And Here I Am Again

same place for this new year but that's about it

But this time a visit
only here for a little bit
on the same couch I used to sit
when I'd try to get
(rhymes)
though now I'm ready to throw a fit
because I can't get one question out of my brains' pit
What did I do?

Why did I leave and what for
I couldn't have asked for anything more
but on myself I closed the door
And for what?
A purple shirt and forty hours
my nice red car all drapped with flowers
the same old jobs
the same old guys
nights full of sobs
thinking; all those knobs
connected to doors I didn't open
I had everything, a perfect 10
And I drove away from it all

But it's a new year
to start eliminating this fear
and to focus on my ultimate goal
take on a more adult role
because I hate this feeling
I want to be back
-permanently though-
like a name on a lunch sack

Wishing Won't Do Me Any Good - They Only Come True In Fairy Tales

Don’t you ever wish that we could go back in time? Back to the times when things didn’t hurt as bad and things were easier to fix. When instead of playing drinking games we’d be playing uno or old maid or even pick up stix. Back to the times when the thing that hurt worst was merely a scraped knee, and the person you were didn’t matter – you were whoever you wanted to be. Back when a broken heart wasn’t even faint in our imagination, and good decision making hadn’t left on a train from the station.

But why am I using “we” when in reality I should be saying I, because if I wasn’t then I would certainly be telling no little white lie.

I want to go back to the times when I was daddy’s little girl, when nothing else in the world mattered but me and him, and my hair was all up in curls. The times that were so special like the daddy daughter dances, and our daddy daughter dates that took place long before any of my future romances. I want the times when I never disappointed you, and when the butterfly kisses that I gave you at night didn’t come in only ones but twos. The times when you’d tuck me into bed at night and then I’d say my prayers; I want those times when God seemed so close, because now I’m doubting if he’s even there.

I don’t want the times when it’s oh so hard to look you in the eye; I don’t want the times when I keep on failing, no matter how many times I try. I don’t want the times when my mistakes are the only things that are consistent, I don’t want the times when you no longer trust me and when trusting me you are resistant. I don’t want the times of me crying myself to sleep or sometimes even worse, and I don’t like that you’re not by my side to wipe away my tears when I feel hurt. I don’t want the times when I’ve caused you so much pain, trust me when I say this, I wish I could make it all just go away.

I wish that I could make all the pain I’ve caused you to feel be my burden instead of yours; I wish that it could stay that way forever and forever more. I wish that I could be the one, who puts the smile on your face, but instead I do the opposite and that smile of yours I erase. I wish that time could go back to the way things used to be, when I hadn’t disappointed you yet, and you were so proud of me. I want to go back to the times when the only thing I stole was a cookie before dinner time, because that’s more easily forgiven than breaking the heart of the father of mine.

Parable of the Big House

i have to thank Plato a bit, and give him credit. for the most part, this is like his allegory of the cave but retold and changed. there is no world of the forms, something kind of like it exists in this though. read and observe :p

There once was a gigantic house with no doors or windows, or in fact anything to lead to the conclusion there was anything beyond its walls. Inside it lived a few families. The families were happy. The fathers ruled the household, each in control of their section of the house. They would meet from time to time, and sometimes argued. The overall tone was happiness though. No one ever thought about what could lay beyond the walls, they never had time to. They were busy with everyday life they found suitable for them. The walls and everything inside them were the only thing that mattered. But there was eventually a child born that grew up in constant curiosity. The fathers, mothers, siblings, everyone discouraged the thought that the house was not the only thing. The boy believed there was something more. He became an outcast among the house. He spent all his days wandering its corridors, seeking some small fracture, some insignificant crack in its walls suggesting a second reality. Many years he searched, with no success. His family and the other families grew to treat him with indifference. He decided to try a little more unconventional means of discovering anything. Taking a long nail and hammer, he began poking small but long holes in each wall, looking to see if anything existed independently of the big house. Room after room: failure. One day, after many unfruitful days of exhaustive venturing, a hole he made revealed light on the other side. He was astonished, for he expected, well, he didn't know what to expect. He was just searching for anything else that may lie beyond. Over the next few weeks and months, he began trying to widen the hole without being noticed. This was not that hard, because most everyone left him alone. When it was big enough that he could squeeze through, he did. emerging on the other side, he was blinded by the intense glare of the sun. All of this was new to him, he had never seen or heard any of these sights or sounds. After having realized that life inside the house was a lie, that they were all living in a dream world, sheltered from any and all actuality and truth. The society that exists within the confines of the house were all false. The very nature of everything he thought he knew had to be questioned. He couldn't KNOW anything that he had 'known'. He had to learn everything anew. Even things like the concepts he grew up with, that had been ingrained into his mind after years of living in that family environment. The foundation of knowledge itself had been shaken and he knew he had to try and share this newfound reality with his family. When he told them about it, and tried to make them understand, they couldn't. He was saddened that they could not understand the truth. Even when he tried showing them, they didn't want to believe it. He knew he couldn't ever live in the house again, not now that he knew everything in it is just a false illusory misconception of the reality that lies outside. He must live it alone, as close to happy as is possible. The people inside were happy as well, living under the false pretense that they were ignorant of. They believed what they saw and heard and experienced was real. And they were happy living in that 'reality'. But the son could never return. He experienced true happiness, mixed with longing and frustration. He dearly wished his family could realize the truths he had been enlightened to. But he resolved to living in the real world.


if i wrote it properly, you should sort of take a meaning about what i am actually trying to say. or you may get an entirely different meaning altogether. to each their own.

My Getaway Sky

This is it. I won’t change direction and I won’t change my mind. I’m leaving everything and the lingering disappointment behind. I’m leaving it all in my rearview mirror…all the times I’ve failed miserably to make my dad proud, after all I am just another face in a crowd. Right? I’m leaving behind that dreaded look that I’ve seen so many times, I just don’t think I could bear to once again put it in his eyes. I’m sick of always trying and never getting results – the only thing consistent are my dad’s subtle insults. Little does he know just how deep they cut – understanding imperfections he is doing anything but. Expectations he sets are never met – I try so hard but he never seems to see the effort that I put. I’m leaving all of that behind. I’m headed somewhere that my effort will be acknowledged, somewhere that I might be able to one day, some day, call home. Anywhere is better than here. The me that I am now isn’t good enough – if I leave I can find myself – the me that might finally be good enough. This life is a torch that I’m holding and it’s slowly burning up my arm – I’m running out of time to find myself. I want to find myself. But I can’t do that with disappointment always standing in my way or always having to worry about what my dad has to say. The only way I can do this – is to say goodbye – the only thing familiar will be my getaway sky.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way – you have helped me so much and I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for you but I need to take it from here. I’m sorry that I have to leave you all behind in the reflection of my aviators in my rearview mirror – but this is something that I have to do. I don’t know when I’ll be leaving or where I’ll be going, and I won’t be telling anyone – all I know is that once I pick up and go, I won’t be looking back.

in this land of palm trees and slugbugs, cocoa mugs and baby tees

and it's raining on a friday
people walk through the splish splash
and jump and run and dash
to avoid these jokes the angels play

windshield wipers back and forth
gotta see gotta go gotta make it there
in time
everybody's going going going
and all i wanna do is

stop.
and listen

and feel these teardrops from the sky
touch my chest and
i am aware of the thu-dunk thu-dunk my heartbeat makes

in a gray and misty day-time melody
i am caught up in this rhapsody
and i grasp tight and hold on to the sublimity
of this gift we call
mortality

After watching a video of animal skinning. its awful.

Who could do such cruel and unusual things

to innocent beings, skinning them alive

what drives them to this, it's not just to survive

all the awful events I have gone through

do not compare at all to the scare they put in the air

the pain that rains into these harmless by those who reign

in hate, these soldiers of villains, murder and killing

tied down no escaping, this fate they lay down for

take it, the blade slits right through the flesh, and

cuts off the fur, they're not filthy curs, they are pets

of mine and yours, pets who die martyred for nothing

but fur coats, throats slit for warmth, burn the image into your mind

that this crime has endured for far too long, and now its time to fight

for those who can't, dogs and cats put to death by any means,

so mean, it makes my face turn green and my stomach scream

and retreat from this animosity towards animals and the key is to

refrain and return to the learning, the ways of peace and love

above all, the skinners have to fall. Fall into all the evils and hates they've

demonstrated, let's cut off their faces and skins,

erase their outside and see what lies within

finish them off and let them rot from justice and might, the right way to go

for they need to own up to and show up to the crimes they did do

the trial, no denial, we caught them, now to stop them

men and women must serve their sentence for ten thousand deaths

at least, they feasted on the mutilation and annihilation of nature's finest

the dining room from hell set to a madman's will

and he will surely get his fill of the bitterest pill

the one of liberty and right, and if the living unite

then this fight will be done, over and won

light will find its way into the blackest hearts on that day

I could take all my pain and it would

be nothing to what they feel, ladies and gentlemen, this is real

the real deal, and its high time we stop them peeling

and have them start feeling for themselves what it's like to be killed and tortured

force them to endure the fury of your hands, the hands of a man

who cares enough to stare and cry, and wonder why

and wonder when this slaughter and pogrom will terminate

and if it will germinate a good inside the coal-minded, cold-hearted

bold killers on jihad, the free have no way of comprehension,

just descension into the arms of apprehension, with law on their side

calling for no stalling in the case of falling and failing to ace the capture

of those rapturing the hides of beautiful creatures, few will feature

seat and remain and don't do it again but they will until that day when

they are cut open, their skin cut off, while they breathe, no sleep, no rest for the wicked

it's sick they can inflict those damages on innocent animals

and it needs to stop, we have to be firm and crack down,

we can't squirm when the worm gets snatched by the crowned dove with love, when the

maltreatment is shown, with cares not overgrown and little ones snared into overcoats

smack the first blow with the fist of vengeance, so low they can't fit this revenge upon us

even though it all began and stands with them, at a standstill for lack of action.

That day far off, when they are scared off, when all are alive, all survive, and

they contrive to the good of pure love. That is the day we wait for in vain, patiently.

One For The Road

i feel like i'm tapped out lately

; drained of all my valuable

juices

its too much, i want 

to just let it go

all go

right down the drain

Bukowski called it

"The Frozen Man Stance"

i feel like i've been frozen for quite

some time. even months

;

i feel like i've just wanted to

sever off all ties with the outside

and live in my house for the rest of 

my life, or at least for

a little while

; no more girls, no more

friends,

no more family.

no more of anything.

i don't even want to run away

i just want it all to be exactly how it

is, just without me in it.

; and that would be magic.

magic i don't have

magic so i could

just sit around an

unfurnished apartment

and do absolutely nothing

but listen to the creeping

of isolation

right around that door.

and this corner

i feel so cold.

so frozen.

like rotten fruit in a bag

at the walk-through freezer section

at your local King

Soopers.

~I sometimes miss it, but isolation might be nice for a while.

Love,

Digress.

Right To An Attorney

lets not use names at least not tonight

let us shed the stresses that bite

change up the numbers and dial the new tones

hang it up / deliverance from your phone

shed light on the under roots of the unknown

its sad to think of most life being blown

but sometimes its sadder to think the opposite

the best inspiration comes when you are indigent

so rip the clothes and let it grow, let it glow

put it down in paper and ink

make sure you give the children time to think

before they discover their ship will one day sink

accomplish what you can in this short life span

nobody truly knows about the mourning after plan

sit with me in the eclectic chair

shocking through of who what when and where

and hook up the weirdness to this chair

we need a place and victim in order to stare

compile stories of the missing and the aware

electroshock therapy for your misguided agendas

and a new wave of evidence for your defenders

reality can be creepy / but you sit here sleepy

will you ever sit up and be a deity

will you ever stand up and not sign that treaty?

an inventive man will one day reach you

telling of the all new revolution of blue

solemn and melancholy, lugubrious and prostrate

this is the man overcome by his own hate

now you know what must be done

so i'll send you on your way

shine bright with your lunar glow

produce the better man over the show

one ups are two doors down

walk inside the streets of your broken town

it was all going swell, it was all going right

suddenly like a dodo you've got no flight

so rise above the tumultuous situations

and remember to face all that cause fright

your mind and your voice carry you to delight

go out in confidence go out / it'll be alright.

~The Magic is dead. its so mother-Psshkt dead.

Kiss Kiss,

Digress wants to quit it all.

I Want You To Cry

going out of style and giving one toothed smiles

broken down and eradicated

waiting for a new man to take my hatred

disgusting new ideas gone and evaporated

living on the fray and boarder line hysteria

kisses blown to malaria

give me a title, go ahead i dare ya

mistreated miscreants

business-like insects

fornicated respect

ostracized derelicts

a new breed of retrospect

give me walls is all i ask

don't expose what's below this mask

hide me like a cockroach 

lie me down in the eggs you poach

my brain blinds as you coax

i know the taunt

its exactly what you've always taught

ragtag ragamuffins

bold nobodies and nothings

cumbersome and dutiful

weavers toil at the spool

allow it. help is cruel.

sitting with nights evaporating

gazing into eyes so cold and isolating

another sad cry for you to stop debating

over the rainbow and far away

something there for what is here

so why do you practice regular fear?

ashamed of the way you're insane

grasp the new sense of violence

realize that humans are intense

voices shrill

piercing midnight thrill

swallow the vitamin pills

alarms in instants

and calamity for business

~Walk with your insanity, talk to your insanity, let it breath its wisdom, allow it to tell tales.

Kiss Kiss,

Digress.

Jenga Tower

stranded like white bread in the wrong neighborhood

another dying wish is what you misunderstood

when it comes time will you take it for the good

to run with the wind and run with the haunted

hide in the bushes of the ever-dying wanted

plastic and deformed the legs stretch for the daunted

a sexual drive for the unknown disgrace

male dominance and objectification of your haste

somebody get some preparation H

we've a new society to misplace

written in the faces on the television screen

the quickening silence was obscene

wanting new ideas they climbed to the top

and now a fashion show is exactly what they got

written in the faces on the television screen

its the secret the bodies scream

a no name number in a new name campaign

celebrating the loss with showers of champaign

its the clothes we put on that cause so much pain

little will she know exactly how much strain

can be placed on the land of broken insane

so far away--they were so far away

but the flash and glint brightened her day

and now look at her, standing on the bane

the vexation of the ones her purchase claims

and now look at her--high in society

look at her high on her piety

and now look at her--in the slums of variety

watch her lie to you and to me

written in the faces on the television screen

the quickening silence was obscene

wanting new ideas they climbed to the top

and now a fashion show is exactly what they got

written in the faces on the television screen

its the secret the bodies scream

~Fashion shows the objectification. the blind downfall of her. as a whole we are blind.

(its been a while since my last rap-- more on the way. a busy time.)

Love,

Digress.

since then

walking into that building
the unfamiliar walls
crept in
as i was praying
praying for you
you the one that i lost
so long ago
too long ago
baby its been five years
where does the time fly
i still have no idea where i am in life
without you
i am the same age you were
when you parted me
i still cant believe you are gone
my mind forgets about it sometimes
though every second i still remember your name
your face
your steady heart beat
your not so perfect smile

it seems my life has to change, i have to close my eyes and pray. let me just stand in that empty church and with arms wide open let me pray and give my body to Christ. I dont know if i am ready to be a new woman with out you. I cant breath right. I just
just
just
just
just
just
close my eyes
and
begin
to
pray
pray
pray
pray.
with arms raised to the sky
my tears
s
t
r
e
a
m
dowm my face

Don't mistake them for Saturday morning cartoons

Yours were nightmares with happy endings
the villain got the girl , the hero died
You would never have it any other way
my magic puppeteer ,
playing god
my life was your stage ,
devoted to heartbreak and despair
hope dangled over my head,
your solitary amusement

Windows

He is my cliche , my window into the world of unrequited love. Simply put , I care for him. It's a quiet sort of caring , most of which is to be done in the confines of my bedroom. I can only hope that from an outsiders point of view the situation seems romantic and ill-fated. In reality it is nothing more that a testament to high school relationships and a metaphorical slap in the face. All of which is to be taken lightheartedly . because anything deeper would provide them with the victim they so desperately want.

God give me one more foot, and another hand or two. Then I could add up how many times I’ve given up on you.

Sometime you have to jump, because there is no turning back. Because you only have two weeks, and it’s just a tank of gas. But if you just sit on the ledge then you can never really forget. Don’t take signs for granted, cause they are usually from god, and he is usually right. Hold my hand, for hope, for one try, at being something special, so we both can see. If it’s wrong then I’ll never call that phone number again, never let my fingers stroke those little phone buttons the same way again. Its hope, that jumping will make everything better, let you sleep alittle better, a little sounder. If you stay up and think like I do, then we might as well say it. If the world ended right now then I would rather be with you than just thinking about you, cause we might not be meant for each other, you might not be the one for me, but right now that doesn’t matter. My heart just hurts not being there to hold you close, just one more time. Just one more kiss, no matter what everyone else says. It doesn’t matter what they say. I know I have to know, if all these feeling are really real. Maybe I’m a fool, but I’d rather have you teach me a thing or two, then have to figure this out on my own.

Martyrdom Before Chaosity

24 hours ago he was in heaven
24 hours after he’s in hell
What happened?!

Reality takes its course, cold as ice
Mourning bells toll their lament
Struck down by waves of torment
Martyred by the love nonexistent
Silence, since dawn immemorial
Silence echoes in his empty soul

Seeking solace from his solitude
He who loveth an angel shall fall
Such a dire predicament is his
So he turns to self-loathing
Hating himself to love others
Society loving to hate him
Until raptures flame out around him

The fires scathing those not he
Skies bruised black and blue; chaos
Pitched into an anarchaic state; worlds lost, dreams nightmared
Terror and demons walk and stalk survivors

An angel, alone, cries to herself amidst the devastation
The mortal martyr sees; rushes to save her
Murders of the flesh and mind happen all around
Raping the righteous of body and soul
Horrors see the noble cause of the hermit
Attempting to halt and remove both angel and man

Locked in the epic struggle for love or death
The lonely soul, feeling useless, gives it his all one last time
Fighting unarmed but the love on his side; a madman
Dancing with the devil for the angel to live, regardless
Satan intimidated by the lost one’s vengeance dealt, blow by blow
Crimson thoughts aflame with hope extinguished
But the blackest thoughts die then as well

At the end all is gone. An angel remains weeping.
Corpses litter the once picturesque landscape, fires burn
The sky starts to clear, the angel takes one last look
Remembering the man martyred to save her
Interring his body and entering his soul, sees his love
Undying, it now lives on in her breast, eternal.
Flying into the widening blue, happier an angel never was.

A Perhaps

maybe, just maybe, we should think

about a new revolution.

one for the children.

and

maybe, just maybe

we should begin to

adventure into new sights

and

maybe, just maybe, we could

try and overcome our emotions and attempt the

greatest disappearing act ever known

and

maybe, just maybe, we should...

kill everything

we've ever owned, loved, cherished, modified, scorned, worshiped, fondled, loathed, enveloped, initiated, completed, obscured, found, coddled, maintained, destroyed.

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

and

maybe, just maybe, this

is all a

joke, played by hands of higher deed...

~Kleptomaniac--looking up all the facts. evaporating the green smoke stacks.

Love,

Digress                               (give ME three wishes)

Upon Hearing of Another Death Last Night

Everything stops for a moment - my vision is blurred by the wall of heartbreak that is threatening to fall. Struggling to finish reading the screen, I take a deep breath and I fall to my knees. Fighting - trying not to let the wall be broken - but it hurts so bad that no wall could withhold it. Like glass the wall is shattered and heartbreak streams down my face. Banging my fists on the ground and heaving in sobs - how could his young life be so quickly robbed? Face down on the floor drowning in the puddle of hurt that has surrounded me – treading, but giving up - it's getting too hard to breathe. Drawing in my knees so close, I hug them tight, feeling that there is no hope. I squeeze my eyes shut - trying to make this all go away... It's not working, it's not working - it's like a never ending bad dream, except this isn't a dream it's reality. A reality that is too present in my life. This can't be real. This can't be happening. Not again. Not another one - Lord don't do this to me. I can't take it again, the hurt is just too much. Aren't you supposed to show compassion and love? My figures increase no matter how hard I fight it - by adding this one - that puts me at eight. A number I wish could be subtracted by eight. My heart can't take this kind of pain anymore - there's no longer enough of it to even be torn. Picking myself up, I crawl across the floor, not stopping til I look up and turn - my back now against the door. Trying to convince myself that my heart is liar, the sorrow cascades down from my fading blue sapphires. Hours go by and I glance at the clock - It's early in the morning, the time's a bit after 2 o' clock. Tears still are still flowing so I bury my face in my hands......this can't be happeneing to me again.

The Unfamiliar

I’ve got it all figured out, here inside of my head. I’m gonna leave this town with nothing but the shoes on my feet and the bag that’s packed at the foot of my bed. By the time anyone realizes that I’m gone, I’ll be long gone – out of their sight - nothing but dust and the familiar behind me. Leaving behind the memories that have caused me nothing but pain – saying goodbye to the many reputations I have gained. No more being judged by the happenings of my past – no more waiting for the love from those who should love me first and foremost but don’t – among others in their lives, I am loved last. Getting away from all who have hurt me and torn my heart apart – carelessly they took it – broke it – gave it back to me a less completed heart.

It’s time.

I’m leaving everyone who knows anything about me in my rearview mirror. I’ll be nothing but a forgotten, given up on, prayer. The only thing ahead of me is everything I’ve never known. People who know nothing about me and can’t judge me based on my past – they won’t know me, who I’ve been, or who I want to be… they won’t have a previously known reputation about me, so I can be whoever I want to be. I don’t want anywhere I've been or anything I know – as long as it’s somewhere else – I don’t care where I go. The only thing in front of me is the car that isn’t driving fast enough that I want so desperately to pass – oh and the trees flying by, along with the not-so-green-Colorado grass. What road will I take and where will it lead? I’m not so sure, but a one way trip is all I’m going to need. A one way trip to I don’t know where – just as long as it leads me to nothing but the unfamiliar.

smallest love

Can we really saw that love is all you need to make it does it really out rule the cash money the cash to pay for all your sh*t is love money love hurts its never a doo hurt till you truly know what love hurts which heart and whos heart do you make her cry when you leave the room do you laugh at her when she is not around is there really no love at all because you say it and you dont believe it you just say it because it was what she wanted to hear you are a fool for telling her and you know its wrong a man loves a woman and and woman loves a man and you never will understand no love at all is better then sad love and mad love and no love no love is better then love at all you are going to be a poor old man with that ugly hat in your hand with no where to go and thats too bad you sir are truly troubled and its a short fall to your own hell a little bit of love is less then no love at all and i may believe that.......till it shows till it scream though your heart and you bleed my name i wont tell you the turth about him till you tell me the truth about your love its a question of the future your secrets follow you and ruin what i HAD for you period

On Wanting

You should say it everyday to have a happy one
I do it in spite of that
I always say it
and mean it
it's the thing to say when leaving
and upon first seeing you
after a long time
Saying it makes me weaker
and you stronger
causing me to wonder
who will stay this way longer
most don't feel this forever
but hope to...
It is the great human want
It is so much easier going in
than leaving it behind
because a failed one might
remind me of who I am
and how I we you failed
We tie esteem to this dream
and feel incomplete until
we achieve
One
where they don't leave

where

scared yes

nervous no

confused maybe

l

o

s

t

never

angry no

worried

why

never running

losing(myself)

to you

fighting

my fears

all i wanna be is honest

but sometimes the line between honesty and fallacy gets stepped over and faded and erased altogether. sometimes what i feel can hurt so bad while sounding so good

and

this is the part where i run and

breathe

I'm always waitin'

Wasn’t I waitin for the unexpected?
I always am…
I’m waiting on you to take a turn for the first
Stop being your comfortable worst
You’re so suburban-hard like mayonnaise
And in deep like a rat in a maze
Eatin and drinkin
the things you believe in
line your pocket
tiny and limited
Your morals fit in a first-love locket
No picture there
just the short list
You live by
simply chalk it up to
The world being against you
Poor you the only thing you have more
Of than self pity is more of you
And what about the her of you?
You use her and lose her and
Wonder why you have a rep
And she sits alone as empty as your conscience
While they blame her for what you did to her
So smile for the camera it’s as fake as your hair
Why do peers hate on you? So strange
How next year you are only a boy again
And she’s just a girl until she gets played
Again
I’m shakin my pen to make more ink
And wonderin why I’m wastin it on you
You don’t deserve me and Karma
Is gonna show that’s true
Pose-ter boy
Of unoriginality and immorality
You can’t even see you

Being in a Relationship

Sorry but my printer was giving me a ride today but my brother overslept and my jump drive got stuck in my friends backpack that he left in the library—not our library the other one we always go to when I have to work and take care of my sister at youth group but my teammates will tell you we practiced till eight and then my dad said I had to mow the lawn and I hit the dog with the mower and we spent the whole night in emergency room because my mom fainted when she got a call about my tardy could you fix that for me cuz I can’t drive my new car till you do and my mom sent you an email about how we can raise my grade and I need an A to get in college and my mom said she will call that in and besides I was absent so I get four days to turn that in and I swear you didn’t tell us that last week and I wasn’t here so if it was on the board I would have missed it anyway and could you write me a letter of recommendation for college and I need it by Tuesday and do you have that late work I turned in graded yet cuz I need it to raise my grade or I can’t play this week and mark it down if you want to cuz I don’t care anyway and I don’t know why you gotta make such a huge deal over a tardy anyway and the policy is gay and we should be treated with more respect anyway cuz we’re seniors hello so what if of my shirt has a beaver or a beer bottle and my eyes are blitzed and I roll in smelling like smoke cuz if you don’t like it then don’t breathe and I don’t gotta give no one respect till they give it to me cuz it’s all about me and fine I just won't talk

Reflections on a Monday when the Lord comes to Town

here then gone that's you
here then here that's me
blaming the world that's you
looking in the mirror that's me
but but but but and and and and that's you
been you seen you knew you know you that's me
pissed frustrated fearful done sorry full waiting that's us
shut up and write

Objectives

lean on me to lend to you a piece of honesty,

-Never forget that i chew razors of pithy words-

, On the tip of my tongue and on the point of my pen

there will be no dearth; there will be more than you anticipate (harsh as well)

And you will fall remorseful.  i will remain apathetic.

-i might have compassion sometimes, 

but not when it comes to this.-

~And i ask myself; Can i get the point across in seven lines? and i ask you; what do you anticipate?

Love,

Digress.

P.S. SOMETHING is coming... i dread it, but look forward to ITS arrival.

Class

We don't want to hear your excuses, s***. happens.
You hold up a stack of tardy slips. ha.

Want matters to you, matters to me
You want social acceptance, ironically I want the same

The bland modernism of monotone in your voice
gives me the decision to never speak in your calss again.

I will write, I will be silent, but I will yell.
Screaming my silence through words

the humor, I am begining to write

I Want This

I want this.
I want this more than anything.
I close my eyes,
I want this to be real, not just a dream,
I want this more than I wanted that passing grade,
more than I wanted my life to end when all seemed lost.
But why?
Why do I want this?
I want this for all the wrong reasons.

I want this so that revenge may be taken,
maybe not revenge,
but payback,
for what I've been going through.

I want this so that it may be realized how it has effected me,
I want this so it'll be obvious enough for anyone to see.
I want this because it will open up a pair of eyes.
I want this to be real,
I want this to be the truth,
I want this to happen -
so I can grow away from my old roots.

I want this to happen so I might be shown love -
a love that's never been shown to me before.
Maybe even a love that won't end with my heart torn.
I want this because he doesn't care what he's done,
I want this, even though it was more his fault than it was mine.
I want this so that he will finally have consequence for his actions.

I want this because it's the unexpected.
I want this for all the wrong reasons.
I want this because it's a challenge I haven't yet faced.
I want this because with my fears I will be interlaced.
I want this so that my stress would ease...
or would it just ease my mind?

If wanting this is wrong, then I'm wrong, not right.
I want this to prove that I can and will win this fight.
I want this so that my life would be changed for the better.

I want this.
I want this more than anything.
I open my eyes...
into a dream turning into reality.

I've Got Friends Out There

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

just like last
night and just like
all those other
times, spent playing
those god awful video
games
with these people;
people i've come to
loathe for their lack of reason
and lack of
disease.
sure.
they've had their share of
sicknesses, but
nothing like: my sickness.
my yearning
for routes that
travel past your globes
and into your follicles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
they're not searching for
what i've been sent on this
earth to find.
they're looking for
instant gratification
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and i can't quite remember
what my heritage is.
am i alien? or am i
subnormal?
there's something else
there in my soul.
if i have a soul
but, i'm
just the new kid
on the block
looking for social divinity
and a beauty beyond the
back sides of slats
with plaster pushed through
and paint on the exterior:
i'm looking for a new New Orleans
a rebirth of modern culture
a purchase of territory for
$00,000,000.03 per cubic
MILE
i'm seeking the fresh
water whales of reservoirs
all across this flat planet
i'm looking for a new world
inside of this word
i'm looking for
the hidden messages
trapped inside the
dark lines that make
these letters that are
going into your
eyes right....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}
i'm looking to kiss
machiavelli;
that's my
aim.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}
now.

~no beat poet. no song. fighting poet.

Love,
Digress

P.S. I remember Travis, from ACORN. sleeze-lo-eze.

evermore

Shhh, I can hear your heart
beat
my head on your chest I can feel your pulse
race
and I do. but I don't.. and I'm not sure
...you feel it

e
v
e
r
y
thing
about
you
is beautiful

my vocabulary...
fails me
no description suits my purpose:
to create your image

hush now...
I wanna hear your heart
*beat*

Newsflash

Boogie is published in this issue of Teen Ink. Rock on.

http://teenink.com/Community/article.php?link=Past/2007/September/21618.xml

Wooden Planks Are My Floorboards

; careful,

there's a big world out there
it waits for you so it can scare
a test it brings to your door
to prove you can walk this floor

; CAREful,

a sigh in the back room
as forced you to your doom
face the fear as you explore
ancient words of forgotten lore

; careful,

walking in the dark wasn't a thrill
until the last man came with a pill
heightening senses, destroyed prudence
leaving you alone along the wall to reminisce

; careFUL,

this door leads to death
labled life full of health
down the hall is the saddle
and the stairwell you travel

; CareFull,

the kitchen is closed
alchemists twiddle their toes
with pots and pans
full of destructive plans

; careful,

evaporation comes quickly
so gather ye victory
prepare for the ejection
by producing protection

; CAREFUL!

watch the seas collide
your health you imbibe
keep the secrets to yourself
for i cannot keep them on my shelf

; Caution.

wear sunscreen and utilize listerine
do not hit and run from the scene
hold the flame away from face
always season to taste


~Not like the old days. its a little darker now, its a little colder too.

Love,
Digress.

Plans and Extemporaneousness

Cletis the Orphan
looks into the
eyes of those who pass
right on by
without looking into
his longing eyes

Cletis the Orphan
speaks with no
modern language techniques
in fact, he never uses any form
of interjections

Cletis the Orphan
is a mangy mess of
a ragamuffin; dirt on his face
no bathing occurs in his life
;he is as skinny
as he is houseless

Cletis the Orphan
is 8 years old with
no parents; for they
died in a terrible flash
flood-
he's hungry, never knows
where his next meal will
come from

Cletis the Orphan
is in love
with putt][putt golf
he saves change up until
he can go to a course to
putt][putt][putt the night
away

Cletis the Orphan
will become the next
Tiger Wood of professional
putt][putt golf
if the stars keep
staying in lines
;if the chains stay
linked to the future

~Barbed wire dreams. a cut in my side, and i can't sleep with your pride.

Love,
Digress.

Over The Rail

Cold rails with dirt in between, nothing but darkness up ahead.
Staring into the silence, I can’t help but think that with life I am so upwardly fed.
Looking for answers in the leagues that lie before me –
I can’t find any, at least none that are within my reach.
What do I do? Where do I go? I need some answers. I feel so alone.
There are no answers to be seen ahead of me,
but what about to my left?
As I turn my head to the left,
I see a small light in the distance.
Is this my answer? My flicker of hope?
Every few seconds the small light becomes less small –
almost as if it is inching its way towards me.
Bigger and bigger, my flicker of light is no longer a flicker –
but a blinding light that’s moving ever closer.
I panic – look to my right.
What answers lie that way?
All I see is the never ending darkness that I stared into before.
I look down to see the rails that should be rusted by my tears –
they lead me to the right –
away from the light.
Is this my answer? Or just a glimmer of anticipation?
Where do the rails lead me though?
I look again to my left only to realize the light is growing.
My heart starts to pound.
To the right I can run –
the rails will lead me somewhere that I can forget everything.
Along these rails I can run away for miles.
Run! Run!! Run!!!
I keep telling myself to run away – run from everything.
Go to the right and I can run away from all that’s going on.
I start to run – but I stop a few paces out.
Will running away really solve anything?
I turn back.
Blinded by the light – now a spotlight on me –
I stand there in fear.
Maybe if I don’t move it’ll all be okay – I won’t hurt anymore.
Once more, tears begin rapidly falling down my face –
my thoughts getting lost in the black branches being created.
I cannot move – I am stuck there – frozen – not knowing which way to go.
Which answer is the right one?
The one to the right or the one to the left?
Or is it the one that lies ahead?
Take one step to the right and run away from it all,
or take one to the left and not have to worry about it anymore?
Then there’s that third step I can take –
the one over the rail into the never ending darkness
where finding answers I before failed.
Only seconds to think and even less to act –
there is only one answer –
because help within the two others I would lack.
I close my eyes,
hoping not to once again fail,
stepping into the darkness –
I stepped over the rail…

This Place

Get me out of this hell hole
I ready to explode,
This place is a joke.
I have no life of reason.

I cant h o l d myself

t
o
g
e
t
h
e
r

Someone save me from myself.
This life never seemed so long.
Each day brings nothing.
Rescue me from hell,
From the place they call "so close"
From the scary monster that hides
underthebed.
These thoughs run through my head
OVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERAND
OVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERAND
AND
AND
AND
AND
Tell me everything going to trun out alright.
Tell me that im dreaming,
Wake me up from this nightmare.
Please come find me.
Please come back here.
Come get me from this hell hole,
The place
This place
This room that
That I am
That I am supposed
Supposed to
Call
Home

Veiled By Black Lace

What is this thing called life?
Supposedly a miracle at the start?
The miracle of life - on it's own - a beating heart.
What kind of miracle is that?
It's no miracle at all, as a matter of fact.
It's a life ruiner, a dream stopper too,
a goodbye to the future, a hello to the colors of pink or blue.
One night is all it takes, to change the course of life forever,
a night of fun, not meant to be a life wrecker.
Margaritas in and out of my hand like a bouncing ball,
I had enough - that was my final call.
Sweet words were said in persuasion,
I was stubling all over - he knew my situation.
Still pursuing - linking hands - a kiss on the cheek,
I couldn't fight anymore - I was just too weak.
When morning came, he kissed me goodbye -
promising a call, and then dinner and a movie -
he gazed into my eyes and smiled.
There was no call, or a dinner and a movie,
only a broken promise in the air forever lingering.
Weeks passed - weeks of me crying.
Crying - wondering why he wasn't trying.
He left me high and dry - to fend for myself -
the pain flowing through me - rich in wealth.
To find out that I was just "the girl" of the week,
and that he had a new "me" every week,
it tore my heart out -
he said that he was different -
and I believed him - having no doubt.
But here I am writing down my story as usual,
not sure what to make of what's going on.
Jagged black branches forming across my face,
although the tears are falling faster than normal,
forming a black veil of lace.
This veil covers a face; my face.
A face that shows nothing but confusion and hurt -
watching life pass her by,
as she doesn't know what to do with it,
and doesn't want anything to do with hers.

a bit extensive but it's real

And love is that simple sweet rhythm that only the lucky ones feel. It's the pounding heart, the rush of blood to your ears because...do I look the part? It's the migration of thoughts to emotions to a faith you can touch. It's never wanting to look away, only wishing we knew how to say...all the beats and pulses and jumping we feel, the butterflies in the tummy feeling that used to be bad. And I...what does it mean to be sad? Because you forget anything that doesn't remind you of their smell, a touch of skin(s), "good-night"s that end with "good morning beautiful"s. Love feels like walking by a lilac bush with a summer breeze holding your hand, and if you could ride a shooting star or remember your first tw0-wheeler bike or drink strawberry milk every day...that's what love is like. It's like losing your breath, not knowing quite why. It's loyalty and devotion and an undying desire to smile at the thought...of...a single person. It's incredible that another, one other, human being can make me, us, feel so many...feelings I never knew we had. It's giggling at ice cream dripping down a chin making polka dots on his ever-so-plain bright white t-shirt. It's forgetting to care what your hair looks like for popcorn, movies, and sweats nights. It's never-minding that I look silly in his hat, only caring that he thinks I'm cute. Love is how I become taller, stronger, wiser and quiet(er?) (because who needs lips to tell what eyes can show?) It's making cookies and brownie batter wars, super-soaker sneak-attacks and laying on (real) grasslaughing until it hurts. It's not wanting to fall asleep because you don't need to escape like dreamers do. And love is raspberry chocolate left on my tongue, velveteen lips and brand-new painted toe nails. Love is your quirky idiosyncrasies out in the open; it's black ties and flip-flops and guitar solo love melodies. Love is trust. Love is penetrating stares. Love is beauty unprecedented. And love is...and love is...everything you never thought you'd find (but you want to, you have to) and being scared but excited but unsure but giddy all at once because...LOVE is.

Dead.

i don't know if anybody's out there to hear me
but i do know that everybody in the world is a zombie
walking around, seeking cranial nutrition aimlessly
the guy who seems to sleep on the other bed is a discrepancy
he looks human but his face is full of zombie traits
blank and lacking thought when he acts awake
little does he know that late-late at night, i don't sleep, i wait
he'll arise in his dream state with eyes searching for life to take
knowing that i've been there waiting, remaining awake
preparing for the moment that my life he will take
but i won't go out that quick i won't let his presence stick
i'll stay awake until the morning arrives
once it does i'll sleep through class knowing the zombies won't try
to walk into my room and suck my brain out through my eye
and the morning star awakes and i become a new being
revolving around the thoughts and actions of sleeping
i snore and at dusk i'll rise
waiting again for the zombies to try

~Overwhelming fear of zombies. overwhelming co-dependancy.

Love,
Digress' panel of insecurity and hysteria.

Wake Up

You are...my chiped nails.

You are...my unpainted toes
for every season.

You are...my crucked crown toe ring,
on my left foot.

You are...my spakler
on the fourth of july.

You are...the hop
in my step.

You are...my bitter sweet
alarm.

Don't be the last one
to wake
me
up.

Ride

I am...your unfinished ride
ready to be rebuilt.

I am...its first paint job
since easter.

I am...grand opening.

I am...the highlight in the newspaper
your interview.

I am...

I won't be its first
breakdown.

the pianist

This is the building I call home
yet no bed occupies the space
I see no pictures of babies or siblings or pets
there's no trace of me here...

In this great wide expanse of earth and learning and people
I feel lost
I feel squashed
I am small

Yet in this single structure I am
alive
whole
....calm

A spirit of greatness is ever present
and I feel it penetrate my soul
as I play

I am a musician, an artist, a magician

the notes sing (words you and I don't know)
the sound is rich
the plink plink of the notes heals my pain
and I

......find peace

Bright Eyes, And A Beautiful Soul.

eyes bright- she undresses
her soul, right there
before my eyes
i [hissss- buzzzzz]
am attracted
i [hissss- buzzzzz]
fall victim of her beauty
and i [hisssss- buzzzzz]
connect with her lips

i feel the [hissss
...................... buzzzzz]
of our electric connectivity
and our analogue attraction
jokes, stories and experience
not to mention the desire of.......

for her a million kisses couldn't
quite capture how much
i [hisssss- buzzzzz] care
for her
nor could they replace me
when i'm [a
.................way] for weeks at a time
[ticktocktick tock tick.....tock]
time counts down until the next
...................................................Kiss....................................

PPPHHMMMMMAAAAAUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!


~Will you remember the days, placed in nooks, and laying on beds? while the music still plays.


Love,
Digress.

Looking for puddles

He looks at it, planning it, forecasting it.
He bites down hard on his lip, staring and glaring at it.
But I don’t look at it like he does. I look at it and smile and giggle a little
I look at you and ask you how beautiful it is, and see you smile.
We would both take off our coats,
that makes us the same,
But he would hand you his, put it over your shoulders, and rush you to his car
Pulling you out of the way of puddles.
He’ll tell you to hurry into your house,
And get out of it,
He’ll tell you it’s bad, it’s a bad night.
I wouldn’t hand you my coat,
unless you asked for it.
I would drop it on my porch, and walk you to the street.
Then I would smile at you, and tell you that you were right
It is beautiful.
And then I would race you home, letting you splash me with all the big puddles
(even if I see them first).
And maybe then I would stand with you in your front yard,
And tell you how beautiful you are.
And maybe then you won’t want to go into your house,
You won’t want to get out of it.
And maybe you’ll tell me that it’s a good night
It’s the best night.

Minor Scrapes and Brusies

i wake up in this hospital bed
white lights flashing, i can't grip my head
things swivel and fade out of sight
i don't know if this is day or night
i'm chained down with stress written on my face
what is this place? or is this a phase?
doctors rush in and attempt to control my sense
its not gonna work, the injuries are too intense
blood shoots from here to there, but no pain felt
i'm doped up with drugs that keep me from hell
i fade back to black, creating a prison cell

i can't believe i'm right here
injured but still able to think clear
i can't believe i'm still here
injured but able to feel the fear
i can't believe that you're here
injured but you survived

back on the road to life
i'm heading away with my girl in the seat
she's got her mind on the heat
miles more to go, and we can get off the street
out the car and we can feel our hearts beat
the traffic clears and i push the pedal down
i feel like we're traveling faster than sound
it starts to rain so i slow up, as not to drown
she seems relieved by the looks of things
downhill we go right toward our dreams

i can't believe i'm right here
injured but still able to think clear
i can't believe i'm still here
injured but able to feel the fear
i can't believe that you're here
injured but you survived

crashes and screams surround my nightmare themes
all around, no escape, i can't move nor wake
finally i pull up the courage to escape
eyes open and lock on hers as she begins to shake
gets up and walks away from the incident
i'm on pavement red with blood and an unusual tint
me and shattered glass go looking for my consequence
paramedics scrape me up and put me in the ambulance
faces fade to black and i'm in a state worse than trance

I just can't believe you survived
i can't believe you'll stay at my side
injured your perfection
you must have been ejected the proper direction
i just can't believe you still love me
can't believe you don't want to flee

~Bravery in certian circumstances.

Love,
Digress.

Looking for something you can feel; something you can hold

As long as everyone is writing about love, this was the first paper i wrote for my creative writing class up at CU.

Love rides a little lopsided, with scratched here and there,
Built up from the wear and tear, when times seemed to tough to bear.
It’s the click and a clack in your heart,
And the slow steady dark, when forgiveness is given to start,
And two souls meet and set a mark.
Love is tested, and chipped and scratched,
But still radiating precision cuts, designed to last.
It’s the taste of too many hands, to many tears,
And the barrier of years, breading those moments of absolutely no fears.
Love is like a motionless memory, and a persevering remedy.
It’s those moments at night when the light is right,
And the cold chill bites, and breathing isn’t right, your chest squeezes tight.
Love is a sigh of relief, when you suck a breath deep
And your nose to your lungs feel the wintergreen heat.
So what is love?
Love is when you aren’t scared to die, cause you’ll never be more alive

Oh and Leyba, i have a sweet creative writing intro to show you next time i come down, or ill email it or something if i can find a scanner

brave

hips grinding and drunken mistakes
it's like a movie with no good outtakes
breathing for the intake and feeling for the heartache
blindly, we all watch for the pagebreak

find a good excuse to pass that bottle
press the gas and 'blip' that throttle
stupid ass decisions, head-on collisions
you do it to yourself

sorry i'm not happy
let me apologize for myself

love is...

and love is this pensive passionate indignant way we convulse in the dark
something to hold dear and talk about our relations when your back did arc
so blindly did you follow, so long were you docile
indoctrinated by the world that you thought would never again revolve
keep the clarity clear and the hallucinations on call
you'll never again be able to feel a feeling like his enveloping arms
wrapping your body with decomposing promises he fed to the charms
they eat with impunity of your indicative nature you produce with alarm
aftermath rises from your broken tears that shatter the sky in revolving times
clock hands shifting slowly while we miss each others broken insanity
lingering here in your shadow of the decisions you made hastily
a whole new comparison for your hopeful interactions with vacancy
will keep me here in my position; a wall away from your divinity
give me one kiss and i'll give two back that's really all i ask


~No give backs. love plays for keeps.

Love,
Digress.

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS

its just the first week and i'm sick of how bad you suck
give me the letters and empty your brain on my stuff
going slowly insane is my only occupation
alone in a room with vestiges of the intimidation
no mental preparation and not a hint of inclination
to meditate or move on my own fate, i'm acting out of state
placed for the first time in a challenging situation
never before have i faced this sort of self-degradation
hate myself for not living myself, and being overcome with information
tell me once more how i can avoid this discouraging sensation

well the wind's at my back but i hold clenched fists
I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS
walking through the visions of the mistakes on my wrists
I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS
well the wind's blowing me down and i'm off your list
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO F****NG KNOW THIS

I want to say thank you to the lovers that i miss
for being there with me through all my life's twists
but not paying enough attention while i clench my fists
grab a razor this ink is the same as cuts lining my wrists
i want to evaporate and never come back again
just because i can't seem to find people who relate to my slain
don't you see this life is full of pain? but they're blind and vain
its been a long time since i've been on the verge of crying
and this life is taking me to that crime
bottled feelings seem to be my soul's protection
it seems like now i'll never find my life's proper direction

well the wind's at my back but i hold clenched fists
I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS
walking through the visions of the mistakes on my wrists
I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS
well the wind's blowing me down and i'm off your list
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO F****NG KNOW THIS

i confide in myself for not loving myself, and live in regret
the kids down the hall seem to love each other willingly
i'm whisky drinking with no support from their calamity
sitting all alone never felt so alone with this death grip of my past
it was the lovers that i wish my apathy could outlast
not again will i be able to look with a straight face
strewn about because right now i can't keep a pace
i've got my own brand new place, bottom of the list
bottom peg, forced on the last shelf, and i start with myself
paranoia and insanity breeding in my northern region hell
i'm burning rubber to get out of here, but i'm going nowhere.
burning rubber to evaporate, but this is my fate.

well the wind's at my back but i hold clenched fists
I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS
walking through the visions of the mistakes on my wrists
I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS
well the wind's blowing me down and i'm off your list
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO F****NG KNOW THIS

~Roughly cut, my prision is...

Love,
Digress.

Setting:
He plays his heart out,
With everything at hand,
He asks him self what this is about,
Its always the same pain,
Magic happens with-in his skin,
Though he has no one to blame,
He l i v e s for his music,
With out that he would die,
His only passion,
Though some aren't his fashion,
He fancy's his voice,
He has no choice,
He plays for me,
As he comes to see,
I know what he really means.
He screams his emotions,
With every living
devotion.
Delievring the effect of life,
The meaning to his past,
And our pleasnt future.
Again he strums,
He drums,
I wink,
With in
one
split
blink.
Reality.

the first days

sitting here in this little room makes me miss colorado
and my mom
and the snow
and a palm trees isn't quite the same as a colorado blue spruce
growing up is one of those things that everyone does
but i feel so alone
it's one of those things that'll pass
but right now
i need familiarity
so i'm coming to a place i know
to feel lonely

Black Branches, Colored Carpets, and Buttprints in the Sand

Memories not wanting to be forgotten
are falling down my face,
followed by relationships
I don’t want to leave behind.
Creating jagged branches of black
that spread across my face
then descend to the floor,
staining the once white carpet.

Who gets white carpet anyways?
It only gets dirty and worn.
Black.
Now that’s more like it.
No need to hide my life stains –
they just blend in.
Maybe blue carpet,
to hide my tears of sadness,
or red to hide the nights of pain;
maybe a fading pink,
from the nights my heart felt so brutally slain.
And green to hide my envy
of who he was with instead of me.
Purple carpet to hide all my restless nights
or all my broken dreams
that might as well have been artificial;
or perhaps carpet the color of an orange rose,
to hide the tears I shed
desiring to be good enough for once.
Colors I wish were there,
so my life stains weren’t visible
for everyone to see.
But I’m stuck with white –
showing all that I’ve gone through -
my jaded innocence.

Grazing my hand across my face,
I smear the black branches
into streaks of uncertainty;
sheets of tears continuing down,
making the streaks of uncertainty
start to droop and deform –
once again re-organizing
into a tangled mess of jagged,
this time broken,
black branches.

I’m back where I started,
no further ahead,
but maybe a little further behind;
tears fearing the unknown
still falling from my eyes.
I’ve got no where to hide them
as they fall gracefully,
discoloring where they land.
I fear where I’m going,
even more that I’m going no where,
and just making buttprints in the sand.

One more party

And its broken hearted industy
Brake lights bleed so invisibly
Stuck inside your tyrany
And all you do is stare at me
Cause im so scared of what we could be
And wish that you could see
Just wish that you could see..

And we tried to fall apart
both broke are hearts
And whenever we start
We fall just off the mark
Twice lost in the dark
Broke unable to start
Still wanting to start

What happens when the song ends
Cause I can see, its to strong to bend
Ran out of all your strength to lend
The pen break again
And we’re both hurt again

i've said it before

just before i say goodbye i wanna say thanks
thanks for watching me grow
and letting me show
a new side of me

thanks for being you,
unafraid to be true,
and showing me that new...
can be beautiful

thanks for seeing me for me
and helping me believe
in who me could be

so many more things to thank you for...
but you know i'm (not?) one for many words
so here i wanna say "thank you"
most sincerely
and goodbye
and i'll miss our 7 o'clock talks

~peace out, b.b.b.b.
from the b.b.e.

heaven

On the counter
A little slice of heaven
Just for me

16 Hours Straight

i don't know if you know
but i've been watching from afar
and i don't really comprehend why you'd do
such a pitiful thing

i don't know if you know
but i've been watching from up close
attempting to deliberate who and what
needs you more

i don't know if you know
but i've been watching from right here
and if you ever try to cross paths
then i'll have to explode with impunity

i don't know if you know
but just the shape of your face
has been driving me insane
we have become enemies

i don't know if you know
but these last twenty four hours
have housed my distrust for you
and i realize once again, you are a rat

i don't know if you know
but there's something i need to tell
you're an ass and you have no class
some think it is, but i don't think its funny

i don't know if you know
but i'm about three inches away
from cutting all ties, friendship and all
beacuse you don't control yourself.

~I assume its natural to get sick of people. but who truely knows what nature is?

Love,
Digress.

Rearrange

I can smell your skin on mine.
I need protection.
Its personal.
Time to grow up Maegan.
Wake up,
Make up,
No more baby steps.
Theres no happy ending
yet
is there.
You're no more playground time.
I need you.
Yet
This has nothing to do with you.
Grow up.
Grow up.
Though im a mear 18,
Cant I be six again?
If there is a tear
drop
under my eye,
(Big girls dont cry).
If there is heart ache in
sight,
(I fake a smile)
It makes me shiver
to
the
bone.
You know
You know
You know
I never
c
r
y.
But baby,
My hearts a virgin
it aint
ever
been tried.

like pages from a book

It was a beautiful crash,
me
into you
all the colors and shattered explosions that erupted
like a volcano, unstoppable and phenomenal
It was indescribable
me
with you
the passionate and insatiable, ever-amplifying
hunger

It's a shame, really...
me
without you,
us
without us
Who knows...maybe you were(are) my prince charming

my [your] baggage

what i wanted to say
you took me all away
with those words
i couldn't read write or breath
you feed me all your lies
beneath the sky
lies the one you knew before.
you left me here
fearing for yourself
the friendship that we have lost
you just tossed it all away
makes me wonder
how much is under
all the baggage
you left with me to stay.


-i have returned.

still not everything i want to say, but it'll do for now

what do you say when your mind is blocked
when the letters won't go
together
to form words that just won't flow
in eachother

how can i long for a person
who was there when i didn't care
how can i miss a place
i came from, ran away from
how can i lose my ability to speak
to you, about you

and me


this isn't a silly infatuation
it's a true emotion
,like a convulsion
of my heart

and now,
i want you to hold me, i want to know if i'm on a one-way street...but i kinda don't care.
because i remember what it's like
to have a best friend
i miss what it's like

I Remember Her

i once fell in love with a girl

i was working at the time
she was ordering
a bowl of something
i don't know
i was cleaning
i locked eyes with her
and i fell in love with her for her brown hair
and gorgeous face
deep eyes that reflected light in perfect
kaleidoscope effects
she looked back at me with the same longing
i wonder if she knows how much she scared me
maybe i scared her back... i don't know
but we caught sideways glances at each other
every once in a while
while she was eating
and i was preparing food
leaving my station to
catch glimpses of her
she was with her family
and hard to approach
tactfully
then
in an instant
she was gone
i wonder what happened to her
who she was
what she was
if she even looked at me with the same longing
i still remember her.

~I don't know what to do with myself.

Love,
Digress.

Hi humans, I'm back in the desk again. I read over 2,000 pages in June and I will exceed that in July. Enough about me. Here are some pics. My original room was HO-rif-fic! I/we now have an apartment.

what comes next

It's easier to let go when you've changed
hurts less, painless, effortless
But I saw you once and you're the same old you
and so these feelings inside got rearranged

We heard that song in the car and we both smiled
cuz what's better than a memory that's been stored away and filed
It's too late to go back and what's the point in moving on
when we don't want to

Screw the rules about cheating
hearts
I hate settling
I won't be complacent I won't be content I won't...
forget about you

Me and you, we go together like one and two
right next to one another
like someone placed us there
said 'that looks good right there'


So we dance this one last number
we hold each other tight
Something about it is forbidden
something wrong about this right


you feel so right

Perhaps it is I who should be asking....

What Now...

I'm lost again
I thought this would mend
But, you see, there's something there
Some part of me with you and you with me

Two years plus one to the day
Yet I remember like yesterday
the way we would play
And now it has been so long since I've seen you smile
Such a long while since that beautiful smile
I saw it again and the world got brighter
I was back where I grew
Back in what I knew

But I should be mad, should I not?
A broken heart is what I got
Words of apology come readily
They fill a tare and your smile begins to ware

It's too easy to forgive and it frustrates me
Can you see I don't know who I want to be?
And you say you miss the view
the reason too
And I miss you
So I'm torn in two
I don't know what to do

You run in my mind as these days get so long
And you're in every song
I play in my head things that used to be
And I'm confused, see, cuz you were never one for complacency
That's not who you used to be

So I sit, again, thinking thoughts to send
All I think is I thought this would mend
And I want to see you again.

A glimpse of the class

How do I start to tell you how you have helped me.
Words seem to stall as I struggle to write what should have been said.
You taught me to use my words and make them flow in a sense more meaningful.
In comparison to others I am a novice.
Yet in my words you have shown me something more.
Both seem to know the ryhme was not meant to be mine but freeverse is a road I traverse.
Saving that life that seemed like an end where only 'Rescue me' was heard
The time came where I didn't want to move past it where I wanted to know the other where all I could do was make a wish and hope to be
500 words seemed surreal until one wrote about writing, writing that could never be conformity, writing that gave me a window and let me breathe in and create a new story out of a series of questions
Not knowing what my human heart was about I failed to see the memoir that had unfolded even after I read it.
Through it all I listened for a change and through it all I learned that the change was mine
That this change was given to me by the one who inspired my words to flow in different ways.
Thanks Leyba.

Love Is Fugacious

you heard me.

FUGACIOUS

~and that was that.

Love,
Digress.

Perfectly Shattered

I know you say the past is the past,
You shouldn’t live in it,
You should live in the moment – not in the battles lost.
But I can’t seem to do that.
Skeletons in my closet are creeping into the present.
Things that I worked so hard to get rid of,
Now foreshadowing my future.
I'm falling - I’m giving into the lure.
They seem to make me feel unintentionally whole,
When in reality – I am so broken.
I’m broken.
I have been for so long.
Still turning to things
that I know aren’t right – they’re wrong.
When it seems like I finally have everything together at last,
My whole world begins to fall down around me – crash.
I turn to the things that once made me whole,
Knowing they can work again – heal my broken soul.
I gave in.
And every time I’m giving in,
It feels like I’m becoming less-broken,
When really,
I’m becoming less-whole.
It’s like a perfect window
when suddenly hit by a rock
First it hits...
Breaks...
It pauses...
Breaks further...
Pauses again...
Then eventually shatters.
So I’m not broken…
I’m shattered.
Everything I turn to is only a pause in my break;
I’m moving two steps back for every step that I take.
Temporary.
Those are the things I turn to.
I know this, yet it’s still what I do.
Trying to make these things permanent
Instead of finding something real –
Something that will never make me fall.
I can’t find it.
I can’t tell the difference between bringing myself up
And breaking myself even further.
I am not whole.
I am shattered.
And if I am shattered
– broken –
- lost -
Then how am I supposed to give a whole heart?
I don’t have a whole heart to give.
I don’t want to be shattered,
I want to be whole,
But that just doesn’t seem to be the plan right now.
I don’t like who I am.
And if I don’t like me – who I am,
If I’m not content with myself,
If I don’t love, much less like, who I am – who I have become,
Then how can I let someone else fall for me,
When I know that I am incapable of loving them back?
Because love for myself I shamefully lack.
I have no heart to give.
I don’t want someone to give me theirs
And expect something in return,
Because I am not capable.
I am not whole
– but I want to be made whole –
I want to be the pieces of shattered glass
Put vigilantly back into place……
Perfection.
No breaks.
No pauses.
Indestructible.
I will no longer be shattered.
Unspoken.

Don't Call

they're melting
not just wilting
but actually melting
and i watch them
Drip
Drip
Drip
right onto my carpet!
i like that carpet!
GOD SAVE THE CARPET!
if there's one thing you do
in your entire life

save the carpet.

when they drip its so sad
they shudder and shake
with a sound of sonic booms
going off like sirens
and shaking my house
shaking my windows
scaring the cat
and i know its all because of her
all due to the fact
that she had to call me up
just to melt my flowers
so i said
goodbye,
grabbed a watering can
and rushed to the melting
beauties that
had just been abused
by her verbal
assult of her own
alleged friends.

~Friends, do they ever truely exist? i believe so, today was a hot day.

Love,
Digress.

Queen Anne's lace

Forty-five and one-half carefully arranged flower petals keep close watch over the happenings of the backyard. There is a pane of glass that keeps it safe from June, and when January comes the children do, too, and with foggy words the mitten fingers write loose and sloppy sentences in unabashed love and wonder. The red head with freckles keeps close tabs from the sidewalk. Sometimes she crosses her fingers and hopes for the best. And that bouquet in the window seems to pine for the sun, its leaves turn heavenly and press against the glass.It's summer, again, halleluj.

In comes that tender hand and fills a pitcher -- twenty-one uneven drops of water miss the mouth and fall into the bottom of the sink, and coalesce in loose formations that look like continents that never were. Giant bodies of water that touch at the tips and wonder how do, and what's new, and how are those lilies? But those words never quite seem to make it; that hand pours that pitcher like April showers over the flowers and sustains them, and twenty-one drops of water slip silently down the drain. And then there's that distance. And then there's that silence, oh, but goddamn for that silence. And turns the world, again, giant continents speeding toward each other with merciless speed, a cosmic collision of tectonic titans, that wonder as they wander how do, and what's new, and how are those lilies?

And then there's forty-six flowers, and gravity tugs a little bit harder and down comes twenty-two uneven drops of water, pooling in the basin and looking upward as the pane fogs up, and here comes those hands, and that girl on the sidewalk -- older already! -- and we'll cross our fingers this time, and you'll look up at heaven, and goddamn for that distance, but we all love you the same.

why can't i just...

I wish this wasn't something I had to feel
I wish from you my heart I could steal
.....back
How bad I want to see you
It hurts to remember the view
from underneath you
(cuz I want....miss...crave it)

I hear you've become someone new
Transformed, different than the guy I knew
but that's something I won't face
I just won't see you that way, it's not right-falling from grace
I shouldn't judge
but you oughtn't change
The you I love...(d) is the you I miss

don't get me wrong, I'm happy here
but losing you...I more than fear
you were a best friend and I can't let it go
I know you know I won't let it show
We grew we laughed we played and cried
I miss you there to guide (me)
I want your friendship
Isn't it funny how the sides do flip

I'm sorry...I wish I could lie some more
but.....I'm your emotional whore

If you are asking for love, than this is as close as I can get

What I wouldn't give for one more try? One more day, a second in time. Just to smell your smile, and your hand in mine. And I thought it was just regretable, but I can't deny your unforgetable. And it's undenyable that time has pasted to fast for us to be pliable, but I'm still stuck on your smile. And it feels like shit when I forget to forget, even if you quit and I prayed to be over it. So I'm not stuck in a sin, just this sad state you brought me up in, and I swear I would do it again, with these feelings still trapped with in. I try to pass the ball, pretend its not my fault, but that's no better than scrubing in salt, cause it's only half your fault. If you let me go then let me know, cause I ran out of things to hold, just stuck with a ghost and a mold, and words and songs that make me sound to damn bold. Filled with these words I'll never say, and confodence that fades away, and that smile that breaks the rains as I break away.

With my backpack packed and a mark on the map, I'm gonna drive to fast, gonna not look back. Light the night with a blow torch and a match.

Hold up stick your nose up....

laa you

best
friends
love
i hate those
words.
words they are.

meaning:
worse
enemy
hate.
meaning.
meaning what?

honestly:
i
iloveyou
i
ialwayshave
i
ineedyou

you:
dont
b e l i e v e
a
single
word.

truth:
you are
the
ONLY
person
i
cansee
myself with.

confession:
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
love you more

Day

*side note-I finally got a gmail account*

Hello old friend. Where have you been hiding? Perhaps behind a mountain or just beyond the horizon. It is good to see the light you cast. Here on this morn the birds sing to you in greeting and the butterflies come to play. How we have missed you so, dear Day.


~Reikan~

Welcome Back, Summer

this is the summer feeling you were never prepared for
the sinking emotions that drag you below the sculpture
of your stone tablet decadence that you create with these pens
your left all alone now thinking about your friends
when the memories try to laps you fall into a translucent mind
looking right through the activities that you preformed blind
welcome back to the survival rate of individuality
now is the time to pursue a new from of balancing
the time spent alone and the hours spent unnoticed
between liquor lines and high times that were partying motives
in the spring we all feel the essence that summer will bring
but when we're trapped in a summer we see the albatross' ring
a perfect circle with no lucid escape hatch has become the songs we sing
once again we're walking this dead end road
just waiting for a chance to listen to stories we have told

welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak
welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak

this is the time that we walk hand in hand
whispering lies of love we try to withstand
never again will we reach past the stars we have canned
opening the things we see in these dreams we prolong so vividly
the summer brings the death that will keep our lives moving slowly
not enough time is allotted to allow our instinctive reactions to build
swallow your friends with a glass of water and a pill
simple pleasures complicate the season and surely start to kill
the endorphins that have grown into a new form of identity
building us up to destroy this nations hard earned penalty
supporting our right to party like great Gatsby on T.V.
those were the last words of the summer it was speaking
line by line it will process the spectral nights into
NOTHING
after all, that's what we're waiting for
so welcome back to the diner with an open door
a policy of no oppression and an open forum
walk tall and welcome back
i hope your mind is still on track

welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak
welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak


~I hope everybodys' summer is absolutely unmatched in any way. mine is.




~been a long time since i hiped and hopped.

Love,
Digress.

vivo

so beautiful
these heartbeats you make me feel
so inseparable
our souls entwined like fingers of lovers hands
we combust:
react vigorsously with oxygen...produce heat and light:
we are
seen as a flame

nights and stars and bubbles it's poetic
no chalkboard to erase
it's permanent ink...this time
find.no.fault.

i
love you
i
need you