35

I wish I could tell you...
that your anger is misplaced and you are so much better than that
that you are beautiful and those hurtful words will fade with time
I wish you knew that your success is in your hands
and you are so capable
I wish words could explain
how worried I am about your future
such a good kid in such a scary misguided world
stuck in the inbetween

Be yourself.
Please.
Be yourself.

Your innocence is so precious - treasure it
keep throwing frosting and swinging on swings and being grossed out by body parts
When I say "sit safe" I mean "I love you" and "I am watching out for you"
Your intelligence is a gift - treasure it.
Your smile makes my exhaustion disappear - wanna read to me?
When faced with the choice between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Choose the doctor
Replace that swagger with square shoulders and a head held high
Never stop excelling.
Your silence is compelling - it makes your voice sweet and rewarding
Always ask for a hug
discovering yourself is terrifying
but hiding from yourself is much more difficult
Never grow that mean bone
If I could bottle up some of your quirky sunshine
I would carry it in my pocket every day
I hope your judgements of people are always as simple as
"Whoever's name I pull is really weird...or really awesome"
Some people might think You are really weird (but I think you are really Awesome)
Please try - with everything you do, do your best
Keep asking others to play
Choose your friends wisely - beware of "guilty by association"
Never ever call yourself stupid (or at least don't believe it)
Be confident - you have something to contribute, even if you don't know what it is
You are priceless.
You are beautiful.
You are smart, funny, incredible...
You touch my heart daily.

It Is On The Surface.

It rained for days.

And everything was

Wet

Wet

Wet

And

I went and lay down

Face to the sky

Mouth open wide

Rain pouring in

In hopes I would

See the reaper

In the field,

Coming to harvest his

Wheat.

No

Such

Luck.

For I have angered the gods.

~Sad Prayers For Guilty Bodies.

Love,

Digress.

J'ai Pas Peur.

I've been trying to write letters but

All I can come up with are

Callous postscripts and paper cuts.

These messages go un-read in my

Un-sent box.

The tearstained papers with empty passages

Bleed their ink on my desktop.

When I try to wipe up the blood,

The letters I wrote with hallow quills

Stain my hands.

Under these dim lights

The messages creep up and

Re-create themselves

Into the shape of

Sinister post scripts

And you can see on my face

What I forgot to mention.

~Drawers full of broken wings.

Very Truly Yours,

Digress.

Trying to let you go, one last time

Don't blame me for the contradictory after thoughts, they were just the pictures drawn from ill advised connecting dots. You should have guided me as we moved further down the page, but the image meant for happiness now looks more like rage. Easter a year ago, the day you let me go, but every single day that night grows as an obstacle. I hide the cigarette i'm smoking as I'm smoking for your memory, I've just moved it from the hill tops down to the balconies.

Writing has hit a wall, and it's all her fault

Pallor of the Afternoon Sunlight.

We are overexposed

my daydreams have purpose

you unhealthy distraction

I want to exchange embrace

for what is yet to taste

I see the expression on your face

I feel the sensation of your place

I want to be wallet-sized

take me along on your car rides

tell me secrets from your past lives

meet me on my doorstep when you arrive.

~Keeping it simple is very difficult.

Love,

Digress.

Sightful

I'm no stranger to the rain.
The key to mother nature is in reach,
she has given me the key.
My emotions can be seen.
Open your eyes and you will see,
moods wander about the seas.

I am Attracted to Morbidity.

I want to hear the dark

Grimy

Dank

Voice of the underappreciated.

I want to see the morbid

Disconcerted

Languid

Thoughts of the lonely.

I want to feel the strained

Carnal

Sadist

Gaze of gunmetal eyes.

I want to smell the tragic

Ragged

Destructive

Ambivalence of the huddled masses.

I have a sense of lugubrious

Stark

Charred

Anguish for your blood-stained heart.

~I want something that will pull tears.

Love,

Digress.

Purloined Pencils Strewn About

Purloined pencils

Write the best stories.

Tell the best stories.

I have hundreds of pens,

A few pencils, and a few stories

But I didn't steal any of them.

~Arms thrown up.

Serenity now,

Digress.

I wanna write a letter

Dear Writer,

Write a letter.

Remembering You

I'm remembering you
the way a foster kid remembers his first bed
The way an autumn leaf remembers green,
the way tigers in the zoo remember the jungle
Summer nights are so dark between firefly blinks
my heart is dark between the holes you left
remembering you is a smell and a word
a cactus spine i stepped on, stepped through
my heart lost its job when it couldn't pump for you anymore
i don't feel the recession in my bank account
only in my empty chest my empty bed my empty eyes
I see you in my hands lines zigzag and we matched
painted lines on our lines
yours were blue and mine were yellow we put our hands together and we were green
Green.
You promised our baby's room would be green because who wants a typical pink or blue room
anyways?
Said we could name them whatever we wanted and how incredible is that
Remembering you is gravel back yards and clothes drying in the sun
dusty dogs and ravine ditches
our spot was back behind the zoo away from the gardens
you always Sucked at romance
I see you when I close my heart at night
all lips and eyes and those hands that warmed mine
I don't regret you lover, I never could
You took a piece of my heart the way you bit into the first cookie I made you
took a bite said mmmmm baby. i'll keep you around
Sometimes lover, sometimes I miss your ungelled hair
I miss your morning breath waking up to me reading you a picture book
I wish I could frame your smile I'd tattoo it on my heart
You made me bold, we defied that word called "normal"
I tamed your wild when I let you hold me
introduced you to my teddy bear and let you curl my hair
played show and tell all night having flashlight bedsheet tent giggle fits
There's a part of me that went missing the day you left
like sunflowers follow the sun, always facing. facing the light
some days my breath can't find your smile to follow and it falls
falters, breaks, stops
but mostly
I carry my prayer.
Remembering you helps me see their faces better
These kids with scary futures and angry faces
"help me heal"
these babes answer my prayer daily
and you sit and tick tick tick time away
I miss you daily, forget you daily
"break me burn me leave me stranded....."
leave my heart in the mailbox when you're finished

Sunny Afternoons Are

The final tightening turn

of a screw

The sound of the shutter opening on

a single-lens-reflex camera

The steam from freshly-cooked Penne pasta

poured into a colander

The distant whistle of a train horn

while the stars set and the moon dies

Opening the door in the early mornings of September

to find Katydids crawling on your house

The first cut into a rarely cooked

18 oz New York Strip steak

The way your hand fits into mine

as we walk around the park

A white Ferrari in 2nd gear at

8500 RPM

The heart throbs and beading sweat

after a five kilometre run

Purchasing something worth $24,000

in cash

The difference between an Australian accent

and a New Zealand accent

Crisp, light, and cool white sheets

enveloping a body after a long day on the beech

Frogs croaking at midnight

on an idyllic shore

Pulling a friend to the next

bracket of success

Grabbing the gearshift, depressing the clutch, relaxing the throttle,

then pulling down on the knob for a lower gear

Witnessing the master-slave dialogue in

the criticism of an educator

Arriving home to find

a delivered package

~Waiting for shoes.

Love,

Digress.

college is a cover-up for life's lessons

Car rides create thinking time, and so I list things. College life is great life, but real life is hard life. College life has taught me that
all kids have different learning styles and
there is a difference between gender and sex.
but real life, that pain in the (w)hole of my heart, that laughing crying dying never ending story has taught me that
crying doesn't always require tears. and sometimes hurting is the healthiest emotion i can allow myself to have.
physical pain is difficult to overcome but an aching, tortured heart and soul is much worse to endure.
when i love somebody, their pain is my pain.
the unbelievable things that only happen to other people....can and do and will happen to me. and those i love.
it is possible to be honestly happy while in the midst of a genuinely sad and difficult time.
the worst lies i ever tell are to myself.
it is okay to take care of myself. first.
there are people whom i love and who love me in return, but who bring out the worst in me, taking all i have to give and never giving anything in return. these people are the hardest to walk away from.
visiting somebody i love in jail hurts my heart.
sometimes i get chances to willingly walk away from situations that are hurting me. when i choose not to, God steps in and forces those situations out of my life. thankfully.
rediscovering my faith happened the moment i thought i had lost it.
good friends are truly gifts and i am lucky to have them as my foundation. they can be found anywhere.
losing friendships is painful. and inevitable.
being bitter and angry requires more energy than forgiving and moving forward.
being mediocre at something is one of the scariest and most painful feelings. i will never be mediocre if i can help it.
wanting to change is a strong force, but it is a worthless desire without knowing where to start.
breaks from life are necessary and critical. reading is priceless.
the best rewards are never monetary.
love is a thing to be given without bias and without limit.
i want to give all of myself; this is the only acceptable way to live. if i save some for a "later" that never comes i don't want to wonder what could have been.

Nyquil no longer has the same effect, more often than not it's just a momentary set back

You bring in this insanity,

reigning through my semiconscious thoughts.

Breaking down the memories that find their way into my restless dreams.

Stolen away are my haunted nights

and you've replaced them with vivid images of the grey in your eye,

watching as i struggle to understand why your intentions were as bad as you promised they would be.

It infects me.

To the point where lying awake at night without you on the tip of my brain is more painful than thinking of your forehead, and the "what never ever could have been's."

You were the stable disappointment in my sober conscious,

telling me that no matter the day, it would be no better or worse than this dreary, half happy habit we had agreed to call my life.

It's not that I'm sad you are gone from my life,

my dreams just miss their usual demon, and the direction in which it moved me

Icicles drip drip drip as my ice cold heart thaws
right atrium left atrium, ventricles...maybe this is possible
waterfalls from tear ducts
melodies from deep within escape and gallivant across the wind wings
fingertips tiptoe through tactless takedowns
a false prophet i lead my people to a place i don't know
once...once upon a time...what is happily ever after?
teacher teacher please tell me what means hapilee evur ahf tur?
big green eyes freckle nose missing tooth asking
teacher teacher teeeeeaaaaacher!
so many questions lack an answer

Numb

You don't care
It's a passing smile,
a "how was your weekend?"
Desperate thoughts run through an apathetic mind
Cold calculations render emotions and desires useless
Relive me of this mind
Take away my pathetic numbness
And let me feel again.
Here I lay beaten again
Beat down but I can't be out
She's out of my grasp but still within reach.
I won't give this up again.
I can't give this up again.
Please, please help me
God I'm tired but this will take at least one more push.
So here I go, and apathetic push
Toward something I thought I didn't care
But a small taste has given me courage.
Please God let this courage last,
I feel myself going numb again.

A Selection of Devo Lyrics

I've got an uncontrollable urge

something 'bout the way you taste

ain't it true that there's just no doubt

that she's just the girl

I've got a thing for you.

I know what you do 'cause I do it too

he was really mixed up

remember to take time out for fun

some things never change

the reason that I live like this is all because of you.

We're through being cool

twist away those gates of steel

in Mr. B's ballroom

I can't sleep til my baby says it's over

now he's a happy guy.

A sweet romantic place

Who are you and who am I

I'm agitated

and I-I owe-owe you absolutely nothing

use your freedom of choice.

~Swang Swam, down with the ship.

Love,

Digress.

I Want To Be

The dragon tattoo that

wraps up and around your

body,

jets up your

thighs,

chicanes at your

hip,

and crawls diagonally up your

back.

I want to be those claws.

I want to dig into your

skin.

The only pair of shoes you

own

that you

never wear because bare is better;

sitting in your

closet;

waiting for you

to slip me on and tie me up.

I want to be that canvas.

I want to keep those feet warm.

The shelf with all your

books,

novelty items, and pictures of you

too;

empty during your

lonely times;

full during your

good times.

I want to be that wood.

I want to see your

good and bad times.

~Longevity.

Love,

Digress.

I Am Jaded

I can recall the feeling.

It was like an eight month

hang over.

There is little I can

do so

I salute you.

I only wish to do well

by honouring you.

Until then,

I shall turn

away from your grave

with a scrambled heart.

Love,

Digress.

Tomorrow looms

Is it so wrong to feel nothing? I feel no butterflies when we kiss(ed) and I don't want more hugs and I don't giggle-like-a-4th-grade-girl-with-her-first-crush. You crush(ed) me. But only partly, only a little more than I already was crushed by life-takers and 6 tattoos and brown eyes gone grey. I say 6 years, change for me. Become that perfection that can rescue me and fix this sh** and pull at the corners of my mouth until I smile I have to smile. Misery is always a delayed reaction. The journey goes as follows: shock (always first), laughter (because that makes it not real), (attempted) repair, ineedtotakecareofmyself, letgo giveup i'msorrybutican't. happiness? denial, bitter because i was so stupid to let you drag me down, imissyou he can't fill your void. misery. And there are two "you"s which is not the same as having only one. One from a history book. One, the other, an aching scorched tearing ripping agonizing.....void. A goneness that only YOU could leave. So I feel nothing. No bluebirds singing no homecooked dinners no butterflies. And I'll learn not to give in to the nighttime with its sadness and hurtyoulikeyouneverhurtbefore seductions. And what I want to know is when and how does healing start? Is it a self-starter or is it a choice one makes? I make?And tell me one last final thing, I want you to answer me this: did you ever deserve me?

June 5th 2007

"Our bodies are mere shells, containers of our souls." After reading this quote my senior year of high school in a book called "Tuesday's With Morrie" I was stunned with its accuracy. No matter how much our bodies change as we age, or how they may change when we get sick, it is what is on our hearts or our souls that is most important. And what was inside my Grandfather's heart and soul is amazing. As the oldest, I was chosen by my Grandmother to represent the Grandchildren, to tell from our perspective just how much this man meant to us and how the times we spent with him and the memories we made together will be forever cherished. For me when I think about my Grandfather I remember the first 13 years of my life living in his home. I remember him taking care of me, loving me, and simply being there whenever I needed anything. But what I also remember are the lessons he taught me. There are also three distinct character traits that come to mind when I think of him. The first being drive. My Grandpa never gave up on anything or anyone. He drove his Grandchildren to do our homework, help out around the house, or do whatever else was needed of us. The second trait I believe best describes our Grandpa would be strength. Grandpa always dealt with every new hand life dealt him with plenty of strenght to face it. We have all seen Grandpa face the challenges of this past year and a half with strength, but that was a public display, not the only. And last but certainly now least, passion. OUr Grandfather loved his family with a deep passion, always there for us, and never let us down. Even though most of us knew him as a man of few words, none were needed for any of us to know how much he loved us. All of these things stick out in my mind, my cousins also have memories. Ryan Kornack, the second born Grandchild loved the way that we always knew Grandpa loved us, and how he always made special time with him, whether to just have a casual conversation, or to spend a couple hours watching Grandpa's beloved Illini basketball games. Austin Kornack, the third born Grandchild loved the family time we all spent, like this past Christmas when we all made a trip to Colorado. He also loved the way Grandpa was there to help anyone that needed it. He remembers especially, Grandpa being there to help his family through a tough time. Dylan Kornack, Grandchild at four years old loved the times Grandpa would play with him. Benjamin, and Samuel Harris, the youngest two Grandchildren who live in Colorado are too young to share any memories with me, but they will always know how much their Grandpa loved and cared about them and cherished the times he got to see them. Dylan said it best when he said he didn't want Grandpa to be sick anymore, and no matter how much our heads tell us he's not suffering anymore, our hearts still want him here. But that't when I'd like us all to remember more words from "Tuesdays With Morrie": "Death ends a life, not a relationship."