Oh so lost

I can't find the words anymore. Maybe I'm crushed. Maybe my soul just gave up the will to live. But no, if that was the case my heart wouldn't smile every time i think of you. Maybe I'm just comfortably stagnant, content with just floating by. But then how could i want so much to change? I know that tons of people that read this can understand what I'm going through, and are willing to give me words of encouragement, but that doesn't help when i can't even understand what I'm going through.

More than anything i believe my writing has been shocked into submission. I had one of those moments that you can't prepare for. As much as i told myself that it would happen one day, i still felt like a dagger pierced me out of no where when it did. I stood against the wall, pretending i didn't give a care in the world, when really i felt my world collapsing. Your dad is the guy that would kick someones ass if they hit you when you were learning to ski, and would hold you and tell you its alright when you lose a grandparent. And what do you say when your rock is broken? Watching my dad cry, completely defenseless, i was more lost than i have ever been. I tried to stream of consciousness rhyme about it.

"Damn dad, sorry your mad, i wish you could be glad, you loved me sense I've been a lad".

Nothing.

I didn't sit down to write about it that, but maybe it is the block in my stream. I wish i could break past it so i could focus on other things, but when i try to write it always just comes back to this. A circle that i don't know how to get out of.