's flippin' burgers with the lose leaf
new proverbs told him to run from the trees
running from desperate clawing he performed at his knees
this was the escape he took from the grief
looking away-- he couldn't believe we was bereaved
she died that night with him at her side
talking in her sleep as she did when thoughts and disease did collide
bleeding internally from the secrets she confined
open doors were placed with locks and now there's no exit
placed in a fountain of disbelief, he's still running from his grief
little did he know that deep down inside he would never really miss her
because she was the third, not truly his wife
he told her he loved her more it was lies once more
this was the last he saw his true family
they left him when they discovered is facsimile of their tragedy
his family died with him when he committed the suicide
committed himself to a hell for him to reside
even though he hasn't died
he drowned in his pain that he tried to hide
this was the fame he attempted to claim
dead
this was the reign he attempted to embrace
dead
this was the family that he lied to for support
now he's like the dog-- curled up under the porch

~Shiny Black FBI shoes. Shiny Black Portions of my mind.

Love,
Digress.

Things I Love...

I love peaks over fourteen thousand feet, the thin, oxygen-depleted air, the view of hundreds of miles out in 360 degrees, the sky and mountains meeting as one, the jagged ridges leading up to the pointed peaks towering like giants above. I love the feeling of my heart pumping, my lungs heaving, and my legs moving beneath me. I love the wind rushing toward me while my legs pump and the thin tires hum against the pavement, bouncing across rocks as the fat tires grip and slide, the quick turns, tiny adjustments and balancing acts. I love the feeling of a good hit—Pop!—crashing in the snow, limbs flailing, flying and changing momentum, rolling, popping back up from a big crash and riding off again without missing a beat. I love lacrosse. I love cutting back across the field as the defender falls to his knees, the snap of the twine when I pin the corner, the sound of the stick cutting the air, and knowing where someone is going before they do. I love the feeling of a long awaited victory.
I love the sound the snow makes beneath my feet. I love the sound of the wind whizzing past my ears, and the feeling of gliding over fresh powder. I love watching the ground fall from under my feet and the feeling of weightlessness that comes soon after. I love growing apart from my shadow and watching it cruise along the ground from high above.
I love flying.
I love the cold, crisp, morning air. I love cold nights and summer days. I love spring. I love the winter and I love the summer. I love blizzards, rain, ice, grass, and the sun on my face.
I love dancing.
I love worthless nights with good friends. I love laughter that feeds itself. I love arguments like old married couples, “bonding,” random, idiotic competition, fireworks, and “ruckus.” I love inside jokes. I love eagles in rooms and lifelong friends.
I love life and the beauty of it all.

Me doing what I love.^

Done Too Much?

Ever feel like what you do is not enough?
Like you just seem to give too much?
It seems like what your saying is too conceded
And everyone will think you’re over-rated
But I think that most everyone has felt this way.
Its time to vent
Stop getting bent out of shape
To say all the things left unsaid
To weigh the consequences
And lay my words down.
I dreaded saying anything for so long
Thinking im always wrong
This constant game of ping-pong
Has gone on for far too long.
I do all the things I do
Just because I needed you
To be there,
At least acting like you cared.
Maybe you do
And maybe you did
Maybe I just took everything like it shouldn’t have been
I wanted
I needed some kind of friend
To be there till the very end
I didn’t
And still do not
Have any kind of support system.
Just my luck
So now I stand in utter confusion
The same familiar place I once was used in
And pray to god, its not here again.
I can’t take the pain of fighting
And losing a friend all over again.

Growing up too young?

I don’t know what to feel,
Or which way to go.
Life is getting harder,
Including my life at home.
Constant fights happening again,
Heads bashing like football linemen.
All our fights ending in tears,
My tears.
Crashing to the floor,
Consisting of all my fears.
Everything was going great,
No more fights,
But wait! What’s this?
Everything from my past is thrown back in my face,
Like a gang members fist.
This time with twice the pain,
Twice the force.
Tears falling down like razor blades,
Everything’s different,
Everything except for the source.
Spending the night
In my cold, grey, ’98 Saturn,
With tear stained cheeks,
The ache in my heart was returning.
Thinking out loud til 5 in the morning,
What did I do wrong this time?
Where was my warning?
How did I end up spending the night on my own?
Packed up and left,
And now I’m sitting here all alone.
But he told me to go!
He told me to leave!
I wanted to be on my own,
At least that’s what he believed.
Now that I know what it’s like to be on my own,
I have to decide it I want to go back home.
Do I want to go back to the face to face brawls,
Ending with me making tear streaming phone calls?
Do I want the feeling of security –
Of a roof over my head?
Or do I want to create my own,
And be with out a warm bed?
Why should I go back,
When all I try to do is obey?
He told me to leave,
So I obeyed.
I packed my bag and ran down the stairway.
But he is still angry with me,
Why?
I have no idea because all I did was obey him,
And once again it’s my tears that I’m trying to swim in.
I have no where to go,
No one to turn to,
And the song of my life is still unsung.
So I’m going to head back home,
Because I guess you just can’t
Grow up too young.

Carry this with you

Hold on to this and never let it go. Sometimes it won’t be as easy as it looks but just don’t let it go. Whether the sun is shinning or a tornado has turned your world upside down keep it with you. You’ll regret not holding on to it. The day you let go will be the day you’ll become lost in a fog of the unknown. You will be trapped in an abyss of darkness with no escape from the confusion. Unless you hold on tight. The world won’t stop just because you have been thrown to your knees. Get up, wipe the gravel away and keep going. Make it worth while. Make every tear drop like a brick of pain. Make every laugh herd around the world. Make every scream shatter glass windows. Make every heart break rip everyone’s heart in two. Make every smile a mile long. Make every kiss stop time in its place. Carry it with you, no matter which way the road turns.

invisible ink

ghost writing, a skill, a talent, derived by a mandate from the masses
they told me that when i was trying to teach their classes
so i sat back with my invisible ink pen just so i could cleanse
my paper by soaking it in words that nobody read
signing a name that was already dead
it was so easy to do, i just pumped it full of lead
i was talking into jugs and distributing the dust
each day i watch the people walk right on by at dusk
not looking either way, not giving a simple oat
just eating things that tell them they'll be stuck in their won'ts
so i sit on this corner talking vigorously about the do's and don'ts
but the porch died within the underdog
another failure to rest upon the overture
the musical instruments pumping into a new brand of pure
to be bottled and distributed as divinity, something i just can't see
as I'm watching the invisible words dripping off my soaked bleached white sheet
paper stains land on my tongue while they drift to deaf ears and blind eyes
this was the coming of the skies, i knew it, i had clairvoyance in my hair ties
it was all lies they said, until they built it up and it fell dead
watching, breathing, my contemporary art is screaming
HERCULES! DEAF HERCULES AND HIS REVOLVER!
it struggles, crawls and makes attempts that are lost in snarls
everybody watches as it simply hovers in its own self pity for moments of time
the movements were mandatory as it inhaled the slime
and now it sits
on broken logs of hallowed incandescence
it shines with a dull and unpolished brilliance
so it sits back, begging for penance while receiving no signs
this fool hearted pursuit sits on the floor content, absolutely benign
but nobody saw it, the growth it produced
the hate it concealed while it induced in the fears it removes
delivery was so absent
that nobody told a single feeling they wish they felt
because humanity is running from that scene
gasping on the ground, hiding all the misery
clawing at the wooden floor digging a hole while it screams
HERCULES! DEAF HERCULES AND HIS REVOLVER!
i just hope to god, while I'm on this wooden floor looking out the gaping windows
maybe i don't hope to god, but i hope, that this spirit won't have a black widow
and have something that tells of the dowry between pen and memory
false though it might be, this thing, in front of me, is wise as the sea
god of gods, but nobody seems to be listening
good, its a ghostwriter, a ghostly ghost
so go on with his business, keep your nose out of it
invisible ink is hard to see if you don't believe in its existing
so take back the words that i was missing
lucrative in the feelings it produces in the back of your minds
an audience of nobody sits back and claps with its giant one hand
i swear ghosts exists because i saw the pen throwing a fit
when i wrote the words that couldn't describe movements of lips
jaw flapping with ink pen diving, driving until i fall into the line
the no passing line that stretches into eternity
where roads end in the craters of calamity
giving off nothing but a feeling invisibility
so the writhing ghost hides from the feeling of insanity
little did it know when it wasn't screaming it was eating
the addiction it was trying to break free
insanity
lingering
in its bony fingertips forced into wood shavings
so i step back, and light a match
holding its irresistible warmth makes me taste its wrath
heart beats pound ear drums that drown out all other sound
as i set fire to the book of scribbled notes
pages blowing in the wind, attempting to float
and that was the end of Hercules
and that was the end of the sea breeze.

~Love letters, they all are, love letters.

Love,
Digress

shattering glass

its not easy,
it never is,
finding that perfect,
glass window.
the one with no finger prints,
the one that no matter what has to stay clean,
you know,
its perfect shape,
the way it looks just right,
right when the sun shines through it.
but in an instant,
it can shatter,
right into a million pieces,
you dont know why it break,
it bends,
hitting the floor like frozen rain.
soon it will be swept up,
but not before its dwelled upon,
remembered,
it was good to be known,
better to have known,
and can be replaced,
not with something better,
never,
something less,
always.
always
something
less.
never good enough,
not good enough,
never good enough,
but always there to repace.

felicity

Eyelashes like butterfly wings kiss velveteen lips like soft peachy fuzz. Wind through hair flows like sand through fingertips that barely touch the skin of babies, smooth like silk. Aromatic flowers ambush the summer atmosphere, tickling young lovers walking through fields of moonbeams. Naked skin reimburses time spent arguing and sparkling irises gaze deep into lifetimes full of secrets. Unknowns become vitality, awe-inspiring and ever-prominant evidences that one is created.
"Forgive my lips...they find joy in the most unexpected places."

So Exasperated.

i was so exasperated the thoughts and memories simply evaporated
it was so pure when i simply thought
but fabricating the thought wasn't quite as easy as tying that knot
tearing it apart was a lot harder than we sought
i turned to her and expressed my love, poured out my heart
and listened as it splashed on the pavement
watched as it drained into the gutter of my lament
i gave her the arrow but didn't string the bow
and piece by piece i slowly sit down and put pieces of puzzles in packages to stow
when was the jigsaw forced by the police to solve?
we sat together but i don't know if we were in the same book
because my page read love, while her's reads lucidly mistook
generating a feeling so desperate that i never felt its presence
we collapsed in the sate of missing independence
and now I'm patiently waiting, palms up, back down
chin slung in a disheartening posture that has been renowned
so fragile you could have broken the humans empowered
i broke like glass as i acted jubilant thought the door
one word could describe the musical score
nope, not one, not any, humanity is brevity in its chores
and caring seems to be a quickly dying lure
asking myself if speaking with candor could ruin
unlocking the door of that car to act so fluid
nobody was watching when i dangled the rope
intertwined with the memories that fade and choke
i nailed myself to the cross, but the nails were too easy to toss
i gave up simplicity for lent, so every action is cups full of regret
i never tried for that simple action, that i can't remember to forget
the drive home was insane, full of coats hanging on my racking brain
drip drip drip drying, waiting for the mouth to start blindly screaming the pain
if love had an age limit there'd be no buyers and we'd walk away from the strain
this is the brave new world, turning new leaves, playing words for thieves
escaping breath told tell tale stories of xenophobes
when i fit her in the category of those who don't operate with all their lobes
pierced and jaded as though the fate is escalating the forgettable hate
i picked up my phone and dialed the numbers that turned into words
listing the hook to a song that fell into the category of things left to explore
this was the fate that carried out that night
and i will hold its memory forever in my forgetfulness
how little i meant to the people that told us
the surroundings that asked me if it was simply trust
pointing to the horizon asking for the likes of lust
loving left and lost the living feeling but fell asleep in my arms
now i can't see past the farms I'm driving thought
asking me questions, like, I'd never been able to travel tough
i answered ornery as ever, telling hell was running past me enough
this was the last i heard about the girl who haunted the ghost stories
shattering dreams in journals that peel back and inspect the scenes
so this was what happened when i busted at the seams
and showered out love, paper machete, and candy rings
sucked on for so long the stick was showing, and the flavor evacuated
a state of fruity emergency, so if she only knew
how honestly i try to express this when i tell you
that love exists only in split seconds of truth
so sit back... let breath remove
the bad, the good, the existence
thanks love; for this.

~I got home, at one am, and i stopped at the mailbox to check and see if the mail man came.

Love,
Digress.

Hope I Don't Make A Bad Decision

“You can go, but you know how I feel,
And you know that my trust you don’t want to steal.”
The words linger on my mind like icing on a cake,
Should I go? Shouldn’t I go?
What was the right decision to make?
I hope I don’t make a bad decision,
For if I do, the consequences will be given with great precision.
I really wanted to go; this had been planned for weeks,
So I said, “see ya later. I’ll probably be home when you’re asleep.”
Driving along, down I-25,
What’s that I see out of the corner of my eye?
Red and blue lights flashing at me,
Dang!
I’m only going 5 over, how can this be?
He issues the ticket, and I’m on my way,
Just my luck! What can I say?
I get to the house where all my friends are at,
Just in time to see someone get slapped.
Every single one of them too drunk to notice;
It’s not even ten o’clock! Oh how I loathe them!
I make my way through the sea of faces,
I find my good friend sprawled out on the floor,
How much did he drink? How many cases?
I sit him up and try to open his eyes,
What is wrong? Is he going to die?
I stand him up and throw him on my back,
Grab the nearest keys and head out the back.
Drenched in a horrific stench from him,
I drive to the nearest hospital,
“Oh God, please let him live!”
Sitting in the waiting room –
The doctor’s wouldn’t let me in.
The repugnant smells are making me sick.
The smell of rubber – latex gloves,
And used syringes galore,
The smell of fear, but wait there’s more.
The smell of unfinished meals tossed,
And the unbearable smell of loved ones lost.
Silence.
Right now, that’s the only thing that exists.
My own thoughts seem to be shouting at me,
I don’t know how long I can put up with this.
Three o’clock rolls around; I want so badly to stay awake,
But with all the tears cried,
It’s hard to keep my eyes open wide.
The split second after my eyes close shut,
I’m shaken awake,
By a doctor in white, who looks very uptight.
“I’m sorry, but there was nothing we could do for your friend,
It’s probably best if you head home.”
How could I go home when it seems I have
Some sort of...frozen syndrome?
They let me in to see him one last time,
Why is it that he had to die tonight?
As I start my long drive back, I keep telling myself it’s a dream.
Full of anger…No…sadness…Or is it fear?
I pull over and bang my head on the wheel,
As I try desperately to hold back the tears.
I get to the house, my head is banging like a drum,
So I call my dad up, to give me a ride home.
Before he got there, the cops showed up.
Because of the party? Or just my pure rotten luck?
His first words upon arrival,
“I told you that your decision wasn’t right,
I told you, you shouldn’t have gone out tonight!
I can’t believe the life you’re living,
And I hope you know that you made a bad decision!”
I tell myself it wasn’t a bad decision,
He needed to put himself in my shoes,
He didn’t just lose a friend!
The tears kept on falling the entire ride home,
He had no idea where I was coming from!
That night rocked my world,
Everything was spinning,
And my mind was in a complete whirl.
The decision I made wasn’t bad,
Because that night, I was the only true friend that he had.
If I hadn’t have been there he would’ve died alone,
Because at that time his life-threatening condition was unknown.
You say that I made a bad decision,
But it, in fact, wasn’t a bad one….it was a good one.

Hope I Don't Make a Bad Decision

Hope i dont make a bad decision
when i ask you to go with me
I want to run away with you
I want you to see
Miles of black pavement
stretched ahead...
Everything i said to you
led me to believe that we would be ok
Now all is tense and you wont even look my way
I guess it was a bad decision
to let you get away...

Carry This With You

Carry this with you
where ever you may go
how high or low
near or far
wherever you are
this thing is always with you.
Its red and bursting
Its nothing when im dead
leave it be and you will begin to see
the emotion this thing causes.
But also some bliss
when i begin to miss
being around you.
Who am i?
Im the one who loves you too
and always knew the things you carry
Im the fairy you never had
inside this thing that is weary.
It needs to be filled
and hates being killed
it has a strong will
and goes for the pockets it wants
now it chose you
and it knows you will see
the person ive become
is who you want me to be.
So take a stab
cuz its all that i have
and take the chance to be with me.

meet me...

meet me where it hurts
meet me when you think you're first
we'll stick together if we could just make it further
if we count down to the place we remember
three, two, one... magic
looming in the air overhead
telling tales that were thought to be dead
a by chance chance of binomials
meet me when you think its informal
because we've got something to talk about, girl.
girl, yes, not boy, not woman, not man, not sir, not madam
beauty fades when the will power seems to weaken
i am everything you hate, i am everything i hate
welcome to the unborn, new found state
stick together and maybe things will get better
so meet me, meet me at the boarder of fallacy
on the edge of tightly intertwined discrepancy
so grab tight when you see the indivduality
i have nothing left to say
just tell me everything's okay
so that i can break away

~Iggy (Pop) and the Stooges, and White Stripes -- playing in my headphones.

P.S. I miss you all.

Love,
Digress

What A Day

Laying there, I look up, I see needles the size of a pack of gum. Laying there, I feel the pain like something is biting me. Laying there, I hear beeping and weird sounds making it almost seem like I am in a place I will never get out of. Laying there, the pressure is applied and it gives me pain that I can’t escape. I’m screaming inside, grasping anything that I can squeeze until it’s over. WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE OVER?! Laying there I wonder why is this happening to me? I am so young, WHY ME? Laying there, finally it is over. A feeling of relief rushes over me. Laying there, I am shaking. I am numb, I have no feeling on me. I sit up, more pressure is applied but it’s over and I know that I will be fine for a few hours until the numbing wears off. I sit there, unable to move, it’s so tight, I can’t breathe. I walk out and everyone is starring at me like they know exactly what just happened. I leave the audience of people with relief. Driving, I see a Starbucks and know I deserve it!

Envy tickles fingers like somber faucets to cat tongues;
Digs the trenches of exiled giggles.
Hold on-
Wear the puddle coat,
The purple one,
pockets, plum full of memories.

Throw them to the children of the mud,
They will feast for weeks on your tears
Grow flowering buds from thorny whispers.

Take bipolar leaps,
ups and downs, splashing.
Smash the grit into your flesh,
wear the story with pride.

This is the one chance,
the boldest blink, from brightest iris.
No film across the lens of decision,
no falling in the swollen net that pity holds.
This time, you've got to deal with it;
If it hurts, pinch it harder -
If it bleeds - let it flow.
Swim in the sepia of your regret.

Hope falls like clumsy children,
shins bruised from table-ends of indecision.
You've got to find the sun and grip tight,
ride the embers until you once again feel whole, holy.
Hold on to your tomorrow
Shout until you remember how to breathe again,
when the tremors have stopped rocking;
The lights through with their flicker.
Let them fade, roll and tumble.
Fumble through your pockets;
through the ashes of memory.
Scatter them along the wayside,
one, at a time,
breathe deep, hold on
and let go.

On Evacuating a Building

Suck.

Do you?

I dont belong here
its all the same
the game you play
the things you say
its not for me.
all the passion lost
the cost of us together
the way i used to be
when i was actually, me.
I want you to notice
I want you to care that im not there
maybe a nod
a smile
some kind of sighn
i want you to be mine.
and finally see that you dont care.

Get. Here. (away)

Long roads of darkness
paked in an empty lot.
clueless
sobing
praying no one comes along
my escape
dont be late
i want you to see my life
look at me
cant you see?
that i want to get away.

the unjust epiphanies of heroes

You pull eyelids like covers, underneath and warmer. And honey, sweetie, angel. You don't look like you used to. I've been beside myself with your grief. I left years in your hands. And you clasped them to your chest like they were yours. We were raincoats and windshield wipers. Remember? Summer breezes in open bars. Feathers of smoke over neon skies. The cellphone that rang when you kissed my neck. All the answers in our pockets. Folded in fourths. And I made myself relive it so that I could send you a letter I had hoped would save you. And you sent it back. And I sent it back. And you sent it back. And I sent it back. And the mailman said he wouldn't support civil war. But this isn't another Gettysburg. I'm fighting here for the sake of a past that should replace the present. So I got a job at the postal service just to find out where my letter ended up. And then I took the truck with an eagle painted on the side and got a map. And now I'm looking at you with my letter in your hand. Where you've just about given up. And honey, sweetie, angel. I didn't drive across the country to just let you let you go again.
He hands me back the letter. Mentions something about Potomac. I guess I am Robert E. Lee.
"You can't save me."
That is the sad line that made me quit the mail business. Made me quit the writing business. Made me quit the business of being. If you'll pardon the melodrama.

sept peches mortels

couldn't speak to you when i walked right past. looked at my shoes on the pavement and pretended like we didn't know eachother's names.

took one too many cookies out of the cabinet today. then chocolates, then fruit. then some more.

thought my heart was going to explode, seeing you so nonchalant. do you know what that does to a girl?

heard my name under your breath. i wanted to put you in your place, or rather the place you came from. i will be on your level.

almost shoved you in the other room. wanted to tell you where your hand actually belonged. not on that desk, sweetheart.

got too excited when i opened that box. i opened yours too, and theirs. a diamond!? what else can i open?

i'll admit, i did not want to face the lies. so i stuck them in my ears. i didn't do anything.

Colors of Love

These tears won’t stop falling down my face,
falling
faster
and
faster,
gathering in an ocean at my feet.
I know I’m not the one to blame for them,
It’s you,
Or is it me?
So many words left unsaid,
drowning in my silenced words,
I’m trying ever so desperately to tread.
I glance over at you,
hoping to catch your gaze,
Your eyes are so easy to get lost in,
They make me want to lose myself forever.
Could my eyes do the same for you?
Because in all these tears cascading down my face,
I could certainly get lost too.
If I could describe what I’m feeling in just one hue,
Why it would be red…
No…black…
Wait!…Blue…
Red is a color of passion and strength,
Black is the unknown, a mystery, and a lying fate.
Blue is a color that speaks the truth,
Calmness, happiness – what I feel when I’m with you.
So I guess it’s a reddish-blackish-blueish kind of hue.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t include the color green.
The terrible, monstrous color of my envy.
The only thing I want for you is to be happy,
And you are.
So why do I feel this way?
Why am I jealous?
Why am I filled with all this……greenness?
I know what it is,
I’m just scared to say it,
Though I so desperately want to scream and shout it.
I’ve fallen.
Not over something,
But I’ve fallen for you.
However, you don’t seem to notice,
You seem to be blind,
Something is blocking your view from these feelings of mine.
All this pain that I’m feeling,
I know my love is true,
But I can’t handle it anymore,
Please…
Tell me there’s a way
I can fall out of love with you.

What change have you noticed lately about yourself?

The alarm clock rings, I don’t want to wake up. I throw a pillow at it, but that’s like searching for a hidden stop watch that’s going off…and throwing things around the room is not going to stop the horrible beeping…A half an hour of hitting the infamous snooze button goes by and slowly I start to roll out of bed. Walking out of my room, nearly half asleep, I run into to the drying rack that is protruding out from where it’s supposed to be. Recovering from the sudden surprise I scream, “Are you kidding me!?” I finally made it to my first destination in my morning routine. Now that I am nice and clean, I gaze into the foggy mirror and what do I see? I see a girl I don’t know staring straight back at me. Eyes barely open and dark circles underneath, all my days have been filled with lack of sleep. Staying up til all hours of the night, I can’t seem to calm my storming mind. So many things going on that I can’t control…but I want to…you see, I want to solve it all. Tossing and turning – it’s called wide awake exhaustion. At the end of the day, I am so tired, but I have so many things on my mind that keep me wide awake even though I am extremely exhausted. Mirror, mirror on the wall, please tell me why you won’t let me see the girl I wish to be? Don’t fog up the reflection of me. I am who I am. End of argument, so don’t try to distort the me I see. Off to school like any other day, the only difference is, the girl I used to be is in my past to stay.

Name something about which you feel deeply and describe why you feel that way.

My voice has always been a huge part of my life, from expressing my anger through ear splitting screams to the soft gentle hums during my morning shower. As the years have passed, I have lost friends because of fights and loved ones to illnesses. Everyday I wake up still and continue to move on. Through out the day I use my voice to its full extent. There is never a dull moment when I’m using my voice. Whether it’s cracking from the newest cold or the uncontrollable stuttering I get when I talk to fast, my voice is always there. My favorite part about my voice would have to be when I close my eyes and open my mouth and let the notes and words flow out of my mouth like a mountain stream on a sunny day. The notes encircle my body and soul and put a smile on my face. A feeling of warmth and comfort create the notion of a true friend giving a needed hug. As long as the notes are flowing out of my mouth and bouncing off the surrounding walls all my worries drain out. Whether I’m singing on key in the choir or attempting so sing along with my blaring stereo my heart is still full. I feel so strongly about singing because I know that everyday I will wake up with my voice. Although it will change over the years I will still carry that worry free happiness in my heart. The day I sing in Blue in high school and the day I soothe my child to sleep with a faint lullaby will be the same only because I’m using my voice.

Rubix Cube Part Two

there's a part one.



the broken glass in the air did stall
i can recall, when Autumn did fall
we walked along a lonesome hall
telling each other of the things we loved
how much we enjoyed the things that used to be coy
our lost mission on this planet was to dissect the story
losing ourselves on that long lonesome trek
finding the roots to be the bean stalk
we climbed and climbed until we parted
lost in the clouds, never looking back at where we started
we fell to the abyss and were surrounded by darkness
lights entailed the things she displayed as envious
daily routines formed the battle scenes
a midnight kiss inclined the twist
the words said were nothing at best
i should have died, but i survived
living in the shadow of the past
i told her i loved her, it didn't last
her jigsaw tendencies were a gasp for air
drowning in the things, she acted like she cared
this was the last time i gave her the stare
became a loyal puppy to the life she entailed
frustrated in the moment, shaving it off with Nair
it was then, thinking in the shower, that i gave myself power
impressed was the least to say at her ability to make me cry
looking through the glass told me i needed to be fair
but destroying her life wasn't resting in the chair
television screens cracked the day when i fell to the ground
i told her i was done, her tongue shaped like a gun
bullets tore into my flesh as i escaped her hot breath
whirlwinds took the sands and broke the hour glass
weeks had gone by before she passed
I'm standing at our grave
attempting to be brave, the day is stated grey
past the age of eighty and looking headfirst and angry
plowing these fields since she left me a broken window in the sky
laced green, with red pinstripes on my pane
cutting and lashing until i screamed
i dropped
and that was when she examined my cough
the doctor was in, gave me the cheap talk
asked me to fall from the top
so i entered the realm of the flock
i head they ran wild
taking breaths that fell mild
lying in bed pretending to contend
when it was over i rolled to the other side
i grabbed for the sheets, fell back into the ride
sleep sank so deep i couldn't taste my teeth
this was the day i woke up with no sheets
this was the day the Rubix cube used her feet
i watched from afar realizing i wasn't the distant lover
that's what we once were, we became old friends
dying to save our innocence
long distance love extenuating condolences
i turned her in the directions
she was sick of my affections
i broke the glass laced with isolated coincidences.


~Long Lost Long Distance Lovers, find methods of jealousy easy.

Love,
Digress.