Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I wanna reach
Into your soul. Cliche! I mean, I want to reach into your mind and ask one question, maybe two because I talk a lot. I want to know why, why did you have to now? Why did I have to push you in your wheelchair? I want to reach in you brain, stop all your blood vessels from constricting and have you with me longer. I wasn't sure I'd see you yesterday. I got so scared when you weren't in your office. I said Daddy, Dad please stop, please just be sitting there where I can come sit on your lap and feel safe. Your baby, so safe, I wanna reach and make your pain disappear, give you feeling back in your hand. I want to stop you from crying and I want to feel like your baby daughter. I wanna reach into our family history, stop it from ever spreading and stop me from getting it. I don't want to reach for the shaving cream to shave your beard for you or reach for the tissue when a sad commercial plays. I hold my breath everytime I see your body lying in bed, wait for you to move. And talk. I wanna reach over and take that lawn mower that destroyed my manly, tough father. You didn't know, you were just trying to help and I couldn't see you. I'm sorry I cried in front of you. I didn't get to you fast enough and you couldn't talk, it was like my heart was torn into a million pieces, your face to one side. I want to make you better again.
I love endings
I love endings because it can only bring new beginnings. The things that I want to end the most are those that hurt the most. I want my Grandparents to end their childish behavior and be the Grandparents they should be. The ones that love with their hearts and not with the money from their wallets. The ones that send a cheesy birthday card with a small check but also come to my choir concerts and my soccer games. I would love this ending one because it would bring me two Grandparents that every grandchild deserves. A beginning to a new family that would no longer dread holidays, but enjoy being with each other on days besides Christmas and Easter. These are endings that only happen in fairy tales and dreams. The happily every after endings that we all dream about but never come alive in reality.
Hate...?
I hate that
no matter how bad you treat me,
my feelings inside
for you still grow.
Every harsh word said,
Every back turned.
I try to let you see,
but everytime i just get burned.
I hate that
I need your touch,
and the warmth of you there.
Whenever I am in your arms,
I feel like I'm floating on air.
Everyday seems so
different than the last,
One day you are right next to me,
but the next, I'm just the past.
I hate how
well you know me.
Every mistake, every fear.
I hate how
it's you who's causing all these tears.
I hate all
my late night phone calls,
in times of desperate need,
and you lying to me, saying,
"Why'd you do it?...You know
you can count on me".
I hate it when
you lie to me,
and you know
I know the truth.
Don't give me
all this bull shit!
How can you
be so cruel?
I hate how
you play favorites,
and that it's different everyday.
I hate that
what hurts me the most,
are the things that you don't say.
I hate the
way I feel
when I catch the gaze
of your
easy-to-get-lost-in-
brown eyes.
I hate how
you used to understand me,
and
I hate that it's for you I would die.
The ironic thing is,
I don't hate you at all,
I just hate the fact that I let myself fall.
Writer's cramp is setting in, so I guess I must go.
I doubt that you'll ever read this,
but if you do,
then my true feelings you will know.
no matter how bad you treat me,
my feelings inside
for you still grow.
Every harsh word said,
Every back turned.
I try to let you see,
but everytime i just get burned.
I hate that
I need your touch,
and the warmth of you there.
Whenever I am in your arms,
I feel like I'm floating on air.
Everyday seems so
different than the last,
One day you are right next to me,
but the next, I'm just the past.
I hate how
well you know me.
Every mistake, every fear.
I hate how
it's you who's causing all these tears.
I hate all
my late night phone calls,
in times of desperate need,
and you lying to me, saying,
"Why'd you do it?...You know
you can count on me".
I hate it when
you lie to me,
and you know
I know the truth.
Don't give me
all this bull shit!
How can you
be so cruel?
I hate how
you play favorites,
and that it's different everyday.
I hate that
what hurts me the most,
are the things that you don't say.
I hate the
way I feel
when I catch the gaze
of your
easy-to-get-lost-in-
brown eyes.
I hate how
you used to understand me,
and
I hate that it's for you I would die.
The ironic thing is,
I don't hate you at all,
I just hate the fact that I let myself fall.
Writer's cramp is setting in, so I guess I must go.
I doubt that you'll ever read this,
but if you do,
then my true feelings you will know.
Monday, January 29, 2007
I love beginnings
It's like the sweet taste of chocolate and raspberries left in my mouth...like feeling the sun on a cold day...like a long nap. It's exciting and delicious and interesting and scary. This...this knowing there's something where there used to be nothing, this knowing he's gonna be there, this feeling of re-defining the big word. It's giggling and cuddling and learning boundaries; nothing fights and "I'm sorry"s and safe places to fall. It's ridiculous, really, how totally and completely somebody can get wrapped up in a moment, this moment where nothing could ruin the mood they're (I'm) in, and, to be completely honest, is it fair to say that I could've been here sooner? Twitterpated (Bambi) That's what I'd call it.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Untitled.
Im sorry for everything i did to you
Im sorry for everything i put you through
My only hope
is that you'll do
what ive always wanted you to
and forgive me.
Please dont look at the past or future
The here and now is where we are.
Just hold my hand and understand
That i love you more than you'll ever know.
Im sorry for everything i put you through
My only hope
is that you'll do
what ive always wanted you to
and forgive me.
Please dont look at the past or future
The here and now is where we are.
Just hold my hand and understand
That i love you more than you'll ever know.
Love memory
Love.
It seems as though when i feel it,
It slips through my fingers.
I cant hold on to this- crushing feeling-
I need to move on
but i cant seem to forget
you in my past
Now just a memory to me.
Please, just let it be.
I cant live with this pain anymore.
Just forget, what i will not regret.
And leave this memory alone.
It seems as though when i feel it,
It slips through my fingers.
I cant hold on to this- crushing feeling-
I need to move on
but i cant seem to forget
you in my past
Now just a memory to me.
Please, just let it be.
I cant live with this pain anymore.
Just forget, what i will not regret.
And leave this memory alone.
My generation.
my generation. is hip. is unique. What will it become? Everyone is so generalized. All the old people look at us and say "what will they become?" and shake their heads and think about a better day. Who knows what we're going to turn out to be. Well i say that i cant speak for everyone else but as for me...i WILL become something, someone, exactly what i want out of life. I refuse not to. Too many people have told me that i "can't" or "won't" and every next person that says those things, especially when its my oen father, makes me just want to succeed more. And dont worry, I am going to become a novelist and psychologist for troubled kids, and i will start my own practice, and live life the way i want, and in the direction that it takes me. And as for my generation. I have faith in that too. Call me cocky, over-hopeful, too confident, whatever you may please. But i just like to call myself.
My Future.
Say good-bye to the smoker, non-productive, messed up, good for nothing teen. My future is something for everyone to recognize. So, to those of you who say i cant. Wait for the future. Then ill be saying "you wont"
My future is mine.
My Future.
Say good-bye to the smoker, non-productive, messed up, good for nothing teen. My future is something for everyone to recognize. So, to those of you who say i cant. Wait for the future. Then ill be saying "you wont"
My future is mine.
Endings.
The end is near
and all that i ever saw is clear
This is the time ive been waiting for
much like a metaphor
To see whats on the other side
to see beyond
what i live everyday
I wanted to be
what you wanted me to see
like a picture
placed in a crowded room
that stands out
like the one in a room
this is real
like its clear
its all been here before
like the nightmare i re-live
let me know what you want
what do i do
what do i see in you?
Its all at the end.
and all that i ever saw is clear
This is the time ive been waiting for
much like a metaphor
To see whats on the other side
to see beyond
what i live everyday
I wanted to be
what you wanted me to see
like a picture
placed in a crowded room
that stands out
like the one in a room
this is real
like its clear
its all been here before
like the nightmare i re-live
let me know what you want
what do i do
what do i see in you?
Its all at the end.
The Way I'll Always Be
Why do I still waste my time on you?
When you aren't willing to waste time on me
I would do anything and everything for you
But that's something you choose not to see.
Why do I still talk to you?
When you won't even pick up the phone
I need you now more than ever before
Because now I'm on my own.
Why do I still think about you?
Because if I didn't I'd lose my mind
But what about all of the memories?
I could not ever leave them behind.
Why do I still wish you would come back?
When I know it will never come true
Twinkle, twinkle little star
My wish is always you.
Why do I still love you?
That's something I could never explain
I would still take a bullet and die for you
Even after enduring this pain.
Why can I not hate you?
After all you've put me through
I honestly could not tell you
But it`s something I can`t do.
Why do I care so much?
About people who never care for me
I guess it's just the way I am
The way I'll always be.
When you aren't willing to waste time on me
I would do anything and everything for you
But that's something you choose not to see.
Why do I still talk to you?
When you won't even pick up the phone
I need you now more than ever before
Because now I'm on my own.
Why do I still think about you?
Because if I didn't I'd lose my mind
But what about all of the memories?
I could not ever leave them behind.
Why do I still wish you would come back?
When I know it will never come true
Twinkle, twinkle little star
My wish is always you.
Why do I still love you?
That's something I could never explain
I would still take a bullet and die for you
Even after enduring this pain.
Why can I not hate you?
After all you've put me through
I honestly could not tell you
But it`s something I can`t do.
Why do I care so much?
About people who never care for me
I guess it's just the way I am
The way I'll always be.
People Like Me
Laughing and poking fun,
it's not always funny to everyone.
People so inconsiderate of others around,
They don't seem to care
if they cause someone to fall down.
Judgements being made everyday,
Because of who you are,
Or what you do on a bad day.
They don't think that the words they say,
will affect anyone in any way.
"Hey...you look so sad, can I get you a razor
so you can make a scar?",
they say and laugh so hard.
Little do they know that I'm the one scarred.
And at each-what they call- "harmless joke",
I scar even more,
Not only on the outside,
but deep into my soul.
Trying so very hard to not let it get to me,
but it's only getting harder,
why can't they just leave it be?
I dealt with it,
Defeated it,
and put it in the past,
but it seems like it came back so fast.
Why can't they just wake up and see,
that people deal with this...maybe...
People like me.
it's not always funny to everyone.
People so inconsiderate of others around,
They don't seem to care
if they cause someone to fall down.
Judgements being made everyday,
Because of who you are,
Or what you do on a bad day.
They don't think that the words they say,
will affect anyone in any way.
"Hey...you look so sad, can I get you a razor
so you can make a scar?",
they say and laugh so hard.
Little do they know that I'm the one scarred.
And at each-what they call- "harmless joke",
I scar even more,
Not only on the outside,
but deep into my soul.
Trying so very hard to not let it get to me,
but it's only getting harder,
why can't they just leave it be?
I dealt with it,
Defeated it,
and put it in the past,
but it seems like it came back so fast.
Why can't they just wake up and see,
that people deal with this...maybe...
People like me.
What Makes Love Great
What makes love so great?
It's such a big risk,
that I'm willing to take.
It's amazing how quickly
I tend to fall,
because of every late night phone call.
It starts with a rose,
then a teddy bear,
next comes a bracelet,
or a necklace to wear.
Two arms wrapped around me,
that make me feel so loved.
Two arms that make me feel
like he could be the one.
Every soft, gentle kiss,
hello or good-bye,
tells me that he cares,
and that it's gonna be all right.
Every joke he makes,
to bring me up when I am down,
He loves it when I smile
and doesn't want to see me frown.
The look in his eyes,
the way that I feel,
it's so amazing,
because it seems so real.
But what happens when it's not,
Or when all the magic's gone,
and was never there at all?
One heart gets broken,
It's almost never both.
Tears won't stop flowing,
can it get any worse?
Love begins and ends with a fall,
The risk that I took is what I should blame it on.
So what is it that makes love so great?
Maybe love is not so great after all.
It's such a big risk,
that I'm willing to take.
It's amazing how quickly
I tend to fall,
because of every late night phone call.
It starts with a rose,
then a teddy bear,
next comes a bracelet,
or a necklace to wear.
Two arms wrapped around me,
that make me feel so loved.
Two arms that make me feel
like he could be the one.
Every soft, gentle kiss,
hello or good-bye,
tells me that he cares,
and that it's gonna be all right.
Every joke he makes,
to bring me up when I am down,
He loves it when I smile
and doesn't want to see me frown.
The look in his eyes,
the way that I feel,
it's so amazing,
because it seems so real.
But what happens when it's not,
Or when all the magic's gone,
and was never there at all?
One heart gets broken,
It's almost never both.
Tears won't stop flowing,
can it get any worse?
Love begins and ends with a fall,
The risk that I took is what I should blame it on.
So what is it that makes love so great?
Maybe love is not so great after all.
Friday, January 26, 2007
hmm maybe I made a mistake
Not wanting worry or sympathy
sorry if that's what it's gotten me
not really thinking before I put it on
just feeling like my heart was gone
thoughts fogging up my good judgement
just should have left the words in print
I'll be ok I always am
dealing with issues in the fam
if you still want to talk that's ok
I'm not quite sure what to say
thing is this semesters a little sour
and now I have a sevent hour
so I'll see if your there after school?
sorry if that's what it's gotten me
not really thinking before I put it on
just feeling like my heart was gone
thoughts fogging up my good judgement
just should have left the words in print
I'll be ok I always am
dealing with issues in the fam
if you still want to talk that's ok
I'm not quite sure what to say
thing is this semesters a little sour
and now I have a sevent hour
so I'll see if your there after school?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
a safe place
I sit, a Ken doll head staring at me, next to a gold pig...man, I miss this. These kids don't quite know yet how lucky they are to be in here. A list, not taken seriously, a prompt, supposed to be serious and sincere. Does it make you nervous, the way he leans over your shoulder, observing...thinking, reading...learning..? The yellow and purple walls, the numerous posters (my favorite: the feeling wheel), the music playing - softly beckoning you to greater lands...places of poetry of honesty of vulnerability of peace. Do it. Take a risk, write something true and beautiful and....you. I miss this hour of my day where anything goes, when I have a safe place to say what I gotta say and just get it out, just put it down on paper, show my colors. In this room, I have power because I give myself power and I believe in my power. and then he says "find a period" so I leave this part blank
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Please Understand. Me.
I can not survivie without you.
My soul breaks
My heart Aches
And we can not be together.
In the midst of the day
Our love is at bay
when no one can stand
to stay or go
Im on my knees
begging you, please
for you not to walk away.
When you walk away from me
my heart fills the day
with empty thoughts and feelings
my mind takes the blankness
and molds it into great-ness
with which i can read to you.
I take the thoughts and form them to understand,
the inner turmoil i face today.
Please understand why i cant hold your hand,
and tell you that i love you too.
My soul breaks
My heart Aches
And we can not be together.
In the midst of the day
Our love is at bay
when no one can stand
to stay or go
Im on my knees
begging you, please
for you not to walk away.
When you walk away from me
my heart fills the day
with empty thoughts and feelings
my mind takes the blankness
and molds it into great-ness
with which i can read to you.
I take the thoughts and form them to understand,
the inner turmoil i face today.
Please understand why i cant hold your hand,
and tell you that i love you too.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
When your nothing to everyone...
tear drops fall on my economics homework
too much on my mind
wanting to push the stop button on my life...
then push rewind
I never would have liked him
I never would have gone
I never would have known "THEM"
I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE!
I wouldn't have had to leave my friends or my school
I still would have my job
I never would have known their unwritten rule
That life would still be going
I'd be on my old side of the fence
My Illinois life I've known for so long, wouldn't be a past tense
They don't want me here anymore
they think it's time to go
the fact that they know how many days I have left
is a huge blow
Forced to pick sides
draw a white line through my loyalties
It's obvious where I am going to go
which tide I'm going to ride
the family I've had for 18 years
over the one I've known for five
feeling the inflamation in my heart
and the water in my eyes
Praying that before anyone comes down the stairs
it subsides and dries
If I didn't have my notebook
or I didn't take that class
Basically if writing wasn't my "buzz"
I'd be the quiet, self destructive person
that I once was.
too much on my mind
wanting to push the stop button on my life...
then push rewind
I never would have liked him
I never would have gone
I never would have known "THEM"
I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE!
I wouldn't have had to leave my friends or my school
I still would have my job
I never would have known their unwritten rule
That life would still be going
I'd be on my old side of the fence
My Illinois life I've known for so long, wouldn't be a past tense
They don't want me here anymore
they think it's time to go
the fact that they know how many days I have left
is a huge blow
Forced to pick sides
draw a white line through my loyalties
It's obvious where I am going to go
which tide I'm going to ride
the family I've had for 18 years
over the one I've known for five
feeling the inflamation in my heart
and the water in my eyes
Praying that before anyone comes down the stairs
it subsides and dries
If I didn't have my notebook
or I didn't take that class
Basically if writing wasn't my "buzz"
I'd be the quiet, self destructive person
that I once was.
Monday, January 22, 2007
A Bedtime Story...my try at something new
Once in a distant land a young warrior stood on the edge of the world, he asked the gods for forgiveness. He asked for guidance. When he went upon the road he found a women of the rebels, yet he could not kill her. For within her he saw faith, she had been born to this life not knowing the rightful path. He took her in but she ran from him leaving nothing behind but a memory. As he followed a trail sung to him in his dreams he came upon the rebel camp. She smiled when she saw him and said, "you arrived sooner then anticipated." He looked about at what she called home, but instead of seeing the disgusting filth they lived in he saw happiness and prosperity. He thought to himself what have they done that the king has not. She smiled and said aloud, "we have prayed to the gods for forgiveness for our sins. and they have forgiven and granted us a new life." He stared at her when a male voice resounded from behind him, "as they have you, welcome newcomer I see you have chosen my daughter, Emerald as yours."
~Reikan~
~Reikan~
Gratitude
You're no angel, you said it yourself. You've had your ups and downs, though, now that I think of it, I don't know much about. You've seen me change, transform, become another person, maybe...did you see it happening? I faced fears I didn't acknowledge I had, I cried tears I didn't think I would, I made friends I never will forget. More than a teacher, you've become a friend, a trusted confidant (yeah, look at my big words), and a safe place to talk. See, people touch your life in different ways: some come at times when you need them most and teach you things you need to learn, some are always good for a laugh or a good piece of advice, and some leave you with something so deep inside - it's like footprints on a beach that no wave can wash away - you know you'll never forget them or the time you shared. All this and more: you've become. You're right, I am genuinely happy. I gave my heart and soul and in return....I got more than a pen. Thanks, Leyba.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
My Birthday...
Everyone gets one once a year
and it seems as if mine is here.
It's a "big one" 18 candles on the cake,
and that big box of presents is mine to take
that came yesterday from Illinois
from all of my relatives packed with joy.
To their_______ relative turning 18!
(who it's been a while since they've seen)
I should be happy and joyous,
everyone else is making quite a fuss,
but I can't help but be a little scared
to see exactly how I fare.
I've been a little stressed as the minutes passed,
and like most things they went to fast.
Now it's my one last one being a kid
and I want to feel like I once did,
with no stress or a care at all
and the only thing you planned was when to play ball.
But now it's over and adulthood is here.
my most prominate emotion-fear.
I'll get over it and be happy again,
and wear that cheesy "I'm 18" pin --(thanks Linz)
12:00 midnight
my "big year" finally in sight.
And my heart just dropped to the floor,
because I'm really not a kid anymore.
and it seems as if mine is here.
It's a "big one" 18 candles on the cake,
and that big box of presents is mine to take
that came yesterday from Illinois
from all of my relatives packed with joy.
To their_______ relative turning 18!
(who it's been a while since they've seen)
I should be happy and joyous,
everyone else is making quite a fuss,
but I can't help but be a little scared
to see exactly how I fare.
I've been a little stressed as the minutes passed,
and like most things they went to fast.
Now it's my one last one being a kid
and I want to feel like I once did,
with no stress or a care at all
and the only thing you planned was when to play ball.
But now it's over and adulthood is here.
my most prominate emotion-fear.
I'll get over it and be happy again,
and wear that cheesy "I'm 18" pin --(thanks Linz)
12:00 midnight
my "big year" finally in sight.
And my heart just dropped to the floor,
because I'm really not a kid anymore.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Digress two (this)
this is to the ones who always held my back
who would stand tall while i would attack
my panic, my left, my traffic, my right
tonight, you and i, we're gonna find life
i promise it'll be tight
just trust and believe
just trust and believe
tell me that right before you leave
i've got another ace up my sleeve
another ride down my greif
so open the heart, its a good start
my sense of self, is a sense past delt
no, i've got no meaning, i've got no dreaming
nightmares and strange stares
looking into my world, paired
sub par and inadequate
i've been working on my educate
i've been building my personality kit
so if we fail tonight, we're all gonna find
that its not the right time
so wait for next week, it'll be the message we seek
this is to the ones who gave me something
some time, just just empty my crime
to empty the guilt that passes through veins
tap the fame, tap the brain
allow it to leek into pens that seek
the proper words are meek
hobos and locals directing my vocals
i need to speak from the choke holds
expressing my weak souls
transferring, trespassing, and condescending
villainous in its attempt; steadily inspecting
so open breath, and open the rest
and open your chest for the ones who test
wasting ink, wasting time
conduits from sunken ships
this treasure was to remind
this treasure was for our kind
repetitive and complacent in sedative
relaxation in the meditative placement
if i could thank the people who gave me my rank
i'd tell them that rhymes were the tank
indestructible and very insightful
right to write, and write the right
standing in the field red to the west
and sun to the east
the night was long but it came up with a song
and it will never see the break of dawn
for the past life was present
now the common depth
is dependent on the breath
open this door to the new world order
last was first til the first became last
but what about the ones who outlast
and the ones considered trash
enough to bash and enough to cast
a spell upon those who never made it back
from the distant thoughts
and the correlating knots
walk with religion
walk with benediction
wait, i digress
forgive my breath
this is to the ones who inspired
this is to the ones who fed the fire
this is to the ones who never left my side.
who would stand tall while i would attack
my panic, my left, my traffic, my right
tonight, you and i, we're gonna find life
i promise it'll be tight
just trust and believe
just trust and believe
tell me that right before you leave
i've got another ace up my sleeve
another ride down my greif
so open the heart, its a good start
my sense of self, is a sense past delt
no, i've got no meaning, i've got no dreaming
nightmares and strange stares
looking into my world, paired
sub par and inadequate
i've been working on my educate
i've been building my personality kit
so if we fail tonight, we're all gonna find
that its not the right time
so wait for next week, it'll be the message we seek
this is to the ones who gave me something
some time, just just empty my crime
to empty the guilt that passes through veins
tap the fame, tap the brain
allow it to leek into pens that seek
the proper words are meek
hobos and locals directing my vocals
i need to speak from the choke holds
expressing my weak souls
transferring, trespassing, and condescending
villainous in its attempt; steadily inspecting
so open breath, and open the rest
and open your chest for the ones who test
wasting ink, wasting time
conduits from sunken ships
this treasure was to remind
this treasure was for our kind
repetitive and complacent in sedative
relaxation in the meditative placement
if i could thank the people who gave me my rank
i'd tell them that rhymes were the tank
indestructible and very insightful
right to write, and write the right
standing in the field red to the west
and sun to the east
the night was long but it came up with a song
and it will never see the break of dawn
for the past life was present
now the common depth
is dependent on the breath
open this door to the new world order
last was first til the first became last
but what about the ones who outlast
and the ones considered trash
enough to bash and enough to cast
a spell upon those who never made it back
from the distant thoughts
and the correlating knots
walk with religion
walk with benediction
wait, i digress
forgive my breath
this is to the ones who inspired
this is to the ones who fed the fire
this is to the ones who never left my side.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Torture Me
You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beaneath
All of eternity these things i see
Will torture me
Torture me With those words you use
Torture me Lighting up my fuse
Torture me
I cant see what im doing anymore
Here you go, Keep burning me
Teasing up the flame beaneth
Each one takes their turn with me
Trying to see
Torture me
Pullin' on me
Toture me
Your stabbin' me
With eternity
The way you look Inside of me
You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beneath
All of eternty these things i see
Will torture me.
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beaneath
All of eternity these things i see
Will torture me
Torture me With those words you use
Torture me Lighting up my fuse
Torture me
I cant see what im doing anymore
Here you go, Keep burning me
Teasing up the flame beaneth
Each one takes their turn with me
Trying to see
Torture me
Pullin' on me
Toture me
Your stabbin' me
With eternity
The way you look Inside of me
You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beneath
All of eternty these things i see
Will torture me.
This is me
Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
I stumble threw
Your world that
I call hell
Not much you see
Is what you want
What I see
Is who I am
Don’t wanna be
What you want
This is me
I stumbled then I fell
Cant walk around
With out everyone
Staring at me
Get used to it
Its who I am
I’m not a clone, I’m not like you
I make mistakes
I stumble and I fall
This is me
I’m not you
Don’t try to change me
It wont work
Get used to it
Cuz this is ME
Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
I stumble threw
Your world that
I call hell
Not much you see
Is what you want
What I see
Is who I am
Don’t wanna be
What you want
This is me
I stumbled then I fell
Cant walk around
With out everyone
Staring at me
Get used to it
Its who I am
I’m not a clone, I’m not like you
I make mistakes
I stumble and I fall
This is me
I’m not you
Don’t try to change me
It wont work
Get used to it
Cuz this is ME
Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
Everyday...
Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
The hurt the stabing
The smaking the grabing
The wounds the bruises
Wont be left untouched
The noises and the screaming
Filling my ears
The hurting the flinging
Forcing back tears
Why must you do this
Why do you hurt me
Everyday, you never miss
You never see
Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
The hurt the stabing
The smaking the grabing
The wounds the bruises
Wont be left untouched
The noises and the screaming
Filling my ears
The hurting the flinging
Forcing back tears
Why must you do this
Why do you hurt me
Everyday, you never miss
You never see
Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Leave Me Be
lost the ability to feel
nothing seems to be real
stumbling through the awakened hoursforcing my head out of the fog
faking my own existence
but i fail
the anchor holds me down
always will prevail.
the more i pray, the more i beg
maybe, just might
turn into another bad dream
but i know better
another one of your life learning schemes.
this torture is your call
trying to get even.
what did i ever do to you.
you'll never ever comprehend
all the damage you've caused to do me in.
nightmares of masked faces
replaced with blurred images of disappearing faces.
my memory struggles to remember
but the more frantic i blindly grasp
they tend to slip away.
silence trickles down my cheek
don't want to appear weak.
it's a never ending cycleonce i feel it's all starting to stop...
my pillowcase proves the existence of another drop.
i've grown accustomed to this loneliness
so much emptiness has filled me to the brim
anymore and i'm gonna explode
i can't take anymore
the soul has been sold.
my heart has burrowed deep
within my depths
this emotion seeking expedition
feels hopeless
the longer you're gone
the more you lose where you began
forget where the heart truly is.
wanna take a shot?
i'll never even flinch.
nothing seems to be real
stumbling through the awakened hoursforcing my head out of the fog
faking my own existence
but i fail
the anchor holds me down
always will prevail.
the more i pray, the more i beg
maybe, just might
turn into another bad dream
but i know better
another one of your life learning schemes.
this torture is your call
trying to get even.
what did i ever do to you.
you'll never ever comprehend
all the damage you've caused to do me in.
nightmares of masked faces
replaced with blurred images of disappearing faces.
my memory struggles to remember
but the more frantic i blindly grasp
they tend to slip away.
silence trickles down my cheek
don't want to appear weak.
it's a never ending cycleonce i feel it's all starting to stop...
my pillowcase proves the existence of another drop.
i've grown accustomed to this loneliness
so much emptiness has filled me to the brim
anymore and i'm gonna explode
i can't take anymore
the soul has been sold.
my heart has burrowed deep
within my depths
this emotion seeking expedition
feels hopeless
the longer you're gone
the more you lose where you began
forget where the heart truly is.
wanna take a shot?
i'll never even flinch.
Monday, January 15, 2007
My Own Epiphany
My calling
My flashing light
My sign from above
My passion
My dream
A rediscovered love
I've been waiting for something to happen all year
an answer
finality
all that I've sought
not ending the unknown my biggest fear
College?
Work?
An empty profession?
Or a life lived aimlessly with no direction?
For three calender years that has been my question.
What to become,
Who to "be"
Decide. Right now the future-set me.
The grasp. The hold
What's out there for me?
But it's all been inside of me the whole time
mostly executed by ryhme
the poems
the writings
all the words
have been soaring out of me like fleeing birds
And yet I've been trying to keep them dead
pushed away and hidden under my bed
Uncertainty
Question
Doubt
Fear
And yet my words have been the key all these years
This is it
The window I wanted
A day that matters
now each passing month won't make me sadder.
Enlightning
Eye opening
Ms. Whis freshman year you're more than done,
That is all thanks to the senior one.
Because you put me through those three years of strife
and you killed the dream he brought back to life.
Relief
A sigh
No more danger
I'm going to try to be that english major.
I feel in my head, I should hear a symphany
Because I finally had My Own Epiphany.
Thanks Mr. Leyba
My flashing light
My sign from above
My passion
My dream
A rediscovered love
I've been waiting for something to happen all year
an answer
finality
all that I've sought
not ending the unknown my biggest fear
College?
Work?
An empty profession?
Or a life lived aimlessly with no direction?
For three calender years that has been my question.
What to become,
Who to "be"
Decide. Right now the future-set me.
The grasp. The hold
What's out there for me?
But it's all been inside of me the whole time
mostly executed by ryhme
the poems
the writings
all the words
have been soaring out of me like fleeing birds
And yet I've been trying to keep them dead
pushed away and hidden under my bed
Uncertainty
Question
Doubt
Fear
And yet my words have been the key all these years
This is it
The window I wanted
A day that matters
now each passing month won't make me sadder.
Enlightning
Eye opening
Ms. Whis freshman year you're more than done,
That is all thanks to the senior one.
Because you put me through those three years of strife
and you killed the dream he brought back to life.
Relief
A sigh
No more danger
I'm going to try to be that english major.
I feel in my head, I should hear a symphany
Because I finally had My Own Epiphany.
Thanks Mr. Leyba
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I love this class
The ones who care are showin it I’m barely keeping it just above blowin it
Period 4 you brung it and own it and you know it
and other classes just say things like “he hates us”
but those hippies just can’t rhyme with us
they’re like a messy mouth kid try’n to lay a kiss on us
this p4 owns this floor
even though today is the last time you walk through that door
my heart is the place where you live now
you’re hall of famers word smith rhyme gamers
put other classes to shamers
U ain’t blamers and fools with eyes so red that when you bend over you bleed till your dead
no not this group
you are called a class for a reason
you’ve been leadin all season
like Special CJ just caught the pass
you caught a case of I’m kickin your ass
you are the the white writers of rhyme
and lovers of hard things to say on the page
not afraid to get made and show you have feelings
tears don’t mean weakness to you
they’re more like emotional fuel
not one of us felt like a fool hangin word hoops in the air
and maybe the Rabbit shoulda been in this lair
cuz he’s as close as it comes to havin word guns
bang
another word casualty
damn I rhyme my whole vocabulary
sister mary
biggy blue
god I’ll miss you
even gunton got me feelin sumthin
and I’m thinking of quittin the meat just for Jamie
and Kayla couldn’t blame me if I start drinkin after reading her reasons for being here
like that country star who loves this bar
I love this class
Period 4 you brung it and own it and you know it
and other classes just say things like “he hates us”
but those hippies just can’t rhyme with us
they’re like a messy mouth kid try’n to lay a kiss on us
this p4 owns this floor
even though today is the last time you walk through that door
my heart is the place where you live now
you’re hall of famers word smith rhyme gamers
put other classes to shamers
U ain’t blamers and fools with eyes so red that when you bend over you bleed till your dead
no not this group
you are called a class for a reason
you’ve been leadin all season
like Special CJ just caught the pass
you caught a case of I’m kickin your ass
you are the the white writers of rhyme
and lovers of hard things to say on the page
not afraid to get made and show you have feelings
tears don’t mean weakness to you
they’re more like emotional fuel
not one of us felt like a fool hangin word hoops in the air
and maybe the Rabbit shoulda been in this lair
cuz he’s as close as it comes to havin word guns
bang
another word casualty
damn I rhyme my whole vocabulary
sister mary
biggy blue
god I’ll miss you
even gunton got me feelin sumthin
and I’m thinking of quittin the meat just for Jamie
and Kayla couldn’t blame me if I start drinkin after reading her reasons for being here
like that country star who loves this bar
I love this class
Dear College
Dear College,
As you can clearly see this kid means a planet to me. I wouldn’t bother to send you words unless he she asked me to and greased my palm with a Franklin plus twenty. Oh, yes
Insert name here ________________
has kicked some ass and and passed my class and swept some floors and won some games and told some lies and dried some eyes but what I will remember are words the most the end rhyme host the peaches and pie and telling love goodbye and saving lives and renaming names and early late mid life memoir games where everyone wins as tears roll down and drip off chins and splash on pages we use as gauges to measure learning but what they really tell us is that we are all yearning for connection and truth and that the only thing exclusive to youth is youth
Dear College,
student number 3 zero 3 dash comma 2 zero zero 7 will almost assuredly impact the future and wakeup tomorrow
Seriously,
I’ve watched her him beg and borrow a pencil and paper but he she never forgets the cell phone so I recommend assigning homework via text messages cuz their thumb typing skills certainly gives technology workplace edges in the next decade we will not be out texted by any country –trust me
When it comes to spelling words U r going 2B so J & K ,during tests they will always BRB cuz I taught them to just make eye contact with me B4 they P
I will truly miss them but we’ll always be BFF
Oh and another thing B4 I go I guess you need to know that you might need to speak a little louder cuz they are da da da def from sick jams piped in by headphones
Don’t feel ignored or take it personally, they just got a technology jones.
Sincerely,
Mr. Teach Her/Him
As you can clearly see this kid means a planet to me. I wouldn’t bother to send you words unless he she asked me to and greased my palm with a Franklin plus twenty. Oh, yes
Insert name here ________________
has kicked some ass and and passed my class and swept some floors and won some games and told some lies and dried some eyes but what I will remember are words the most the end rhyme host the peaches and pie and telling love goodbye and saving lives and renaming names and early late mid life memoir games where everyone wins as tears roll down and drip off chins and splash on pages we use as gauges to measure learning but what they really tell us is that we are all yearning for connection and truth and that the only thing exclusive to youth is youth
Dear College,
student number 3 zero 3 dash comma 2 zero zero 7 will almost assuredly impact the future and wakeup tomorrow
Seriously,
I’ve watched her him beg and borrow a pencil and paper but he she never forgets the cell phone so I recommend assigning homework via text messages cuz their thumb typing skills certainly gives technology workplace edges in the next decade we will not be out texted by any country –trust me
When it comes to spelling words U r going 2B so J & K ,during tests they will always BRB cuz I taught them to just make eye contact with me B4 they P
I will truly miss them but we’ll always be BFF
Oh and another thing B4 I go I guess you need to know that you might need to speak a little louder cuz they are da da da def from sick jams piped in by headphones
Don’t feel ignored or take it personally, they just got a technology jones.
Sincerely,
Mr. Teach Her/Him
Friday, January 05, 2007
New Chapter
It seems like yesterday I was watching seniors leaving my fresmen year
I was sad I had so many friends in that class
Even my boyfriend was in that class
I felt like a part of me was being torn apart
It happened again the next year but somehow it didn't bother me
I didn't really know that class
Last year I felt a wave a fear overtake me as I watched them leave
My sister went with that class
Now we no longer talk
This year I know I will be the one to leave
But honestly I don't want to
I want to stay in high school longer
I want to hear Mr. D give the speech that makes me cry more then one more time
I want to sing in the choir for more then just a winter concert
I want to be able to come home every night and hear my mom say how was school
I want to make even more memories
I wish I had decided long ago that high school was the one place I felt at home
I wish I had realized that I've grown up
I wish I had realized earlier that what I did in high school would affect me forever
I wish I had realized that I would miss it
Even with all it's imperfections
I wish I could walk through those halls on my last day and know that I was ready
But I can't because I know that on that day I will be as scared as the first
Because I know I'm beginning a new chapter
~Reikan~
I was sad I had so many friends in that class
Even my boyfriend was in that class
I felt like a part of me was being torn apart
It happened again the next year but somehow it didn't bother me
I didn't really know that class
Last year I felt a wave a fear overtake me as I watched them leave
My sister went with that class
Now we no longer talk
This year I know I will be the one to leave
But honestly I don't want to
I want to stay in high school longer
I want to hear Mr. D give the speech that makes me cry more then one more time
I want to sing in the choir for more then just a winter concert
I want to be able to come home every night and hear my mom say how was school
I want to make even more memories
I wish I had decided long ago that high school was the one place I felt at home
I wish I had realized that I've grown up
I wish I had realized earlier that what I did in high school would affect me forever
I wish I had realized that I would miss it
Even with all it's imperfections
I wish I could walk through those halls on my last day and know that I was ready
But I can't because I know that on that day I will be as scared as the first
Because I know I'm beginning a new chapter
~Reikan~
The Island of Broken Dreams
There's an Island that we live with, not too far away
an Island that disables many, every single day.
I call it an Island because it's an abstract thought
not really considered until someone close has fought.
A reservation was made for my Grandpa, turned out not to be a fair fight.
So now I'm forced to live the next few months in fright.
Because I know one day I'll get that call
and be left with a heavy haul
sit on a plane Illinois bound
with a mind in my head not completely sound
thinking about my family miles away
and the pain they dealt with everyday
watching him steadily decline
and watching him feel less and less fine
being immersed even more in the Island of tears
the Island that now most people fear.
I knew the time would come when he would get very sick,
and it would be the kind he wouldn't be able to kick.
they tell you to look for a "bright" side
but it seems there isn't one, or it always hides.
Well the Doctor did say he wouldn't see Christmas
and that he wouldn't get another ball drop with us.
But obviously it didn't work like that,
because right next to me is where he sat
when the year turned to 2007
yet we think this is the year he will go into heaven.
Because he won't be able to take anymore
and he'll be done with being sick and feeling so sore.
It's going to take him away
and leave my family with many empty days.
What is this Island so close to us?
Cancer of the pancreas
an Island that disables many, every single day.
I call it an Island because it's an abstract thought
not really considered until someone close has fought.
A reservation was made for my Grandpa, turned out not to be a fair fight.
So now I'm forced to live the next few months in fright.
Because I know one day I'll get that call
and be left with a heavy haul
sit on a plane Illinois bound
with a mind in my head not completely sound
thinking about my family miles away
and the pain they dealt with everyday
watching him steadily decline
and watching him feel less and less fine
being immersed even more in the Island of tears
the Island that now most people fear.
I knew the time would come when he would get very sick,
and it would be the kind he wouldn't be able to kick.
they tell you to look for a "bright" side
but it seems there isn't one, or it always hides.
Well the Doctor did say he wouldn't see Christmas
and that he wouldn't get another ball drop with us.
But obviously it didn't work like that,
because right next to me is where he sat
when the year turned to 2007
yet we think this is the year he will go into heaven.
Because he won't be able to take anymore
and he'll be done with being sick and feeling so sore.
It's going to take him away
and leave my family with many empty days.
What is this Island so close to us?
Cancer of the pancreas
My White Coat
32 degrees outside
I checked at the end of my car ride
it's just odd that I still have that memory to say
because at that point nothing special marked the day
I felt all was normal when I walked inside
but that feeling would soon subside
they were sitting there in the kitchen chairs
I could tell something was wrong by the uncomfortable stares
"have you talked to your Mom"? my Grandma said
what's going on I thought in my head
Come with me, we need to talk
and then down the hallway I made the long walk
we were both in when she closed the door
and soon my heart would hit the floor
you know your Grandpa's Doctors appointment today?
"yeah" was all I could think to say
well it didn't really go so well
"what" I begged her to tell
there were lessions on his x-ray
what the hell is a lession anyway?
It could mean some really bad news
there are a lot more tests coming to prove
but it looks like the answers will be bleak
and not the one's we wish to seek
I looked up at her as she said cancer
but most of the rest is just a blur
of the memories that popped into my head
of my Grandpa coming to get me out of bed
we'd sit there together and watch Popeye
when it was over he went to work and I'd wave him goodbye
or the ones of him babysitting me
Perry Mason was there glowing off the t.v.
I'd be really good and then at about 9:
I would bat those "baby blues" of mine
I wanted ice cream so off we'd be
got him every time. He couldn't resist little me
or all those days he picked me up from school
I loved those days I totally ruled
when all the other Grandpas came
all of my friends felt completely lame
but I never felt like a nerd
in my Grandpa's 72' Thunderbird
or those times I went with him to fill up
the gas tank and that plastic cup
I'd look at the purple skittles then up at him
he'd nod his head and everytime I got them
I'd throw the green and pink ones out the window
he would just smile and shake his head no
or all the meals we sat and ate
when he still wa(r)shed off my plate
but I wasn't allowed to leave, because there was still milk in my cup
until it was gone at the table I was stuck
I was hurled out of my memorys
thrusted back into reality
you should go out there and see him
I told her I couldn't keep the emotions in
I went into the kitchen and gave him a hug
couldn't stop the tears from hitting the rug
my Mom came "Do you want to talk about the day"?
I stared out the window I had nothing to say
"Don't you want to take off your coat, it's 11:30 you're not going anywhere"
still looking out the window nothing broke my stare
what I really wanted to do, was rewind the day to the mornings dew
pull it out of the closet and put on that white coat
before I ever felt the pain in this poem I wrote.
I checked at the end of my car ride
it's just odd that I still have that memory to say
because at that point nothing special marked the day
I felt all was normal when I walked inside
but that feeling would soon subside
they were sitting there in the kitchen chairs
I could tell something was wrong by the uncomfortable stares
"have you talked to your Mom"? my Grandma said
what's going on I thought in my head
Come with me, we need to talk
and then down the hallway I made the long walk
we were both in when she closed the door
and soon my heart would hit the floor
you know your Grandpa's Doctors appointment today?
"yeah" was all I could think to say
well it didn't really go so well
"what" I begged her to tell
there were lessions on his x-ray
what the hell is a lession anyway?
It could mean some really bad news
there are a lot more tests coming to prove
but it looks like the answers will be bleak
and not the one's we wish to seek
I looked up at her as she said cancer
but most of the rest is just a blur
of the memories that popped into my head
of my Grandpa coming to get me out of bed
we'd sit there together and watch Popeye
when it was over he went to work and I'd wave him goodbye
or the ones of him babysitting me
Perry Mason was there glowing off the t.v.
I'd be really good and then at about 9:
I would bat those "baby blues" of mine
I wanted ice cream so off we'd be
got him every time. He couldn't resist little me
or all those days he picked me up from school
I loved those days I totally ruled
when all the other Grandpas came
all of my friends felt completely lame
but I never felt like a nerd
in my Grandpa's 72' Thunderbird
or those times I went with him to fill up
the gas tank and that plastic cup
I'd look at the purple skittles then up at him
he'd nod his head and everytime I got them
I'd throw the green and pink ones out the window
he would just smile and shake his head no
or all the meals we sat and ate
when he still wa(r)shed off my plate
but I wasn't allowed to leave, because there was still milk in my cup
until it was gone at the table I was stuck
I was hurled out of my memorys
thrusted back into reality
you should go out there and see him
I told her I couldn't keep the emotions in
I went into the kitchen and gave him a hug
couldn't stop the tears from hitting the rug
my Mom came "Do you want to talk about the day"?
I stared out the window I had nothing to say
"Don't you want to take off your coat, it's 11:30 you're not going anywhere"
still looking out the window nothing broke my stare
what I really wanted to do, was rewind the day to the mornings dew
pull it out of the closet and put on that white coat
before I ever felt the pain in this poem I wrote.
The City That Never Sleeps?
The city that never sleeps, they must be pretty tired,
bet they drink a lot of coffee and are totally wired.
I wonder what they do all night
probably a few bar fights
or maybe they choose to work the night shift
I hope it's not heavy machinery they lift!
They could do nothing special at all
thats what I do when insomnia calls
made a guitar out of a kleenex box
or think of new ways to fold my socks.
I'm sure they have more to do
though they may have done those things too.
Which city is it that never sleeps?
What city gets that title for keeps?
This poem really has no purpose at all
The other two I wrote were pretty deep.
I just thought I'd throw in this one
that unlike the other two, didn't weigh a ton.
bet they drink a lot of coffee and are totally wired.
I wonder what they do all night
probably a few bar fights
or maybe they choose to work the night shift
I hope it's not heavy machinery they lift!
They could do nothing special at all
thats what I do when insomnia calls
made a guitar out of a kleenex box
or think of new ways to fold my socks.
I'm sure they have more to do
though they may have done those things too.
Which city is it that never sleeps?
What city gets that title for keeps?
This poem really has no purpose at all
The other two I wrote were pretty deep.
I just thought I'd throw in this one
that unlike the other two, didn't weigh a ton.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Ding
ohhh wow! I just finished watching the movie "Say Anything...", and after sitting there wide eyed I seriously laughed for about 15 minutes because this is where Lloyd Dobbler came from!
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything for a career. I don't wanna sell anything bought or processed, I don't wanna buy anything sold or processed, and I don't want to process anything sold or bought, or processed, I don't want to repair anything sold bought or processed as a career."
"Kickboxing sport of the future"
"Why can't you just decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood?"
"Let's not put energy into something rediculous"--good advice dad
"I'm incarsarated Lloyd"
"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"--It all makes sense now!
Wow too funny! I love it!
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything for a career. I don't wanna sell anything bought or processed, I don't wanna buy anything sold or processed, and I don't want to process anything sold or bought, or processed, I don't want to repair anything sold bought or processed as a career."
"Kickboxing sport of the future"
"Why can't you just decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood?"
"Let's not put energy into something rediculous"--good advice dad
"I'm incarsarated Lloyd"
"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"--It all makes sense now!
Wow too funny! I love it!
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