Perfectly Shattered

I know you say the past is the past,
You shouldn’t live in it,
You should live in the moment – not in the battles lost.
But I can’t seem to do that.
Skeletons in my closet are creeping into the present.
Things that I worked so hard to get rid of,
Now foreshadowing my future.
I'm falling - I’m giving into the lure.
They seem to make me feel unintentionally whole,
When in reality – I am so broken.
I’m broken.
I have been for so long.
Still turning to things
that I know aren’t right – they’re wrong.
When it seems like I finally have everything together at last,
My whole world begins to fall down around me – crash.
I turn to the things that once made me whole,
Knowing they can work again – heal my broken soul.
I gave in.
And every time I’m giving in,
It feels like I’m becoming less-broken,
When really,
I’m becoming less-whole.
It’s like a perfect window
when suddenly hit by a rock
First it hits...
Breaks...
It pauses...
Breaks further...
Pauses again...
Then eventually shatters.
So I’m not broken…
I’m shattered.
Everything I turn to is only a pause in my break;
I’m moving two steps back for every step that I take.
Temporary.
Those are the things I turn to.
I know this, yet it’s still what I do.
Trying to make these things permanent
Instead of finding something real –
Something that will never make me fall.
I can’t find it.
I can’t tell the difference between bringing myself up
And breaking myself even further.
I am not whole.
I am shattered.
And if I am shattered
– broken –
- lost -
Then how am I supposed to give a whole heart?
I don’t have a whole heart to give.
I don’t want to be shattered,
I want to be whole,
But that just doesn’t seem to be the plan right now.
I don’t like who I am.
And if I don’t like me – who I am,
If I’m not content with myself,
If I don’t love, much less like, who I am – who I have become,
Then how can I let someone else fall for me,
When I know that I am incapable of loving them back?
Because love for myself I shamefully lack.
I have no heart to give.
I don’t want someone to give me theirs
And expect something in return,
Because I am not capable.
I am not whole
– but I want to be made whole –
I want to be the pieces of shattered glass
Put vigilantly back into place……
Perfection.
No breaks.
No pauses.
Indestructible.
I will no longer be shattered.
Unspoken.