wondering
about things that are unseen
the strange scenes
of picturesque dancing
a perfect choreograph
that speaks all about geography
telling me things you don't see
words have three meanings
words have three beings
words are three entities
we've got twenty one sevens
and seven one elevens
where's the money at?
where's the Z's at?
where's the Yo's at?
it that what you're about?
pop hits by hypocrites
encouraging babies to be illigeit
the radio doesn't know
but it tells you so
listen to things you can't see
even with naked eye balls, sex does sell
what do the words tell
about riches, and quick fling misses
sitting on cracks, breaking mamma's back
was mama breaking her back
when she gave birth to something so whack?
the mother of hip hop, pop top, a black art
a white world, and blue oceans
read blood, sensual motions
inebriated by the potions
love sickness is my every excuse
I've got eyes shaking from the abuse
missing love while making love mistakes
nine months down tracks that hold fetus
a brave new world, a brave new score
players holding on by ropes
ropes that hang and choke
ropes that prod and poke
ropes that are intertwined
new material had new zeal
television was an unacceptable sin
bunny ears cutting off reception years
little kids growing up in the pain
the suffering, the upliftment of humanity
it escaped the hip hop generating
this feeling of acceptance by smoking
by tokin', by jokin', and jockin'
we've been mackin' the wrong woman
now lost in this lust for trust
no trust, taught not, by the hip to the HOP
give me a potato sack, i need to attack the whack
go ahead and strike back, nothing that you can pack
will polish this chrome, and kill this Cadillac
confessing to crimes involving a little green sack
where was the dignity, where was the misery?
when did hip hop become a commercial scheme?
was it back when Run DMC made things so Easy E?
was it when we reped our city, like that E-40?
or was it splitting dollars in two with Fifty?
they know what it is to get the money
but along with it comes the jewelery
jewels bring thieves that stalk the ritzy
we've got a funny thing inside our hearts that loves misery
so sit back and let hip hop go back
to what it started out to be
the upliftment of humanity
an escape from reality
not the bragging on T.V.
about dirty women, and dirty money
~Digress is Disgusted
Love,
Digress.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Valentine Dreams
I look out my window only to see
that it's snowing outside.
The blanket of snow covering the streets,
makes it seem like there's no sign of life.
It's 6am,
though it seems like it's still night,
It's dark out,
And the corner street lamp
gives off the only light.
I continue to follow
my normal morning routine,
I'm so tired,
I'm dragging,
It feels like I'm in a dream.
As I start to walk down the stairs,
I look down at my feet,
Rose petals line the staircase,
I wonder who did this?
HOW SWEET!
Rose petals continue as I turn the corner.
Are there any more surprises?
Could there be more?
There's a card
with Hershey's kisses all around,
"My beautiful girl,
You're the one I adore,
I love you so much,
How I'm with you,
must be sheer dumb luck.
Happy Valentines Day,
My dear!", it so sweetly read.
I look to the left,
and there is a white envelope,
Curious,
I open it up.
Tickets to my favorite band
that is coming into town.
I am so happy!
Nothing can bring me down!
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
My alarm clock rings.
I look out the window into reality.
A white blanket on the ground,
Gross brown slush in the streets.
Last night it snowed,
just like it has for weeks.
What a wonderful dream!
Too bad it wasn't real.
Another Valentine's Day to begin,
to me, just another Wednesday,
of the 2007 school year.
that it's snowing outside.
The blanket of snow covering the streets,
makes it seem like there's no sign of life.
It's 6am,
though it seems like it's still night,
It's dark out,
And the corner street lamp
gives off the only light.
I continue to follow
my normal morning routine,
I'm so tired,
I'm dragging,
It feels like I'm in a dream.
As I start to walk down the stairs,
I look down at my feet,
Rose petals line the staircase,
I wonder who did this?
HOW SWEET!
Rose petals continue as I turn the corner.
Are there any more surprises?
Could there be more?
There's a card
with Hershey's kisses all around,
"My beautiful girl,
You're the one I adore,
I love you so much,
How I'm with you,
must be sheer dumb luck.
Happy Valentines Day,
My dear!", it so sweetly read.
I look to the left,
and there is a white envelope,
Curious,
I open it up.
Tickets to my favorite band
that is coming into town.
I am so happy!
Nothing can bring me down!
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
My alarm clock rings.
I look out the window into reality.
A white blanket on the ground,
Gross brown slush in the streets.
Last night it snowed,
just like it has for weeks.
What a wonderful dream!
Too bad it wasn't real.
Another Valentine's Day to begin,
to me, just another Wednesday,
of the 2007 school year.
phobe
The hebephrenic world exalts beneath the solace of winter sun. Big, deep blue seas and chunks of land, anonymous from the dizzying heights of the moon, all smiling and floating and growing closer and farther—we stand upon a new continent, we name her Ebb. Beneath us is the sea, and she is Flow. Around us are a thousand myriad specks of birds and barren trees, where in years golden we were gorillas and space men. I fell in love first in the place where a duplex now stands. A 40 watt bulb illuminates the corner of the earth where I, thirteen and stalwart, hit my very first—alas, my very last—home-run in the corn field behind the cemetery. Spin goes the world—‘round and ‘round ad nauseam. Above it all, a choir of Seraphim lift their heavy hymnals upward and raise their timeless voices—oh, and those voices! interwoven little tapestries; each a part of a whole in that anatman agglomeration of sound and bliss!—to Whomever, they sing:
"Faster, faster, we need another master…"
Some days I wake up some place where I wasn’t when I fell asleep. Sometimes I get lost on the way to the door. I blame tectonic shifts, or light refraction. I get dizzy lying down. Thinking back to times incongruent. Something about leaving my bike unattended in the rain and those rusty brakes breaking hard on a hill, and how silly things looked in the slow-motion spin as I rode the air in two small flips over the handlebars. Coming-to lopsided and scatterbodied in the poor lady-with-the-apron’s front yard, and how she tsk-tsk’d beneath her breath while my bundle of papers lingered uselessly around that twisted clump of metal, and my big old loose-tooth smile as I said “thanks, ma’am, but I ought be going home” seemed so disproportionate.
I caught tadpoles where they put a townhouse. I fell in that puddle twice—once after a first kiss, and once after breaking up, oh, you cyclic baptismal mudwater font!—and now a bastard and his car are idling there and looking at skin magazines and talking about the girl in 44B; I threw a milkshake at her house once, after a night of feeling shitty about myself. Now there’s a privacy fence. The neighbors complained after T. ran over the Virgin Mary with his mountain bike. We mostly laughed despite ourselves on the hill where they put a parking lot. They cut down the dogwood in our old side yard and put up a billboard. I picked blackberries in the summer of ’96 with a friend I lost in the fall of ’04, and read The Classics under a deck that has succumbed to time. I live in the country that once was lost, but now is…
Our yard was so much greener when we jumped off the roof, hand in hand, as fearless as lemmings, saved by the tightly-stretched tarp—still warm with Summer—that refracted us like sunlight. One high, one low, all in the shadow of the Great Blue Mountain, until sunset came and the lightning bugs emerged, and we looked at stars through the crooked lens of an age-old telescope. A herd of comets roamed the prairie sky. Two ante-meridian and frigid, wrapped in our bear blanket with hot cocoa and toast. They took down the sky and put up a mirror. Here's us. Pinpoint and fractal. Here's us. The burned out light of stars long gone.
Here's us; a million years ago.
The world spins on, despite it all. It spins on dharma axis and resolves itself daily with the stroke of a clock, the beep-beep-beep that brings me to the place where once I’m sure somebody did something, and this mirror is haunted with ghosts. From way up, though, it’s all a big mottled kaleidoscope train wreck, the Earth. But from way down here, we are all microscopes.
"Faster, faster, we need another master…"
Some days I wake up some place where I wasn’t when I fell asleep. Sometimes I get lost on the way to the door. I blame tectonic shifts, or light refraction. I get dizzy lying down. Thinking back to times incongruent. Something about leaving my bike unattended in the rain and those rusty brakes breaking hard on a hill, and how silly things looked in the slow-motion spin as I rode the air in two small flips over the handlebars. Coming-to lopsided and scatterbodied in the poor lady-with-the-apron’s front yard, and how she tsk-tsk’d beneath her breath while my bundle of papers lingered uselessly around that twisted clump of metal, and my big old loose-tooth smile as I said “thanks, ma’am, but I ought be going home” seemed so disproportionate.
I caught tadpoles where they put a townhouse. I fell in that puddle twice—once after a first kiss, and once after breaking up, oh, you cyclic baptismal mudwater font!—and now a bastard and his car are idling there and looking at skin magazines and talking about the girl in 44B; I threw a milkshake at her house once, after a night of feeling shitty about myself. Now there’s a privacy fence. The neighbors complained after T. ran over the Virgin Mary with his mountain bike. We mostly laughed despite ourselves on the hill where they put a parking lot. They cut down the dogwood in our old side yard and put up a billboard. I picked blackberries in the summer of ’96 with a friend I lost in the fall of ’04, and read The Classics under a deck that has succumbed to time. I live in the country that once was lost, but now is…
Our yard was so much greener when we jumped off the roof, hand in hand, as fearless as lemmings, saved by the tightly-stretched tarp—still warm with Summer—that refracted us like sunlight. One high, one low, all in the shadow of the Great Blue Mountain, until sunset came and the lightning bugs emerged, and we looked at stars through the crooked lens of an age-old telescope. A herd of comets roamed the prairie sky. Two ante-meridian and frigid, wrapped in our bear blanket with hot cocoa and toast. They took down the sky and put up a mirror. Here's us. Pinpoint and fractal. Here's us. The burned out light of stars long gone.
Here's us; a million years ago.
The world spins on, despite it all. It spins on dharma axis and resolves itself daily with the stroke of a clock, the beep-beep-beep that brings me to the place where once I’m sure somebody did something, and this mirror is haunted with ghosts. From way up, though, it’s all a big mottled kaleidoscope train wreck, the Earth. But from way down here, we are all microscopes.
I Read It
I read it. I can’t believe I opened it and read it. It wasn’t directly to me but I read it. You said it. I can’t believe you typed it and you posted it. On a day I’ll never forget, a day that’s suppose to be filled with love, you said it. It has been a year and now, again, you have to say it. Say it to everyone. You have tried to move on but you still remember it. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t want you to put things where you know I will read it. I don’t want you to talk about me in such a way. I don’t want you to remember me. I don’t want to know you. I don’t want to see you. But as it sits there and as I sit there knowing exactly what is inside, I open it, I read it, and I miss you.
something from a true human mind
You want it, you got it, yeah okay.
I'll drop it
I'm a word, a song, a dare
that flare that makes you come back
can't stay away, say what you only wanna pray
you want my inspiration, my conversation, my annotation
on your pages like you were a book.
pause, rewind, stop to find that I'm trapped in your mind
can't forget, can't regret, you only want what you can't get
you're so lost you can't come back, you'll sell your soul for any cost
for a minute of fame you'll throw a game, for stupid pride you'd stay on your side
Wait, wait, I'm stuck...
...
like a tongue to a pole, like a joint that you roll, like a stomach never full
I'm dissatisfied, detached, dismayed and defeated
I'm tired, I'm trying, I'm TRYING! but my rhymes
just keep dying
they give way to lemon limes and bigger times and greater minds
I won't quit but I'll accept defeat
...sit back and wait for the judgement seat
I'll drop it
I'm a word, a song, a dare
that flare that makes you come back
can't stay away, say what you only wanna pray
you want my inspiration, my conversation, my annotation
on your pages like you were a book.
pause, rewind, stop to find that I'm trapped in your mind
can't forget, can't regret, you only want what you can't get
you're so lost you can't come back, you'll sell your soul for any cost
for a minute of fame you'll throw a game, for stupid pride you'd stay on your side
Wait, wait, I'm stuck...
...
like a tongue to a pole, like a joint that you roll, like a stomach never full
I'm dissatisfied, detached, dismayed and defeated
I'm tired, I'm trying, I'm TRYING! but my rhymes
just keep dying
they give way to lemon limes and bigger times and greater minds
I won't quit but I'll accept defeat
...sit back and wait for the judgement seat
it's a laxative for your mind..
it's been so dry, the stream has ceased for months now. she can't grasp it, press her lips upon it or sink her head into the desert. so jimi takes over..
manic depression's touching my soul,
i know what i want,
but i just don't know how to go about getting it.
feeling, sweet feeling
drops from my fingers, fingers
manic depression's captured my soul.
woman so willing the sweet cause in vain,
you make love,
you break love,
it's all the same when it's...
when it's over.
music sweet music,
i wish i could caress, caress, caress.
manic depression's a frustrating mess.
well, i think i'll go turn myself off and go on down.
really ain't no use me hanging around.
oh, i gotta see you.
tell me, have you ever been experienced? well, i have.
manic depression's touching my soul,
i know what i want,
but i just don't know how to go about getting it.
feeling, sweet feeling
drops from my fingers, fingers
manic depression's captured my soul.
woman so willing the sweet cause in vain,
you make love,
you break love,
it's all the same when it's...
when it's over.
music sweet music,
i wish i could caress, caress, caress.
manic depression's a frustrating mess.
well, i think i'll go turn myself off and go on down.
really ain't no use me hanging around.
oh, i gotta see you.
tell me, have you ever been experienced? well, i have.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
On Teaching A Wishlist
I swear it was a simple list
a list of wishes
things I dream
what I want
like blowin on twenty birthday cakes
and I was nearly cussin sons of cousins
and now my head aches
make a list and put in some pictures
it’s simple we ain’t writin scriptures
give me a vision let the words make decisions
just show and don’t tell cuz tell day blows always was always will
I need words that show
like tongues stained from rainbow suckers
and not made up words like deluxer
and then comb the wishlist
with a fine tooth
and 86 the cliché
cuz those are now gone and illegal
our new words are paintings that bounce off purple walls
sounding so regal
and then change it again so it says I AM
Yeah, I Said Change It
Damn Leyba you’re killin me shifting my flow what the hell do you know? My wishes was shiny and slippery as fishes and now you want I AM?
I’ll tell you who I am
I am word a stained tongue
I am the skin of the young
I am the shame after losing the game
I am the dropped jaw after hearing the blame
I am lemon lime rhyme sour with power
Words are my ingredients like sugar and flour
Baking you
Involuntarily taking you
to the image I want
I am the writer
Yeah, like that
Just trust me
a list of wishes
things I dream
what I want
like blowin on twenty birthday cakes
and I was nearly cussin sons of cousins
and now my head aches
make a list and put in some pictures
it’s simple we ain’t writin scriptures
give me a vision let the words make decisions
just show and don’t tell cuz tell day blows always was always will
I need words that show
like tongues stained from rainbow suckers
and not made up words like deluxer
and then comb the wishlist
with a fine tooth
and 86 the cliché
cuz those are now gone and illegal
our new words are paintings that bounce off purple walls
sounding so regal
and then change it again so it says I AM
Yeah, I Said Change It
Damn Leyba you’re killin me shifting my flow what the hell do you know? My wishes was shiny and slippery as fishes and now you want I AM?
I’ll tell you who I am
I am word a stained tongue
I am the skin of the young
I am the shame after losing the game
I am the dropped jaw after hearing the blame
I am lemon lime rhyme sour with power
Words are my ingredients like sugar and flour
Baking you
Involuntarily taking you
to the image I want
I am the writer
Yeah, like that
Just trust me
I Am
I am the unseen shadows of the night,
I am a stereotype - my own - I am me.
I am the good role model that my little brother looks up to,
I am the 4.0 that I'm constantly compared to.
I am all the lies that I've so thoughtlessly told,
I am the tear drop, falling from my blue eyes,
releasing all that is untold.
I am the rain drop falling to the ground
with no fears or second thoughts,
I am the water cascading out of the faucet,
cleansing all that I touch.
I am the memory of all that is soon to be forgotten,
I am in a movie-it's called my life - and it has plenty of action.
I am the survivor of a fatal heart attack,
I am good karma, bad karma, and the ever so popular payback.
I am the apology accepted by the one who killed my own blood,
I am the heart that is strong, resistant, and completely unbreakable.
I am all the scars from my past that make me - me,
I am the all star athlete - Olympian soon to be.
I am a bright 'n' shiny sports car
not the beat up car that I appear to be,
I am the fish that, I know, is really afraid of me.
I am the one and only person that can fly,
soaring over the lands and into sky,
Above the mountains I am lifted,
I am all the things that are on my wish list.
I am what I am,
I am me.
I am a stereotype - my own - I am me.
I am the good role model that my little brother looks up to,
I am the 4.0 that I'm constantly compared to.
I am all the lies that I've so thoughtlessly told,
I am the tear drop, falling from my blue eyes,
releasing all that is untold.
I am the rain drop falling to the ground
with no fears or second thoughts,
I am the water cascading out of the faucet,
cleansing all that I touch.
I am the memory of all that is soon to be forgotten,
I am in a movie-it's called my life - and it has plenty of action.
I am the survivor of a fatal heart attack,
I am good karma, bad karma, and the ever so popular payback.
I am the apology accepted by the one who killed my own blood,
I am the heart that is strong, resistant, and completely unbreakable.
I am all the scars from my past that make me - me,
I am the all star athlete - Olympian soon to be.
I am a bright 'n' shiny sports car
not the beat up car that I appear to be,
I am the fish that, I know, is really afraid of me.
I am the one and only person that can fly,
soaring over the lands and into sky,
Above the mountains I am lifted,
I am all the things that are on my wish list.
I am what I am,
I am me.
red, white, blue
go ahead cut me off one more time,
you crazy old man,
you tree huggin,
mj smokin,
crazy ahole.
take some pride in you country.
cuz get this,
boy i bleed
red
white
and
blue.
me,
who i could careless,
tell me again,
take off your stickers old man.
s***.
dont be hatin
because you aint me.
take your hippie ways,
get them out of my face.
remember this name,
because b****,
i b l e e d,
red
white,
and blue.
so bro get a clue.
wake up,
dont shake up,
what you cant take up.
have some pride.
or ride outta here.
you crazy old man,
you tree huggin,
mj smokin,
crazy ahole.
take some pride in you country.
cuz get this,
boy i bleed
red
white
and
blue.
me,
who i could careless,
tell me again,
take off your stickers old man.
s***.
dont be hatin
because you aint me.
take your hippie ways,
get them out of my face.
remember this name,
because b****,
i b l e e d,
red
white,
and blue.
so bro get a clue.
wake up,
dont shake up,
what you cant take up.
have some pride.
or ride outta here.
Let the Game Begin
Game on, rhyme on, smack on, tag I'm it, well s*it.
Challenge accepted, digested, only partially neglected.
I'll bring it, I'll bring it with style, state something worthwhile, mile after mile.
Magnetic and majestic, these words come though,
stick like glue and define who's who.
Time to rhyme my mimes.
Oh, I got wit, I'll spit it, hit it, out bid it, I just did it, and I'll stick wit it.
I'll rhyme to your heart's desire, go ahead, take it down to the wire,
I ain't scared cuz I'm on fire.
Challenge accepted, digested, only partially neglected.
I'll bring it, I'll bring it with style, state something worthwhile, mile after mile.
Magnetic and majestic, these words come though,
stick like glue and define who's who.
Time to rhyme my mimes.
Oh, I got wit, I'll spit it, hit it, out bid it, I just did it, and I'll stick wit it.
I'll rhyme to your heart's desire, go ahead, take it down to the wire,
I ain't scared cuz I'm on fire.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Son God
i was sitting conflicted
looking for a new mission
when i noticed a pen
i took time to sit on the fence
my grass was always green
i looked over and saw a serene scene
it was mystical and rather obscene
the dream team of scavenger schemes
looking at me, as though i were mean
i sat back and laughed at the fact
that they attempted to attack
when they all acted whack
sitting on my alcove of lost hope
my fence, gave me quotes
i spoke and realized it wasn't dope
it was imagery, a common fallacy
my heavy breath sat with discontent
while i attempted to find, i took a strides
stepping up and choking, gasping for air
i slit ropes with heavy fists of unborn kids
the brains in my cranium is a new wave of sanitation
she gave me means for master-racism
she was the devil in her majesty
holding scepters of prestigious entity
the carnivores look forward to the hoard
when we can sit back and play bored games
the devil and i got along fine
after we decided to change sides
we looked back at the mystery climbs
and rusted ladder rungs to the memories we decide
that's when god came to realize
every piece of mischiefed is winterized
inverted in this holding cell, we found it to be hell
finding an escape rout, as we looked out for the devout
this wooden floor keeps me board
waiting for the memories i contorted
waking up to find another man went blind
looking for an exit out of the love hate that begs for it
another control freak, looking for vestiges that seek
hair to slick back and wait for the dream team to speak
shining on the tiles, reflecting all the miles
the faces of the well traveled followed my child's hideouts
sitting in the vision, looking for my diction
reading my own wishes, holding this interest
seeking my missions
trying to find god in a world so full of fake faith
trying to disprove god in a world so full of hate
trying to live life, without embracing my fate
I'm still alive, I'm not done on this planet
I'm still alive, I'm not done with this handout
see, life is like a worksheet, busy work and discouraging
if its easy then we've stuck to the routine
sitting back with something toothy
i do believe in god, but i don't believe in prophets
i do believe in prophets, but i don't believe in hypocrites
find something more common in humans than lies
and you've found the missing link
looking for the chain that thinks
searching for the weakest link.
-One of my favorite poets/musicans once stated in a song, "i don't have a god complex, you've got a simple god."
~Thinking a lot lately.
Love,
Digress
looking for a new mission
when i noticed a pen
i took time to sit on the fence
my grass was always green
i looked over and saw a serene scene
it was mystical and rather obscene
the dream team of scavenger schemes
looking at me, as though i were mean
i sat back and laughed at the fact
that they attempted to attack
when they all acted whack
sitting on my alcove of lost hope
my fence, gave me quotes
i spoke and realized it wasn't dope
it was imagery, a common fallacy
my heavy breath sat with discontent
while i attempted to find, i took a strides
stepping up and choking, gasping for air
i slit ropes with heavy fists of unborn kids
the brains in my cranium is a new wave of sanitation
she gave me means for master-racism
she was the devil in her majesty
holding scepters of prestigious entity
the carnivores look forward to the hoard
when we can sit back and play bored games
the devil and i got along fine
after we decided to change sides
we looked back at the mystery climbs
and rusted ladder rungs to the memories we decide
that's when god came to realize
every piece of mischiefed is winterized
inverted in this holding cell, we found it to be hell
finding an escape rout, as we looked out for the devout
this wooden floor keeps me board
waiting for the memories i contorted
waking up to find another man went blind
looking for an exit out of the love hate that begs for it
another control freak, looking for vestiges that seek
hair to slick back and wait for the dream team to speak
shining on the tiles, reflecting all the miles
the faces of the well traveled followed my child's hideouts
sitting in the vision, looking for my diction
reading my own wishes, holding this interest
seeking my missions
trying to find god in a world so full of fake faith
trying to disprove god in a world so full of hate
trying to live life, without embracing my fate
I'm still alive, I'm not done on this planet
I'm still alive, I'm not done with this handout
see, life is like a worksheet, busy work and discouraging
if its easy then we've stuck to the routine
sitting back with something toothy
i do believe in god, but i don't believe in prophets
i do believe in prophets, but i don't believe in hypocrites
find something more common in humans than lies
and you've found the missing link
looking for the chain that thinks
searching for the weakest link.
-One of my favorite poets/musicans once stated in a song, "i don't have a god complex, you've got a simple god."
~Thinking a lot lately.
Love,
Digress
Game On again
Yo,
that post that slipped down page
thats spits in two
was written for you
Game on means bring IT
TWICE
So start spittin
SamSwaBoogieBlue & Gobbler
2
that post that slipped down page
thats spits in two
was written for you
Game on means bring IT
TWICE
So start spittin
SamSwaBoogieBlue & Gobbler
2
baby boy
its not that i dont feel for you.
for i know i have sinned.
how wonderful it was to stand before you.
only to honor me with your presences.
to bless me with your smilel.
life is too short.
our moments short and sweet.
only for a short while did we know,
our paths would cross.
light brought to your eyes.
our worlds devine.
you are the one we have hoped for.
not a follower.
but a leader.
memories float out of all of us,
stright to heaven.
your wings built my smiles,
happy tears.
their baby boy.
their most missed memories.
our friend.
our caller.
the one stands for all.
for i know i have sinned.
how wonderful it was to stand before you.
only to honor me with your presences.
to bless me with your smilel.
life is too short.
our moments short and sweet.
only for a short while did we know,
our paths would cross.
light brought to your eyes.
our worlds devine.
you are the one we have hoped for.
not a follower.
but a leader.
memories float out of all of us,
stright to heaven.
your wings built my smiles,
happy tears.
their baby boy.
their most missed memories.
our friend.
our caller.
the one stands for all.
handle it.
ahh.
i finally confessed to you.
all you said to me was dude.
gee thanks.
its true though.
we are just friends.
if thats all i can get.
thats all i will take.
rather then not having you.
i would rather, be your,
dare i say it.
it comes close to mind.
always going to be there.
never to let me down.
tell me its okay.
reasure me im the s***.
always touching my stuff.
stealing my pens.
its true,
you are my friend.
i finally confessed to you.
all you said to me was dude.
gee thanks.
its true though.
we are just friends.
if thats all i can get.
thats all i will take.
rather then not having you.
i would rather, be your,
dare i say it.
it comes close to mind.
always going to be there.
never to let me down.
tell me its okay.
reasure me im the s***.
always touching my stuff.
stealing my pens.
its true,
you are my friend.
Monday, February 12, 2007
on watching a herd of children run in a mall promenade
Oppositely charged neutrons unleashed at odd intervals; the red-headed one with the berserk chocolate stains dribbled down her shirt front is static electric and sticks to the floor. She is up for steps, but only a few, then down and crawling and squealing and gibbering in that way that babies do. All of them run in dizzy tiny circles and orbit each other cautiously, their eyeballs rollin in those big big heads of theirs, hair and tongues and four queer teeth pokin out funny behind those smilin lips. All the parents sit stupified and distant and look at their nails and check their watches and the one in the black yaks on her cell-phone like a religion, dominus vobiscum and those goofy little footsteps, double-knotted and sizes too big or too small pound switchfoot rhythms all over the floor, morse code gospel et cum spiritu tuo. These ersatz little people and their wild flinging hair, and their shakey little legs and their wild inspiration, gleaning all that stellar cosmic sunlight like smiles from Nirvana, all of em pinging off each other and running around and looking at mother and father. All of them wide-eyed and slobbery and jellied in the knees, screaming out loud gee-ooh-shee-da-da-da-da et al, all this gibberish nonsense that means nothing to anybody except for maybe them, cause every incoherent little syllable makes one or the other smile big, point a silly little finger this way or that. Sometimes up at the silvery light of midday coming through the big round atrium, crooked little tiny fingers and perfect round little pinkpale nails, terribly small. I am scared at how small, all of them, tiny people with big old lives and this one is a carpenter in training pants, this one is a soldier and this one, this one in the corner is the poet and he says his ga-ga-ga incessently, and suddenly Mother decides she needs to have a browse about the shoe store, and Father needs a new pair of slacks, and one by one they get picked up and toted off, little tiny spheres of influence, all assimilated and bye-bye, waving to each other in their goopy language with their salivacious faces wrought in tiny little smiles, ephemereal little whispers of something, bye bye.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
My Missing Pieces
Hold up. Stick your nose up. Smell the air, try to compare to how it was back there. When we knew. Knew what was true. Knew what to do. When we had nothing to lose. But now it’s gone and it’s been so long, and I miss hanging out with you and your mom, but you still look so strong. Like me you see, we still try to be what they want us to be. But before, we could ignore, we could be free to be who we wanted to be, just you and me. And now I can’t see were those moments could be. We built up these walls, to tall to call to each other when we miss one another. You called me a brother. And we put my A’s on your fridge as a bridge to each other. But the bridge has been broken, and this is my token, to you my friend, who still can’t comprehend, how I brake and you bend, and I tried to make amends, but we’re both hurt again. I miss you.
promise something happy next time :)
promise something happy next time :)
maybe we'll go too far, we just don't care
a string tugged on my collar bone, pulling me towards the door. i listened for any noise, heard the hum of the dishwasher and opened my eyes wide as if i had just drank a venti. my shaky hands found my glasses and i slowly opened my door and listened for noise again. it was one of those urges, my midnight snack. couple steps down the hall, i grabbed for my vice. my chocolate, my potato chips, my licorice. the strings pulled up to prepare for the snack i had been craving from earlier that day. before when i couldn't feel your insults or misunderstanding. now it was dripping onto my skin, staining everything in sight. my eyes closed for the first time as i savored the sweet flavor. i wiped up the creation and the strings pulled everything down. my urge now replaced with the sting of salt and binging. i take my glasses off and lay down. i'll clean up in the morning.
my happiness
I want to rhyme about this but I can't seem to find it appropriate. Because, well, it seems like it should be something soft, something fragile, something sweet and, honestly, I can't really find the right words to express it. There are no words to express that grin that spreads across my face no matter my mood when he calls me that nickname and calls me "his." Or, I can't explain how giddy it makes me when I tickle him and he giggles like a little kid and squirms to get away. I just can't quite tell how or why it is that when he hugs me and I'm wrapped up in his arms, I feel safe and even though it's cold outside I'm warm and I just don't wanna move. And when we walk side by side and I see our shadows (he never notices me looking) it makes me smile and he thinks I'm crazy because I giggle for no reason. Some people might think I'm moving on too fast but...I never want to look back and say "what if...?" Everybody gets one life to do with what they want. Me, I want to be in love and be loved, uninhibited and in complete bliss. This is my opportunity, and I'm gonna take it.
A Wish
If I could ask god for one thing, I would ask him for a day like tomorrow that would never really happen. I mean, I would ask him to let me wake up one day, and just live like I wish I could. Not be afraid to tell people what I truly feel about them, or to speak my mind. I would ask him to give me that chance, to leave my fears behind. I would ask him that when that day was over, I would go to sleep, and wake up, and the day would have never happened. It would just be a dream in my memory. Just so I could know, know if putting it all on the table would make me the happiest I've ever been, or if it would just mess everything up. Would I go to sleep on that day, and tell god, "thanks for letting me know that you cant always be accepted and happy with your true self", or would I tell him "you know, you could forget about my wish, and just let this day be, cause if you take it away, I would just live it the same again tomorrow". What would that day teach me? And here comes a question I am too scared to ask… why don't I make that day tomorrow? What if tomorrow night I could pray and say, "This is how I want to live everyday". Take god out of it. What if I went into tomorrow, and lived it like I tell my self I want to. Do the things I tell myself I'm gonna do just before I fall asleep? You see, what I'm starting to believe is that the risks involved in living your days like that aren't really that big of risks at all, they are more like opportunities.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
listening
I've been hearing these hideous things
the words that you've been comiserating
the pop culture overture is boring
its now in my words i'm storing
on this internet blog
at four in the morning
if i could escape the touring
i'd run away from this fate
but its been following me, labled "HATE"
so i turned around and accepted it message
and heard the things it said
it made no sense when it resorted to this
@#$% the clairty, and enter the misery
of your simple petty reminding
would you like to go on pining?
or just wondering where your life is winding?
i've got wind under my heels, and holes in my sails
i've been on this ocean for a decade
waiting for rescue ships to cascade on my parade
throwing parties in my basement
sent the mini-market to a new department
my sanity is in a television screen that i don't watch
while my ego is encased in the glass words of i am
so take my hand and enter this constant sand
the aparture of new apartment lands
light escaping the hate they brew
the beer and football overflows out windows
while white trash holds its hands in the glow
fire burned in the simple lands of kurds
destruction was a new induction
seduced by the things they introduced
the songs were so groovy
and the sounds we so moody
take my hand and take this plan
we've got a new era ahead of us
but i'm strangling to establish
paralax of introduction tracks
my fake facade is a description of the pod
this underground milligram pill came in to prod
productions and prophalatic tours
holding back the composers scores
wondering about the unwritten overtures
my mind is bothered, sitting here alone
its just me, just that, just him, just alone
just told, just sold, just broken bones
just a song, just a poem, just words
just a blog, just an expression
just a face, just a direction
so whats that called? APATHY
apathy is my greatest friendly
its the one that holds me, i've got no empathy
or at least, that they can see.
so remember when i talk about milligram sanity.
~keeping chilled
Love,
Digress.
the words that you've been comiserating
the pop culture overture is boring
its now in my words i'm storing
on this internet blog
at four in the morning
if i could escape the touring
i'd run away from this fate
but its been following me, labled "HATE"
so i turned around and accepted it message
and heard the things it said
it made no sense when it resorted to this
@#$% the clairty, and enter the misery
of your simple petty reminding
would you like to go on pining?
or just wondering where your life is winding?
i've got wind under my heels, and holes in my sails
i've been on this ocean for a decade
waiting for rescue ships to cascade on my parade
throwing parties in my basement
sent the mini-market to a new department
my sanity is in a television screen that i don't watch
while my ego is encased in the glass words of i am
so take my hand and enter this constant sand
the aparture of new apartment lands
light escaping the hate they brew
the beer and football overflows out windows
while white trash holds its hands in the glow
fire burned in the simple lands of kurds
destruction was a new induction
seduced by the things they introduced
the songs were so groovy
and the sounds we so moody
take my hand and take this plan
we've got a new era ahead of us
but i'm strangling to establish
paralax of introduction tracks
my fake facade is a description of the pod
this underground milligram pill came in to prod
productions and prophalatic tours
holding back the composers scores
wondering about the unwritten overtures
my mind is bothered, sitting here alone
its just me, just that, just him, just alone
just told, just sold, just broken bones
just a song, just a poem, just words
just a blog, just an expression
just a face, just a direction
so whats that called? APATHY
apathy is my greatest friendly
its the one that holds me, i've got no empathy
or at least, that they can see.
so remember when i talk about milligram sanity.
~keeping chilled
Love,
Digress.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Something Light?
You said you wanted something light--light like Love. Since when has Love been light? Light things blow away in the wind, they break easily, and leave little impressions. That doesn't sound anything like Love. Love is that incredible feeling within your chest, like a huge breath of living air that keeps on coming, something alive, a fire, and a brilliant, radiant light shining out from inside. Love is the life and spirit of you jumping out. Love is what causes the sides of your mouth to curl uncontrollably, for you to dance for no reason, and what allows you to see the world as a better place. Love makes us better people--it results in spontaneous giving, undying compassion, selfless sacrifice, and unbridled happiness. Love is the most powerful and awe-inspiring condition within the human heart. Love is the driving force behind all that we wish to be as people. Love is what allows us to thrive.
You call that light?
Author's Note: Thanks to Maya Angelou for some inspiration
You call that light?
Author's Note: Thanks to Maya Angelou for some inspiration
Game on
Singsong wordalong tagyour IT!
Connecttwo spitin doubletime Wham
PhiSlamma wordto yourgrandma Smack!
Multisyllabicelectrostatic armhair risinup Thud
Holdinbreath writinfaster whosthe masterblaster POOF!
Aintno thangrabbitt hitit spitit yeahyou getit sonow giveit Shhhooot
Wordhop Skotchjumpin JacksUp myeyes andmind readindrhyme indouble timeYo!
PeasOut!
Connecttwo spitin doubletime Wham
PhiSlamma wordto yourgrandma Smack!
Multisyllabicelectrostatic armhair risinup Thud
Holdinbreath writinfaster whosthe masterblaster POOF!
Aintno thangrabbitt hitit spitit yeahyou getit sonow giveit Shhhooot
Wordhop Skotchjumpin JacksUp myeyes andmind readindrhyme indouble timeYo!
PeasOut!
I want a window...
I want a window to see my future. I want to look out and about and see through, over, and beyond what there is to come. I want to look past the bright pink window panes and look at the grass, trees, streets and lights that resemble what is to come. I want to roll around in the sweet smell of fresh cut grass in the summer, resembling the thorns that poke you in the side every once in a while. I want to watch the cars pass by me, and wonder where they are in a hurry to get to and why there are always so many, every hour of the day. I want to warn them to slow down and enjoy life because you never know when you will have to slam on the breaks to avoid an accident. I want to stare directly into all the lights of the posts, headlights, and any other form that makes me wish there were none, so that all of us could look up -really look up- and see the stars. Wonder what they hold. What other people, like us, and maybe nothing like us, that are out there. I want to look at all the trees, some strong and some weak. Like a connection to us, that are waiting to be watered with the rain, and i want to borrow its limbs to climb, so i can be high, and i can see. I want a window to know. A window to wisdom and a window to knowledge. To be certain about things to greet me in a year, a day, a second, a minute, or 30 years. To make my conscience clear. To set the anger free. Someone. Set me free.
a response to your plea
Something light...something light...? Like, maybe the way it makes me feel when I wake up and the sun is just barely rising and I see those pink and purple and orange streaks in the sky? Or when I do 100 sit-ups and my abs hurt so bad but all I can do is laugh and laugh until it hurts so bad I wanna stop but I just can't? Or what about waking up from a nap with a smile on my face because I just had a dream about curling up in his arms and taking a nap? Hmm, I wonder if what you mean is (I suppose it might be) that first big drop of a roller coaster feeling, the one where your stomach rises to your throat or drops to your feet (I suppose it changes from person to person) and you scream and (hopefully) your mouth waters and that makes you drool and it hits you in the face...and you live in that single moment with its twists and turns and loopy loops and there's nowhere else you'd rather be. Maybe something light could be something dark...like a dark room with candles lit and roses (or tulips) on the table and her (or him) smiling across at you and sharing a piece of cheesecake. Or could it be something heavy? Like being unafraid to be completely vulnerable and honest and open and letting somebody know you, the real you, the you you are when you're alone. Something heavy like L-O-V-E.
oh lord...
Oh and the parked car, in the half light, the snow that haloed our heads. The muse of a knitted blanket; him and I. The long way home. Star swept over cattails. A seven hour summer drive. Sweat in sugary rivulets. Hands held like lips locked like eyelashes kissed. Swimming in thousands of footprints. And held, such as we were, in undeclared love. Waves of. Oh and the parked car, in the half light. I remember. A playground in setting suns. Shore sounds and cricket hums. I wonder if he ever misses us; all that was said and done.Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Arms for oars
And where was God is what he is asking himself while he drives out West to be saved by his friends waiting at shore. They preach the religion of nautical residences, saying the Pacific has saved us, not knowing what he needs is a direction of his own. He has no reason not to be there and no reason to be anywhere else. But his @#$damn tires are @#$damn tired, the spare ain't there, he's on the wrong highway, and his map is full of crop circles from damp coffee mugs. As he leaves there are thoughts of his mother in Maine with her rosary palms, his sister in Baltimore with her neatly crossed arms, his brother in Boston with his stained glass knees, his dad buried under the Church of Saint Joseph's garden in New Jersey. He just wants out of the East. He turns up the car stereo. There's a song playing in the speakers and it sounds like this.
When he can't stand driving any longer he finds a motel to keep him in sleep. He dreams of streetlights telling ghost stories, ghosts telling secrets. He wakes up at dawn and starts out again. The pine trees and low sun remind him of this girl with curly cue curls, who kissed him square and steep on the bridge over Clover Creek, with her hands in her pockets before he took them out to hold, her eyes closed and ears cold, Fall just falling all over her shoulders. He's been out of love since she left, packed up and took his heart out of state. He might as well half admit he's looking for her, wherever out there she might be. He grips the steering wheel and tries to think of anyone else, anything else. There's a song playing in his head and it sounds like this.
He's off the highway following backroads, his map folded up and thrown from the window into a stretch of farms. Cattle eyes glare, like he doesn't belong, just aimless, as he is, sure and he's already yawning but determined to keep driving, over and down the backs of hills. A cadence starts swelling, rolling, pulling old thoughts out and leaving him empty. A sweet summer smell, grass and hay, sugary soil, comes to him as though through the open door of an oven. Wind shakes his cheeks and dries his mouth, which is open with something to sing but he doesn't know what. There's a song playing in your head and it sounds like this.
Looking around he remembers what his grandpa had told him about how he would be at home in the country, growing gardens and living off the land. Meanwhile his aunt had said he'd be better suited in the city, where his creative energy would flourish, and his social skills would soar, and his uncle said no, he should find the inbetween, the green of trees and the culture of marquees. Maybe some neon lights with sunflowers blooming. He's seen all of that and he's always stayed in the same place. East. He pulls over and opens the car door. Just a step of fiction short of storybook, he shouts into the cloudless sky. He removes his faith like a pair of sandals and leaves it at the side of the road. He shrugs with the motion of a wave traveling from one side of an ocean to the other. Five miles later he ends up where he's supposed to be.
When he can't stand driving any longer he finds a motel to keep him in sleep. He dreams of streetlights telling ghost stories, ghosts telling secrets. He wakes up at dawn and starts out again. The pine trees and low sun remind him of this girl with curly cue curls, who kissed him square and steep on the bridge over Clover Creek, with her hands in her pockets before he took them out to hold, her eyes closed and ears cold, Fall just falling all over her shoulders. He's been out of love since she left, packed up and took his heart out of state. He might as well half admit he's looking for her, wherever out there she might be. He grips the steering wheel and tries to think of anyone else, anything else. There's a song playing in his head and it sounds like this.
He's off the highway following backroads, his map folded up and thrown from the window into a stretch of farms. Cattle eyes glare, like he doesn't belong, just aimless, as he is, sure and he's already yawning but determined to keep driving, over and down the backs of hills. A cadence starts swelling, rolling, pulling old thoughts out and leaving him empty. A sweet summer smell, grass and hay, sugary soil, comes to him as though through the open door of an oven. Wind shakes his cheeks and dries his mouth, which is open with something to sing but he doesn't know what. There's a song playing in your head and it sounds like this.
Looking around he remembers what his grandpa had told him about how he would be at home in the country, growing gardens and living off the land. Meanwhile his aunt had said he'd be better suited in the city, where his creative energy would flourish, and his social skills would soar, and his uncle said no, he should find the inbetween, the green of trees and the culture of marquees. Maybe some neon lights with sunflowers blooming. He's seen all of that and he's always stayed in the same place. East. He pulls over and opens the car door. Just a step of fiction short of storybook, he shouts into the cloudless sky. He removes his faith like a pair of sandals and leaves it at the side of the road. He shrugs with the motion of a wave traveling from one side of an ocean to the other. Five miles later he ends up where he's supposed to be.
I want a Window
My window is clean and when the light is just right my reflection is oh oh oh so lean.
My window ain’t to my soul cuz that crap is so old
if you want to look inside me then ask me hard questions
cuz I ain’t ascared.
My window distracts me and pleases me and brings outside into me. Intimately.
My window is a time lapse
a concentration relapse and I don’t think you’re ready for this mishaps.
My window is sunglasses and five minutes between classes
and it makes the clock hands move like molasses.
My window is a movie and people peer in cuz they never knew me
but they wanted to so they walk by the window and wonder what they wanna know.
I heard them talking.
My window is like life
some people look in
and
some people look out
and those of us inside here we know what it’s all about cuz our window gives meaning unlike that bad light from the ceiling
and we lookout together
and we write as a feeling.
My window is the feeling in my gut and the tight in my chest
and you get quiet when I let you look inside and see the unrest
but it’s honest and it’s clear
like a window you can’t see.
My window you hear.
My window ain’t to my soul cuz that crap is so old
if you want to look inside me then ask me hard questions
cuz I ain’t ascared.
My window distracts me and pleases me and brings outside into me. Intimately.
My window is a time lapse
a concentration relapse and I don’t think you’re ready for this mishaps.
My window is sunglasses and five minutes between classes
and it makes the clock hands move like molasses.
My window is a movie and people peer in cuz they never knew me
but they wanted to so they walk by the window and wonder what they wanna know.
I heard them talking.
My window is like life
some people look in
and
some people look out
and those of us inside here we know what it’s all about cuz our window gives meaning unlike that bad light from the ceiling
and we lookout together
and we write as a feeling.
My window is the feeling in my gut and the tight in my chest
and you get quiet when I let you look inside and see the unrest
but it’s honest and it’s clear
like a window you can’t see.
My window you hear.
Letting You Down
Innocent years,
Daddy’s little girl.
You’d pick me up in your arms, and give me a whirl.
Six years of you and me dances.
No worries about my future romances.
Sharing butterfly kisses.
Singing along to the song,
Little did we know
that the road ahead was long.
It all began when high school started.
My grades were slipping,
and you knew I was smarter.
Hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Doing stuff, that I knew wasn’t allowed.
You have your ways of finding it all out.
You’d give me lectures,
but I wouldn’t have heard it,
even if you shouted.
One mistake after the other.
You hated how I had no respect for my mother.
No matter how bad the consequences were,
I’d go back to my old habits,
My old ways.
Things got worse, I got in trouble with the law,
I had screwed up big time,
and was about to lose it all.
Disappointed in me;
I cost you five hundred bucks,
Once again the middle child screwed up.
You’d think I’d learn after so many times,
I pushed your last buttons, when you found the wine.
You decided to send me away to a new school.
You wanted me to get a fresh start,
and to not break the rules.
I thought, …ah what the heck?...
It might be good to start off fresh.
It wasn’t long til I got in trouble,
And this time, I cost you more than double.
On a cold October, Saturday night,
$2500 is what it cost this time.
Being this bad of a daughter,
should seriously be a crime.
I’ve caused you so much more pain
than you ever should’ve known.
All my chances to prove myself,
I have now blown.
I’m in debt to you, over my head.
I owe you nearly one grand times ten.
All I’ve ever done is let you down,
Make you waste money- on my stupid mistakes…
Money that you rightfully earned.
So many mistakes,
I’m always falling down,
I keep trying harder, but it’s in my tears
that I seem to have drowned.
All the lies I have told, and the promises unfulfilled,
Always letting you down,
it’s your heart I’ve probably killed.
That’s all I do, is let you down,
and cause you pain,
that you never should’ve known.
Everytime I try to do something right,
it always turns out wrong.
I guess it’s just my luck of the draw.
I want you to know that I’m trying-
I will from now on,
And that I’m very sorry that
I’m always letting you down.
Daddy’s little girl.
You’d pick me up in your arms, and give me a whirl.
Six years of you and me dances.
No worries about my future romances.
Sharing butterfly kisses.
Singing along to the song,
Little did we know
that the road ahead was long.
It all began when high school started.
My grades were slipping,
and you knew I was smarter.
Hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Doing stuff, that I knew wasn’t allowed.
You have your ways of finding it all out.
You’d give me lectures,
but I wouldn’t have heard it,
even if you shouted.
One mistake after the other.
You hated how I had no respect for my mother.
No matter how bad the consequences were,
I’d go back to my old habits,
My old ways.
Things got worse, I got in trouble with the law,
I had screwed up big time,
and was about to lose it all.
Disappointed in me;
I cost you five hundred bucks,
Once again the middle child screwed up.
You’d think I’d learn after so many times,
I pushed your last buttons, when you found the wine.
You decided to send me away to a new school.
You wanted me to get a fresh start,
and to not break the rules.
I thought, …ah what the heck?...
It might be good to start off fresh.
It wasn’t long til I got in trouble,
And this time, I cost you more than double.
On a cold October, Saturday night,
$2500 is what it cost this time.
Being this bad of a daughter,
should seriously be a crime.
I’ve caused you so much more pain
than you ever should’ve known.
All my chances to prove myself,
I have now blown.
I’m in debt to you, over my head.
I owe you nearly one grand times ten.
All I’ve ever done is let you down,
Make you waste money- on my stupid mistakes…
Money that you rightfully earned.
So many mistakes,
I’m always falling down,
I keep trying harder, but it’s in my tears
that I seem to have drowned.
All the lies I have told, and the promises unfulfilled,
Always letting you down,
it’s your heart I’ve probably killed.
That’s all I do, is let you down,
and cause you pain,
that you never should’ve known.
Everytime I try to do something right,
it always turns out wrong.
I guess it’s just my luck of the draw.
I want you to know that I’m trying-
I will from now on,
And that I’m very sorry that
I’m always letting you down.
I Don't Think You're Ready...
I don't think you're ready to know,
because, you see,
you are so full of yourself.
Everything always
has to revolve around you.
When I tell you that I have a problem,
you say you have two.
The way you act,
just pisses me off.
You are so rude to me
when all you do is scoff.
You're not ready
to know these feelings that I have,
because you would just
turn your back and laugh.
because, you see,
you are so full of yourself.
Everything always
has to revolve around you.
When I tell you that I have a problem,
you say you have two.
The way you act,
just pisses me off.
You are so rude to me
when all you do is scoff.
You're not ready
to know these feelings that I have,
because you would just
turn your back and laugh.
Window
Looking out my window, down on the streets, I want to see the guy of my dreams. I want a window with a window seat, where I can read and write, and feel the sun's heat. I want a window that opens like two ballroom doors, and gazes out onto the stars of the universe. Out my window, and into the stars, I can reach every one of my dreams. Through my window I see my life as it lays ahead and I realize that I'm no where near ready yet. My window will open up opportunities to help me through life. It would be so relaxing to have no worries and just gaze out. With no window, there are no dreams, and a broken window is nothing but yet another shattered dream. I want a window so I can clearly see whether it is raining or snowing. I want a window to gaze out of when I am aching. I want a window to gaze out of and into the sky, a place where I can forget everything and write.
you're right, it is easier to write dark.
i could sit here all day and dig into my thoughts to find some light. truthfully, i feel more passionate about bad experiences, they evoke the creativity in me. guess my emotion.
my eyes can't blink, i don't feel the cold or the touch of your hand. my brain no longer has a sense of itself. i lay in bed and i cannot distinguish my lips from my chin. nor can i tell the difference between night and day, happiness or sadness. my tears have dried up and my mouth remains closed and emotionless. i don't feel, i don't love or taste or hurt or see. crazy thing is, i don't even care. i don't care if my stomach is growling, or my favorite show is on or that it's the first day of summer. everything is nothing. the nothing that creeps into every crevice and pore of my body and allows me to be nothing. i simply exist among my body, my hands, my life. even these words, they mean nothing to me, they simply exist.
Some Light
I want to see some light here. I want words about love. I want to smell food and hear sounds from the world. I want music words and musing and muses. The darkness is old, cliche, and easy to play. If it hurts fix it--from the inside out and feed me some sounds that paint my mind and give us all peace. Serene is a choice and it starts by squashing that voice that threatens and cries and wishes to quit. Yeah, I want some light.
Goodbye
So this is it
The end
It’s too soon
But nothing can change this
I’m so afraid
Afraid of saying goodbye
When it feels like I just said hello
I’m so afraid
Afraid to go and say my goodbyes
They say you’re awake now
But your not there
You can see me
But not know me
You can’t say, that’s Lauren
Oh how she has grown in the last five years
Since our family was shredded to pieces
By her and cold empty heart
Our family has only begun to repair the open wounds
And you won’t be there
To see them heal
Because there is only goodbyes left
But you can’t say them back
My feelings aren’t complete
Because I don’t know how to feel
We weren’t that close
But you were, you are an amazing man
The end
It’s too soon
But nothing can change this
I’m so afraid
Afraid of saying goodbye
When it feels like I just said hello
I’m so afraid
Afraid to go and say my goodbyes
They say you’re awake now
But your not there
You can see me
But not know me
You can’t say, that’s Lauren
Oh how she has grown in the last five years
Since our family was shredded to pieces
By her and cold empty heart
Our family has only begun to repair the open wounds
And you won’t be there
To see them heal
Because there is only goodbyes left
But you can’t say them back
My feelings aren’t complete
Because I don’t know how to feel
We weren’t that close
But you were, you are an amazing man
Monday, February 05, 2007
you just gotta
Sometimes it takes almost losing something to realize how bad you want it and how truly you need it. Sometimes it takes a storm, a hurricane, a volcano to realize how much you like it when things are calm. Sometimes you gotta cry before you can really feel and most times you gotta commit to falling before you're ready to get hurt. You might waste time on something before you realize it isn't worth the effort, but you have to give it a chance in order to ever know. Being scared isn't bad...only, it is if you let it hold you back. You can't erase the past but you can learn from yesterday and live today and build tomorrow and pray for the future.
Don’t take her
Everything comes down at once
My best friend
Locked away
She doesn’t belong
In a place, its all waste
Such as life
Right when you need it
Blood stains
Heart Pains
Can’t I get a little peace?
A day with no worries
Or heart break.
Makes me hate.
Everyone that wants to take place.
You can break my heart.
Don’t take her away.
You’ll make today
Worse then it really is.
I want to hate you
For doing this.
I want to make you feel the pain that I am in
It’s not going to make her sane
It won’t gain anything
It’s all just a fling.
I want you to know
You make it all worse
You are the reason for the hurt
I don’t want you here anymore!
You gave her more reason
For all the pain
And everything you put her through
I don’t blame her for playing this mind game with you
I don’t want to hear your name ever again.
My best friend
Locked away
She doesn’t belong
In a place, its all waste
Such as life
Right when you need it
Blood stains
Heart Pains
Can’t I get a little peace?
A day with no worries
Or heart break.
Makes me hate.
Everyone that wants to take place.
You can break my heart.
Don’t take her away.
You’ll make today
Worse then it really is.
I want to hate you
For doing this.
I want to make you feel the pain that I am in
It’s not going to make her sane
It won’t gain anything
It’s all just a fling.
I want you to know
You make it all worse
You are the reason for the hurt
I don’t want you here anymore!
You gave her more reason
For all the pain
And everything you put her through
I don’t blame her for playing this mind game with you
I don’t want to hear your name ever again.
stream
this just won't come naturally and so habitually i try to do it induvidually. when you find something you knew you didn't have when you spit words out like broken teeth falling outta your mouth when your heart says more than your lips can form words to so you gotta try something new and you gotta be true. to you and......only you. white space is a maze, it shows you grace and draws your gaze and you gotta wonder, just what it is that hides under that blunder that's your mess of words, like maybe is it something worth nothing or is it nothing worth everything or does it just blow your mind when your thoughts are confined to a page where your mind happens to be defined? so you say please you gotta understand that you had to take a stand. so when you shine above all the rest you can take it and call it mine.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Such Rhymes
I hear these rhymes flying, crying, and multiplying. They rhyme in good time and flow like some sick silk that wraps around my ears without fears of what it may say about some day
that changed the way we live life. They flow like lyrics; lucid, liquid syllables that live long after the last lamenting line leaves the page, and linger in the air like an unseen perfume, palpable and pungent. There's a beat to these rhymes, a rhythm, that makes you let go, flow, and grow. It's a click-clack, rap-tap, tapping, there came a tapping, someone gently rapping? Rhymes so sublime, one of a kind, they tingle down my spine, but so meek and mild are those of mine. A rhyme of mine I search for, so monumental and magnetic it draws you in and won't let go, it lasts for all time--that's why I rhyme.
that changed the way we live life. They flow like lyrics; lucid, liquid syllables that live long after the last lamenting line leaves the page, and linger in the air like an unseen perfume, palpable and pungent. There's a beat to these rhymes, a rhythm, that makes you let go, flow, and grow. It's a click-clack, rap-tap, tapping, there came a tapping, someone gently rapping? Rhymes so sublime, one of a kind, they tingle down my spine, but so meek and mild are those of mine. A rhyme of mine I search for, so monumental and magnetic it draws you in and won't let go, it lasts for all time--that's why I rhyme.
the wall
i never fully recovered.
the past events, scramble my brain.
it takes me back.
not to something good.
not to something bad.
but something so horrible,
so upsetting, that i cant bare to see the sun.
i cant explain, how close to home this hit me.
when the news hits, you laugh, you cant believe it.
you put it aside.
word gets around. you start to understand.
you are the only one not crying.
though its different when you see it.
you have these emotions, they want to spill out.
they are calling from within.
one thing can set you off.
a word, a memory.
you start to cry,
your knees hit the ground,
so hard you knee caps want to shadder.
your hand find their way together,
you want to pray,
god needs to know you feel.
you are a class act.
you get right back up.
wash away your tears.
cover your face.
walk tall.
understanding you cant be weak.
you have to the that leader.
they need to understand.
you are everyones wall.
the only man they can come to.
their comfort.
their brave soul.
the past events, scramble my brain.
it takes me back.
not to something good.
not to something bad.
but something so horrible,
so upsetting, that i cant bare to see the sun.
i cant explain, how close to home this hit me.
when the news hits, you laugh, you cant believe it.
you put it aside.
word gets around. you start to understand.
you are the only one not crying.
though its different when you see it.
you have these emotions, they want to spill out.
they are calling from within.
one thing can set you off.
a word, a memory.
you start to cry,
your knees hit the ground,
so hard you knee caps want to shadder.
your hand find their way together,
you want to pray,
god needs to know you feel.
you are a class act.
you get right back up.
wash away your tears.
cover your face.
walk tall.
understanding you cant be weak.
you have to the that leader.
they need to understand.
you are everyones wall.
the only man they can come to.
their comfort.
their brave soul.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Best Friends?
I don’t believe you
I don’t believe you when you say you miss me
or when you call me your best friend
I just don’t believe you
How can you say those things?
When in reality you ditch me and forget to call
You make it hard to believe
Believe in friendship
My past has been hard and at some points
It seemed like my cloud was lined with a dull ugly grey
Like there was no silver lining
No happy endings
But the past is gone and the future is now
But it wasn’t any different
Actually, you weren’t any different
You were the exact same as them
Those people who shredded my heart and made me question what friendship was
You are them, but you appear innocent and pure as a child
I once said you can’t live life without a best friend
But I was mistaken
I’m still alive
And I still just cant bring myself to believe you
I don’t believe you when you say you miss me
or when you call me your best friend
I just don’t believe you
How can you say those things?
When in reality you ditch me and forget to call
You make it hard to believe
Believe in friendship
My past has been hard and at some points
It seemed like my cloud was lined with a dull ugly grey
Like there was no silver lining
No happy endings
But the past is gone and the future is now
But it wasn’t any different
Actually, you weren’t any different
You were the exact same as them
Those people who shredded my heart and made me question what friendship was
You are them, but you appear innocent and pure as a child
I once said you can’t live life without a best friend
But I was mistaken
I’m still alive
And I still just cant bring myself to believe you
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Cries of Frustration
Who do I go to?
Who do I tell?
I am so confused,
I just want to yell.
Did you not learn anything
from the most recent events?
Have you thought things over?
Probably not, but it depends.
You could have been feeling this,
long before now,
and you're finally deciding
to voice it to me...wow.
Shocked - I don't know what to say,
I never would have guessed.
But believe me when I tell you
that this isn't for the best.
You ask me what else is out there,
and say there can't be anything worth living for.
But believe me, there is,
and there is so much more.
No matter what you're going through,
I know you can over come it,
With a little self-confidence,
And a friend there to help.
You say that you have
little reason not to leave.
And the only reason you're still here,
Is because of a few others - but mostly me.
Maybe life has dealt you
a few bad hands,
But who knows
what the future has planned.
Everyone is going to get dealt some bad hands,
That's just the way life is,
And yes, sometimes it hurts like a bitch.
But that doesn't mean
that times won't get better.
Who knows that you won't get your next hand,
Dealt on that silver platter?
You tell me that
you don't know how to deal,
and that the old familiar razor
no longer heals.
That isn't the only thing that heals,
and don't roll your eyes at me,
Because I went through
This same ordeal.
You tell me the questions
that are running through your mind,
"Should I, Shouldn't I,
Would anyone really care if I died?"
Trust me,
you would affect more people than you think,
If you decided to leave your last said words,
Inscribed in ink.
So please, hold on to whatever you can find,
Any reason that seems good enough.
I've lost so many friends this way, 5 to sum it up,
and I don't want to lose another one.
Who do I tell?
I am so confused,
I just want to yell.
Did you not learn anything
from the most recent events?
Have you thought things over?
Probably not, but it depends.
You could have been feeling this,
long before now,
and you're finally deciding
to voice it to me...wow.
Shocked - I don't know what to say,
I never would have guessed.
But believe me when I tell you
that this isn't for the best.
You ask me what else is out there,
and say there can't be anything worth living for.
But believe me, there is,
and there is so much more.
No matter what you're going through,
I know you can over come it,
With a little self-confidence,
And a friend there to help.
You say that you have
little reason not to leave.
And the only reason you're still here,
Is because of a few others - but mostly me.
Maybe life has dealt you
a few bad hands,
But who knows
what the future has planned.
Everyone is going to get dealt some bad hands,
That's just the way life is,
And yes, sometimes it hurts like a bitch.
But that doesn't mean
that times won't get better.
Who knows that you won't get your next hand,
Dealt on that silver platter?
You tell me that
you don't know how to deal,
and that the old familiar razor
no longer heals.
That isn't the only thing that heals,
and don't roll your eyes at me,
Because I went through
This same ordeal.
You tell me the questions
that are running through your mind,
"Should I, Shouldn't I,
Would anyone really care if I died?"
Trust me,
you would affect more people than you think,
If you decided to leave your last said words,
Inscribed in ink.
So please, hold on to whatever you can find,
Any reason that seems good enough.
I've lost so many friends this way, 5 to sum it up,
and I don't want to lose another one.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I wanna reach
Into your soul. Cliche! I mean, I want to reach into your mind and ask one question, maybe two because I talk a lot. I want to know why, why did you have to now? Why did I have to push you in your wheelchair? I want to reach in you brain, stop all your blood vessels from constricting and have you with me longer. I wasn't sure I'd see you yesterday. I got so scared when you weren't in your office. I said Daddy, Dad please stop, please just be sitting there where I can come sit on your lap and feel safe. Your baby, so safe, I wanna reach and make your pain disappear, give you feeling back in your hand. I want to stop you from crying and I want to feel like your baby daughter. I wanna reach into our family history, stop it from ever spreading and stop me from getting it. I don't want to reach for the shaving cream to shave your beard for you or reach for the tissue when a sad commercial plays. I hold my breath everytime I see your body lying in bed, wait for you to move. And talk. I wanna reach over and take that lawn mower that destroyed my manly, tough father. You didn't know, you were just trying to help and I couldn't see you. I'm sorry I cried in front of you. I didn't get to you fast enough and you couldn't talk, it was like my heart was torn into a million pieces, your face to one side. I want to make you better again.
I love endings
I love endings because it can only bring new beginnings. The things that I want to end the most are those that hurt the most. I want my Grandparents to end their childish behavior and be the Grandparents they should be. The ones that love with their hearts and not with the money from their wallets. The ones that send a cheesy birthday card with a small check but also come to my choir concerts and my soccer games. I would love this ending one because it would bring me two Grandparents that every grandchild deserves. A beginning to a new family that would no longer dread holidays, but enjoy being with each other on days besides Christmas and Easter. These are endings that only happen in fairy tales and dreams. The happily every after endings that we all dream about but never come alive in reality.
Hate...?
I hate that
no matter how bad you treat me,
my feelings inside
for you still grow.
Every harsh word said,
Every back turned.
I try to let you see,
but everytime i just get burned.
I hate that
I need your touch,
and the warmth of you there.
Whenever I am in your arms,
I feel like I'm floating on air.
Everyday seems so
different than the last,
One day you are right next to me,
but the next, I'm just the past.
I hate how
well you know me.
Every mistake, every fear.
I hate how
it's you who's causing all these tears.
I hate all
my late night phone calls,
in times of desperate need,
and you lying to me, saying,
"Why'd you do it?...You know
you can count on me".
I hate it when
you lie to me,
and you know
I know the truth.
Don't give me
all this bull shit!
How can you
be so cruel?
I hate how
you play favorites,
and that it's different everyday.
I hate that
what hurts me the most,
are the things that you don't say.
I hate the
way I feel
when I catch the gaze
of your
easy-to-get-lost-in-
brown eyes.
I hate how
you used to understand me,
and
I hate that it's for you I would die.
The ironic thing is,
I don't hate you at all,
I just hate the fact that I let myself fall.
Writer's cramp is setting in, so I guess I must go.
I doubt that you'll ever read this,
but if you do,
then my true feelings you will know.
no matter how bad you treat me,
my feelings inside
for you still grow.
Every harsh word said,
Every back turned.
I try to let you see,
but everytime i just get burned.
I hate that
I need your touch,
and the warmth of you there.
Whenever I am in your arms,
I feel like I'm floating on air.
Everyday seems so
different than the last,
One day you are right next to me,
but the next, I'm just the past.
I hate how
well you know me.
Every mistake, every fear.
I hate how
it's you who's causing all these tears.
I hate all
my late night phone calls,
in times of desperate need,
and you lying to me, saying,
"Why'd you do it?...You know
you can count on me".
I hate it when
you lie to me,
and you know
I know the truth.
Don't give me
all this bull shit!
How can you
be so cruel?
I hate how
you play favorites,
and that it's different everyday.
I hate that
what hurts me the most,
are the things that you don't say.
I hate the
way I feel
when I catch the gaze
of your
easy-to-get-lost-in-
brown eyes.
I hate how
you used to understand me,
and
I hate that it's for you I would die.
The ironic thing is,
I don't hate you at all,
I just hate the fact that I let myself fall.
Writer's cramp is setting in, so I guess I must go.
I doubt that you'll ever read this,
but if you do,
then my true feelings you will know.
Monday, January 29, 2007
I love beginnings
It's like the sweet taste of chocolate and raspberries left in my mouth...like feeling the sun on a cold day...like a long nap. It's exciting and delicious and interesting and scary. This...this knowing there's something where there used to be nothing, this knowing he's gonna be there, this feeling of re-defining the big word. It's giggling and cuddling and learning boundaries; nothing fights and "I'm sorry"s and safe places to fall. It's ridiculous, really, how totally and completely somebody can get wrapped up in a moment, this moment where nothing could ruin the mood they're (I'm) in, and, to be completely honest, is it fair to say that I could've been here sooner? Twitterpated (Bambi) That's what I'd call it.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Untitled.
Im sorry for everything i did to you
Im sorry for everything i put you through
My only hope
is that you'll do
what ive always wanted you to
and forgive me.
Please dont look at the past or future
The here and now is where we are.
Just hold my hand and understand
That i love you more than you'll ever know.
Im sorry for everything i put you through
My only hope
is that you'll do
what ive always wanted you to
and forgive me.
Please dont look at the past or future
The here and now is where we are.
Just hold my hand and understand
That i love you more than you'll ever know.
Love memory
Love.
It seems as though when i feel it,
It slips through my fingers.
I cant hold on to this- crushing feeling-
I need to move on
but i cant seem to forget
you in my past
Now just a memory to me.
Please, just let it be.
I cant live with this pain anymore.
Just forget, what i will not regret.
And leave this memory alone.
It seems as though when i feel it,
It slips through my fingers.
I cant hold on to this- crushing feeling-
I need to move on
but i cant seem to forget
you in my past
Now just a memory to me.
Please, just let it be.
I cant live with this pain anymore.
Just forget, what i will not regret.
And leave this memory alone.
My generation.
my generation. is hip. is unique. What will it become? Everyone is so generalized. All the old people look at us and say "what will they become?" and shake their heads and think about a better day. Who knows what we're going to turn out to be. Well i say that i cant speak for everyone else but as for me...i WILL become something, someone, exactly what i want out of life. I refuse not to. Too many people have told me that i "can't" or "won't" and every next person that says those things, especially when its my oen father, makes me just want to succeed more. And dont worry, I am going to become a novelist and psychologist for troubled kids, and i will start my own practice, and live life the way i want, and in the direction that it takes me. And as for my generation. I have faith in that too. Call me cocky, over-hopeful, too confident, whatever you may please. But i just like to call myself.
My Future.
Say good-bye to the smoker, non-productive, messed up, good for nothing teen. My future is something for everyone to recognize. So, to those of you who say i cant. Wait for the future. Then ill be saying "you wont"
My future is mine.
My Future.
Say good-bye to the smoker, non-productive, messed up, good for nothing teen. My future is something for everyone to recognize. So, to those of you who say i cant. Wait for the future. Then ill be saying "you wont"
My future is mine.
Endings.
The end is near
and all that i ever saw is clear
This is the time ive been waiting for
much like a metaphor
To see whats on the other side
to see beyond
what i live everyday
I wanted to be
what you wanted me to see
like a picture
placed in a crowded room
that stands out
like the one in a room
this is real
like its clear
its all been here before
like the nightmare i re-live
let me know what you want
what do i do
what do i see in you?
Its all at the end.
and all that i ever saw is clear
This is the time ive been waiting for
much like a metaphor
To see whats on the other side
to see beyond
what i live everyday
I wanted to be
what you wanted me to see
like a picture
placed in a crowded room
that stands out
like the one in a room
this is real
like its clear
its all been here before
like the nightmare i re-live
let me know what you want
what do i do
what do i see in you?
Its all at the end.
The Way I'll Always Be
Why do I still waste my time on you?
When you aren't willing to waste time on me
I would do anything and everything for you
But that's something you choose not to see.
Why do I still talk to you?
When you won't even pick up the phone
I need you now more than ever before
Because now I'm on my own.
Why do I still think about you?
Because if I didn't I'd lose my mind
But what about all of the memories?
I could not ever leave them behind.
Why do I still wish you would come back?
When I know it will never come true
Twinkle, twinkle little star
My wish is always you.
Why do I still love you?
That's something I could never explain
I would still take a bullet and die for you
Even after enduring this pain.
Why can I not hate you?
After all you've put me through
I honestly could not tell you
But it`s something I can`t do.
Why do I care so much?
About people who never care for me
I guess it's just the way I am
The way I'll always be.
When you aren't willing to waste time on me
I would do anything and everything for you
But that's something you choose not to see.
Why do I still talk to you?
When you won't even pick up the phone
I need you now more than ever before
Because now I'm on my own.
Why do I still think about you?
Because if I didn't I'd lose my mind
But what about all of the memories?
I could not ever leave them behind.
Why do I still wish you would come back?
When I know it will never come true
Twinkle, twinkle little star
My wish is always you.
Why do I still love you?
That's something I could never explain
I would still take a bullet and die for you
Even after enduring this pain.
Why can I not hate you?
After all you've put me through
I honestly could not tell you
But it`s something I can`t do.
Why do I care so much?
About people who never care for me
I guess it's just the way I am
The way I'll always be.
People Like Me
Laughing and poking fun,
it's not always funny to everyone.
People so inconsiderate of others around,
They don't seem to care
if they cause someone to fall down.
Judgements being made everyday,
Because of who you are,
Or what you do on a bad day.
They don't think that the words they say,
will affect anyone in any way.
"Hey...you look so sad, can I get you a razor
so you can make a scar?",
they say and laugh so hard.
Little do they know that I'm the one scarred.
And at each-what they call- "harmless joke",
I scar even more,
Not only on the outside,
but deep into my soul.
Trying so very hard to not let it get to me,
but it's only getting harder,
why can't they just leave it be?
I dealt with it,
Defeated it,
and put it in the past,
but it seems like it came back so fast.
Why can't they just wake up and see,
that people deal with this...maybe...
People like me.
it's not always funny to everyone.
People so inconsiderate of others around,
They don't seem to care
if they cause someone to fall down.
Judgements being made everyday,
Because of who you are,
Or what you do on a bad day.
They don't think that the words they say,
will affect anyone in any way.
"Hey...you look so sad, can I get you a razor
so you can make a scar?",
they say and laugh so hard.
Little do they know that I'm the one scarred.
And at each-what they call- "harmless joke",
I scar even more,
Not only on the outside,
but deep into my soul.
Trying so very hard to not let it get to me,
but it's only getting harder,
why can't they just leave it be?
I dealt with it,
Defeated it,
and put it in the past,
but it seems like it came back so fast.
Why can't they just wake up and see,
that people deal with this...maybe...
People like me.
What Makes Love Great
What makes love so great?
It's such a big risk,
that I'm willing to take.
It's amazing how quickly
I tend to fall,
because of every late night phone call.
It starts with a rose,
then a teddy bear,
next comes a bracelet,
or a necklace to wear.
Two arms wrapped around me,
that make me feel so loved.
Two arms that make me feel
like he could be the one.
Every soft, gentle kiss,
hello or good-bye,
tells me that he cares,
and that it's gonna be all right.
Every joke he makes,
to bring me up when I am down,
He loves it when I smile
and doesn't want to see me frown.
The look in his eyes,
the way that I feel,
it's so amazing,
because it seems so real.
But what happens when it's not,
Or when all the magic's gone,
and was never there at all?
One heart gets broken,
It's almost never both.
Tears won't stop flowing,
can it get any worse?
Love begins and ends with a fall,
The risk that I took is what I should blame it on.
So what is it that makes love so great?
Maybe love is not so great after all.
It's such a big risk,
that I'm willing to take.
It's amazing how quickly
I tend to fall,
because of every late night phone call.
It starts with a rose,
then a teddy bear,
next comes a bracelet,
or a necklace to wear.
Two arms wrapped around me,
that make me feel so loved.
Two arms that make me feel
like he could be the one.
Every soft, gentle kiss,
hello or good-bye,
tells me that he cares,
and that it's gonna be all right.
Every joke he makes,
to bring me up when I am down,
He loves it when I smile
and doesn't want to see me frown.
The look in his eyes,
the way that I feel,
it's so amazing,
because it seems so real.
But what happens when it's not,
Or when all the magic's gone,
and was never there at all?
One heart gets broken,
It's almost never both.
Tears won't stop flowing,
can it get any worse?
Love begins and ends with a fall,
The risk that I took is what I should blame it on.
So what is it that makes love so great?
Maybe love is not so great after all.
Friday, January 26, 2007
hmm maybe I made a mistake
Not wanting worry or sympathy
sorry if that's what it's gotten me
not really thinking before I put it on
just feeling like my heart was gone
thoughts fogging up my good judgement
just should have left the words in print
I'll be ok I always am
dealing with issues in the fam
if you still want to talk that's ok
I'm not quite sure what to say
thing is this semesters a little sour
and now I have a sevent hour
so I'll see if your there after school?
sorry if that's what it's gotten me
not really thinking before I put it on
just feeling like my heart was gone
thoughts fogging up my good judgement
just should have left the words in print
I'll be ok I always am
dealing with issues in the fam
if you still want to talk that's ok
I'm not quite sure what to say
thing is this semesters a little sour
and now I have a sevent hour
so I'll see if your there after school?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
a safe place
I sit, a Ken doll head staring at me, next to a gold pig...man, I miss this. These kids don't quite know yet how lucky they are to be in here. A list, not taken seriously, a prompt, supposed to be serious and sincere. Does it make you nervous, the way he leans over your shoulder, observing...thinking, reading...learning..? The yellow and purple walls, the numerous posters (my favorite: the feeling wheel), the music playing - softly beckoning you to greater lands...places of poetry of honesty of vulnerability of peace. Do it. Take a risk, write something true and beautiful and....you. I miss this hour of my day where anything goes, when I have a safe place to say what I gotta say and just get it out, just put it down on paper, show my colors. In this room, I have power because I give myself power and I believe in my power. and then he says "find a period" so I leave this part blank
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Please Understand. Me.
I can not survivie without you.
My soul breaks
My heart Aches
And we can not be together.
In the midst of the day
Our love is at bay
when no one can stand
to stay or go
Im on my knees
begging you, please
for you not to walk away.
When you walk away from me
my heart fills the day
with empty thoughts and feelings
my mind takes the blankness
and molds it into great-ness
with which i can read to you.
I take the thoughts and form them to understand,
the inner turmoil i face today.
Please understand why i cant hold your hand,
and tell you that i love you too.
My soul breaks
My heart Aches
And we can not be together.
In the midst of the day
Our love is at bay
when no one can stand
to stay or go
Im on my knees
begging you, please
for you not to walk away.
When you walk away from me
my heart fills the day
with empty thoughts and feelings
my mind takes the blankness
and molds it into great-ness
with which i can read to you.
I take the thoughts and form them to understand,
the inner turmoil i face today.
Please understand why i cant hold your hand,
and tell you that i love you too.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
When your nothing to everyone...
tear drops fall on my economics homework
too much on my mind
wanting to push the stop button on my life...
then push rewind
I never would have liked him
I never would have gone
I never would have known "THEM"
I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE!
I wouldn't have had to leave my friends or my school
I still would have my job
I never would have known their unwritten rule
That life would still be going
I'd be on my old side of the fence
My Illinois life I've known for so long, wouldn't be a past tense
They don't want me here anymore
they think it's time to go
the fact that they know how many days I have left
is a huge blow
Forced to pick sides
draw a white line through my loyalties
It's obvious where I am going to go
which tide I'm going to ride
the family I've had for 18 years
over the one I've known for five
feeling the inflamation in my heart
and the water in my eyes
Praying that before anyone comes down the stairs
it subsides and dries
If I didn't have my notebook
or I didn't take that class
Basically if writing wasn't my "buzz"
I'd be the quiet, self destructive person
that I once was.
too much on my mind
wanting to push the stop button on my life...
then push rewind
I never would have liked him
I never would have gone
I never would have known "THEM"
I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE!
I wouldn't have had to leave my friends or my school
I still would have my job
I never would have known their unwritten rule
That life would still be going
I'd be on my old side of the fence
My Illinois life I've known for so long, wouldn't be a past tense
They don't want me here anymore
they think it's time to go
the fact that they know how many days I have left
is a huge blow
Forced to pick sides
draw a white line through my loyalties
It's obvious where I am going to go
which tide I'm going to ride
the family I've had for 18 years
over the one I've known for five
feeling the inflamation in my heart
and the water in my eyes
Praying that before anyone comes down the stairs
it subsides and dries
If I didn't have my notebook
or I didn't take that class
Basically if writing wasn't my "buzz"
I'd be the quiet, self destructive person
that I once was.
Monday, January 22, 2007
A Bedtime Story...my try at something new
Once in a distant land a young warrior stood on the edge of the world, he asked the gods for forgiveness. He asked for guidance. When he went upon the road he found a women of the rebels, yet he could not kill her. For within her he saw faith, she had been born to this life not knowing the rightful path. He took her in but she ran from him leaving nothing behind but a memory. As he followed a trail sung to him in his dreams he came upon the rebel camp. She smiled when she saw him and said, "you arrived sooner then anticipated." He looked about at what she called home, but instead of seeing the disgusting filth they lived in he saw happiness and prosperity. He thought to himself what have they done that the king has not. She smiled and said aloud, "we have prayed to the gods for forgiveness for our sins. and they have forgiven and granted us a new life." He stared at her when a male voice resounded from behind him, "as they have you, welcome newcomer I see you have chosen my daughter, Emerald as yours."
~Reikan~
~Reikan~
Gratitude
You're no angel, you said it yourself. You've had your ups and downs, though, now that I think of it, I don't know much about. You've seen me change, transform, become another person, maybe...did you see it happening? I faced fears I didn't acknowledge I had, I cried tears I didn't think I would, I made friends I never will forget. More than a teacher, you've become a friend, a trusted confidant (yeah, look at my big words), and a safe place to talk. See, people touch your life in different ways: some come at times when you need them most and teach you things you need to learn, some are always good for a laugh or a good piece of advice, and some leave you with something so deep inside - it's like footprints on a beach that no wave can wash away - you know you'll never forget them or the time you shared. All this and more: you've become. You're right, I am genuinely happy. I gave my heart and soul and in return....I got more than a pen. Thanks, Leyba.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
My Birthday...
Everyone gets one once a year
and it seems as if mine is here.
It's a "big one" 18 candles on the cake,
and that big box of presents is mine to take
that came yesterday from Illinois
from all of my relatives packed with joy.
To their_______ relative turning 18!
(who it's been a while since they've seen)
I should be happy and joyous,
everyone else is making quite a fuss,
but I can't help but be a little scared
to see exactly how I fare.
I've been a little stressed as the minutes passed,
and like most things they went to fast.
Now it's my one last one being a kid
and I want to feel like I once did,
with no stress or a care at all
and the only thing you planned was when to play ball.
But now it's over and adulthood is here.
my most prominate emotion-fear.
I'll get over it and be happy again,
and wear that cheesy "I'm 18" pin --(thanks Linz)
12:00 midnight
my "big year" finally in sight.
And my heart just dropped to the floor,
because I'm really not a kid anymore.
and it seems as if mine is here.
It's a "big one" 18 candles on the cake,
and that big box of presents is mine to take
that came yesterday from Illinois
from all of my relatives packed with joy.
To their_______ relative turning 18!
(who it's been a while since they've seen)
I should be happy and joyous,
everyone else is making quite a fuss,
but I can't help but be a little scared
to see exactly how I fare.
I've been a little stressed as the minutes passed,
and like most things they went to fast.
Now it's my one last one being a kid
and I want to feel like I once did,
with no stress or a care at all
and the only thing you planned was when to play ball.
But now it's over and adulthood is here.
my most prominate emotion-fear.
I'll get over it and be happy again,
and wear that cheesy "I'm 18" pin --(thanks Linz)
12:00 midnight
my "big year" finally in sight.
And my heart just dropped to the floor,
because I'm really not a kid anymore.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Digress two (this)
this is to the ones who always held my back
who would stand tall while i would attack
my panic, my left, my traffic, my right
tonight, you and i, we're gonna find life
i promise it'll be tight
just trust and believe
just trust and believe
tell me that right before you leave
i've got another ace up my sleeve
another ride down my greif
so open the heart, its a good start
my sense of self, is a sense past delt
no, i've got no meaning, i've got no dreaming
nightmares and strange stares
looking into my world, paired
sub par and inadequate
i've been working on my educate
i've been building my personality kit
so if we fail tonight, we're all gonna find
that its not the right time
so wait for next week, it'll be the message we seek
this is to the ones who gave me something
some time, just just empty my crime
to empty the guilt that passes through veins
tap the fame, tap the brain
allow it to leek into pens that seek
the proper words are meek
hobos and locals directing my vocals
i need to speak from the choke holds
expressing my weak souls
transferring, trespassing, and condescending
villainous in its attempt; steadily inspecting
so open breath, and open the rest
and open your chest for the ones who test
wasting ink, wasting time
conduits from sunken ships
this treasure was to remind
this treasure was for our kind
repetitive and complacent in sedative
relaxation in the meditative placement
if i could thank the people who gave me my rank
i'd tell them that rhymes were the tank
indestructible and very insightful
right to write, and write the right
standing in the field red to the west
and sun to the east
the night was long but it came up with a song
and it will never see the break of dawn
for the past life was present
now the common depth
is dependent on the breath
open this door to the new world order
last was first til the first became last
but what about the ones who outlast
and the ones considered trash
enough to bash and enough to cast
a spell upon those who never made it back
from the distant thoughts
and the correlating knots
walk with religion
walk with benediction
wait, i digress
forgive my breath
this is to the ones who inspired
this is to the ones who fed the fire
this is to the ones who never left my side.
who would stand tall while i would attack
my panic, my left, my traffic, my right
tonight, you and i, we're gonna find life
i promise it'll be tight
just trust and believe
just trust and believe
tell me that right before you leave
i've got another ace up my sleeve
another ride down my greif
so open the heart, its a good start
my sense of self, is a sense past delt
no, i've got no meaning, i've got no dreaming
nightmares and strange stares
looking into my world, paired
sub par and inadequate
i've been working on my educate
i've been building my personality kit
so if we fail tonight, we're all gonna find
that its not the right time
so wait for next week, it'll be the message we seek
this is to the ones who gave me something
some time, just just empty my crime
to empty the guilt that passes through veins
tap the fame, tap the brain
allow it to leek into pens that seek
the proper words are meek
hobos and locals directing my vocals
i need to speak from the choke holds
expressing my weak souls
transferring, trespassing, and condescending
villainous in its attempt; steadily inspecting
so open breath, and open the rest
and open your chest for the ones who test
wasting ink, wasting time
conduits from sunken ships
this treasure was to remind
this treasure was for our kind
repetitive and complacent in sedative
relaxation in the meditative placement
if i could thank the people who gave me my rank
i'd tell them that rhymes were the tank
indestructible and very insightful
right to write, and write the right
standing in the field red to the west
and sun to the east
the night was long but it came up with a song
and it will never see the break of dawn
for the past life was present
now the common depth
is dependent on the breath
open this door to the new world order
last was first til the first became last
but what about the ones who outlast
and the ones considered trash
enough to bash and enough to cast
a spell upon those who never made it back
from the distant thoughts
and the correlating knots
walk with religion
walk with benediction
wait, i digress
forgive my breath
this is to the ones who inspired
this is to the ones who fed the fire
this is to the ones who never left my side.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Torture Me
You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beaneath
All of eternity these things i see
Will torture me
Torture me With those words you use
Torture me Lighting up my fuse
Torture me
I cant see what im doing anymore
Here you go, Keep burning me
Teasing up the flame beaneth
Each one takes their turn with me
Trying to see
Torture me
Pullin' on me
Toture me
Your stabbin' me
With eternity
The way you look Inside of me
You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beneath
All of eternty these things i see
Will torture me.
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beaneath
All of eternity these things i see
Will torture me
Torture me With those words you use
Torture me Lighting up my fuse
Torture me
I cant see what im doing anymore
Here you go, Keep burning me
Teasing up the flame beaneth
Each one takes their turn with me
Trying to see
Torture me
Pullin' on me
Toture me
Your stabbin' me
With eternity
The way you look Inside of me
You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beneath
All of eternty these things i see
Will torture me.
This is me
Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
I stumble threw
Your world that
I call hell
Not much you see
Is what you want
What I see
Is who I am
Don’t wanna be
What you want
This is me
I stumbled then I fell
Cant walk around
With out everyone
Staring at me
Get used to it
Its who I am
I’m not a clone, I’m not like you
I make mistakes
I stumble and I fall
This is me
I’m not you
Don’t try to change me
It wont work
Get used to it
Cuz this is ME
Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
I stumble threw
Your world that
I call hell
Not much you see
Is what you want
What I see
Is who I am
Don’t wanna be
What you want
This is me
I stumbled then I fell
Cant walk around
With out everyone
Staring at me
Get used to it
Its who I am
I’m not a clone, I’m not like you
I make mistakes
I stumble and I fall
This is me
I’m not you
Don’t try to change me
It wont work
Get used to it
Cuz this is ME
Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
Everyday...
Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
The hurt the stabing
The smaking the grabing
The wounds the bruises
Wont be left untouched
The noises and the screaming
Filling my ears
The hurting the flinging
Forcing back tears
Why must you do this
Why do you hurt me
Everyday, you never miss
You never see
Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
The hurt the stabing
The smaking the grabing
The wounds the bruises
Wont be left untouched
The noises and the screaming
Filling my ears
The hurting the flinging
Forcing back tears
Why must you do this
Why do you hurt me
Everyday, you never miss
You never see
Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Leave Me Be
lost the ability to feel
nothing seems to be real
stumbling through the awakened hoursforcing my head out of the fog
faking my own existence
but i fail
the anchor holds me down
always will prevail.
the more i pray, the more i beg
maybe, just might
turn into another bad dream
but i know better
another one of your life learning schemes.
this torture is your call
trying to get even.
what did i ever do to you.
you'll never ever comprehend
all the damage you've caused to do me in.
nightmares of masked faces
replaced with blurred images of disappearing faces.
my memory struggles to remember
but the more frantic i blindly grasp
they tend to slip away.
silence trickles down my cheek
don't want to appear weak.
it's a never ending cycleonce i feel it's all starting to stop...
my pillowcase proves the existence of another drop.
i've grown accustomed to this loneliness
so much emptiness has filled me to the brim
anymore and i'm gonna explode
i can't take anymore
the soul has been sold.
my heart has burrowed deep
within my depths
this emotion seeking expedition
feels hopeless
the longer you're gone
the more you lose where you began
forget where the heart truly is.
wanna take a shot?
i'll never even flinch.
nothing seems to be real
stumbling through the awakened hoursforcing my head out of the fog
faking my own existence
but i fail
the anchor holds me down
always will prevail.
the more i pray, the more i beg
maybe, just might
turn into another bad dream
but i know better
another one of your life learning schemes.
this torture is your call
trying to get even.
what did i ever do to you.
you'll never ever comprehend
all the damage you've caused to do me in.
nightmares of masked faces
replaced with blurred images of disappearing faces.
my memory struggles to remember
but the more frantic i blindly grasp
they tend to slip away.
silence trickles down my cheek
don't want to appear weak.
it's a never ending cycleonce i feel it's all starting to stop...
my pillowcase proves the existence of another drop.
i've grown accustomed to this loneliness
so much emptiness has filled me to the brim
anymore and i'm gonna explode
i can't take anymore
the soul has been sold.
my heart has burrowed deep
within my depths
this emotion seeking expedition
feels hopeless
the longer you're gone
the more you lose where you began
forget where the heart truly is.
wanna take a shot?
i'll never even flinch.
Monday, January 15, 2007
My Own Epiphany
My calling
My flashing light
My sign from above
My passion
My dream
A rediscovered love
I've been waiting for something to happen all year
an answer
finality
all that I've sought
not ending the unknown my biggest fear
College?
Work?
An empty profession?
Or a life lived aimlessly with no direction?
For three calender years that has been my question.
What to become,
Who to "be"
Decide. Right now the future-set me.
The grasp. The hold
What's out there for me?
But it's all been inside of me the whole time
mostly executed by ryhme
the poems
the writings
all the words
have been soaring out of me like fleeing birds
And yet I've been trying to keep them dead
pushed away and hidden under my bed
Uncertainty
Question
Doubt
Fear
And yet my words have been the key all these years
This is it
The window I wanted
A day that matters
now each passing month won't make me sadder.
Enlightning
Eye opening
Ms. Whis freshman year you're more than done,
That is all thanks to the senior one.
Because you put me through those three years of strife
and you killed the dream he brought back to life.
Relief
A sigh
No more danger
I'm going to try to be that english major.
I feel in my head, I should hear a symphany
Because I finally had My Own Epiphany.
Thanks Mr. Leyba
My flashing light
My sign from above
My passion
My dream
A rediscovered love
I've been waiting for something to happen all year
an answer
finality
all that I've sought
not ending the unknown my biggest fear
College?
Work?
An empty profession?
Or a life lived aimlessly with no direction?
For three calender years that has been my question.
What to become,
Who to "be"
Decide. Right now the future-set me.
The grasp. The hold
What's out there for me?
But it's all been inside of me the whole time
mostly executed by ryhme
the poems
the writings
all the words
have been soaring out of me like fleeing birds
And yet I've been trying to keep them dead
pushed away and hidden under my bed
Uncertainty
Question
Doubt
Fear
And yet my words have been the key all these years
This is it
The window I wanted
A day that matters
now each passing month won't make me sadder.
Enlightning
Eye opening
Ms. Whis freshman year you're more than done,
That is all thanks to the senior one.
Because you put me through those three years of strife
and you killed the dream he brought back to life.
Relief
A sigh
No more danger
I'm going to try to be that english major.
I feel in my head, I should hear a symphany
Because I finally had My Own Epiphany.
Thanks Mr. Leyba
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I love this class
The ones who care are showin it I’m barely keeping it just above blowin it
Period 4 you brung it and own it and you know it
and other classes just say things like “he hates us”
but those hippies just can’t rhyme with us
they’re like a messy mouth kid try’n to lay a kiss on us
this p4 owns this floor
even though today is the last time you walk through that door
my heart is the place where you live now
you’re hall of famers word smith rhyme gamers
put other classes to shamers
U ain’t blamers and fools with eyes so red that when you bend over you bleed till your dead
no not this group
you are called a class for a reason
you’ve been leadin all season
like Special CJ just caught the pass
you caught a case of I’m kickin your ass
you are the the white writers of rhyme
and lovers of hard things to say on the page
not afraid to get made and show you have feelings
tears don’t mean weakness to you
they’re more like emotional fuel
not one of us felt like a fool hangin word hoops in the air
and maybe the Rabbit shoulda been in this lair
cuz he’s as close as it comes to havin word guns
bang
another word casualty
damn I rhyme my whole vocabulary
sister mary
biggy blue
god I’ll miss you
even gunton got me feelin sumthin
and I’m thinking of quittin the meat just for Jamie
and Kayla couldn’t blame me if I start drinkin after reading her reasons for being here
like that country star who loves this bar
I love this class
Period 4 you brung it and own it and you know it
and other classes just say things like “he hates us”
but those hippies just can’t rhyme with us
they’re like a messy mouth kid try’n to lay a kiss on us
this p4 owns this floor
even though today is the last time you walk through that door
my heart is the place where you live now
you’re hall of famers word smith rhyme gamers
put other classes to shamers
U ain’t blamers and fools with eyes so red that when you bend over you bleed till your dead
no not this group
you are called a class for a reason
you’ve been leadin all season
like Special CJ just caught the pass
you caught a case of I’m kickin your ass
you are the the white writers of rhyme
and lovers of hard things to say on the page
not afraid to get made and show you have feelings
tears don’t mean weakness to you
they’re more like emotional fuel
not one of us felt like a fool hangin word hoops in the air
and maybe the Rabbit shoulda been in this lair
cuz he’s as close as it comes to havin word guns
bang
another word casualty
damn I rhyme my whole vocabulary
sister mary
biggy blue
god I’ll miss you
even gunton got me feelin sumthin
and I’m thinking of quittin the meat just for Jamie
and Kayla couldn’t blame me if I start drinkin after reading her reasons for being here
like that country star who loves this bar
I love this class
Dear College
Dear College,
As you can clearly see this kid means a planet to me. I wouldn’t bother to send you words unless he she asked me to and greased my palm with a Franklin plus twenty. Oh, yes
Insert name here ________________
has kicked some ass and and passed my class and swept some floors and won some games and told some lies and dried some eyes but what I will remember are words the most the end rhyme host the peaches and pie and telling love goodbye and saving lives and renaming names and early late mid life memoir games where everyone wins as tears roll down and drip off chins and splash on pages we use as gauges to measure learning but what they really tell us is that we are all yearning for connection and truth and that the only thing exclusive to youth is youth
Dear College,
student number 3 zero 3 dash comma 2 zero zero 7 will almost assuredly impact the future and wakeup tomorrow
Seriously,
I’ve watched her him beg and borrow a pencil and paper but he she never forgets the cell phone so I recommend assigning homework via text messages cuz their thumb typing skills certainly gives technology workplace edges in the next decade we will not be out texted by any country –trust me
When it comes to spelling words U r going 2B so J & K ,during tests they will always BRB cuz I taught them to just make eye contact with me B4 they P
I will truly miss them but we’ll always be BFF
Oh and another thing B4 I go I guess you need to know that you might need to speak a little louder cuz they are da da da def from sick jams piped in by headphones
Don’t feel ignored or take it personally, they just got a technology jones.
Sincerely,
Mr. Teach Her/Him
As you can clearly see this kid means a planet to me. I wouldn’t bother to send you words unless he she asked me to and greased my palm with a Franklin plus twenty. Oh, yes
Insert name here ________________
has kicked some ass and and passed my class and swept some floors and won some games and told some lies and dried some eyes but what I will remember are words the most the end rhyme host the peaches and pie and telling love goodbye and saving lives and renaming names and early late mid life memoir games where everyone wins as tears roll down and drip off chins and splash on pages we use as gauges to measure learning but what they really tell us is that we are all yearning for connection and truth and that the only thing exclusive to youth is youth
Dear College,
student number 3 zero 3 dash comma 2 zero zero 7 will almost assuredly impact the future and wakeup tomorrow
Seriously,
I’ve watched her him beg and borrow a pencil and paper but he she never forgets the cell phone so I recommend assigning homework via text messages cuz their thumb typing skills certainly gives technology workplace edges in the next decade we will not be out texted by any country –trust me
When it comes to spelling words U r going 2B so J & K ,during tests they will always BRB cuz I taught them to just make eye contact with me B4 they P
I will truly miss them but we’ll always be BFF
Oh and another thing B4 I go I guess you need to know that you might need to speak a little louder cuz they are da da da def from sick jams piped in by headphones
Don’t feel ignored or take it personally, they just got a technology jones.
Sincerely,
Mr. Teach Her/Him
Friday, January 05, 2007
New Chapter
It seems like yesterday I was watching seniors leaving my fresmen year
I was sad I had so many friends in that class
Even my boyfriend was in that class
I felt like a part of me was being torn apart
It happened again the next year but somehow it didn't bother me
I didn't really know that class
Last year I felt a wave a fear overtake me as I watched them leave
My sister went with that class
Now we no longer talk
This year I know I will be the one to leave
But honestly I don't want to
I want to stay in high school longer
I want to hear Mr. D give the speech that makes me cry more then one more time
I want to sing in the choir for more then just a winter concert
I want to be able to come home every night and hear my mom say how was school
I want to make even more memories
I wish I had decided long ago that high school was the one place I felt at home
I wish I had realized that I've grown up
I wish I had realized earlier that what I did in high school would affect me forever
I wish I had realized that I would miss it
Even with all it's imperfections
I wish I could walk through those halls on my last day and know that I was ready
But I can't because I know that on that day I will be as scared as the first
Because I know I'm beginning a new chapter
~Reikan~
I was sad I had so many friends in that class
Even my boyfriend was in that class
I felt like a part of me was being torn apart
It happened again the next year but somehow it didn't bother me
I didn't really know that class
Last year I felt a wave a fear overtake me as I watched them leave
My sister went with that class
Now we no longer talk
This year I know I will be the one to leave
But honestly I don't want to
I want to stay in high school longer
I want to hear Mr. D give the speech that makes me cry more then one more time
I want to sing in the choir for more then just a winter concert
I want to be able to come home every night and hear my mom say how was school
I want to make even more memories
I wish I had decided long ago that high school was the one place I felt at home
I wish I had realized that I've grown up
I wish I had realized earlier that what I did in high school would affect me forever
I wish I had realized that I would miss it
Even with all it's imperfections
I wish I could walk through those halls on my last day and know that I was ready
But I can't because I know that on that day I will be as scared as the first
Because I know I'm beginning a new chapter
~Reikan~
The Island of Broken Dreams
There's an Island that we live with, not too far away
an Island that disables many, every single day.
I call it an Island because it's an abstract thought
not really considered until someone close has fought.
A reservation was made for my Grandpa, turned out not to be a fair fight.
So now I'm forced to live the next few months in fright.
Because I know one day I'll get that call
and be left with a heavy haul
sit on a plane Illinois bound
with a mind in my head not completely sound
thinking about my family miles away
and the pain they dealt with everyday
watching him steadily decline
and watching him feel less and less fine
being immersed even more in the Island of tears
the Island that now most people fear.
I knew the time would come when he would get very sick,
and it would be the kind he wouldn't be able to kick.
they tell you to look for a "bright" side
but it seems there isn't one, or it always hides.
Well the Doctor did say he wouldn't see Christmas
and that he wouldn't get another ball drop with us.
But obviously it didn't work like that,
because right next to me is where he sat
when the year turned to 2007
yet we think this is the year he will go into heaven.
Because he won't be able to take anymore
and he'll be done with being sick and feeling so sore.
It's going to take him away
and leave my family with many empty days.
What is this Island so close to us?
Cancer of the pancreas
an Island that disables many, every single day.
I call it an Island because it's an abstract thought
not really considered until someone close has fought.
A reservation was made for my Grandpa, turned out not to be a fair fight.
So now I'm forced to live the next few months in fright.
Because I know one day I'll get that call
and be left with a heavy haul
sit on a plane Illinois bound
with a mind in my head not completely sound
thinking about my family miles away
and the pain they dealt with everyday
watching him steadily decline
and watching him feel less and less fine
being immersed even more in the Island of tears
the Island that now most people fear.
I knew the time would come when he would get very sick,
and it would be the kind he wouldn't be able to kick.
they tell you to look for a "bright" side
but it seems there isn't one, or it always hides.
Well the Doctor did say he wouldn't see Christmas
and that he wouldn't get another ball drop with us.
But obviously it didn't work like that,
because right next to me is where he sat
when the year turned to 2007
yet we think this is the year he will go into heaven.
Because he won't be able to take anymore
and he'll be done with being sick and feeling so sore.
It's going to take him away
and leave my family with many empty days.
What is this Island so close to us?
Cancer of the pancreas
My White Coat
32 degrees outside
I checked at the end of my car ride
it's just odd that I still have that memory to say
because at that point nothing special marked the day
I felt all was normal when I walked inside
but that feeling would soon subside
they were sitting there in the kitchen chairs
I could tell something was wrong by the uncomfortable stares
"have you talked to your Mom"? my Grandma said
what's going on I thought in my head
Come with me, we need to talk
and then down the hallway I made the long walk
we were both in when she closed the door
and soon my heart would hit the floor
you know your Grandpa's Doctors appointment today?
"yeah" was all I could think to say
well it didn't really go so well
"what" I begged her to tell
there were lessions on his x-ray
what the hell is a lession anyway?
It could mean some really bad news
there are a lot more tests coming to prove
but it looks like the answers will be bleak
and not the one's we wish to seek
I looked up at her as she said cancer
but most of the rest is just a blur
of the memories that popped into my head
of my Grandpa coming to get me out of bed
we'd sit there together and watch Popeye
when it was over he went to work and I'd wave him goodbye
or the ones of him babysitting me
Perry Mason was there glowing off the t.v.
I'd be really good and then at about 9:
I would bat those "baby blues" of mine
I wanted ice cream so off we'd be
got him every time. He couldn't resist little me
or all those days he picked me up from school
I loved those days I totally ruled
when all the other Grandpas came
all of my friends felt completely lame
but I never felt like a nerd
in my Grandpa's 72' Thunderbird
or those times I went with him to fill up
the gas tank and that plastic cup
I'd look at the purple skittles then up at him
he'd nod his head and everytime I got them
I'd throw the green and pink ones out the window
he would just smile and shake his head no
or all the meals we sat and ate
when he still wa(r)shed off my plate
but I wasn't allowed to leave, because there was still milk in my cup
until it was gone at the table I was stuck
I was hurled out of my memorys
thrusted back into reality
you should go out there and see him
I told her I couldn't keep the emotions in
I went into the kitchen and gave him a hug
couldn't stop the tears from hitting the rug
my Mom came "Do you want to talk about the day"?
I stared out the window I had nothing to say
"Don't you want to take off your coat, it's 11:30 you're not going anywhere"
still looking out the window nothing broke my stare
what I really wanted to do, was rewind the day to the mornings dew
pull it out of the closet and put on that white coat
before I ever felt the pain in this poem I wrote.
I checked at the end of my car ride
it's just odd that I still have that memory to say
because at that point nothing special marked the day
I felt all was normal when I walked inside
but that feeling would soon subside
they were sitting there in the kitchen chairs
I could tell something was wrong by the uncomfortable stares
"have you talked to your Mom"? my Grandma said
what's going on I thought in my head
Come with me, we need to talk
and then down the hallway I made the long walk
we were both in when she closed the door
and soon my heart would hit the floor
you know your Grandpa's Doctors appointment today?
"yeah" was all I could think to say
well it didn't really go so well
"what" I begged her to tell
there were lessions on his x-ray
what the hell is a lession anyway?
It could mean some really bad news
there are a lot more tests coming to prove
but it looks like the answers will be bleak
and not the one's we wish to seek
I looked up at her as she said cancer
but most of the rest is just a blur
of the memories that popped into my head
of my Grandpa coming to get me out of bed
we'd sit there together and watch Popeye
when it was over he went to work and I'd wave him goodbye
or the ones of him babysitting me
Perry Mason was there glowing off the t.v.
I'd be really good and then at about 9:
I would bat those "baby blues" of mine
I wanted ice cream so off we'd be
got him every time. He couldn't resist little me
or all those days he picked me up from school
I loved those days I totally ruled
when all the other Grandpas came
all of my friends felt completely lame
but I never felt like a nerd
in my Grandpa's 72' Thunderbird
or those times I went with him to fill up
the gas tank and that plastic cup
I'd look at the purple skittles then up at him
he'd nod his head and everytime I got them
I'd throw the green and pink ones out the window
he would just smile and shake his head no
or all the meals we sat and ate
when he still wa(r)shed off my plate
but I wasn't allowed to leave, because there was still milk in my cup
until it was gone at the table I was stuck
I was hurled out of my memorys
thrusted back into reality
you should go out there and see him
I told her I couldn't keep the emotions in
I went into the kitchen and gave him a hug
couldn't stop the tears from hitting the rug
my Mom came "Do you want to talk about the day"?
I stared out the window I had nothing to say
"Don't you want to take off your coat, it's 11:30 you're not going anywhere"
still looking out the window nothing broke my stare
what I really wanted to do, was rewind the day to the mornings dew
pull it out of the closet and put on that white coat
before I ever felt the pain in this poem I wrote.
The City That Never Sleeps?
The city that never sleeps, they must be pretty tired,
bet they drink a lot of coffee and are totally wired.
I wonder what they do all night
probably a few bar fights
or maybe they choose to work the night shift
I hope it's not heavy machinery they lift!
They could do nothing special at all
thats what I do when insomnia calls
made a guitar out of a kleenex box
or think of new ways to fold my socks.
I'm sure they have more to do
though they may have done those things too.
Which city is it that never sleeps?
What city gets that title for keeps?
This poem really has no purpose at all
The other two I wrote were pretty deep.
I just thought I'd throw in this one
that unlike the other two, didn't weigh a ton.
bet they drink a lot of coffee and are totally wired.
I wonder what they do all night
probably a few bar fights
or maybe they choose to work the night shift
I hope it's not heavy machinery they lift!
They could do nothing special at all
thats what I do when insomnia calls
made a guitar out of a kleenex box
or think of new ways to fold my socks.
I'm sure they have more to do
though they may have done those things too.
Which city is it that never sleeps?
What city gets that title for keeps?
This poem really has no purpose at all
The other two I wrote were pretty deep.
I just thought I'd throw in this one
that unlike the other two, didn't weigh a ton.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Ding
ohhh wow! I just finished watching the movie "Say Anything...", and after sitting there wide eyed I seriously laughed for about 15 minutes because this is where Lloyd Dobbler came from!
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything for a career. I don't wanna sell anything bought or processed, I don't wanna buy anything sold or processed, and I don't want to process anything sold or bought, or processed, I don't want to repair anything sold bought or processed as a career."
"Kickboxing sport of the future"
"Why can't you just decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood?"
"Let's not put energy into something rediculous"--good advice dad
"I'm incarsarated Lloyd"
"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"--It all makes sense now!
Wow too funny! I love it!
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything for a career. I don't wanna sell anything bought or processed, I don't wanna buy anything sold or processed, and I don't want to process anything sold or bought, or processed, I don't want to repair anything sold bought or processed as a career."
"Kickboxing sport of the future"
"Why can't you just decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood?"
"Let's not put energy into something rediculous"--good advice dad
"I'm incarsarated Lloyd"
"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"--It all makes sense now!
Wow too funny! I love it!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
His angel
Her mistake was asking too many questions. "Why does mommy cry?" "Why is brother's eye purple today?" "Why can't I have any friends over to play?" She was daddy's little angel, she reminded him of his sister, he'd never hurt her. So when daddy said "Go to your room angel, the grown-ups are going to watch a scary movie," she'd go and play with her dolls, happy she didn't have to watch the monsters on tv. Daddy was her hero, he'd take her to the park and push her on the swings and even though everybody says she was too young to remember, she does remember the way he used to throw her in the air when she was a baby and make her laugh and sing her to sleep. That's why nobody expected it. Nobody expected to wake up that Sunday morning in July to find all the lights out in the house, christmas carols (especially ones about angels) playing, and the mother and little boy asleep on the couch downstairs...and the little girl with her daddy...dead (in the girl's red and yellow ladybug and heart decorated) room upstairs. Nobody understood it. In her daddy's hand was a note: This is my angel. She was too good for this world so I took her out of it. She said "Daddy, I'll talk to God for you, he'll let you in."
Saturday, December 23, 2006
teardrops
i'm not his shooting star
i'm not his to hold
i'm not his to call his own
i'm nothing compared to her
i'm not the one he's in love with
i'm not the one he thinks about
i'm not his modavation
i'm everything that he never wanted
i'm not his perfect smile
i cant be anything to him anymore
he's the reason for my tears
he's why i cant sleep at night
he's the one that i wanted
he's the sad song on repeat
he's the reason i hate love
he's all i think about
the only reason i keep wishing
she is his now
she is so lucky
she better not break his heart
she better hold him tight
and look in those beautiful eyes
he's the reason for the teardrops
the reason the sad song is always on repeat
maybe ill get some sleep tonight
i put his picture down
he's the one that caused this heart break.
i fake a smile so he wont see
i'm not his to hold
i'm not his to call his own
i'm nothing compared to her
i'm not the one he's in love with
i'm not the one he thinks about
i'm not his modavation
i'm everything that he never wanted
i'm not his perfect smile
i cant be anything to him anymore
he's the reason for my tears
he's why i cant sleep at night
he's the one that i wanted
he's the sad song on repeat
he's the reason i hate love
he's all i think about
the only reason i keep wishing
she is his now
she is so lucky
she better not break his heart
she better hold him tight
and look in those beautiful eyes
he's the reason for the teardrops
the reason the sad song is always on repeat
maybe ill get some sleep tonight
i put his picture down
he's the one that caused this heart break.
i fake a smile so he wont see
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
some(one) new
i chose to walk into the unknown
i wanna see things i haven't been shown
away from the drone and the old tone
i wanna be challenged
i wanna have to work at it
not smirk when he says "that irks me"
i love having to try
and a bove all...
i'm new to him and so that means...
well, he appreciates me
he can see
how good i try to be
he tries to be rough (around the edges)
but one look is enough (these biggy blue eyes get him good)
he can't be a tough guy
around me he knows he can fly
shoot, he's cute
and i like him a lot
for now that's all i got
i wanna see things i haven't been shown
away from the drone and the old tone
i wanna be challenged
i wanna have to work at it
not smirk when he says "that irks me"
i love having to try
and a bove all...
i'm new to him and so that means...
well, he appreciates me
he can see
how good i try to be
he tries to be rough (around the edges)
but one look is enough (these biggy blue eyes get him good)
he can't be a tough guy
around me he knows he can fly
shoot, he's cute
and i like him a lot
for now that's all i got
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Big Red I'm sorry about what I said, but here's another rhyme about the class with the man and end rhyme so sublime. I sit and as I spit into the mic, I wonder what Levi would do when he knew he used to. I should be studying but I cant stop thinking about the sweet Soliloquies that were the bees-nees. Wishing and hoping for another door to open, into the decorated walls that comprise those halls. Needing more on that floor, in front of judgemental owl eyes that don't dispise. With the mic that I control, leaving everyone frozen like the north pole in my control. All of my troubles realesed to the world to catalyst thought, like the debate in class about pot. Leaving the lyrics surviving in reminisance, allways in the distance, but never really vanishing form existance. -Rabbit-aka-cookiegobbla-
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