These tears form, but I won't cry

This pain tears at me, makes me want to hate you, gives me that lump in my throat that I recognize and now I know what's coming. All those memories of our childhood together - we never could get along. I stole your spotlight, like mom says. I'm sorry. Isn't that enough? I grew up not in your shadow, but under your foot, stepped on and hated, like mud on new tennis shoes. We had a love-hate relationship: I loved you and you hated me. Oh, how we fought. You'd think we were going to kill eachother, what with the bloody noses, black eyes, and kicking you where it counts. I swear I never meant to. And then you left me. Just up and left. I understand, yeah, I get it. You had to get away because you were too far gone. Going the wrong direction. In deep "crap." Okay, fine. All I saw was you walking out the door and then I'm gone, running away so that I'm the one leaving, not you. No. You're not abandoning me. You'll come back. No? There's this hole that started forming inside of me, kept getting bigger and bigger like when you gauged your ears. Just kept growing. How long until we talked again? A month, maybe two? How about a year, three months, and five days. I couldn't forgive you. You left me. And now what? I'm a senior and you haven't been here for a single dance, a date, even to hide those dozen roses left on the porch because you're being protective. It's time I can't recover. It's time I want back. I don't even know you anymore. Now I'm your baby sister that you love and you're jealous that my boyfriend spends more time with me in one month than you have the past six years? I say I'm over it and I want to see you, just to talk. But what do you say to somebody you don't know? I miss you....