16 Hours Straight

i don't know if you know
but i've been watching from afar
and i don't really comprehend why you'd do
such a pitiful thing

i don't know if you know
but i've been watching from up close
attempting to deliberate who and what
needs you more

i don't know if you know
but i've been watching from right here
and if you ever try to cross paths
then i'll have to explode with impunity

i don't know if you know
but just the shape of your face
has been driving me insane
we have become enemies

i don't know if you know
but these last twenty four hours
have housed my distrust for you
and i realize once again, you are a rat

i don't know if you know
but there's something i need to tell
you're an ass and you have no class
some think it is, but i don't think its funny

i don't know if you know
but i'm about three inches away
from cutting all ties, friendship and all
beacuse you don't control yourself.

~I assume its natural to get sick of people. but who truely knows what nature is?

Love,
Digress.

Rearrange

I can smell your skin on mine.
I need protection.
Its personal.
Time to grow up Maegan.
Wake up,
Make up,
No more baby steps.
Theres no happy ending
yet
is there.
You're no more playground time.
I need you.
Yet
This has nothing to do with you.
Grow up.
Grow up.
Though im a mear 18,
Cant I be six again?
If there is a tear
drop
under my eye,
(Big girls dont cry).
If there is heart ache in
sight,
(I fake a smile)
It makes me shiver
to
the
bone.
You know
You know
You know
I never
c
r
y.
But baby,
My hearts a virgin
it aint
ever
been tried.

like pages from a book

It was a beautiful crash,
me
into you
all the colors and shattered explosions that erupted
like a volcano, unstoppable and phenomenal
It was indescribable
me
with you
the passionate and insatiable, ever-amplifying
hunger

It's a shame, really...
me
without you,
us
without us
Who knows...maybe you were(are) my prince charming

my [your] baggage

what i wanted to say
you took me all away
with those words
i couldn't read write or breath
you feed me all your lies
beneath the sky
lies the one you knew before.
you left me here
fearing for yourself
the friendship that we have lost
you just tossed it all away
makes me wonder
how much is under
all the baggage
you left with me to stay.


-i have returned.

still not everything i want to say, but it'll do for now

what do you say when your mind is blocked
when the letters won't go
together
to form words that just won't flow
in eachother

how can i long for a person
who was there when i didn't care
how can i miss a place
i came from, ran away from
how can i lose my ability to speak
to you, about you

and me


this isn't a silly infatuation
it's a true emotion
,like a convulsion
of my heart

and now,
i want you to hold me, i want to know if i'm on a one-way street...but i kinda don't care.
because i remember what it's like
to have a best friend
i miss what it's like

I Remember Her

i once fell in love with a girl

i was working at the time
she was ordering
a bowl of something
i don't know
i was cleaning
i locked eyes with her
and i fell in love with her for her brown hair
and gorgeous face
deep eyes that reflected light in perfect
kaleidoscope effects
she looked back at me with the same longing
i wonder if she knows how much she scared me
maybe i scared her back... i don't know
but we caught sideways glances at each other
every once in a while
while she was eating
and i was preparing food
leaving my station to
catch glimpses of her
she was with her family
and hard to approach
tactfully
then
in an instant
she was gone
i wonder what happened to her
who she was
what she was
if she even looked at me with the same longing
i still remember her.

~I don't know what to do with myself.

Love,
Digress.

Hi humans, I'm back in the desk again. I read over 2,000 pages in June and I will exceed that in July. Enough about me. Here are some pics. My original room was HO-rif-fic! I/we now have an apartment.

what comes next

It's easier to let go when you've changed
hurts less, painless, effortless
But I saw you once and you're the same old you
and so these feelings inside got rearranged

We heard that song in the car and we both smiled
cuz what's better than a memory that's been stored away and filed
It's too late to go back and what's the point in moving on
when we don't want to

Screw the rules about cheating
hearts
I hate settling
I won't be complacent I won't be content I won't...
forget about you

Me and you, we go together like one and two
right next to one another
like someone placed us there
said 'that looks good right there'


So we dance this one last number
we hold each other tight
Something about it is forbidden
something wrong about this right


you feel so right

Perhaps it is I who should be asking....

What Now...

I'm lost again
I thought this would mend
But, you see, there's something there
Some part of me with you and you with me

Two years plus one to the day
Yet I remember like yesterday
the way we would play
And now it has been so long since I've seen you smile
Such a long while since that beautiful smile
I saw it again and the world got brighter
I was back where I grew
Back in what I knew

But I should be mad, should I not?
A broken heart is what I got
Words of apology come readily
They fill a tare and your smile begins to ware

It's too easy to forgive and it frustrates me
Can you see I don't know who I want to be?
And you say you miss the view
the reason too
And I miss you
So I'm torn in two
I don't know what to do

You run in my mind as these days get so long
And you're in every song
I play in my head things that used to be
And I'm confused, see, cuz you were never one for complacency
That's not who you used to be

So I sit, again, thinking thoughts to send
All I think is I thought this would mend
And I want to see you again.

A glimpse of the class

How do I start to tell you how you have helped me.
Words seem to stall as I struggle to write what should have been said.
You taught me to use my words and make them flow in a sense more meaningful.
In comparison to others I am a novice.
Yet in my words you have shown me something more.
Both seem to know the ryhme was not meant to be mine but freeverse is a road I traverse.
Saving that life that seemed like an end where only 'Rescue me' was heard
The time came where I didn't want to move past it where I wanted to know the other where all I could do was make a wish and hope to be
500 words seemed surreal until one wrote about writing, writing that could never be conformity, writing that gave me a window and let me breathe in and create a new story out of a series of questions
Not knowing what my human heart was about I failed to see the memoir that had unfolded even after I read it.
Through it all I listened for a change and through it all I learned that the change was mine
That this change was given to me by the one who inspired my words to flow in different ways.
Thanks Leyba.

Love Is Fugacious

you heard me.

FUGACIOUS

~and that was that.

Love,
Digress.

Perfectly Shattered

I know you say the past is the past,
You shouldn’t live in it,
You should live in the moment – not in the battles lost.
But I can’t seem to do that.
Skeletons in my closet are creeping into the present.
Things that I worked so hard to get rid of,
Now foreshadowing my future.
I'm falling - I’m giving into the lure.
They seem to make me feel unintentionally whole,
When in reality – I am so broken.
I’m broken.
I have been for so long.
Still turning to things
that I know aren’t right – they’re wrong.
When it seems like I finally have everything together at last,
My whole world begins to fall down around me – crash.
I turn to the things that once made me whole,
Knowing they can work again – heal my broken soul.
I gave in.
And every time I’m giving in,
It feels like I’m becoming less-broken,
When really,
I’m becoming less-whole.
It’s like a perfect window
when suddenly hit by a rock
First it hits...
Breaks...
It pauses...
Breaks further...
Pauses again...
Then eventually shatters.
So I’m not broken…
I’m shattered.
Everything I turn to is only a pause in my break;
I’m moving two steps back for every step that I take.
Temporary.
Those are the things I turn to.
I know this, yet it’s still what I do.
Trying to make these things permanent
Instead of finding something real –
Something that will never make me fall.
I can’t find it.
I can’t tell the difference between bringing myself up
And breaking myself even further.
I am not whole.
I am shattered.
And if I am shattered
– broken –
- lost -
Then how am I supposed to give a whole heart?
I don’t have a whole heart to give.
I don’t want to be shattered,
I want to be whole,
But that just doesn’t seem to be the plan right now.
I don’t like who I am.
And if I don’t like me – who I am,
If I’m not content with myself,
If I don’t love, much less like, who I am – who I have become,
Then how can I let someone else fall for me,
When I know that I am incapable of loving them back?
Because love for myself I shamefully lack.
I have no heart to give.
I don’t want someone to give me theirs
And expect something in return,
Because I am not capable.
I am not whole
– but I want to be made whole –
I want to be the pieces of shattered glass
Put vigilantly back into place……
Perfection.
No breaks.
No pauses.
Indestructible.
I will no longer be shattered.
Unspoken.

Don't Call

they're melting
not just wilting
but actually melting
and i watch them
Drip
Drip
Drip
right onto my carpet!
i like that carpet!
GOD SAVE THE CARPET!
if there's one thing you do
in your entire life

save the carpet.

when they drip its so sad
they shudder and shake
with a sound of sonic booms
going off like sirens
and shaking my house
shaking my windows
scaring the cat
and i know its all because of her
all due to the fact
that she had to call me up
just to melt my flowers
so i said
goodbye,
grabbed a watering can
and rushed to the melting
beauties that
had just been abused
by her verbal
assult of her own
alleged friends.

~Friends, do they ever truely exist? i believe so, today was a hot day.

Love,
Digress.

Queen Anne's lace

Forty-five and one-half carefully arranged flower petals keep close watch over the happenings of the backyard. There is a pane of glass that keeps it safe from June, and when January comes the children do, too, and with foggy words the mitten fingers write loose and sloppy sentences in unabashed love and wonder. The red head with freckles keeps close tabs from the sidewalk. Sometimes she crosses her fingers and hopes for the best. And that bouquet in the window seems to pine for the sun, its leaves turn heavenly and press against the glass.It's summer, again, halleluj.

In comes that tender hand and fills a pitcher -- twenty-one uneven drops of water miss the mouth and fall into the bottom of the sink, and coalesce in loose formations that look like continents that never were. Giant bodies of water that touch at the tips and wonder how do, and what's new, and how are those lilies? But those words never quite seem to make it; that hand pours that pitcher like April showers over the flowers and sustains them, and twenty-one drops of water slip silently down the drain. And then there's that distance. And then there's that silence, oh, but goddamn for that silence. And turns the world, again, giant continents speeding toward each other with merciless speed, a cosmic collision of tectonic titans, that wonder as they wander how do, and what's new, and how are those lilies?

And then there's forty-six flowers, and gravity tugs a little bit harder and down comes twenty-two uneven drops of water, pooling in the basin and looking upward as the pane fogs up, and here comes those hands, and that girl on the sidewalk -- older already! -- and we'll cross our fingers this time, and you'll look up at heaven, and goddamn for that distance, but we all love you the same.

why can't i just...

I wish this wasn't something I had to feel
I wish from you my heart I could steal
.....back
How bad I want to see you
It hurts to remember the view
from underneath you
(cuz I want....miss...crave it)

I hear you've become someone new
Transformed, different than the guy I knew
but that's something I won't face
I just won't see you that way, it's not right-falling from grace
I shouldn't judge
but you oughtn't change
The you I love...(d) is the you I miss

don't get me wrong, I'm happy here
but losing you...I more than fear
you were a best friend and I can't let it go
I know you know I won't let it show
We grew we laughed we played and cried
I miss you there to guide (me)
I want your friendship
Isn't it funny how the sides do flip

I'm sorry...I wish I could lie some more
but.....I'm your emotional whore

If you are asking for love, than this is as close as I can get

What I wouldn't give for one more try? One more day, a second in time. Just to smell your smile, and your hand in mine. And I thought it was just regretable, but I can't deny your unforgetable. And it's undenyable that time has pasted to fast for us to be pliable, but I'm still stuck on your smile. And it feels like shit when I forget to forget, even if you quit and I prayed to be over it. So I'm not stuck in a sin, just this sad state you brought me up in, and I swear I would do it again, with these feelings still trapped with in. I try to pass the ball, pretend its not my fault, but that's no better than scrubing in salt, cause it's only half your fault. If you let me go then let me know, cause I ran out of things to hold, just stuck with a ghost and a mold, and words and songs that make me sound to damn bold. Filled with these words I'll never say, and confodence that fades away, and that smile that breaks the rains as I break away.

With my backpack packed and a mark on the map, I'm gonna drive to fast, gonna not look back. Light the night with a blow torch and a match.

Hold up stick your nose up....

laa you

best
friends
love
i hate those
words.
words they are.

meaning:
worse
enemy
hate.
meaning.
meaning what?

honestly:
i
iloveyou
i
ialwayshave
i
ineedyou

you:
dont
b e l i e v e
a
single
word.

truth:
you are
the
ONLY
person
i
cansee
myself with.

confession:
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
love you more

Day

*side note-I finally got a gmail account*

Hello old friend. Where have you been hiding? Perhaps behind a mountain or just beyond the horizon. It is good to see the light you cast. Here on this morn the birds sing to you in greeting and the butterflies come to play. How we have missed you so, dear Day.


~Reikan~

Welcome Back, Summer

this is the summer feeling you were never prepared for
the sinking emotions that drag you below the sculpture
of your stone tablet decadence that you create with these pens
your left all alone now thinking about your friends
when the memories try to laps you fall into a translucent mind
looking right through the activities that you preformed blind
welcome back to the survival rate of individuality
now is the time to pursue a new from of balancing
the time spent alone and the hours spent unnoticed
between liquor lines and high times that were partying motives
in the spring we all feel the essence that summer will bring
but when we're trapped in a summer we see the albatross' ring
a perfect circle with no lucid escape hatch has become the songs we sing
once again we're walking this dead end road
just waiting for a chance to listen to stories we have told

welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak
welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak

this is the time that we walk hand in hand
whispering lies of love we try to withstand
never again will we reach past the stars we have canned
opening the things we see in these dreams we prolong so vividly
the summer brings the death that will keep our lives moving slowly
not enough time is allotted to allow our instinctive reactions to build
swallow your friends with a glass of water and a pill
simple pleasures complicate the season and surely start to kill
the endorphins that have grown into a new form of identity
building us up to destroy this nations hard earned penalty
supporting our right to party like great Gatsby on T.V.
those were the last words of the summer it was speaking
line by line it will process the spectral nights into
NOTHING
after all, that's what we're waiting for
so welcome back to the diner with an open door
a policy of no oppression and an open forum
walk tall and welcome back
i hope your mind is still on track

welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak
welcome back to the summer that we bring
welcome back to the pseudo-seductive lies we speak


~I hope everybodys' summer is absolutely unmatched in any way. mine is.




~been a long time since i hiped and hopped.

Love,
Digress.

vivo

so beautiful
these heartbeats you make me feel
so inseparable
our souls entwined like fingers of lovers hands
we combust:
react vigorsously with oxygen...produce heat and light:
we are
seen as a flame

nights and stars and bubbles it's poetic
no chalkboard to erase
it's permanent ink...this time
find.no.fault.

i
love you
i
need you