Tomorrow looms

Is it so wrong to feel nothing? I feel no butterflies when we kiss(ed) and I don't want more hugs and I don't giggle-like-a-4th-grade-girl-with-her-first-crush. You crush(ed) me. But only partly, only a little more than I already was crushed by life-takers and 6 tattoos and brown eyes gone grey. I say 6 years, change for me. Become that perfection that can rescue me and fix this sh** and pull at the corners of my mouth until I smile I have to smile. Misery is always a delayed reaction. The journey goes as follows: shock (always first), laughter (because that makes it not real), (attempted) repair, ineedtotakecareofmyself, letgo giveup i'msorrybutican't. happiness? denial, bitter because i was so stupid to let you drag me down, imissyou he can't fill your void. misery. And there are two "you"s which is not the same as having only one. One from a history book. One, the other, an aching scorched tearing ripping agonizing.....void. A goneness that only YOU could leave. So I feel nothing. No bluebirds singing no homecooked dinners no butterflies. And I'll learn not to give in to the nighttime with its sadness and hurtyoulikeyouneverhurtbefore seductions. And what I want to know is when and how does healing start? Is it a self-starter or is it a choice one makes? I make?And tell me one last final thing, I want you to answer me this: did you ever deserve me?