So...I have never blogged before but I feel the need to today,(leyba called me a sell out today) and it got me thinking, I'm not a sell out, I'm a quitter. I give up way too easily. I think it's a safe to say that I've check out of high school, and I know I'm not the only one. But I feel that because of this state of mind ,I've already lost out on some really important things. So...my message for today...do it, don't question your self, there is no time for that. I learned that the hard way and it totally sucks. I say this only cause I might have missed out on something great, I hate going through it, I don't want to see anyone else do the same.
Ok, my Oprah rant is officially over, sorry I had to get it off my chest
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Jenn.. Exposed. (Incentive to read the blog)
This is something I put together after the birth of my son. For those of you who didn't know that I was pregnant. These are some of the moments I tried to capture during the adoption.
Dim lights surround a chaotic scence
My defining moments are staring down my back
Life is halted while trials are showcased
The meaning of life is starting to take shape.
Baking in the warmth of his small helpless body
His life is predestined and I am simply a messenger
Each breath of life screams obedience and trust in a higher power
He is my greatest accomplishment.
Yet my heart will always break for him
The lights calm and the setting surreal
The soft scents of newborn and formula swallow me whole
His soft whimper makes me understand.
I now realize that love has never meant anything.
Its a bit brighter now and we are hiding together.
Its safe and no one can find us
My family has taken shape
the 3 of us lay untouchable together.
I will take apart these moments and suffocate myself in them.
Desperate.
My body called to him in ways it felt unnatural to fight.
Sacrifice became real and goals became reachable.
While walking with the lord, he held me to his chest
the way I had held my son.
"I lived this" I scream.
Suddenly, my life has meaning like it never had before.
A level of selflessness is obtained
and I will take each blessing Ive earned.
Changing the lives of others is something worth living for.
My sons changed everyone who knew of him.
Embracing him, wanting him, needing him.
I simply lived for him
Now he is an example of what can be done in one person
to complete something bigger.
I have walked through heaven and now I am simply living.
I love him, I loved him, and he gave me back each day I sacrificed in one tiny breath.
This is personal but I hope people read this. CHOOSE LIFE.
Dim lights surround a chaotic scence
My defining moments are staring down my back
Life is halted while trials are showcased
The meaning of life is starting to take shape.
Baking in the warmth of his small helpless body
His life is predestined and I am simply a messenger
Each breath of life screams obedience and trust in a higher power
He is my greatest accomplishment.
Yet my heart will always break for him
The lights calm and the setting surreal
The soft scents of newborn and formula swallow me whole
His soft whimper makes me understand.
I now realize that love has never meant anything.
Its a bit brighter now and we are hiding together.
Its safe and no one can find us
My family has taken shape
the 3 of us lay untouchable together.
I will take apart these moments and suffocate myself in them.
Desperate.
My body called to him in ways it felt unnatural to fight.
Sacrifice became real and goals became reachable.
While walking with the lord, he held me to his chest
the way I had held my son.
"I lived this" I scream.
Suddenly, my life has meaning like it never had before.
A level of selflessness is obtained
and I will take each blessing Ive earned.
Changing the lives of others is something worth living for.
My sons changed everyone who knew of him.
Embracing him, wanting him, needing him.
I simply lived for him
Now he is an example of what can be done in one person
to complete something bigger.
I have walked through heaven and now I am simply living.
I love him, I loved him, and he gave me back each day I sacrificed in one tiny breath.
This is personal but I hope people read this. CHOOSE LIFE.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Friday, October 15, 2004
Sweet New Jersey
I walked down the dock filled with weathered green benches and dim light shining down from the lamp posts held high above my head. It's a cool night as the breeze brings smells of seaweed into my nostrals and the days leftover rain onto my head. Staring out at the Jersey shore the waves bring a sedated calm feeling that overcomes my whole body. I feel at ease like there are no troubles in my life. And then...it hits me. I look around and see all the calm small houses as my surroundings. I watch the waves crash over rocks ahead of me and focus on the sand beneath my feet. And then I break. I fall to my knees and begin to cry. All of my lost thoughts are suddenly flooding my head. And I think of you...and how perfect you are...how perfect we were. I wimper whispering the plans we had made together of the life I will never see. I sob and mourne for all the broken pieces that I will never put back together. Though you don't want to be put back together. You are content with your new enviornment, one that subtracts me from the equation. I slowly get up and start to walk towards the waves. I walk closer until the cold surge of water sweeps my feet away and I let the embrace of the waves take over my body. I drift and finally feel content. The cold water overcomes my body as I let it take hold and think to myself that this is how it should be. Sweet New Jersey I have set sail in you for good and let you save me. Now I become a drifter in you for always.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Two Memories
The cold claps at my arms and clings to my chest. It creeps down my lungs and strangles the warmth. They haven’t felt this kind of cold in ages.
__________
On the road a street lamp distributes light. Illuminating a kiss exchanged on the sidewalk. Two bodies held close bound by warmth. Mist from the cold, illuminated by the lamp adds an orange hue; a tint of reflection and memory.
__________
Black wool jacket, draping over a shrugged form. Feet gliding as fast as comfortable, bag bumping on the pacing leg. Each breath is a cloud of mist like a puff of smoke. Nose and Ears red from fighting off the elements. Taking another long breath, ignoring the cold, then letting it free. Just to watch the mist tumble and twist.
__________
On the road a street lamp distributes light. Illuminating a kiss exchanged on the sidewalk. Two bodies held close bound by warmth. Mist from the cold, illuminated by the lamp adds an orange hue; a tint of reflection and memory.
__________
Black wool jacket, draping over a shrugged form. Feet gliding as fast as comfortable, bag bumping on the pacing leg. Each breath is a cloud of mist like a puff of smoke. Nose and Ears red from fighting off the elements. Taking another long breath, ignoring the cold, then letting it free. Just to watch the mist tumble and twist.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Missed You
Hey Kids, missed you today --sniff sniff. How was the sub today? was she talking smack? I heard she made some unfriendly comments about Columbine.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
political party (all night)
so now its time to raise the question.
who gets the vote in the next election?
who's the man we want running our lives?
cuz to me the definition of a politian is someone who lies.
do we take the "warlord" or the "pacifist",
the changing policies or he who insists
that violence can cure a troubled world
as he smiles like a saint, teeth like pearls?
our brothers and sisters are fighting like slaves
while our founding fathers are turning in their graves.
but we'll kill them all by cutting the funds
just like the iraqis kill them off with their guns.
to me we need a man whos focus is a solution
while he keeps in mind our country's constitution.
we need someone who is conscious of air pollution
but knows the importance of our educational institutions.
i think its rather sad that you dont stand a chance
at being president unless youre a republican or democrat.
cuz maybe a change in the party will do us all some good.
no more donkeys or elephants, their goals are understood.
they fight too much, bring shame to one another.
we need someone who respects his disagreeing brother.
what we need is an independent, a green party debater.
but your vote goes to waste if you give it nader.
so what needs to be done, please make a note,
is a system where the independent gets an equal vote.
cuz i truly believe that equal opportunity
should be given to every political party.
who gets the vote in the next election?
who's the man we want running our lives?
cuz to me the definition of a politian is someone who lies.
do we take the "warlord" or the "pacifist",
the changing policies or he who insists
that violence can cure a troubled world
as he smiles like a saint, teeth like pearls?
our brothers and sisters are fighting like slaves
while our founding fathers are turning in their graves.
but we'll kill them all by cutting the funds
just like the iraqis kill them off with their guns.
to me we need a man whos focus is a solution
while he keeps in mind our country's constitution.
we need someone who is conscious of air pollution
but knows the importance of our educational institutions.
i think its rather sad that you dont stand a chance
at being president unless youre a republican or democrat.
cuz maybe a change in the party will do us all some good.
no more donkeys or elephants, their goals are understood.
they fight too much, bring shame to one another.
we need someone who respects his disagreeing brother.
what we need is an independent, a green party debater.
but your vote goes to waste if you give it nader.
so what needs to be done, please make a note,
is a system where the independent gets an equal vote.
cuz i truly believe that equal opportunity
should be given to every political party.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Radical Joshward
jOsh JoSh leave co0orazy blob bloG for leyba and few who read blog blog! <(0.o)>
JuMp juMP Tv (@>.<)--@ *POW
and the shOw go Poof* with a xangpop
triba1 dan$e <(*.*<)^(*.*)^<(*.*)>^(*.*)^(>*.*)>
trIba1 d@nce
$1@p desck
d0n3
e1 Fin
sincerely y0ur$,
radical joshward
(>-.-)>
JuMp juMP Tv (@>.<)--@ *POW
and the shOw go Poof* with a xangpop
triba1 dan$e <(*.*<)^(*.*)^<(*.*)>^(*.*)^(>*.*)>
trIba1 d@nce
$1@p desck
d0n3
e1 Fin
sincerely y0ur$,
radical joshward
(>-.-)>
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Alienation
Being different where they look the same in clothes and name
goes against the socialization in my public biased education
And now the different ones are so many that they too look the same
but they aren’t to blame cuz conformity tailgates originality so closely
that change is expected while style is forecasted and projected more than protected
And we all get aboard cuz the marginalized are strong but lonely
and we’d rather be weak than the Only
And I’ll take my outsiders in books bands and movies but not as my neighbors and homies I’ll stick with my phonies cuz when we stand side by side it’s like camouflage from choice
My brand name is the voice that I pay for full price
But I don’t mind watchin the ones called unique as they pave the path that I soon will call mine
goes against the socialization in my public biased education
And now the different ones are so many that they too look the same
but they aren’t to blame cuz conformity tailgates originality so closely
that change is expected while style is forecasted and projected more than protected
And we all get aboard cuz the marginalized are strong but lonely
and we’d rather be weak than the Only
And I’ll take my outsiders in books bands and movies but not as my neighbors and homies I’ll stick with my phonies cuz when we stand side by side it’s like camouflage from choice
My brand name is the voice that I pay for full price
But I don’t mind watchin the ones called unique as they pave the path that I soon will call mine
freestyle 1
i can now say that i'm free to be me.
but being that free takes responsibility.
no longer can i "borrow" fashion tips
from the kid with beard screaming laugh-out-loud quips.
to be that hip takes a careful eye
pulling apart pieces from this guy and that guy
and applying them to yourself, to make you unique.
and although the elements are you, this person you see
is me, being me, living happy, not tied down, but free.
i pledge myself to honesty, i am free, not you, but me.
but being that free takes responsibility.
no longer can i "borrow" fashion tips
from the kid with beard screaming laugh-out-loud quips.
to be that hip takes a careful eye
pulling apart pieces from this guy and that guy
and applying them to yourself, to make you unique.
and although the elements are you, this person you see
is me, being me, living happy, not tied down, but free.
i pledge myself to honesty, i am free, not you, but me.
Spittin Rhyme in Columbine
Dear Bloggers, (all four of us lately) how do you like the new look? Any thoughts on viewing def jam poets? I want some of you to think about writing and performing some poetry at the next talent show. I have this fantasy about having a poetry night in the auditorium and we all perform a piece or two. Am I dreaming? Gotta dream. I want our words to reach more than those of us in this room.
Monday, October 04, 2004
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Bad News for People Who Love Good News
Let's face it, a lot of indie rock bands are starting to appeal to the masses. Thanks to Spin Magazine and other media, a handful of bands that have stayed relatively unknown have released albums that have veered from their traditional sound and gained favor among an unlikely crowd. Take Good News for People Who Love Bad News, the latest from Modest Mouse. This album caught me off gaurd a little bit. It was really strange seeing the foursome release a music video on MTV, especially since the loyal Modest Mouse crowd saw the devistation to come. 'Float On' would make Modest Mouse a one-hit wonder. Its sad to see a band labeled that for a song that sounds nothing like past Modest Mouse music. Ben Gibbard also pulled some media magic in his release of Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism, as well as Give Up by the Postal Service. Gibbard has been pouring his heart out for years with his sharp words and complete sentences in Death Cab's past releases, incuding We've Got the Facts and We're Voting Yes and the Photo Album, to name a couple. These Barsuk Records releases have been adored by fans for years, while the band was able to avoid publicly exploding. Now-a-days, a Death Cab for Cutie Transatlanticism T-shirt can be purchased at the local Hot Topic for the great price of $19.99. At least Gibbard and the boys are making a little more income.
There are some indie musicians who have rised in popularity but have avoided selling out completely. Take Saddle Creek's Bright Eyes. With the release of LIFTED, or The Story's in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground, the longest record title ever, many people were turned on to the band. I'll be the first to admit that I heard Bright Eyes after the 2002 release of LIFTED. But the Bright Eyes crowd has remained relatively indie. There hasn't been to much selling out, and the music video for "Lover I Don't Have to Love" didn't cause a big "Float On" style riot. Bright Eyes is, however, gaining a rise in popularity. And sadly enough, I must say that some are soley turned on by singer/songwriter Conor Oberst's looks. I've seen it myself when I was told to turn off "the worst band ever" only to have the girl say three months later that she loved Bright Eyes because of Conor Oberst.
But why can't the indie scene stay indie? It seems we're dropping the indie, which commonly means 'independent', from indie rock bands quite often now. As an indie rock fan, my wish would be that the bands could stay underground, make money, and not appeal to everyone. I would be perfectly happy if groups could stick to the Built to Spill pattern. Built to Spill, who is signed by Warner Brother Records, has stayed under wraps for years now, but makes enough money to constantly tour and keep singer Doug Marst from getting a day job. The same proves true for Pedro the Lion, Jets to Brazil, the entire Jade Tree line up, and countless others in the indie scene. So next time you're looking for a good CD, stick to your own tastes and not what Spin tells you.
There are some indie musicians who have rised in popularity but have avoided selling out completely. Take Saddle Creek's Bright Eyes. With the release of LIFTED, or The Story's in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground, the longest record title ever, many people were turned on to the band. I'll be the first to admit that I heard Bright Eyes after the 2002 release of LIFTED. But the Bright Eyes crowd has remained relatively indie. There hasn't been to much selling out, and the music video for "Lover I Don't Have to Love" didn't cause a big "Float On" style riot. Bright Eyes is, however, gaining a rise in popularity. And sadly enough, I must say that some are soley turned on by singer/songwriter Conor Oberst's looks. I've seen it myself when I was told to turn off "the worst band ever" only to have the girl say three months later that she loved Bright Eyes because of Conor Oberst.
But why can't the indie scene stay indie? It seems we're dropping the indie, which commonly means 'independent', from indie rock bands quite often now. As an indie rock fan, my wish would be that the bands could stay underground, make money, and not appeal to everyone. I would be perfectly happy if groups could stick to the Built to Spill pattern. Built to Spill, who is signed by Warner Brother Records, has stayed under wraps for years now, but makes enough money to constantly tour and keep singer Doug Marst from getting a day job. The same proves true for Pedro the Lion, Jets to Brazil, the entire Jade Tree line up, and countless others in the indie scene. So next time you're looking for a good CD, stick to your own tastes and not what Spin tells you.
The inside of my head. Today at least.
Yet another one of lifes trials upon my doorstep.
I think i must be on the top of God;s priority list and that he is teaching me a thing or to about faith. Faith in his plan for all our lives. It was so hard for me to buy into any of that.. For a long time and now I am a testimony. So my days have been weak lately... truly i am being held hostage in my own home. I guess i just feel disconnected which isnt a really uncommon feeling. My heart seems to beat a little bit faster when the topics of college, future and graduation cross my mind. I think im just worried that I have no control and these things will slip right over my head. I think quite honestly that i have had it easy for awhile. My life didnt seem as tragic as everyone made it out to be. And i liked that i felt strong enough to handle everything that was laid upon me. However, in a moment it was out of my control. I have to wonder if everyone gets a really big taste of life at some point to ensure its realness. And if thats true than here i am in the midst of mine.
I think the greatest memories I have from post senior year are mostly jsut being free. Freedom is the greatest secret to high school. Its almost like were old enough to know how to start having fun but young enough that we dont have to take any responsibility for all the stupid crap we come up with. Being in the car on cold nights and having no where to drive to, listening to the same song over and over agian at 3:38 in the morning because you cant get enough, and waking up from a night that should have never ended. These moments are what highschool is about. What we dont realize is that by not protecting ourselves these nights disapear.
One of the best nights I can remeber was as stupid as a night at my friend Laras'. Summer before last me and my close group of 6 met up at her house for our usual nights of thinking of something really fun to do. The night ended with the six of us lined up on the 7th or 8th hole of the golf course that connects with Laras backyard up in Willow springs, with a big blanket. My friend Josh and I had every intent on making everyone sleep there. We ended up here after a good 3 hours of riding around on golf carts and crashing lara's moms golf cart into a fence. I remeber laying there on the grass with Josh on my left and Lara and mark somewhere near my head and thinking I might actually fall asleep out there. Mid thought.. The freaking sprinklers turned on and there was about 50 feet between us and Lara's back yard. It was such a simple night but for some reason i dont think i will ever forget it.
I wish i thought this blog had any real meaning.. I just thought i would pick my brain with all of you.
I think i must be on the top of God;s priority list and that he is teaching me a thing or to about faith. Faith in his plan for all our lives. It was so hard for me to buy into any of that.. For a long time and now I am a testimony. So my days have been weak lately... truly i am being held hostage in my own home. I guess i just feel disconnected which isnt a really uncommon feeling. My heart seems to beat a little bit faster when the topics of college, future and graduation cross my mind. I think im just worried that I have no control and these things will slip right over my head. I think quite honestly that i have had it easy for awhile. My life didnt seem as tragic as everyone made it out to be. And i liked that i felt strong enough to handle everything that was laid upon me. However, in a moment it was out of my control. I have to wonder if everyone gets a really big taste of life at some point to ensure its realness. And if thats true than here i am in the midst of mine.
I think the greatest memories I have from post senior year are mostly jsut being free. Freedom is the greatest secret to high school. Its almost like were old enough to know how to start having fun but young enough that we dont have to take any responsibility for all the stupid crap we come up with. Being in the car on cold nights and having no where to drive to, listening to the same song over and over agian at 3:38 in the morning because you cant get enough, and waking up from a night that should have never ended. These moments are what highschool is about. What we dont realize is that by not protecting ourselves these nights disapear.
One of the best nights I can remeber was as stupid as a night at my friend Laras'. Summer before last me and my close group of 6 met up at her house for our usual nights of thinking of something really fun to do. The night ended with the six of us lined up on the 7th or 8th hole of the golf course that connects with Laras backyard up in Willow springs, with a big blanket. My friend Josh and I had every intent on making everyone sleep there. We ended up here after a good 3 hours of riding around on golf carts and crashing lara's moms golf cart into a fence. I remeber laying there on the grass with Josh on my left and Lara and mark somewhere near my head and thinking I might actually fall asleep out there. Mid thought.. The freaking sprinklers turned on and there was about 50 feet between us and Lara's back yard. It was such a simple night but for some reason i dont think i will ever forget it.
I wish i thought this blog had any real meaning.. I just thought i would pick my brain with all of you.
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