His angel

Her mistake was asking too many questions. "Why does mommy cry?" "Why is brother's eye purple today?" "Why can't I have any friends over to play?" She was daddy's little angel, she reminded him of his sister, he'd never hurt her. So when daddy said "Go to your room angel, the grown-ups are going to watch a scary movie," she'd go and play with her dolls, happy she didn't have to watch the monsters on tv. Daddy was her hero, he'd take her to the park and push her on the swings and even though everybody says she was too young to remember, she does remember the way he used to throw her in the air when she was a baby and make her laugh and sing her to sleep. That's why nobody expected it. Nobody expected to wake up that Sunday morning in July to find all the lights out in the house, christmas carols (especially ones about angels) playing, and the mother and little boy asleep on the couch downstairs...and the little girl with her daddy...dead (in the girl's red and yellow ladybug and heart decorated) room upstairs. Nobody understood it. In her daddy's hand was a note: This is my angel. She was too good for this world so I took her out of it. She said "Daddy, I'll talk to God for you, he'll let you in."

teardrops

i'm not his shooting star
i'm not his to hold
i'm not his to call his own
i'm nothing compared to her
i'm not the one he's in love with
i'm not the one he thinks about
i'm not his modavation
i'm everything that he never wanted
i'm not his perfect smile
i cant be anything to him anymore

he's the reason for my tears
he's why i cant sleep at night
he's the one that i wanted
he's the sad song on repeat
he's the reason i hate love
he's all i think about
the only reason i keep wishing

she is his now
she is so lucky
she better not break his heart
she better hold him tight
and look in those beautiful eyes

he's the reason for the teardrops
the reason the sad song is always on repeat
maybe ill get some sleep tonight
i put his picture down

he's the one that caused this heart break.
i fake a smile so he wont see

some(one) new

i chose to walk into the unknown
i wanna see things i haven't been shown
away from the drone and the old tone
i wanna be challenged
i wanna have to work at it
not smirk when he says "that irks me"
i love having to try
and a bove all...
i'm new to him and so that means...
well, he appreciates me
he can see
how good i try to be
he tries to be rough (around the edges)
but one look is enough (these biggy blue eyes get him good)
he can't be a tough guy
around me he knows he can fly
shoot, he's cute
and i like him a lot
for now that's all i got

Big Red I'm sorry about what I said, but here's another rhyme about the class with the man and end rhyme so sublime. I sit and as I spit into the mic, I wonder what Levi would do when he knew he used to. I should be studying but I cant stop thinking about the sweet Soliloquies that were the bees-nees. Wishing and hoping for another door to open, into the decorated walls that comprise those halls. Needing more on that floor, in front of judgemental owl eyes that don't dispise. With the mic that I control, leaving everyone frozen like the north pole in my control. All of my troubles realesed to the world to catalyst thought, like the debate in class about pot. Leaving the lyrics surviving in reminisance, allways in the distance, but never really vanishing form existance. -Rabbit-aka-cookiegobbla-

Dear Sir,

Dear Sir,

usually with a heading like that you're telling someone they're dead, but no it's alive in my head. Everyday I hear myself say I'm going to do something meaningful in some way. When I first heard those prompts I didn't know what to do I felt like a foo(l). But then my writing started to spew,Thanks to you.

Being new is tough stuff it's really rough. The best thing that could have happened to me was being in this class, it was a blast and I wish it could last. But it's about to close which really blows where will my writing be left to flow? It could just go. Rdg Analytical sounds like Creative Writings' foe. I'll have to use my free time to make my ryhmes but they will be just like a mime stuck inside a box with locks under rocks. No longer for a grade will they fade?

Not only did you give my words aid but you let me know even when I go, you will still care which has been rare. You've done more for me than you probably know. You've allowed me to feel emotions so real and created for me a way to deal with them not only have you filled my words' blanks you saved me from an emotional tank for everything you've done, Thanks.

So Thanks for everything you've let me know, and as it's almost time to go I'll keep a special space, it's own place, I'll even make a base and I'll put it higher than the one's of the first friend I made here, or the first time I went to lunch with my now usual bunch the memory of the one who made writing fun but who also took away my fears and who I got more from than all my peers. My biggest influence from the year. I want to state it again so it's not a blur,

Thanks for everything Sir.

First Love

Though time and time again I feel alone
I will choose to be free
I will no longer let you tie me down
Your memories haunt me
You were the first person I trusted outside of my family
You were the first person who I knowingly hurt
Yet you have moved on happily
You even got married
Yet I fear even a date
I thought you were my forever
Then you changed
I sent you away
I prayed you would come back
Now here I sit at this desk writing a piece I know you will never recieve
I am writing to free myself from you
It hurts to say goodbye
But I have come to understand that you must say goodbye even when it hurts
So I will say it now
Goodbye my first love
I pray you aren't my last
But I pray that forever we will remember each other

To my first love.

(this is kind of jumbled but I just kinda threw it out there)

You Pick

you should have known me before we met. before my life became exciting. before you gave me a reason to stick around and find out more about this life i was so eager to leave.
you you you.
you've woken me fromt he trance i've been in for so long. you don't even know what i've been through but you don't care. every word you let escape from your mouth, each look that pierces like an arrow shooting from your eye, it gives me life, gives me feeling again, real feeling. not fake, overexicting,bubbliness but gut punching toe tingling, buzzing feeling. a good feeling. i don't think you realize what you've done.
i want to be around you always. i don't want this sensation to go away. but i must keep my distance.
i might get annoyting
you might grow weary of my anxious face.
the more i want to grow closer, the more you seem to push away.
that's how it always tends to be and then i'm left to be alone with only me.
but it's gonna be different this time i've promised myself it will.
i've made too many mistakes before.
Too many of the typical you walk out the door.

I Am

I am the stained clothes at the bottom of the drawer
I am the old toy you don't use anymore
I am the magazine at the bottom of the stack
I am the ragged towel that will never grace the rack
I am your baseball when football season is on
I am the long grass when the snow holds the dawn
I am the tile under the new kitchen floor
I am the rug that stays at the back door
I am the first cell phone you ever got
I am the apple core left in your room to rot
I am the scunci that used to reside in your hair
I am the pink elephant you won at the fair
I am the picture you let fade
I am your notebook from 2nd grade
I am everything neglected
I am everything ignored
I am everything you visit only when extremely bored

As I read my memoir...

Hold back your tears
Don't let them see your fear
Why can't I find my breath
Sweet heavens my heart hurts
Breathing is so difficult
I read this over and over to defeat the tears
I knew this would be difficult but what else could I have written
How my father is never there
How I learned not to jump on the bed
How my mom is my hero
They are topics about me but they aren't me holding his hand and feeling the last beat of his pulse
They aren't about the man I loved more then anything
Heavens stop these tears from falling
How many others suffered like me
How many others know my pain
Grandpa are you here with me
This memoir to you does not justify how great you were and still are to me
My memories are haunting me again
Heh, those puppies I just pushed them together on Sunday Grandpa
But its not the same without you
This time I fought back tears
I didn't laugh
Grandpa I need you
I have forgotten how to laugh
Grandpa I am crying...you always told me to smile
Grandpa this memoir I read to this class is helping me heal
Yet healing is painful
Every time I try to hide from this healing truth I run farther from happiness
Heavens, why do these tears fall
My strength is faltering
I'm almost at the end
Thank the heavens
Maybe now I can smile at the world
Maybe now I can be strong enough
Strong enough to be free of this memories haunting ghost
Maybse now I can smile as I tell my Grandpa goodbye
Maybe now I can look out at my peers as I read my memoir.

Grandpa, Grandma I love you now and forever. Goodbye.

Keeping up with the Joneses

"why, oh why...how did it happen?"
A mother sits on a couch across from a man, a strange man from the detective agency. The morning began with a phone call and a question, "Mrs. Jones, could I come over? There's something I wish I didn't have to tell you." So she, Mrs. Adrian M. Jones, fixed breakfast and waited for this stranger to come to her home and tell her that her daughter had been the victim of a mass rapist/murderer. She cries and cries, hoping, wishing it was a lie. Sometimes Sam didn't come home at night, but a friend always brought her home in the morning. Sam was a beautiful girl, 5'6 with wavy chestnut hair. Her blue eyes laughed at the world and everybody said she had her mother's figure and her smile - a compliment she never fully understood because she never knew her mother was a model.
A woman sits in bed and weeps. Her baby gone, her husband, as far as she knows, dead somewhere overseas, she forgets everything. She forgets to eat or drink or how to move. She forgets her name and what she looks like and what season it is.
That same man from the detective agency visits the home of the Joneses for the second time, to see another dead Jones woman. Her cheeks are hollow, her hair matted, her body emaciated. He'll bury her next to her daughter and the world'll have to find another Joneses to keep up with.

Don't move past this~

The moment it falls off your lips you feel the silence, shadowing your heart
At a glance you see the smile
An embrace that seems to last an eternity
Love? Is this real? Please say yes.
The step together never missed
The perfect beat always there
A proclamation, A realization
Life? Will this end? Please say no, don’t let me move past this
I belong, the world seems right
A sensation so warm
I belong, life can never fail
Light? Can happiness truly be found? Please answer honestly
A spring of freedom
A glimpse of bliss
A home for sanctuary
Fear? Can you be conquered? Will I be allowed to never move past this?

To the ones who would decide my future for me...

You want something different;
Unique
Well here it lies on your desk;
Discarded
Red, Black, Silver echoing around as slowly I choose the topic of my piece
Drifting through an empty space
Knowledge seems to fail me
I am one with who I am
I am torn from who I want to be
Choices flow through my mind
Torn between my passion and reality
How will I choose to make my mark?
Through strong business my reality lies
Through beats un-real does my passion lay
Appraised I seem un-worthy
Watched I seem perfect
Trials hide what could have been;
Perfection
You see a score
I see determination attempted
You see imperfection I see trials improving;
Me
You guide upon wishes which help me naught
I stray upon wishes which show me the way
I am different
I am the same
Happy as this time may seem
My truth is shattered by loss
In reality and mind
A loss of life
A loss of sanctuary
In this time my perseverance seems lost;
Wasted
Places that would push me to succeed turn away
You see a score
I see a need of true teaching
You see a number
I see a human
I see an individual fore-going the old routine
You wanted something different
Here it is lying on your desk;
Unique.

thank you

im free
there is
a God

A Love Poem?

Whenever I'm around you,
whenever our eyes meet,
my palms clam up my neck sweats
and my heart skips a beat.
My mind fills up with thoughts
wonderful thoughts about you.
And I'm thinking maybe, just maybe
you may have these thoughts too.
I think about us together, such perfection you'd create
I fell for you completely,
just like a fish to bait.
Companionship is an obstacle,
a trying difficult maze
but all that's meant for me to have,
is you only through my gaze.

Journals of the 48 hour flu

Friday December 1st, 2006
It was a great school day but the weekend is here!
And the next school week is all too near.
I really want to have some fun
but leave plenty of time to get my homework done.
Because I really do have a lot to do,
english memoir, psyc packet and my sketchbook too.
But we are going to go bowling tonight.
I beat them so bad it wasn't even right.
Now it's time to go home and I'm not too sad
because that headache I had, is now pretty bad.
We're at my house time to end my ride,
so I can get out and go inside
take some asprin and go to bed.

Saturday December 2, 2006 (It Begins)
4:30 a.m oh my gosh it's freezing,
and the feeling in my stomach is far from pleasing.
I'm so thirsty I want something to drink.
I'll do anything to leave this ice rink.
I drink a whole glass and then go back to sleep
but long enough to go into deep (sleep)
I'm up again at 5:22
This time it's clear I have a fever too.
Oh great I must be sick.
Then there's no question I run out quick.
Oh that hurt my throat burns
I want to lay down as my stomach churns
but I got to change my clothes first
keeping them on would be the worst.
I'll go through this cycle six more times
so I won't make six individual ryhmes.

It's 8 o clock now maybe I'll see
if I can get some white soda without paying a physical fee.
o.k. I'll try, big mistake
I'm so lightheaded I almost tanked.
No I'll just lay back down
and wait for someone to come around.
I call my Mom for some T.L.C.
I'm distracted by commotion over the Christmas tree.
oh wow I'm more tired than I thought
I feel like my whole body has begun to rot.

Sunday December 3rd, 2006
Oh wow it's eleven o' clock
I slept a lot better than I thought
wow I'm hungry this is new
I'm also pretty thirsty too.
Real food today, not just soup?
Maybe I can even get out of my coop,
and now I'm starting to freak out.
For all that homework I forgot about
No, I'm told I still need to rest,
that I'm not yet back to my best.
o.k. I finally give in and say
so I layed in bed and watched Roseanne all day.
Now that I think about it my body aches.
And I still have those cold shakes.
I'm hungry, but I still feel gross
so all that's brought to me is dry toast.
There's good news if I take this o.k.
I can have a broth cube today!
Yeah that's not too exciting,
maybe I'll do some writing.
SO this poem came out and I thought I'd post.
I hope you didn't think it was gross.

another mess to clean

i am a fool.
how in hell did i think ,
think that there could ever,
ever be something.
i was lost,
lost in your spell.
you are only my worst enemy,
but i am so mezmerized,
by your actions,
and thoses eyes.
i need to dodge your bullets.
you are killing me.
my heart is shreading right before your eyes.
but you will never know.
because i am never opening my mouth.
never hinting and a slight thing.
never going to tell you.
how stupid could i be,
stupid enough to be trapped
trapped in your web.
too late, im caging my feelings.
the worse part is
that ill regret every moment
i spend with you or with out you
and you not knowing who i
really am and what im all about
im taking my love
your going to break my heart anyway
im hitting the road.
i have gotta clean up this mess
the mess i only knew i would have to clean up.
im just wasting my time.

My Rubberbands

The rubberbands on my wrist are to make me a better person,
I want to stop this now before it can worsen.
They're not for accessory or to start a new trend.
I'm just trying to get my bad habit to mend.
I'll put another one on each time I slip,
until I finally get my habit to flip.
Today I finished with quite a few,
out of my mouth they really flew.
It's not like I say them to try to be cool,
but sometimes they're used as societys' fuel.
Some are not too bad, some more severe.
Each time I say one I almost shed a tear,
because that means one more rubberband.
Another one pulls over my hand.
That proves I need to make this habit right,
before my hair turns gray or white.
But it's hard to stop something you've done for a while,
I would much rather run the mile.
But the rubberbands remind me that it can be done.
When it's all done I'll see the sun.
I don't have to use them to get my point out.
I'll force myself to take a different route.
But sometimes I feel like I'll never be done.
I want to look down and see less than one.
So, I put my hand in my pocket on my prayer token,
and thats when I'm certain this habit can be broken.
I don't want to say them anymore, that's how I want to be.
Rubberbands are the plan. So I guess we'll see

it's over

not cut out for this
won't be back
don't know what that guy wants
got muscle got
fame
serious ricks yet
still wants outta the game
learn how to protect
he wants you
end of the line doing it
for him
who would you call
i'm brutal and
picky
i'll get back at him for
you need this apron
be my slave for a while
my goal to bring you back together:feeding
the hungry ghost
so many terrors
got an arguing door never
wants to close.
i was just wondering
how long these cravings
are planning to last.
this monkey business could tear us apart
sorry but
you're not the baby no more
shave off our time scrape
by scrape
i'll pretend to be hopeful but
give it a few weeks
tops.
pray it works out. but
no secret its out
this is the last stand.

ready set go

pop pop, drop and stop. shake and try not to break, make it and fake it and take it to the top. bounce, bop, bam bam baby, slam it and....and....damn it! fall to the floor and then pick it up to soar and roar above the crowd that's way too loud. shine, it's your time, stop being a mime, take it, say "it's mine." don't worry and don't be scared just come prepared to talk one talk and walk a walk because that's what we people do, we don't wanna be new. scream and dream and even when it may seem that you're lost and cris-crossed, find your cost and be sold without being told you have to be bold. try to love and rise above a cold cold world, with your fingers curled into a tight white fist you've never missed but....oops, now your head droops and you make loops in your hair it's not fair why do all the people stare? hey hey pretty girl, your eyes are like a swirl, a twirl of yellow and green and blue they're so new and the boys'll take their cue and fall in love with you. now end it, send it, i won't to mend it or defend it, it's over and done with and all i am is a myth

To Whom it Concerns

To whom it concerns,

Let me see where should I begin,
to make me feel like accepting me would be a win?
If you looked at my grades, you probably shuddered,
they wern't always as smooth as butter.
This last one was good though, see?
Four A's and only one B.
And my A.C.T. scores you wonder?
That was a slight blunder.
But the problem I have,
more than half of that test is science and math.
And well you see
I excel in English and History.
And History wasn't even on the test,
so I couldn't show you my absolute best.
It's just equations, numbers, and formulas all get lost in my head,
but I could make a top 100 list of the books I've read.
What is it you want more?
I could tell you the start through end of any American war.
There's got to be more good, let's see
I won my 3rd through 7th grade spelling bees.
So you see I dont really sound that bad.
If you don't accept me, I'd be pretty sad.
Imagine what you'd do to my confidence,
collapse it like an old wooden fence.
Oh there's one more thing I forgot to share
and I just want to be totally fair,
see I have no idea what to do next year
but that's not a problem so have no fear.
I have quite a few future plans I could go for
and as soon as I'm able to pick one I will soar.
As you can see college would be for the better,
so when should I be expecting that acceptance letter?

"I'm Home"

Her death seemed unreal
Her smile was gone
She told me to never leave her and suddenly she never came back
Sweet laughter haunts my sleep as I tell myself that I could have stopped it
Her love is gone
God, why did I fail her
She was always there for me and I betrayed her
Why can't this be just a dream
Her jokes, her smiles, her tears fill my mind every day
I was her death
I fought she cared for my wounds
I cried she wiped away my tears
I smiled she smiled
She laughed she lit up my world
She was and is my best friend
I wish this was a scary joke
I wish she would come through the door and say 'I'm home' once again.

Written after a nightmare woke me up for a friend who is still alive.

~reikan~

It's been awhile but here's a random attempt....

Why does it hurt so bad
You never really knew me
Yet all along there were words I never could say
I tried but always failed
The words seemed false when they came to light
I tried to help so much that your fears became mine
And yet now you are walking away
and now all I can say is I'll miss you and please remember me.

Coward

Maybe ill gain enough courage to tell you with in the next twenty four hours. I need you to understand the way I am feeling about this. This meaning all my feelings. Because I dont know what you are feeling. So Im telling you. Maybe you will figure it out. But part of me wants you to know nothing about this. But heres the cold hard truth. I like you. No one would expect it. Weird I know. Maybe you will take it all in and understand why I feel the way I feel. I know im worth it.

Message In A Bottle

My message in a bottle, is for only you to see,
to understand to figure out what is my destiny.
What am I supposed to be,
and just what is it that makes up me?
I don't know what to do next year
and that I won't figure it out is my biggest fear.
"It will come to you" is all I hear.
But how can I just wait for a decision so large?
I'm supposed to be the one in charge.
Everyone else knows what they will do,
so why can't I figure it out too?
I'd like to think it's because there is more to me,
and you don't get just what you see.
But I really feel surrounded by the best
and that I just don't measure up to all the rest.
This year has proved to be quite the test.
I don't like this feeling, I just want to know
where exactly my life is going to go.
But I still don't so what I'm going to do,
is put my message in a bottle for you.

First Move

I wish I could tell the whole world.
Shout from every roof top.
Let the people of earth know my secret.
The one I keep tucked away inside of me.
The type of secret you only tell your best friend, but somehow everyone esle knows.
But secretly you dont care because you wanted people to know.
The difference between this secret and others, is that mine could kill me.
If I get it off my chest, good thing I have this bullet proof vest.
This secret that so many know, but so little would approve, is screaming, its going to rebel and make its way out of my body somehow.
There is no way in the entire world I'll let him know.
Because I know he expects nothing, or doesnt even sence it at all.
Everyone would hate me, they would all disapprove.
But I sure do like him, but how do I make my move?

Exhaustion

I've given all I have, and yet you people want more. More emotion, more thought, more truth. I swear, I've outdone myself but it's like a mad footrace to see who can do more. I've exhausted my vocabulary, searching for words to say something new; I feel like I lost this game I set out knowing I would surely win. Honestly, I've tried so hard and I've gone so far and told so much but I feel defeated, broken down, and beaten by this world. The demands, the expectations, give me more or you'll fall just like all the others who tried to step up, the ones who scored a few times but peaked at a young age and now nobody knows their names. I want my name known...

Anything Left

love has lost its mystery.

pain has lost its agony.

food has lost its flavor.

color has lost its appealing nature.

laughter has lost its energy.

competing has lost its thrill.

conversation has lost its trust.

home has lost its whereabouts.

this girl has lost herself.

Tell me: Truth.

I dont know much.
Much about anything.
What I do know is this:
My heart screams out your name.
You make your way into my thoughts.
And in my dreams.
My pen seems to spit our your name.
I have an urge to confess my sins to you.
I cant hide theses feelings much longer.
They are going to blow up inside of me.
I have to tell you the truth.
It will only get harder the more I know.
But you will reject me.
I can feel it.
I'm not your type.
You are way out in left field,
While I warm up the bench.
But I wish you would take me away.
And show me where your heart is some day.
I have hope.
I can wish.
I wonder.
But,
If anyone can make it,
I'm betting on me and you.

i am.

i am the compass…leading the way
i am your trailer hitch…hooked on you
i am the bedroom fan...delivering fresh air
i am your mail…open me
i am your baseball cap…never leave with out it
i am your saxophone…like music to your ears
i am the curfew that brings you home
i am your cell phone…dialed into you
i am the candle on the birthday cake…the one you can’t blow out
i am the e-break…stopping everything

Poetry; The tireless construction

An open window,
an open door,
a place where no one says no more.
But it's not quite as easy as it seems,
to make your ends justify the means.
I sit in the room all by myself,
with my notebook below me my greatest wealth.
If I could just get this poem out of my head,
I would be satisfied, then I could go to bed.
But I stare at the page because I don't know what to write
so I scribble in the margin, until a new word comes into sight.
I make a mental list, do these two ryhme?
Yes! It's perfect, it worked this time.
I look at the page, there's more black than white,
so I go toward the wall to turn off the light.
But no I'm not done, it's not time yet.
I will not sleep until this poem is set.
As as I sit there waiting for inspiration to hit,
I find myself wanting to throw a fit.
Because I'm stuck, I can't think I'm at a block.
All I can focus on is the wall's noise, tick tock,
because I can't quite get the words on the page,
they are stuck inside of me in a locked cage.
Then the haze clears and I can finally see,
my poem can be anything I want it to be.
Maybe light as a feather,
or tough as leather.
It's all mine, I can do whatever.
But I'm going to stop writing and take my bow,
read it, don't, like it ,love it anything, it's yours now.

Psychoactive Substance

As he sits in the empty kitchen
waiting and wishing for someone-anyone to be pitchen,
he craves the euphoric effects
thinking about what it would be like inhaling the vaporized morphine
without the wax, lipids, and latex componets,
and only getting pure contaminants.
The poppy seed and codine takes over his thoughts,
he is a slave and his master resides in pots.
The sedative sweeps over him with thickly-veiled addiction and withdrawls,
and now Coldridge's unfinished Kubla Khan calls.
Is this a nation of hallucination?
Or is the CSA in control,
keeping the world from becoming a narcotic black hole?
Numbness of the percaset and vicadine,
as the herion pulses through his viens.
He doesn't want to face his pains
even contemplating blowing out his brains.
The existance is becoming distant.
Gasping for breath in the wading velvet sea,
now having to give the devil a plea.
Antiphsychotics, stimulants, and depressants...What is your poison?
The bright sky clouded with a haze of smoke and coke
brings him back to existance.
Coming down not wanting to face the fact,
doing anything to retract.
As he snorts the shakes come back,
hitting the floor...
closing the casket and no longer craving more.

Definition of love? Self Love.

I've never been more happy, now that I'm with you,
you make me smile with the very slightest thing you do.
I remember the day we met to the slightest detail,
even your stupid green shirt: "I'm over it let's bail".
You're the only guy thats given me just one butterfly,
and you're the only guy under fifty that can pull off a flower tie.
I even like all the stupid things you do,
that get laughed at endlessly, by the rest of our crew.
I want to tell you, I want to say it so bad.
But with everyone else our age, those words are just a fad.
I've never had such feelings before
but they are so real, straight from the core.
Hmm i wonder is it time for the "L" word?
My Mom says of course not "That's Absurd"!
But I will tell you anyway because that's how I feel.
From deep down inside of me, these feelings are so real.
You were the first Valentine I ever had.
I didn't think you could ever make me sad.
So then I said it "I love you".
And you told me back I don't think I love you too.
Then you said I'm sorry I think it's over.
I couldn't believe it, I thought are you sober?
You said come on we were better off as friends,
and that's how my "perfection" came to an end.
All I wished for right then was a magic wand
so I could say "poof" and fix our bond.
But there was no repair we really were done.
And the we i had known suddenly became one.
I must thank you now, that was quite the test.
And you set the bar high for all the rest.
I'm happy now I hope you can see.
And it's not with you it's just with me.
Because before you can love anyone else,
You must first truly love yourself.

woot-woot

YEAH!!!! I'm finally on the blog! I couldn't believe it until i saw my writing on there...and it only took me what a month and a half. Oh well ya gotta be known for something!

--We call everyone Sir in Illinois--

Hospital Waiting room

The blue walls, the stiff smell, the squeak of feet. You sit there with your mind on everything else but the present. You're lost in your mental scrapbook. Remember the time... remember when... You get the news but it seems impossible to refer to the person in the past tense because moments ago they were "here". You can't look anyone directly in the face, you are so inside yourself you can't some out. Tears fill your eyes and you can't breathe. It's over and you know it. There's nothing you can do. You look at the people celebrating in the next one with mint green walls, no stiff smell, no squeak of feet to distract you from the good news the Doctor came in and told them. They hug and look at each other, they got another chance, a new beginning. They are happy. Days ago a baby was born in this room, the news filled the air, the cry. Now today a different cry. Pain, an ending, a moment, and all in a hospital waiting room.

Hey, ___:

You smile, I smile...it's a domino effect. When you laugh - you have one of those laughs that makes me happy cuz it's so goofy and contagious - I have to at least giggle. You're funny, you're kind, you're easy-going. But I don't know you that well, just the school you. I wonder what you're like outside of this building. I wonder how you treat your friends, your enemies, your siblings. I've only been alone with you once, for a few minutes, and I found myself wondering what to say, wanting to make you laugh so I could laugh and the tension would break. I catch myself looking at you just wondering what you think about, cuz there's got to be more to you than the person I see in class...what makes you tick? When you talk I wanna listen, what you write I wanna read. Too bad you're totally and completely out of my reach, way out of my league.....?

Lance Anti Doping

I love this spot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIl5RxhLZ5U

Lance crash

Lance Armstrong Crash
Lance got tangled up on a musette (food bag) that a spectator was holding. He then came back to win the Stage! What a Monster! He's awesome.
Click for the Video

Awesome highlight reel here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QjYx6drVaA

Just Another Face

I don't know how to begin this. Not with Dear, not with Hello, we have moved pass that. You cannot start a letter with Dear, its too formal, you are not breaking someones heart, you are not sending them a Dear John letter, you are smiply "gettting together" with them. You are having a cup of coffee with them. You think you can hear their voice when you are reading the letter out loud. But when I wrote this letter to you it wasnt my voice that was saying the words, it was mearly helping my heart along the , rather a support.

I do not have many questions for you, nor do I wish to know the answers to my questions. I want to spill my heart out for you. Its my writing that does the talking. I am too much of a chicken to say something to you, something that isnt funny or that isnt making fun of someone, or that isnt stupid, or even making fun of you. I laugh at your jokes, even when they arent funny, and i laugh when you make fun of someone. Maybe you notice me, maybe you dont. So I spill my heart out on paper, just to let you know how I truly feel.

For some odd reason I am drawn to you. I feel connected to you in an awkward sort of way. I cant control it. Its a feeling that I have. I am not going to say sorry, because that would be like telling you that I cant be real. But real is what this is, a feeling, a slight emotion. But I am crushed, crushed by the fact that ill never be in that picture, the picture of your future. Ill just be another memory, or worse just another face in our senior yearbook.

Reasons to Ask Leyba to Prom

It isn't too early to start planning
Pros
ü Leyba is old school/retro and that is so hot right now
ü Leyba knows what all the silverware is for at the restaurant
ü Leyba is taller than the freshman you were gonna ask
ü Leyba has no cerfew
ü Leyba is trusted by parents
ü One word—mad booty dance skills
ü Can you say “heads turned?”
ü Leyba isn’t sweaty
ü No awkward silences with Leyba
ü No post-prom stalking
ü No weird middle of the prom fights
ü Everyone wants to be in his group
ü Won’t constantly check his phone
ü You can wear mongo heels
ü You can dance with other people’s dates
ü Leyba’s mom won’t take 100 pictures

Cons
Ø My wife and family want to be in the pictures
Ø Dance moves are old
Ø People will be jealous
Ø You buy dinner
Ø People will make fun of you at the 10 year reunion
Ø You’ll piss off other people’s dates when you dance with em
Ø That picture of the group on the staircase—weird
Ø Slow dances
Ø Leyba wears his old Rob Lowe St. Elmo’s Fire autograph model
earring(see movie)
Ø Leyba keeps requesting Duran Duran and Flock of Seagulls at DJ
booth
Ø Leyba mistakes crowd laughter for cheers while dancing
Ø Leyba says “sick” all evening long
Ø Long line for photos with Leyba
Ø Leyba changes outfits like 3 times at After Prom
Ø People whisper a lot when you walk past them

Dirty Vegas

I have something more meaningful
than an
A
For you.

Respect.

I miss you

Done. Over. I quit, you quit, we're through. Well actually it was just me that quit, gave up, stopped trying. While you were crying and dying because I was leaving, I was running faster and farther away, just wanting it to be over. "It's not that I don't care, I do! I just....I dunno, it's just time" These things sound so cliche to me but how else to say it? I do still care, I do still love...but I'm not still in love. So it wouldn't be fair, would it, to you or to me for this lie to keep on, to fake a kiss and force a smile. "I want to be friends, I want us to be okay...but I'll understand if you hate me for a while." I bet you don't believe me, the last thing you want is my friendship right now, now that I've torn your heart from your chest and stomped on it. Is that how it feels? Do you think I'm meaning to hurt you like this? But there's no other way, breaking up always hurts one more than the other....doesn't it? Just because I did it does that mean I don't hurt, don't cry, don't feel an emptiness in my heart that I haven't felt for so many years. "The last time I didn't have you I was a sophomore." You make me realize how much we've grown up together. It hurts when I think about it, I'm crying now, it's setting in, no more dinners with your family, no more lessons on calculus, no more doing homework together after school, no more texting into the night....no more you. I'll miss you. I'm missing you. I miss you.

the prayer of just a kid

dearest dearest teacher sir
where do i go from here
i'm near the place where i fear
i can't hear what you're saying anymore
i refuse to believe that you believe in me
cuz i can't see how you view me
and i'm scared that i've bared
too much of my soul
maybe i'm really dull and i can't pull
my weight
underneath uniformity and conformity
i'm pushing, trying, seeking to be unique
in this small society
of stereotyping and backstabbing
i'm scared to be me
to be free to see what me can be
so dearest dearest teacher sir
please help me break out,
not doubt,
and not whisper but shout
that i'm comfortable
being vulnerable
and i'm who i wanna be

~Biggy Blue Eyes

a tissue for an issue

i have
a slight issue
someone grab me a tissue
i have writers block
who would have thought
but you see this ryhme
bah its lame
and im to blame
my brain on pause
this might cause a serious injury
but i could bite and hold on tight
hold that line and should
but oh no i cant
i have no chance
boy i have writers block
i cant toy with it
or annoy you with it
but who
maybe you
but please grab me a tissue
i have a slight issue

Alienation
Being different where they look the same in clothes and name
goes against the socialization in my public biased education
And now the different ones are so many that they too look the same
but they aren’t to blame cuz conformity tailgates originality so closely
that change is expected while style is forecasted and projected more than protected
And we all get aboard cuz the marginalized are strong but lonely
and we’d rather be weak than the Only
And I’ll take my outsiders in books bands and movies
but not as my neighbors
and homies I’ll stick with my phonies
cuz when we stand side by side it’s like camouflage from choice
My brand name is the voice that I pay for full price
But I don’t mind watchin the ones called unique as they pave the path that I soon will call mine


LLoyd

Remembrance

A tear falls and shatters the ice
A cry emerges and breaks the waves
A smile brings out the sun
A sound of laughter creates the tides
A moment of time creates a memory
Remember for it is all we ever truly have.

a beggar

For you...
the star winks
the cloud moves
the water drips
the grass waves

For you...
seagulls call
pearls form
satin slides
girls blush

For you...
I scream
I yearn
I fall
I dream

see me, hear me, want me, need me, love me
...please

The Perfect Woman

The Perfet Woman:

a woman thats not scared to show confidence,
shes got to walk with style.
a woman thats not afraid to show her curves,
dress up for her man,
and a woman thats not scared to stay in her sweats.
the perfect woman
a woman that never gives up,
she strives for success.
shes not afraid to be one of the guys.
that greets her man at the door with a beer,
that has dinner on the table when he gets home.
the woman that can take an adventure,
that woman that isn's afraid to be real.
a woman that understand his problems.
a woman that can get down and dirty.
that girl whos not afraid to show her youth.
that perfect woman.

Hero: Defined

define hero,

someone who saves you from heartbreak?

someone who fights for you?

someone who helps you put your walls up?

or someone who gets you back in the game?

a hero is definable.

because you are your own hero.

you protect your self.

while he breaks you apart.

knock on wood

an answer is what you want
it's what you'll get, sit back and
...are you ready to be bit?
show my colors,
red, green, blue, and white
i write i rant i rhyme
i shine like that vine you're sittin on
you may be ripe
but you ain't picked
maybe you just ain't the type
who can be squeezed into a wine
too sour, too sweet? or maybe
too good to repeat
i'm comin full force
my voice my heart my song
these words where they belong
back and forth like ping pong
a silly game, a joke, a hoax
a boxing match of words and rhythm,
give em a punch to watch for
try to knock me out, go ahead try
i'll get back up, stand up, head up
biggy blue eyes at your service
calm down, don't get nervous
you ain't never lost a bet, a match, a game
knock on wood, now, you about to be shamed

The Perfect Man:

The perfect man:

someone not exactly perfect
someone who can make a mistake
i want a guy that will try.
someone with a nice smile.
and a great personality.
he has to be independant.
and appreciate the litte things.
he doesn't have to do anything big to get to my heart.
a guy thats playful.
make me laugh.
he's got to be taller than me.
and a charmer.
someone who takes my breath away.
and looks into my eyes.
and must play golf
someone as crazy as me
someone who likes me for me
someone to take an adventure with.
someone to make me a better person.
someone to accept me.
someone to suprise me.
someone to understand.
someone to understand me.
<3>

are my feelings just so

The words I wish to speak,
They are turning into crap,
I am becoming bleak,
Is there something that I lack?
I’m wondering who you want me to be,
Am I not good enough?
I wish that you could see.
I just want to be tough.
Forget what you know,
For I am not going to be here for long.
My feelings are just so,
I want to be strong.
Should I stay or should I go?
Or are my feelings just so?

VINE RIPENED

T-Gil said More than ever be4.
call her TZA or Biggy Blue Eyes
whatever you name her
her rhymes just proclaim her
versatility maximum rhyme-ability,
shoot she she nearly jumped up and joined me
up here on my branch
they say I'm so fresh that they call me
VINE RIPENED
not even picked yet
never been bit yet
or lost a rhyme bet yet.
you may be the indian leg wrestling diva
but now your rhymes make me a believa
that girls can flow go and show
cuz remember
tell day is for losers
but show day is fo provers


peace to the
L-hood
the G-ranch
the C-knoll
the E-states
and even the kids
with chatfield L-plates

good night oakland

Lloyd

you asked me to rhyme

you challenged me so here i come
watch out boy
cuz these words i got
ain't never been done
you said it's on like 8 mile,
sit back and watch my style
form in front of you, like prayers in a pew
rhyme after rhyme, these lines spell "sublime"
forcing, falling, free-forming
yeah you called me out
so now it's my turn
this girl's verse
gonna make your face burn
red like the coals
burning in the train
that runs through your brain, screaming pain
as the rain falls, rolls, jolts through the sky
and you look up and ask "why God why"
put this to a beat, a bounce, a band
could play along and find my rhythm
so now these words are mine
you can't steal them
give them back, back-track and relax
show me something fierce, mean, real
seal this deal with another cliche
and tell me now, my fellow fine,
can i rhyme?

He Said Write A Rhyme or TZA can rhyme

He Said Write A Rhyme
so i put my head closer to the paper
pressed my pen on the word taker
and I watched the ink bleed
the refrain from my brain
but what i want is to make her
see the simplicity
taste the toasted synchronicity
and stop with this defeatist self pity
cuz every rhyme has a home even this one you're readin'
I just found it before you did
it was in KID TZA
this one was in her heart (she has a huge heart) above the lung
in your brain next to pain
on your tongue nearly swallowed
and i climbed down inside you
on ladder rung (wrung) of thievery
just to prove to you that you can (you can)
so please KID believe me
these words are not mine
they're yours
I just arranged them to rhyme
painted em brown
to look like mine
OK fine!
I stole em!
but you can't prove they were yours (yes officer, the T was crossed JUST like that and the P was real phat like That)
(just cuz you say you said em once)
and forget what I said bout them livin in you
they were in me --like breath and plasma
but in you
they were like death caused by asthma
cuz my words can't breathe in you
only me
so turn your back to me
cuz you need a heimlich maneuver to spit out my words
you chokin' rhymeless loser
I'll wipe off the spit and start rhyming that
shifty multisyllabic sequential stream of subconsciousness
that had you ridin the short bus
you ever thought bout bein' a mime?
Anyway
He Said Write A Rhyme

peas out
T Zout
Goodnight Oakland

Lloyd

Hey

I just wanted to say everyone's work is awesome.
Ren'ai~
~Reikan~

Just a moment of my time

I walked in and you ran away
I called and you were busy
I wrote and you never replied
I walked away and you didn't notice
I wanted a moment of your time and you never listened
I went home and found you smiling with roses
I laughed and hugged you
You smiled and said can I give a moment of my time to the girl who always gives me a moment
of hers?

me vs. you

me: "you're not good for me.....what is it about you that pulls me towards you, i swear it's like a magnetic force" you: "why am i not good for you" me: "because....you make me a completely different person" you: "and hey u dont make me the person i want to be either, i want to be a strong person but when im around you im so weak you know but the worst part is i like it. no no i love it" me: "see, i think this is what gets me about you...the way you talk to me...it kills me and i don't want to believe it because that opens the door for getting hurt...but i wanna believe it, wanna believe you" you: "shoot do u think i would spend this much time and effort just to lie to u" me: "i know you're not lying but sometimes i want you to be because then i don't have to feel anything" And so it goes, me vs. you in this epic battle, you trying to steal my heart and me trying not to lose control and fall again. My instincts tell me to push you away because "break my heart once, shame on you; break my heart twice, shame on me." But something, who knows what, wants me to trust you, to let you in, to just let go. This has gone on for so long and still I can't...can't...forget. you: "no wat i really wanted to say is that i want so bad to be the one that you can trust and believe and the one you love to believe and the one you love to hold and be with the one you call yours and the one who can call u mine" How do you do this to me?

"B"

Blue Black Butterflies Bid Beauties Bon-voyage.

between memories and moving on

I think about you everyday. I hear your voice when I go to certin places. Sometimes I think I see you in a crowed. The day you died, realized I couldn't live with out you. I felt guilty because I never knew you were unhappy. Baby you had so much to live for. I remember getting mad at you because you got into the school of your dreams. I was scared I would never see you again. I knew I was being selfish. It's not fair you died too young. I vist you often, on our anniversy, christmas, your birthday, my birthday, the day we first met. I walk up that hill, for some reason I see you waiting for me. I kneel on the tall grass and run my fingers over your name. I talk to you, only telling you I need you and I miss you. I am caught between a memory and moving on. I wish it were me insted of you. It's been almost three years. It begins to rain. I am selfish and run to my car, not kissing you good-bye, or telling you I love you. I miss you more and more as each day passes. I never wanted to expierence like with out you. The one who taught me how to drive a stick, whistle, how to blow bubbles with my gum. Jeff baby I miss you more then life. Yet I cant bring myself to forgive you. For leaving me here-alone. I wish I could take it back-never meeting you, my heart wouldn't feel this pain. I saw your mom yesterday, she thinks about you too. She only dreams of how it was supposed to be. Your dad doesn't talk much. Then again he never really did. Like father-like son.

the past.

why can't people just leave the past alone?
its like they are vultures. they keep picking and picking until there is nothing left.
you try to not let it bother you, but it does.
not showing emotion on the outside, but on the inside, you're dying. screaming for everyone to shut up and leave it alone.
you can't open up. what will people think? how will they react?
they already treat you different.
have you ever walked into that room full of people and realize that they were all talking about you?
it's the hardest thing to walk around, pretending like nothing ever happened. to walk around, pretending like nothing is bothering you and then go home crying that you never want to go back to that place.
the stares, the whispers, the rumors.
you made my life a living hell, why keep going?
i've gone through the tornado, and now i'm dealing with the aftermath of the storm.
left alone to pick up the pieces, to rebuild myself.
i need you to to help me pick myself back up, to get my head back above the water, not to keep pushing me further down.
its time to move on.
i don't need you constantly reminding me of the past.
the past is past.

on pause for you

klajgadkglha'ighA:KhelpmeLGa'igh/'agh ag/'alkhfg/klahg<--------my mind, my heart in panic, in shock. i refuse to let my guard down again, i wont let me leave myself alone. reality was shoved in my face, the truth pushed to my attention. if i told you or someone how i felt, ha, i would be burned at the stake by my friends, and get tomatoes thrown at me by your friends. i know im losing my mind. my life has been put on pause for you. i want to tell you sorry for the way i have acted in the past. i want to be closer to you. i want you to want me to let me in. open your heart for me. put all other feelings or regrets or questions or doubts aside. im only sorry it took so long for me to change. let me in, tell me you are weak, show me you can be the person you really are, take me into your heart, demalish your walls, build me a room in you, iside of the person no one sees, the person you want me to see. open the door let me in.

Your pen is a 9 that pierces my mind and the humor a veil to hide the pain trail that trail we all leave behind but hey we face the opposite way and to use a cliche "at the end of the day" we're all the same except for the name So to you young Rabbit the ripper of rhyme with end rhyme sublime I salute your zest, your words that penetrate my student proof vest, the syllables so palpable they fizz to a smizzle Yeah you are the Gangsta of grin the NewPac the drop dead dreadlock wearin a padlock the thief of time who straddles the line between 8 mile and perfect white smile. Yeah, Rabbit rhymes.

Peace in the Middle East
Goodnight Oakland

Lloyd

The story you'd never know

This paper becomes a sanctuary, the one and only place he can go when he's been abandoned, left alone. The world turned its back on him and he spent so long trying to turn it back around until finally he got tired, gave up and just sat down to cry. Crying those bitter, angry, hateful tears that burn as they roll down his cheeks and give him the worst headache and runny nose, "but it's theraputic," he thinks, tells himself, makes himself believe. He swears, shouts those terrible words that don't mean a damn thing to anybody but him. It's been so long since anybody's loved him, how can he expect that of anyone when he hates himself? He spends so long in this place, this place that makes him hurt, where he gets lost in fake smiles and real tears, he's forgotten how to laugh. This pain that he can't share, this burden that becomes too heavy for his shoulders to support...What can he even do to make it go away? He questions, wonders, wishes he knew what to do.

No Bounds

Leyba, I was thinking of what you said in class today so this is my last rhyme for awhile and I will work on all the things you said...and being serious.

Take the worlds weight and stand up straight.
But wait, Im ahead of my time, writing the rhyme.
Hoping in my car to drive far.
Trying to get out the struggle that is my life, stand up and break out the siffe.
Heaven is overrated, but my killingspree's only be of tounge-tied mc's.
Not busting 9's only slaying with my rhymes.
Not popping crystal, only dropping dimes.
Hitting the books because I hear knowledge is power,
finding my feelings in Leyba's class, not wanting to be a lazy ass.
My contimplation be of giving into temptation.
But I dont want to quit, dont want to be societies pitt.
Trying to think what I want to be, going off my track and thinking of what I ought to be.
I wonder what got into me. Everyone fallowing the path eventually.
Dreaming back of things I regret, not worth mentioning, but hard to forget,
My concience will eat at me thinking of that nonsince.
The past can never be forgotten, but the future found,
and just remember success takes hardwork but there is,
No Bound.

they know each other

they know each other
yet they avert their eyes
they know each other
but they try to hide
they have a history
known only to them
they've shared thier deepest desires
only as secret friends.
if others saw them together
they would be shunned
so they put on their acts
and keep on ignoring
memories lost
moments gone
him as a jock
her as a goth
they keep on walking
pretending not to care
yet now there's this feeling
that hangs in the air
a reminder
of what they use to share.

Free Write

Maybe it isn't free. Maybe I charge. Maybe we all pay. Some of you gave beautiful words. Thank you. I realize I need to write. I haven't written anything more than lumps of sentences for weeks. I bought yet another pen in hopes of motivation. Hope--hope ain't gonna write. Today, before lunch, I was inspired. How many classes do I enter into that I leave inspired? Few. You made the room raw with your words and your willingness to wear your emotion. You hung words in the air like sky writers with golden smoke. Like TG said, "you shoved your way to the front of my mind." My pen bows to yours. Leave it all on the page.

Lloyd

"Shattered" (I'm bored, can you tell?)

Through a shattered world she walks alone
Mistrust lights her way
Walking through the light she is blind to the hatred of others
Fear guides her through the bleak forest of life
In her world betrayal is the key
Honor is lost to the knowledge of lies
Black and White she sees the darkness in them all
Her powers too great to handle
Sickness of those surrounding embeds itself in her mind
She knows not to run for darkness has seeped everywhere
In her heart she fears the truth behind the lies
Pain holds her grounded as she seeks recovery
Memories of a faded past haunt her sleep
Tears fall bringing rain
Disaster echoes through the cold sleepless night
Does darkness consume them all
So much black so little white
What horrors haunt her now
A white palace setting her free
A white prison holding her in reality
Freedom shattered
Hope is gone
The bindings holding her mirror the hatred in the darkness
From beloved solitude to feared companionship
Can she find a light in the darkness or is her soul forever shattered?

Gazette

Grasping the night
Attaining the desired freedom
Zealous beats remaining
Each note soothing
Tormenting the day
Touching my heart
Ever remaining in my mind.
*For Gazette*

D.E.G.

Death is a promise
Ignorance is a sin
Red blood is a soul

Eternity will fade
Night will come

Ghost of this dream
Rediscover this past
End this nightmare
You alone can feel this presence.

*For Dir En Grey*

Hospital Waiting Room - Setting *flashbacks*

White, cold, silent not a happy setting, yet there in that palace of life and death I wait. Not for the birth of a child or the death of an elder. No instead I wait for what could be the announcement of imprisonment for one I never trusted. *Blood, sirens, terror, screams, a knife* Sympathetic eyes look through me as I watch the police and doctors talk. I am silent, chills creep cowardly up my spine. *Green fields, laughter, love, bliss, beauty* Overlooked in the bustle of the E.R. I wait for her to come back out and laugh for me once again. Stretchers rush past. . .a car accident. The past how did I outrun it? *Dark, night, blanket, fear, a spider* People passing cower and walk faster, they sense my impatience. Time crawls past or so it seems for there is no time in my haunted world of Purgatory. *Friend, sister, mother, knife, field, spider*

Different Worlds

You were there beautiful, talented causing mischief. Time came, time went yet always you portrayed freedom. Haunting eyes captured the moment of your flight. Pain filled an empty chasm as you retreated to the shadows. No fear, no guilt, no love, no happiness. . .there is no emotion. Life is void of meaning since your escape to the new realm. Your arrival celebrated by all, you've returned to our sanctuary at last. Speeches, balls, and late nights fill your life. In rest I see tranquility; you have no worries, no fake smiles, no horrors of life, you are free. How life caused your freedom to be diminished. The dust hides the truth. Shy smiles hide behind submission. Love is doused by ashes. You don't see me, yet how could you? We live separate lives. We live in separate worlds. We live in a castle.
~Reikan~

fess up

the lies. the secrets. the truth. it fallows you. it sits on your shoulders. you know you have to confess. but you cant. you just cant. you believe that god will never forgive you. ever. as you drop to your knees, your sprit is crushed. there is nothing you can do about it. you know you dont deserve to be here. you know you are the worst person in the world. tears overwhelm your face your face. you turn pale, your eyes and you cheeks a bright red. as soon as you stop crying you begin to cry again. you cant stop. the make up from your eyes, is streaming down your face, just as if you got into a fight. your heart pounds harder every time they get closer to the truth, you feel like you are going to puke, you cant hold in your lies or your secrets. the truth has to come out. you choke on your words confessing the madness that you have created. your confessions. the last words you speak.

"Listen"

It weighs me down
He asks whats wrong
I try not to say
He pushes me; I tell him
He burdens himself
He tries to solve the problems
I see it hurt him yet he will not stop
I don't want him to take my burdens upon himself
How do I save him without destroying myself
I want to help him yet he never lets me
I try to listen but he asks me questions
How do I not answer
He is logical yet stubborn
I tell him but he never tells me
He is my best friend but he can't see why I want to help him
Others agree he burdens himself needlessly
How do I protect him from my harsh world
He calls me "Guide" but how do you guide one who won't follow
I want to save him from my insanity
I want to listen to him.

*Inspired by Geoff-Geoff*

I AM

I am 5 and a half and not 5
I am the moment before your eyes
I am the birds flying
I am the buffalo roaming
I am the glowing fireflies
I am the rocket ship exploding
I am the the fountain overflowing
I am the flame in a dance
I am the Indian in a trance
I am the battle call, the ancient war cry
I am the fateful goodbye
I am the I am the morning light
I am the screaming streaks of fright
I am the tears of fears
I am the gasping of air
I am the exhaling of trees
I am the mind at ease
I am the smoke in the breeze
I am the start of something new
I am the vision that are now in sight
I am the memories of what was
I am the hope of what is to be
I am the clarity of confusion
I am the worrior that is fearless
I am the beggining of an end.

what's in a name

Classy, yet more farm girlish. Easy to say, hard to spell. Named after my great great aunt. It’s my mom’s Def Leppard cd playing, her James Dean poster in her college dorm room, the clay figures, and finger paintings. It’s the sound of my dad’s welder and the smell of his smoker, it is his can of chew sitting in the middle of the dashboard, it’s the oil for tuning the cars. It goes perfect with my sisters name on our Christmas cards; “Merry Christmas, from the Ballews, Mark, Jodi, Maegan, and Amanda”. When said in anger and rage, it turns red, as if my entire name could be one word. When said in praise it simply turns a brilliant white. It’s the sounds of a rumbling car down the street, or a machine being operated on in a maintenance shop. Maegan, pronounced just like it looks, Mae-gan, simple. The only sweet part is my last name, Ballew. It’s a color, a bear, and a cat, sweet I know. My grandfather uses it as an excuse, and my dad uses it as if it were an action word like running or jumping. That or you can call me Sister Mary Clarence.

These tears form, but I won't cry

This pain tears at me, makes me want to hate you, gives me that lump in my throat that I recognize and now I know what's coming. All those memories of our childhood together - we never could get along. I stole your spotlight, like mom says. I'm sorry. Isn't that enough? I grew up not in your shadow, but under your foot, stepped on and hated, like mud on new tennis shoes. We had a love-hate relationship: I loved you and you hated me. Oh, how we fought. You'd think we were going to kill eachother, what with the bloody noses, black eyes, and kicking you where it counts. I swear I never meant to. And then you left me. Just up and left. I understand, yeah, I get it. You had to get away because you were too far gone. Going the wrong direction. In deep "crap." Okay, fine. All I saw was you walking out the door and then I'm gone, running away so that I'm the one leaving, not you. No. You're not abandoning me. You'll come back. No? There's this hole that started forming inside of me, kept getting bigger and bigger like when you gauged your ears. Just kept growing. How long until we talked again? A month, maybe two? How about a year, three months, and five days. I couldn't forgive you. You left me. And now what? I'm a senior and you haven't been here for a single dance, a date, even to hide those dozen roses left on the porch because you're being protective. It's time I can't recover. It's time I want back. I don't even know you anymore. Now I'm your baby sister that you love and you're jealous that my boyfriend spends more time with me in one month than you have the past six years? I say I'm over it and I want to see you, just to talk. But what do you say to somebody you don't know? I miss you....

when i look at myself i'm paper

paper thin. comes in contact with an assortment of things. they write all over it. all over me. put their ideas, their beliefs, their thoughts into my head. when they're done they sign their name. mark their seal of approval and move on to the next victim. forget what they've left behind. forget who they've altered. who they've changed forever. another one comes along. erases the marks that may remain. turns me back into a blank slate. now i'm nothing. no thoughts, opinions, nothing to look at, nothing thats interesting. some one else dangerously approaches, i shy away... afraid of whats to come, who i'll become next. but they're stronger. stronger than this frail sickly being who can't find her voice. not able to just screech ENOUGH. i've had it. i want my own mind. i don't want to be transparent. i don't want to be erased. rewritten until supposedly made perfect. but i am. i'm paper.

five hundred words to get there...

half the day is gone, he is determined to do this, this one last thing before he must go, leave this earth, leave her forever. he cant find the words to tell her, why he is leaving, the sadness he carrys on his heart. to her, he never seemed unhappy, those blue-berry eyes always staring at her, no matter what, the smile that could light up the darkest of nights. his last five hundred words, beating around the bush, trying to tell her everything running through his mind. "sorry baby girl", four hundred and counting. "tell me why", a raging waterfal of tears overwhelms her face. she blames herself, every mistake, every fight, three hundred and counting, two hundered. he leaves, she doesnt yet say good-bye, she cant bring herself to the horrible truth. his last words, "baby girl, i love you". driving to check on him, no one home, no one in sight, but she sees the car, oh that car, so many memories, late night rides, water gun fights. one more place to check, there he is. there he is. her knees hit the pavement like a hammer driving a nail. all she has left is the memories.

Letter

I watched as you walked away, the tears betrayed my mind. How did I ever fight you? You held my heart in the palm of your hand. I lost the battle, I let you claim me as yours. I knew I would never have your heart yet I gave mine freely. I made a mistake and paid for it. How did you win a battle that never even began? Why did I let you walk away? Why did I cry tears I knew wouldn't bring you back? Why do I write a letter you will never read? Why do I feel a flame re-kindling when you doused it? Why did I let you in, when I knew I would watch you walk away?

~My questions unanswered~

Reikan

Dont Scream, Emo Kid! or Don't Scream Emo Kid

Don't scream emo kid
about the words that just fell from your head that I was only try'n to talk about not toss em out and make you say I don't take constructive criticism well in public and I laughed and shivered inside cuz my words about your words made words come out of your mouth to stop me from changin your emotions and I never saw the internal commotion comin cuz I'm just the first responder to words versus emo kid collisions. I can't sew my thoughts to your words unless I have permission So this collision I leave alone as I leave alone and wander home and think about my collision with your beautiful fragility. I assumed (ass) you trusted me and maybe you (amazing) will and maybe your hair hangs in your face for a reason I ain't see'n and it's ironic how your wispy bangs make me blind and if emo means you feel and love and care and flush red with emotion then I am emo and I do scream and I scream to you and with you and at you and we all feel the feelings of the wheel at once and it's a rush to be alive.

Your words splashed on me

the Room

where everything thats anything is thrown out the window
where all thats left isnt whos who but who can express
where all our heartaches dont vanish but are announced
where the paper is our refuge and the pen (not pencil) is our sword
where we connect through our words not through our actions
where we try to change the lives of those sitting in rickety desks nearby
where we do change the lives of those nearby but never seem to notice
where we become humans
with tears
with anger
with stomach aching laughter
where we learn to kick a**

My Dearest Peaches,

I long to see your beatiful figure. Your eyes are but brightly colored planets in the darkness that is my heart. I crave you flowing locks of blonde bueaty more than ever now. My dreams are fantasies of us under the moonlite sky spending an eternity together. Oh peaches, my sweet peaches, when I bite into you I just want more. Your fuzzy exterior that makes me all warm inside. Juices flowing and tasting of pure exstasy in my mouth. So much it's hard to swallow, and not want another bite. My longing for you is making me crazy, come home to me my sweet daisy. Without you my soal is filled with dark coal. Please come back to me and light that candle, because the butterflies in my stomach are to much to handle. That taste gives me a tingle, even more than when we dress up and you call me Chris Cringle. Im enfatuated with your pits, and if you don't come home soon it will be tough to stop throwing these fits. At night as I lay awake I think about you and you orangish glow, waiting for you to come home so we can put on a show.

Yours Forever,
Chris Cringle

Quote of the Month
"You would think after 3 years they would have paper with them but no, no paper only visine."

I wish you could all see...

the smile on my face right now. I love all your writing. I'm inspired. All the thoughts that have settled in my head will soon make their way to paper...

simply life

Playing footsie with you. Seeing and smiling and giggling like a little girl. Poking and tickling and holding hands. Talking mushy and flirting like shy little fourth-graders, gazing into the sunset over mountains and green hillsides with purple flowers and yellow daisies. Beautiful flowing dresses and formal tuxes, dancing nights away and sleeping in til 12. Boyfriends and girlfriends and little kiddies telling you how you look. Asian food and stomach aches, the heat of all the bodies rising like the sun. Blue skies and yellow-red-orange leaves falling, drifting downwards, pulled by gravity and pushed by the wind. Barbeques and making apple crisps, Sunday dinners with ice cream and cookies. Piano movers and clang-clanging of the keys and the sing-song of a rhythmic melody. Free-style ballet dancers and nannies taking you to Coney Island a week before it opens. Little conversations of 3-year-olds that make you smile and amaze you because they're so smart. Cousins and brothers and sisters and camping in a not-so-camping atmosphere. Riding the rtd and going to baseball games with the best friends you never knew you had. Living life and loving yourself.