college is a cover-up for life's lessons

Car rides create thinking time, and so I list things. College life is great life, but real life is hard life. College life has taught me that
all kids have different learning styles and
there is a difference between gender and sex.
but real life, that pain in the (w)hole of my heart, that laughing crying dying never ending story has taught me that
crying doesn't always require tears. and sometimes hurting is the healthiest emotion i can allow myself to have.
physical pain is difficult to overcome but an aching, tortured heart and soul is much worse to endure.
when i love somebody, their pain is my pain.
the unbelievable things that only happen to other people....can and do and will happen to me. and those i love.
it is possible to be honestly happy while in the midst of a genuinely sad and difficult time.
the worst lies i ever tell are to myself.
it is okay to take care of myself. first.
there are people whom i love and who love me in return, but who bring out the worst in me, taking all i have to give and never giving anything in return. these people are the hardest to walk away from.
visiting somebody i love in jail hurts my heart.
sometimes i get chances to willingly walk away from situations that are hurting me. when i choose not to, God steps in and forces those situations out of my life. thankfully.
rediscovering my faith happened the moment i thought i had lost it.
good friends are truly gifts and i am lucky to have them as my foundation. they can be found anywhere.
losing friendships is painful. and inevitable.
being bitter and angry requires more energy than forgiving and moving forward.
being mediocre at something is one of the scariest and most painful feelings. i will never be mediocre if i can help it.
wanting to change is a strong force, but it is a worthless desire without knowing where to start.
breaks from life are necessary and critical. reading is priceless.
the best rewards are never monetary.
love is a thing to be given without bias and without limit.
i want to give all of myself; this is the only acceptable way to live. if i save some for a "later" that never comes i don't want to wonder what could have been.

Nyquil no longer has the same effect, more often than not it's just a momentary set back

You bring in this insanity,

reigning through my semiconscious thoughts.

Breaking down the memories that find their way into my restless dreams.

Stolen away are my haunted nights

and you've replaced them with vivid images of the grey in your eye,

watching as i struggle to understand why your intentions were as bad as you promised they would be.

It infects me.

To the point where lying awake at night without you on the tip of my brain is more painful than thinking of your forehead, and the "what never ever could have been's."

You were the stable disappointment in my sober conscious,

telling me that no matter the day, it would be no better or worse than this dreary, half happy habit we had agreed to call my life.

It's not that I'm sad you are gone from my life,

my dreams just miss their usual demon, and the direction in which it moved me

Icicles drip drip drip as my ice cold heart thaws
right atrium left atrium, ventricles...maybe this is possible
waterfalls from tear ducts
melodies from deep within escape and gallivant across the wind wings
fingertips tiptoe through tactless takedowns
a false prophet i lead my people to a place i don't know
once...once upon a time...what is happily ever after?
teacher teacher please tell me what means hapilee evur ahf tur?
big green eyes freckle nose missing tooth asking
teacher teacher teeeeeaaaaacher!
so many questions lack an answer

Numb

You don't care
It's a passing smile,
a "how was your weekend?"
Desperate thoughts run through an apathetic mind
Cold calculations render emotions and desires useless
Relive me of this mind
Take away my pathetic numbness
And let me feel again.
Here I lay beaten again
Beat down but I can't be out
She's out of my grasp but still within reach.
I won't give this up again.
I can't give this up again.
Please, please help me
God I'm tired but this will take at least one more push.
So here I go, and apathetic push
Toward something I thought I didn't care
But a small taste has given me courage.
Please God let this courage last,
I feel myself going numb again.

A Selection of Devo Lyrics

I've got an uncontrollable urge

something 'bout the way you taste

ain't it true that there's just no doubt

that she's just the girl

I've got a thing for you.

I know what you do 'cause I do it too

he was really mixed up

remember to take time out for fun

some things never change

the reason that I live like this is all because of you.

We're through being cool

twist away those gates of steel

in Mr. B's ballroom

I can't sleep til my baby says it's over

now he's a happy guy.

A sweet romantic place

Who are you and who am I

I'm agitated

and I-I owe-owe you absolutely nothing

use your freedom of choice.

~Swang Swam, down with the ship.

Love,

Digress.

I Want To Be

The dragon tattoo that

wraps up and around your

body,

jets up your

thighs,

chicanes at your

hip,

and crawls diagonally up your

back.

I want to be those claws.

I want to dig into your

skin.

The only pair of shoes you

own

that you

never wear because bare is better;

sitting in your

closet;

waiting for you

to slip me on and tie me up.

I want to be that canvas.

I want to keep those feet warm.

The shelf with all your

books,

novelty items, and pictures of you

too;

empty during your

lonely times;

full during your

good times.

I want to be that wood.

I want to see your

good and bad times.

~Longevity.

Love,

Digress.

I Am Jaded

I can recall the feeling.

It was like an eight month

hang over.

There is little I can

do so

I salute you.

I only wish to do well

by honouring you.

Until then,

I shall turn

away from your grave

with a scrambled heart.

Love,

Digress.

Tomorrow looms

Is it so wrong to feel nothing? I feel no butterflies when we kiss(ed) and I don't want more hugs and I don't giggle-like-a-4th-grade-girl-with-her-first-crush. You crush(ed) me. But only partly, only a little more than I already was crushed by life-takers and 6 tattoos and brown eyes gone grey. I say 6 years, change for me. Become that perfection that can rescue me and fix this sh** and pull at the corners of my mouth until I smile I have to smile. Misery is always a delayed reaction. The journey goes as follows: shock (always first), laughter (because that makes it not real), (attempted) repair, ineedtotakecareofmyself, letgo giveup i'msorrybutican't. happiness? denial, bitter because i was so stupid to let you drag me down, imissyou he can't fill your void. misery. And there are two "you"s which is not the same as having only one. One from a history book. One, the other, an aching scorched tearing ripping agonizing.....void. A goneness that only YOU could leave. So I feel nothing. No bluebirds singing no homecooked dinners no butterflies. And I'll learn not to give in to the nighttime with its sadness and hurtyoulikeyouneverhurtbefore seductions. And what I want to know is when and how does healing start? Is it a self-starter or is it a choice one makes? I make?And tell me one last final thing, I want you to answer me this: did you ever deserve me?

June 5th 2007

"Our bodies are mere shells, containers of our souls." After reading this quote my senior year of high school in a book called "Tuesday's With Morrie" I was stunned with its accuracy. No matter how much our bodies change as we age, or how they may change when we get sick, it is what is on our hearts or our souls that is most important. And what was inside my Grandfather's heart and soul is amazing. As the oldest, I was chosen by my Grandmother to represent the Grandchildren, to tell from our perspective just how much this man meant to us and how the times we spent with him and the memories we made together will be forever cherished. For me when I think about my Grandfather I remember the first 13 years of my life living in his home. I remember him taking care of me, loving me, and simply being there whenever I needed anything. But what I also remember are the lessons he taught me. There are also three distinct character traits that come to mind when I think of him. The first being drive. My Grandpa never gave up on anything or anyone. He drove his Grandchildren to do our homework, help out around the house, or do whatever else was needed of us. The second trait I believe best describes our Grandpa would be strength. Grandpa always dealt with every new hand life dealt him with plenty of strenght to face it. We have all seen Grandpa face the challenges of this past year and a half with strength, but that was a public display, not the only. And last but certainly now least, passion. OUr Grandfather loved his family with a deep passion, always there for us, and never let us down. Even though most of us knew him as a man of few words, none were needed for any of us to know how much he loved us. All of these things stick out in my mind, my cousins also have memories. Ryan Kornack, the second born Grandchild loved the way that we always knew Grandpa loved us, and how he always made special time with him, whether to just have a casual conversation, or to spend a couple hours watching Grandpa's beloved Illini basketball games. Austin Kornack, the third born Grandchild loved the family time we all spent, like this past Christmas when we all made a trip to Colorado. He also loved the way Grandpa was there to help anyone that needed it. He remembers especially, Grandpa being there to help his family through a tough time. Dylan Kornack, Grandchild at four years old loved the times Grandpa would play with him. Benjamin, and Samuel Harris, the youngest two Grandchildren who live in Colorado are too young to share any memories with me, but they will always know how much their Grandpa loved and cared about them and cherished the times he got to see them. Dylan said it best when he said he didn't want Grandpa to be sick anymore, and no matter how much our heads tell us he's not suffering anymore, our hearts still want him here. But that't when I'd like us all to remember more words from "Tuesdays With Morrie": "Death ends a life, not a relationship."

Answer

I say goodbye because I have to and because I'm tired of being your crutch
I say goodbye because the binging and purgeing isn't so romantic anymore
I say goodbye because I can.

I miss you the way you used to be, toes curled up and contacts out
I miss your bitten fingernails and buddha belly and hairy toes
Remember accidental candles?
I miss your cookie job as the mixer
I miss antisocial cuddle sessions

Too long, I've been here too long
stayed through too much, cried for so little
The instant I say goodbye I breathe, an expansion of ribs and organs and I'm alive
You killed me very quietly, sneaky like you are
You tiptoed over my traps and sank (victorious) into my favorite chair
(you thieved that too)

I say goodbye because I want to live
without you
I say goodbye because I'm no longer obligated to say
good morning

in with the love, out with the jealousy

jealousy have swallowed me whole,
this monster is gnawing on my insides,
take every vital organ away from me
little nibbles at a time.
Oh please, please take these
suspicious thoughts from my pea brain.
i pray that you cant see the ugly green in my eyes,
i cant help the red specks on my cheeks.
you relay to me that its stupid,
quit acting like a stupid bit..
a quick slap in the face,
reality check here.
get your head on straight,
rewind that clock back to a normal state
take a deep breath with every step
in with the love, out with the jealousy

Shattered

I'm remembering the day I told you you could keep me
Looked you dead in the eye and lied that I'd stay around
I'm remebering nights of touching and holding and learning
and new
I knew I loved you
knew from the first time I heard you laugh
it spilled like sugar onto a cupcake
like ages of tape being unwound from an 8-track
and backing up to when my heart was a virgin
I was a virgin with you
I hold your face in the palms of my mind
see you in every picture at night that tricks me into thinking
you're here
lover you're here.
in that picture frame that held our lips and the fan that you left on
I smell your skin every time I curl that pillow around my wounded heart
every breath I take is stolen from a wish
a dream
when I was your victory
you were my trophy my triumph over myself
I break my fall every day with your prison bed
I set myself free so you can feel through me what it's like
to have wings
you were my first cup of home made coffee
a brand new that could never get old
a new pair of shoes that went through the washer every day just to be able to look and say
baby I knew
I knew from the first shirt you wore and the way you ran
that we had a marathon to do
I knew how to learn my curves and fit them to you
Baby.
I see your stripes and you memorized my scars
tell me a scar story
Tell me where I'm from, and howcome when I come
to you
There's butterflies and unwrapped candies and cliff divers
There's a hole
an orface in the softest part of my heart where your body used to lie
curled up that way you do and I used to fit too
I used to fit too
And show me God, tell me how you met him how he tugged on your chain
Did you give Him my best
did you remember to tell him I'm sorry for giving this time away
If I gave you my ache would you find a place in the attic to store it until winter
when the flowers are gone and I need a way to remember this day
I've been opening presents I don't want and holding hands I can't touch
speaking truths and feeling lies never ever forgetting
your eyes
your chocolate eyes
tell me why do I breathe in your tears every time I say goodbye
why do I even try to say goodbye

Remeber your face the rest of my life

I saw a girl at Barnes and Noble,
She took my breathe away for the 4th time in my life.
She said "excuse me",
It was the second conversation we'd ever had.
She introduced her self once before but I don't remeber her name,
Just the tatto of a snake across her lower back.I wonder if she knew me,
or the shocked look on my face

Since I Die Daily, Daily Mourn.

Here, on fingertips, death resides

here, the anguish doth not subside

heavy with such mystery

falsehoods of such alchemy.

Enter death, an eternal breath,

to capsize youth and end distress

fortitude be yours, O sultan,

without a wince, you bring the silence from within.

Thou art the work of holy men

with little insight from within.

An auspice thou protest

so quickly, thou must lie to rest!

Hesitate not, in mine eyes thou

art fair and generous

granting mystery to the gangrenous

and wealthy alike!

O sultan, O sultan!

deliver from this world to thine

a message for those left behind

Faustian letters do remind

of days of old.

O sultan! O sultan!

here I lie upon the zenith of death

coffins for my eternal rest;

at my behest, my arms criss-cross my chest

upon my lips, a whisper of farewell.

Goodnight princess. Goodnight, my queen.

~.

Love,

Digress.

Forget writing, i lost it

we bleed without integrety,
And induce like celebrities,
we're paying for amenities,
as their stealing our identities
The clock stops, hesitating,
debating the moments its been creatiting and displaying,
Time waits,Unsparing,
Imparing the thoughts of preparing and staring.
defeat in my feet, and the concrete that they meet.
Trying to leave but your kiss makes me weak.

Te Amo

Is it sensible that pain can clense
purge
So many mixed tantrums float through the atmosphere
Breathe in. out. in. out. 10. 10. one...two...three.....ten
Ballsy
Chip on my shoulder.
You got it babe.
Broken like my words. thoughts. feelings.
I was ready
turn and walk, no talk, no tears, no words.
people, like natural disasters, have a way of drawing observers
Change change change
NEVER
I want you how I want you
But not forever
I wish
I'd let you go on forever
pero....mi familia
por favor mi amor, no mas. por favor.
I'd paint you away, secrets are better kept

Tribute.

With haste, the kiss we taste

strewn upon this bed are we

and that is how I shall forever see

shimmering gems of brown identity

along your body run the streams of time

slowly, I trace your outline

from head to toe

your touch is enough to sew together

internal feelings I cannot eschew

I stir, I plot, I seek a view

parting of lips force one to two.

Pound at my keys,

I am your harpsichord,

sounds sharper than the sword,

upon your mantel I shall rest

and the world I detest

until, again, I can invest

in carrying out your behest.

You witch--you siren--

coaxing me into oblivion;

under your spell, I have no decision,

but pursue your passion with precision;

enchanted, I am, by your beauty and poise

alchemise a lust potion--no!

your philtre bringeth pure devotion.

Here be we,

a genius of sweet alchemy,

and a man of great cacophony.

~Hansel und Grettle.

Love,

Digress.

1812 Overture.

Here, the lines are drawn

soldiers sing the battle song

'tis not the time for turning back

upon the field, creeds shall impact.

Down the line, the orders run

blazing blades in handfuls of sun

armour shimmers between the clouds

blood weighs heavy on these boughs.

Prepared, are we and thou not be

able to respond aptly to our victory

war brought by providence

'tis mine will o'er thine dominance.

For freedom the titans fight

clad in red, blue, and white

muskets and swords for what we want

for fire gives what the pen cannot!

Steady on steeds, we fight the decree

of those who built this colony

stand ready men; do not falter

for this land is of thine father.

Clutch the hilt and be not weak

the blade, blood, it shall seek

we will collide with destiny

out of death comes our victory.

Decimate and then some more

make them feel a ruddy sore;

little mercy at the trigger

for we shall bring the fire on thicker.

And in the night we shall war too

our aim and sight be true

until our goal is reached;

our governors impeached!

~Seventeen-seventy-when?

Love,

Digress.

Howl At The Blood Moon.

I set my top-hat down

on your

bed.

I walk into the room

with a grin made

of bullets.

Heretofore, I was your

enemy;

henceforth,

I am your friend.

Now the lead

is buried.

I let robins

in your

bedroom.

I break your mirror.

Love,

Digress.

Looking Indubitable

It is good

to sit

here on

my stoop

thinking about

litigation;

listening

to the neighbourhood

settle

into the

first clam

night of

spring.

And as I

take

another swig

of

the saké,

the neighbours

return

from a birthday dinner.

They carry in

a case

of beer.

Maybe

I'll be social tonight.

~Believe me.

Love,

Digress.