Letting You Down

Innocent years,
Daddy’s little girl.
You’d pick me up in your arms, and give me a whirl.
Six years of you and me dances.
No worries about my future romances.
Sharing butterfly kisses.
Singing along to the song,
Little did we know
that the road ahead was long.
It all began when high school started.
My grades were slipping,
and you knew I was smarter.
Hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Doing stuff, that I knew wasn’t allowed.
You have your ways of finding it all out.
You’d give me lectures,
but I wouldn’t have heard it,
even if you shouted.
One mistake after the other.
You hated how I had no respect for my mother.
No matter how bad the consequences were,
I’d go back to my old habits,
My old ways.
Things got worse, I got in trouble with the law,
I had screwed up big time,
and was about to lose it all.
Disappointed in me;
I cost you five hundred bucks,
Once again the middle child screwed up.
You’d think I’d learn after so many times,
I pushed your last buttons, when you found the wine.
You decided to send me away to a new school.
You wanted me to get a fresh start,
and to not break the rules.
I thought, …ah what the heck?...
It might be good to start off fresh.
It wasn’t long til I got in trouble,
And this time, I cost you more than double.
On a cold October, Saturday night,
$2500 is what it cost this time.
Being this bad of a daughter,
should seriously be a crime.
I’ve caused you so much more pain
than you ever should’ve known.
All my chances to prove myself,
I have now blown.
I’m in debt to you, over my head.
I owe you nearly one grand times ten.
All I’ve ever done is let you down,
Make you waste money- on my stupid mistakes…
Money that you rightfully earned.
So many mistakes,
I’m always falling down,
I keep trying harder, but it’s in my tears
that I seem to have drowned.
All the lies I have told, and the promises unfulfilled,
Always letting you down,
it’s your heart I’ve probably killed.
That’s all I do, is let you down,
and cause you pain,
that you never should’ve known.
Everytime I try to do something right,
it always turns out wrong.
I guess it’s just my luck of the draw.
I want you to know that I’m trying-
I will from now on,
And that I’m very sorry that
I’m always letting you down.

because because because

I Don't Think You're Ready...

I don't think you're ready to know,
because, you see,
you are so full of yourself.
Everything always
has to revolve around you.
When I tell you that I have a problem,
you say you have two.
The way you act,
just pisses me off.
You are so rude to me
when all you do is scoff.
You're not ready
to know these feelings that I have,
because you would just
turn your back and laugh.

Window

Looking out my window, down on the streets, I want to see the guy of my dreams. I want a window with a window seat, where I can read and write, and feel the sun's heat. I want a window that opens like two ballroom doors, and gazes out onto the stars of the universe. Out my window, and into the stars, I can reach every one of my dreams. Through my window I see my life as it lays ahead and I realize that I'm no where near ready yet. My window will open up opportunities to help me through life. It would be so relaxing to have no worries and just gaze out. With no window, there are no dreams, and a broken window is nothing but yet another shattered dream. I want a window so I can clearly see whether it is raining or snowing. I want a window to gaze out of when I am aching. I want a window to gaze out of and into the sky, a place where I can forget everything and write.

you're right, it is easier to write dark.

i could sit here all day and dig into my thoughts to find some light. truthfully, i feel more passionate about bad experiences, they evoke the creativity in me. guess my emotion.

my eyes can't blink, i don't feel the cold or the touch of your hand. my brain no longer has a sense of itself. i lay in bed and i cannot distinguish my lips from my chin. nor can i tell the difference between night and day, happiness or sadness. my tears have dried up and my mouth remains closed and emotionless. i don't feel, i don't love or taste or hurt or see. crazy thing is, i don't even care. i don't care if my stomach is growling, or my favorite show is on or that it's the first day of summer. everything is nothing. the nothing that creeps into every crevice and pore of my body and allows me to be nothing. i simply exist among my body, my hands, my life. even these words, they mean nothing to me, they simply exist.

Some Light

I want to see some light here. I want words about love. I want to smell food and hear sounds from the world. I want music words and musing and muses. The darkness is old, cliche, and easy to play. If it hurts fix it--from the inside out and feed me some sounds that paint my mind and give us all peace. Serene is a choice and it starts by squashing that voice that threatens and cries and wishes to quit. Yeah, I want some light.

Goodbye

So this is it
The end
It’s too soon
But nothing can change this
I’m so afraid
Afraid of saying goodbye
When it feels like I just said hello
I’m so afraid
Afraid to go and say my goodbyes
They say you’re awake now
But your not there
You can see me
But not know me
You can’t say, that’s Lauren
Oh how she has grown in the last five years
Since our family was shredded to pieces
By her and cold empty heart
Our family has only begun to repair the open wounds
And you won’t be there
To see them heal
Because there is only goodbyes left
But you can’t say them back
My feelings aren’t complete
Because I don’t know how to feel
We weren’t that close
But you were, you are an amazing man

you just gotta

Sometimes it takes almost losing something to realize how bad you want it and how truly you need it. Sometimes it takes a storm, a hurricane, a volcano to realize how much you like it when things are calm. Sometimes you gotta cry before you can really feel and most times you gotta commit to falling before you're ready to get hurt. You might waste time on something before you realize it isn't worth the effort, but you have to give it a chance in order to ever know. Being scared isn't bad...only, it is if you let it hold you back. You can't erase the past but you can learn from yesterday and live today and build tomorrow and pray for the future.

Don’t take her

Everything comes down at once
My best friend
Locked away
She doesn’t belong
In a place, its all waste
Such as life
Right when you need it
Blood stains
Heart Pains
Can’t I get a little peace?
A day with no worries
Or heart break.
Makes me hate.
Everyone that wants to take place.
You can break my heart.
Don’t take her away.
You’ll make today
Worse then it really is.
I want to hate you
For doing this.
I want to make you feel the pain that I am in
It’s not going to make her sane
It won’t gain anything
It’s all just a fling.
I want you to know
You make it all worse
You are the reason for the hurt
I don’t want you here anymore!
You gave her more reason
For all the pain
And everything you put her through
I don’t blame her for playing this mind game with you
I don’t want to hear your name ever again.

stream

this just won't come naturally and so habitually i try to do it induvidually. when you find something you knew you didn't have when you spit words out like broken teeth falling outta your mouth when your heart says more than your lips can form words to so you gotta try something new and you gotta be true. to you and......only you. white space is a maze, it shows you grace and draws your gaze and you gotta wonder, just what it is that hides under that blunder that's your mess of words, like maybe is it something worth nothing or is it nothing worth everything or does it just blow your mind when your thoughts are confined to a page where your mind happens to be defined? so you say please you gotta understand that you had to take a stand. so when you shine above all the rest you can take it and call it mine.

Such Rhymes

I hear these rhymes flying, crying, and multiplying. They rhyme in good time and flow like some sick silk that wraps around my ears without fears of what it may say about some day
that changed the way we live life. They flow like lyrics; lucid, liquid syllables that live long after the last lamenting line leaves the page, and linger in the air like an unseen perfume, palpable and pungent. There's a beat to these rhymes, a rhythm, that makes you let go, flow, and grow. It's a click-clack, rap-tap, tapping, there came a tapping, someone gently rapping? Rhymes so sublime, one of a kind, they tingle down my spine, but so meek and mild are those of mine. A rhyme of mine I search for, so monumental and magnetic it draws you in and won't let go, it lasts for all time--that's why I rhyme.

the wall

i never fully recovered.
the past events, scramble my brain.
it takes me back.
not to something good.
not to something bad.
but something so horrible,
so upsetting, that i cant bare to see the sun.
i cant explain, how close to home this hit me.
when the news hits, you laugh, you cant believe it.
you put it aside.
word gets around. you start to understand.
you are the only one not crying.
though its different when you see it.
you have these emotions, they want to spill out.
they are calling from within.
one thing can set you off.
a word, a memory.
you start to cry,
your knees hit the ground,
so hard you knee caps want to shadder.
your hand find their way together,
you want to pray,
god needs to know you feel.
you are a class act.
you get right back up.
wash away your tears.
cover your face.
walk tall.
understanding you cant be weak.
you have to the that leader.
they need to understand.
you are everyones wall.
the only man they can come to.
their comfort.
their brave soul.

Best Friends?

I don’t believe you
I don’t believe you when you say you miss me
or when you call me your best friend
I just don’t believe you
How can you say those things?
When in reality you ditch me and forget to call
You make it hard to believe
Believe in friendship
My past has been hard and at some points
It seemed like my cloud was lined with a dull ugly grey
Like there was no silver lining
No happy endings
But the past is gone and the future is now
But it wasn’t any different
Actually, you weren’t any different
You were the exact same as them
Those people who shredded my heart and made me question what friendship was
You are them, but you appear innocent and pure as a child
I once said you can’t live life without a best friend
But I was mistaken
I’m still alive
And I still just cant bring myself to believe you

Cries of Frustration

Who do I go to?
Who do I tell?
I am so confused,
I just want to yell.

Did you not learn anything
from the most recent events?
Have you thought things over?
Probably not, but it depends.

You could have been feeling this,
long before now,
and you're finally deciding
to voice it to me...wow.

Shocked - I don't know what to say,
I never would have guessed.
But believe me when I tell you
that this isn't for the best.

You ask me what else is out there,
and say there can't be anything worth living for.
But believe me, there is,
and there is so much more.

No matter what you're going through,
I know you can over come it,
With a little self-confidence,
And a friend there to help.

You say that you have
little reason not to leave.
And the only reason you're still here,
Is because of a few others - but mostly me.

Maybe life has dealt you
a few bad hands,
But who knows
what the future has planned.

Everyone is going to get dealt some bad hands,
That's just the way life is,
And yes, sometimes it hurts like a bitch.

But that doesn't mean
that times won't get better.
Who knows that you won't get your next hand,
Dealt on that silver platter?

You tell me that
you don't know how to deal,
and that the old familiar razor
no longer heals.

That isn't the only thing that heals,
and don't roll your eyes at me,
Because I went through
This same ordeal.

You tell me the questions
that are running through your mind,
"Should I, Shouldn't I,
Would anyone really care if I died?"

Trust me,
you would affect more people than you think,
If you decided to leave your last said words,
Inscribed in ink.

So please, hold on to whatever you can find,
Any reason that seems good enough.
I've lost so many friends this way, 5 to sum it up,
and I don't want to lose another one.

I wanna reach

Into your soul. Cliche! I mean, I want to reach into your mind and ask one question, maybe two because I talk a lot. I want to know why, why did you have to now? Why did I have to push you in your wheelchair? I want to reach in you brain, stop all your blood vessels from constricting and have you with me longer. I wasn't sure I'd see you yesterday. I got so scared when you weren't in your office. I said Daddy, Dad please stop, please just be sitting there where I can come sit on your lap and feel safe. Your baby, so safe, I wanna reach and make your pain disappear, give you feeling back in your hand. I want to stop you from crying and I want to feel like your baby daughter. I wanna reach into our family history, stop it from ever spreading and stop me from getting it. I don't want to reach for the shaving cream to shave your beard for you or reach for the tissue when a sad commercial plays. I hold my breath everytime I see your body lying in bed, wait for you to move. And talk. I wanna reach over and take that lawn mower that destroyed my manly, tough father. You didn't know, you were just trying to help and I couldn't see you. I'm sorry I cried in front of you. I didn't get to you fast enough and you couldn't talk, it was like my heart was torn into a million pieces, your face to one side. I want to make you better again.

I love endings

I love endings because it can only bring new beginnings. The things that I want to end the most are those that hurt the most. I want my Grandparents to end their childish behavior and be the Grandparents they should be. The ones that love with their hearts and not with the money from their wallets. The ones that send a cheesy birthday card with a small check but also come to my choir concerts and my soccer games. I would love this ending one because it would bring me two Grandparents that every grandchild deserves. A beginning to a new family that would no longer dread holidays, but enjoy being with each other on days besides Christmas and Easter. These are endings that only happen in fairy tales and dreams. The happily every after endings that we all dream about but never come alive in reality.

Hate...?

I hate that
no matter how bad you treat me,
my feelings inside
for you still grow.
Every harsh word said,
Every back turned.
I try to let you see,
but everytime i just get burned.
I hate that
I need your touch,
and the warmth of you there.
Whenever I am in your arms,
I feel like I'm floating on air.
Everyday seems so
different than the last,
One day you are right next to me,
but the next, I'm just the past.
I hate how
well you know me.
Every mistake, every fear.
I hate how
it's you who's causing all these tears.
I hate all
my late night phone calls,
in times of desperate need,
and you lying to me, saying,
"Why'd you do it?...You know
you can count on me".
I hate it when
you lie to me,
and you know
I know the truth.
Don't give me
all this bull shit!
How can you
be so cruel?
I hate how
you play favorites,
and that it's different everyday.
I hate that
what hurts me the most,
are the things that you don't say.
I hate the
way I feel
when I catch the gaze
of your
easy-to-get-lost-in-
brown eyes.
I hate how
you used to understand me,
and
I hate that it's for you I would die.
The ironic thing is,
I don't hate you at all,
I just hate the fact that I let myself fall.
Writer's cramp is setting in, so I guess I must go.
I doubt that you'll ever read this,
but if you do,
then my true feelings you will know.

I love beginnings

It's like the sweet taste of chocolate and raspberries left in my mouth...like feeling the sun on a cold day...like a long nap. It's exciting and delicious and interesting and scary. This...this knowing there's something where there used to be nothing, this knowing he's gonna be there, this feeling of re-defining the big word. It's giggling and cuddling and learning boundaries; nothing fights and "I'm sorry"s and safe places to fall. It's ridiculous, really, how totally and completely somebody can get wrapped up in a moment, this moment where nothing could ruin the mood they're (I'm) in, and, to be completely honest, is it fair to say that I could've been here sooner? Twitterpated (Bambi) That's what I'd call it.

Untitled.

Im sorry for everything i did to you
Im sorry for everything i put you through
My only hope
is that you'll do
what ive always wanted you to
and forgive me.
Please dont look at the past or future
The here and now is where we are.
Just hold my hand and understand
That i love you more than you'll ever know.

Love memory

Love.
It seems as though when i feel it,
It slips through my fingers.
I cant hold on to this- crushing feeling-
I need to move on
but i cant seem to forget
you in my past
Now just a memory to me.
Please, just let it be.
I cant live with this pain anymore.
Just forget, what i will not regret.
And leave this memory alone.

My generation.

my generation. is hip. is unique. What will it become? Everyone is so generalized. All the old people look at us and say "what will they become?" and shake their heads and think about a better day. Who knows what we're going to turn out to be. Well i say that i cant speak for everyone else but as for me...i WILL become something, someone, exactly what i want out of life. I refuse not to. Too many people have told me that i "can't" or "won't" and every next person that says those things, especially when its my oen father, makes me just want to succeed more. And dont worry, I am going to become a novelist and psychologist for troubled kids, and i will start my own practice, and live life the way i want, and in the direction that it takes me. And as for my generation. I have faith in that too. Call me cocky, over-hopeful, too confident, whatever you may please. But i just like to call myself.
My Future.
Say good-bye to the smoker, non-productive, messed up, good for nothing teen. My future is something for everyone to recognize. So, to those of you who say i cant. Wait for the future. Then ill be saying "you wont"
My future is mine.

Endings.

The end is near
and all that i ever saw is clear
This is the time ive been waiting for
much like a metaphor
To see whats on the other side
to see beyond
what i live everyday
I wanted to be
what you wanted me to see
like a picture
placed in a crowded room
that stands out
like the one in a room
this is real
like its clear
its all been here before
like the nightmare i re-live
let me know what you want
what do i do
what do i see in you?
Its all at the end.

The Way I'll Always Be

Why do I still waste my time on you?
When you aren't willing to waste time on me
I would do anything and everything for you
But that's something you choose not to see.

Why do I still talk to you?
When you won't even pick up the phone
I need you now more than ever before
Because now I'm on my own.

Why do I still think about you?
Because if I didn't I'd lose my mind
But what about all of the memories?
I could not ever leave them behind.

Why do I still wish you would come back?
When I know it will never come true
Twinkle, twinkle little star
My wish is always you.

Why do I still love you?
That's something I could never explain
I would still take a bullet and die for you
Even after enduring this pain.

Why can I not hate you?
After all you've put me through
I honestly could not tell you
But it`s something I can`t do.

Why do I care so much?
About people who never care for me
I guess it's just the way I am
The way I'll always be.

People Like Me

Laughing and poking fun,
it's not always funny to everyone.
People so inconsiderate of others around,
They don't seem to care
if they cause someone to fall down.
Judgements being made everyday,
Because of who you are,
Or what you do on a bad day.
They don't think that the words they say,
will affect anyone in any way.
"Hey...you look so sad, can I get you a razor
so you can make a scar?",
they say and laugh so hard.
Little do they know that I'm the one scarred.
And at each-what they call- "harmless joke",
I scar even more,
Not only on the outside,
but deep into my soul.
Trying so very hard to not let it get to me,
but it's only getting harder,
why can't they just leave it be?
I dealt with it,
Defeated it,
and put it in the past,
but it seems like it came back so fast.
Why can't they just wake up and see,
that people deal with this...maybe...
People like me.

What Makes Love Great

What makes love so great?
It's such a big risk,
that I'm willing to take.
It's amazing how quickly
I tend to fall,
because of every late night phone call.
It starts with a rose,
then a teddy bear,
next comes a bracelet,
or a necklace to wear.
Two arms wrapped around me,
that make me feel so loved.
Two arms that make me feel
like he could be the one.
Every soft, gentle kiss,
hello or good-bye,
tells me that he cares,
and that it's gonna be all right.
Every joke he makes,
to bring me up when I am down,
He loves it when I smile
and doesn't want to see me frown.
The look in his eyes,
the way that I feel,
it's so amazing,
because it seems so real.
But what happens when it's not,
Or when all the magic's gone,
and was never there at all?
One heart gets broken,
It's almost never both.
Tears won't stop flowing,
can it get any worse?
Love begins and ends with a fall,
The risk that I took is what I should blame it on.
So what is it that makes love so great?
Maybe love is not so great after all.

hmm maybe I made a mistake

Not wanting worry or sympathy
sorry if that's what it's gotten me
not really thinking before I put it on
just feeling like my heart was gone
thoughts fogging up my good judgement
just should have left the words in print
I'll be ok I always am
dealing with issues in the fam
if you still want to talk that's ok
I'm not quite sure what to say
thing is this semesters a little sour
and now I have a sevent hour
so I'll see if your there after school?

a safe place

I sit, a Ken doll head staring at me, next to a gold pig...man, I miss this. These kids don't quite know yet how lucky they are to be in here. A list, not taken seriously, a prompt, supposed to be serious and sincere. Does it make you nervous, the way he leans over your shoulder, observing...thinking, reading...learning..? The yellow and purple walls, the numerous posters (my favorite: the feeling wheel), the music playing - softly beckoning you to greater lands...places of poetry of honesty of vulnerability of peace. Do it. Take a risk, write something true and beautiful and....you. I miss this hour of my day where anything goes, when I have a safe place to say what I gotta say and just get it out, just put it down on paper, show my colors. In this room, I have power because I give myself power and I believe in my power. and then he says "find a period" so I leave this part blank

Please Understand. Me.

I can not survivie without you.
My soul breaks
My heart Aches
And we can not be together.
In the midst of the day
Our love is at bay
when no one can stand
to stay or go
Im on my knees
begging you, please
for you not to walk away.
When you walk away from me
my heart fills the day
with empty thoughts and feelings
my mind takes the blankness
and molds it into great-ness
with which i can read to you.
I take the thoughts and form them to understand,
the inner turmoil i face today.
Please understand why i cant hold your hand,
and tell you that i love you too.

When your nothing to everyone...

tear drops fall on my economics homework
too much on my mind
wanting to push the stop button on my life...
then push rewind
I never would have liked him
I never would have gone
I never would have known "THEM"
I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE!
I wouldn't have had to leave my friends or my school
I still would have my job
I never would have known their unwritten rule
That life would still be going
I'd be on my old side of the fence
My Illinois life I've known for so long, wouldn't be a past tense
They don't want me here anymore
they think it's time to go
the fact that they know how many days I have left
is a huge blow
Forced to pick sides
draw a white line through my loyalties
It's obvious where I am going to go
which tide I'm going to ride
the family I've had for 18 years
over the one I've known for five
feeling the inflamation in my heart
and the water in my eyes
Praying that before anyone comes down the stairs
it subsides and dries
If I didn't have my notebook
or I didn't take that class
Basically if writing wasn't my "buzz"
I'd be the quiet, self destructive person
that I once was.

A Bedtime Story...my try at something new

Once in a distant land a young warrior stood on the edge of the world, he asked the gods for forgiveness. He asked for guidance. When he went upon the road he found a women of the rebels, yet he could not kill her. For within her he saw faith, she had been born to this life not knowing the rightful path. He took her in but she ran from him leaving nothing behind but a memory. As he followed a trail sung to him in his dreams he came upon the rebel camp. She smiled when she saw him and said, "you arrived sooner then anticipated." He looked about at what she called home, but instead of seeing the disgusting filth they lived in he saw happiness and prosperity. He thought to himself what have they done that the king has not. She smiled and said aloud, "we have prayed to the gods for forgiveness for our sins. and they have forgiven and granted us a new life." He stared at her when a male voice resounded from behind him, "as they have you, welcome newcomer I see you have chosen my daughter, Emerald as yours."

~Reikan~

Gratitude

You're no angel, you said it yourself. You've had your ups and downs, though, now that I think of it, I don't know much about. You've seen me change, transform, become another person, maybe...did you see it happening? I faced fears I didn't acknowledge I had, I cried tears I didn't think I would, I made friends I never will forget. More than a teacher, you've become a friend, a trusted confidant (yeah, look at my big words), and a safe place to talk. See, people touch your life in different ways: some come at times when you need them most and teach you things you need to learn, some are always good for a laugh or a good piece of advice, and some leave you with something so deep inside - it's like footprints on a beach that no wave can wash away - you know you'll never forget them or the time you shared. All this and more: you've become. You're right, I am genuinely happy. I gave my heart and soul and in return....I got more than a pen. Thanks, Leyba.

My Birthday...

Everyone gets one once a year
and it seems as if mine is here.
It's a "big one" 18 candles on the cake,
and that big box of presents is mine to take
that came yesterday from Illinois
from all of my relatives packed with joy.
To their_______ relative turning 18!
(who it's been a while since they've seen)
I should be happy and joyous,
everyone else is making quite a fuss,
but I can't help but be a little scared
to see exactly how I fare.
I've been a little stressed as the minutes passed,
and like most things they went to fast.
Now it's my one last one being a kid
and I want to feel like I once did,
with no stress or a care at all
and the only thing you planned was when to play ball.
But now it's over and adulthood is here.
my most prominate emotion-fear.
I'll get over it and be happy again,
and wear that cheesy "I'm 18" pin --(thanks Linz)
12:00 midnight
my "big year" finally in sight.
And my heart just dropped to the floor,
because I'm really not a kid anymore.

Digress two (this)

this is to the ones who always held my back
who would stand tall while i would attack
my panic, my left, my traffic, my right
tonight, you and i, we're gonna find life
i promise it'll be tight
just trust and believe
just trust and believe
tell me that right before you leave
i've got another ace up my sleeve
another ride down my greif
so open the heart, its a good start
my sense of self, is a sense past delt
no, i've got no meaning, i've got no dreaming
nightmares and strange stares
looking into my world, paired
sub par and inadequate
i've been working on my educate
i've been building my personality kit
so if we fail tonight, we're all gonna find
that its not the right time
so wait for next week, it'll be the message we seek
this is to the ones who gave me something
some time, just just empty my crime
to empty the guilt that passes through veins
tap the fame, tap the brain
allow it to leek into pens that seek
the proper words are meek
hobos and locals directing my vocals
i need to speak from the choke holds
expressing my weak souls
transferring, trespassing, and condescending
villainous in its attempt; steadily inspecting
so open breath, and open the rest
and open your chest for the ones who test
wasting ink, wasting time
conduits from sunken ships
this treasure was to remind
this treasure was for our kind
repetitive and complacent in sedative
relaxation in the meditative placement
if i could thank the people who gave me my rank
i'd tell them that rhymes were the tank
indestructible and very insightful
right to write, and write the right
standing in the field red to the west
and sun to the east
the night was long but it came up with a song
and it will never see the break of dawn
for the past life was present
now the common depth
is dependent on the breath
open this door to the new world order
last was first til the first became last
but what about the ones who outlast
and the ones considered trash
enough to bash and enough to cast
a spell upon those who never made it back
from the distant thoughts
and the correlating knots
walk with religion
walk with benediction
wait, i digress
forgive my breath
this is to the ones who inspired
this is to the ones who fed the fire
this is to the ones who never left my side.

Torture Me

You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beaneath
All of eternity these things i see
Will torture me
Torture me With those words you use
Torture me Lighting up my fuse
Torture me
I cant see what im doing anymore
Here you go, Keep burning me
Teasing up the flame beaneth
Each one takes their turn with me
Trying to see
Torture me
Pullin' on me
Toture me
Your stabbin' me
With eternity
The way you look Inside of me
You'll never see the things i see
Inside this angry part of me
Inside the fire pit beneath
All of eternty these things i see
Will torture me.

This is me

Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound
I stumble threw
Your world that
I call hell
Not much you see
Is what you want
What I see
Is who I am
Don’t wanna be
What you want
This is me
I stumbled then I fell
Cant walk around
With out everyone
Staring at me
Get used to it
Its who I am
I’m not a clone, I’m not like you
I make mistakes
I stumble and I fall
This is me
I’m not you
Don’t try to change me
It wont work
Get used to it
Cuz this is ME
Do you know how
Hard I try
To be my self
You push me down
Yell at me
Wont make a sound

Everyday...

Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away
The hurt the stabing
The smaking the grabing
The wounds the bruises
Wont be left untouched
The noises and the screaming
Filling my ears
The hurting the flinging
Forcing back tears
Why must you do this
Why do you hurt me
Everyday, you never miss
You never see
Everyday the screaming
Everyday the pain
This freakin' feeling
Wont go away

Leave Me Be

lost the ability to feel
nothing seems to be real
stumbling through the awakened hoursforcing my head out of the fog
faking my own existence
but i fail
the anchor holds me down
always will prevail.

the more i pray, the more i beg
maybe, just might
turn into another bad dream
but i know better
another one of your life learning schemes.
this torture is your call
trying to get even.
what did i ever do to you.
you'll never ever comprehend
all the damage you've caused to do me in.
nightmares of masked faces
replaced with blurred images of disappearing faces.
my memory struggles to remember
but the more frantic i blindly grasp
they tend to slip away.

silence trickles down my cheek
don't want to appear weak.
it's a never ending cycleonce i feel it's all starting to stop...
my pillowcase proves the existence of another drop.

i've grown accustomed to this loneliness
so much emptiness has filled me to the brim
anymore and i'm gonna explode
i can't take anymore
the soul has been sold.

my heart has burrowed deep
within my depths
this emotion seeking expedition
feels hopeless
the longer you're gone
the more you lose where you began
forget where the heart truly is.
wanna take a shot?
i'll never even flinch.

My Own Epiphany

My calling
My flashing light
My sign from above
My passion
My dream
A rediscovered love
I've been waiting for something to happen all year
an answer
finality
all that I've sought
not ending the unknown my biggest fear
College?
Work?
An empty profession?
Or a life lived aimlessly with no direction?
For three calender years that has been my question.
What to become,
Who to "be"
Decide. Right now the future-set me.
The grasp. The hold
What's out there for me?
But it's all been inside of me the whole time
mostly executed by ryhme
the poems
the writings
all the words
have been soaring out of me like fleeing birds
And yet I've been trying to keep them dead
pushed away and hidden under my bed
Uncertainty
Question
Doubt
Fear
And yet my words have been the key all these years
This is it
The window I wanted
A day that matters
now each passing month won't make me sadder.
Enlightning
Eye opening
Ms. Whis freshman year you're more than done,
That is all thanks to the senior one.
Because you put me through those three years of strife
and you killed the dream he brought back to life.
Relief
A sigh
No more danger
I'm going to try to be that english major.
I feel in my head, I should hear a symphany
Because I finally had My Own Epiphany.

Thanks Mr. Leyba

I love this class

The ones who care are showin it I’m barely keeping it just above blowin it
Period 4 you brung it and own it and you know it
and other classes just say things like “he hates us”
but those hippies just can’t rhyme with us
they’re like a messy mouth kid try’n to lay a kiss on us
this p4 owns this floor
even though today is the last time you walk through that door
my heart is the place where you live now
you’re hall of famers word smith rhyme gamers
put other classes to shamers
U ain’t blamers and fools with eyes so red that when you bend over you bleed till your dead
no not this group
you are called a class for a reason
you’ve been leadin all season
like Special CJ just caught the pass
you caught a case of I’m kickin your ass
you are the the white writers of rhyme
and lovers of hard things to say on the page
not afraid to get made and show you have feelings
tears don’t mean weakness to you
they’re more like emotional fuel
not one of us felt like a fool hangin word hoops in the air
and maybe the Rabbit shoulda been in this lair
cuz he’s as close as it comes to havin word guns
bang
another word casualty
damn I rhyme my whole vocabulary
sister mary
biggy blue
god I’ll miss you
even gunton got me feelin sumthin
and I’m thinking of quittin the meat just for Jamie
and Kayla couldn’t blame me if I start drinkin after reading her reasons for being here
like that country star who loves this bar
I love this class

Dear College

Dear College,

As you can clearly see this kid means a planet to me. I wouldn’t bother to send you words unless he she asked me to and greased my palm with a Franklin plus twenty. Oh, yes
Insert name here ________________
has kicked some ass and and passed my class and swept some floors and won some games and told some lies and dried some eyes but what I will remember are words the most the end rhyme host the peaches and pie and telling love goodbye and saving lives and renaming names and early late mid life memoir games where everyone wins as tears roll down and drip off chins and splash on pages we use as gauges to measure learning but what they really tell us is that we are all yearning for connection and truth and that the only thing exclusive to youth is youth

Dear College,
student number 3 zero 3 dash comma 2 zero zero 7 will almost assuredly impact the future and wakeup tomorrow
Seriously,
I’ve watched her him beg and borrow a pencil and paper but he she never forgets the cell phone so I recommend assigning homework via text messages cuz their thumb typing skills certainly gives technology workplace edges in the next decade we will not be out texted by any country –trust me
When it comes to spelling words U r going 2B so J & K ,during tests they will always BRB cuz I taught them to just make eye contact with me B4 they P
I will truly miss them but we’ll always be BFF
Oh and another thing B4 I go I guess you need to know that you might need to speak a little louder cuz they are da da da def from sick jams piped in by headphones
Don’t feel ignored or take it personally, they just got a technology jones.

Sincerely,

Mr. Teach Her/Him

New Chapter

It seems like yesterday I was watching seniors leaving my fresmen year
I was sad I had so many friends in that class
Even my boyfriend was in that class
I felt like a part of me was being torn apart
It happened again the next year but somehow it didn't bother me
I didn't really know that class
Last year I felt a wave a fear overtake me as I watched them leave
My sister went with that class
Now we no longer talk
This year I know I will be the one to leave
But honestly I don't want to
I want to stay in high school longer
I want to hear Mr. D give the speech that makes me cry more then one more time
I want to sing in the choir for more then just a winter concert
I want to be able to come home every night and hear my mom say how was school
I want to make even more memories
I wish I had decided long ago that high school was the one place I felt at home
I wish I had realized that I've grown up
I wish I had realized earlier that what I did in high school would affect me forever
I wish I had realized that I would miss it
Even with all it's imperfections
I wish I could walk through those halls on my last day and know that I was ready
But I can't because I know that on that day I will be as scared as the first
Because I know I'm beginning a new chapter

~Reikan~

The Island of Broken Dreams

There's an Island that we live with, not too far away
an Island that disables many, every single day.
I call it an Island because it's an abstract thought
not really considered until someone close has fought.
A reservation was made for my Grandpa, turned out not to be a fair fight.
So now I'm forced to live the next few months in fright.
Because I know one day I'll get that call
and be left with a heavy haul
sit on a plane Illinois bound
with a mind in my head not completely sound
thinking about my family miles away
and the pain they dealt with everyday
watching him steadily decline
and watching him feel less and less fine
being immersed even more in the Island of tears
the Island that now most people fear.
I knew the time would come when he would get very sick,
and it would be the kind he wouldn't be able to kick.
they tell you to look for a "bright" side
but it seems there isn't one, or it always hides.
Well the Doctor did say he wouldn't see Christmas
and that he wouldn't get another ball drop with us.
But obviously it didn't work like that,
because right next to me is where he sat
when the year turned to 2007
yet we think this is the year he will go into heaven.
Because he won't be able to take anymore
and he'll be done with being sick and feeling so sore.
It's going to take him away
and leave my family with many empty days.
What is this Island so close to us?
Cancer of the pancreas

My White Coat

32 degrees outside
I checked at the end of my car ride
it's just odd that I still have that memory to say
because at that point nothing special marked the day
I felt all was normal when I walked inside
but that feeling would soon subside
they were sitting there in the kitchen chairs
I could tell something was wrong by the uncomfortable stares
"have you talked to your Mom"? my Grandma said
what's going on I thought in my head
Come with me, we need to talk
and then down the hallway I made the long walk
we were both in when she closed the door
and soon my heart would hit the floor
you know your Grandpa's Doctors appointment today?
"yeah" was all I could think to say
well it didn't really go so well
"what" I begged her to tell
there were lessions on his x-ray
what the hell is a lession anyway?
It could mean some really bad news
there are a lot more tests coming to prove
but it looks like the answers will be bleak
and not the one's we wish to seek
I looked up at her as she said cancer
but most of the rest is just a blur
of the memories that popped into my head
of my Grandpa coming to get me out of bed
we'd sit there together and watch Popeye
when it was over he went to work and I'd wave him goodbye
or the ones of him babysitting me
Perry Mason was there glowing off the t.v.
I'd be really good and then at about 9:
I would bat those "baby blues" of mine
I wanted ice cream so off we'd be
got him every time. He couldn't resist little me
or all those days he picked me up from school
I loved those days I totally ruled
when all the other Grandpas came
all of my friends felt completely lame
but I never felt like a nerd
in my Grandpa's 72' Thunderbird
or those times I went with him to fill up
the gas tank and that plastic cup
I'd look at the purple skittles then up at him
he'd nod his head and everytime I got them
I'd throw the green and pink ones out the window
he would just smile and shake his head no
or all the meals we sat and ate
when he still wa(r)shed off my plate
but I wasn't allowed to leave, because there was still milk in my cup
until it was gone at the table I was stuck
I was hurled out of my memorys
thrusted back into reality
you should go out there and see him
I told her I couldn't keep the emotions in
I went into the kitchen and gave him a hug
couldn't stop the tears from hitting the rug
my Mom came "Do you want to talk about the day"?
I stared out the window I had nothing to say
"Don't you want to take off your coat, it's 11:30 you're not going anywhere"
still looking out the window nothing broke my stare
what I really wanted to do, was rewind the day to the mornings dew
pull it out of the closet and put on that white coat
before I ever felt the pain in this poem I wrote.

The City That Never Sleeps?

The city that never sleeps, they must be pretty tired,
bet they drink a lot of coffee and are totally wired.
I wonder what they do all night
probably a few bar fights
or maybe they choose to work the night shift
I hope it's not heavy machinery they lift!
They could do nothing special at all
thats what I do when insomnia calls
made a guitar out of a kleenex box
or think of new ways to fold my socks.
I'm sure they have more to do
though they may have done those things too.
Which city is it that never sleeps?
What city gets that title for keeps?
This poem really has no purpose at all
The other two I wrote were pretty deep.
I just thought I'd throw in this one
that unlike the other two, didn't weigh a ton.

I'm so pleased you get LLoyd. I relate to LLoyd in so many ways. Diane is soooo lucky.

Shut Up & Write

Ding

ohhh wow! I just finished watching the movie "Say Anything...", and after sitting there wide eyed I seriously laughed for about 15 minutes because this is where Lloyd Dobbler came from!

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything for a career. I don't wanna sell anything bought or processed, I don't wanna buy anything sold or processed, and I don't want to process anything sold or bought, or processed, I don't want to repair anything sold bought or processed as a career."

"Kickboxing sport of the future"

"Why can't you just decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood?"

"Let's not put energy into something rediculous"--good advice dad

"I'm incarsarated Lloyd"

"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen"--It all makes sense now!

Wow too funny! I love it!

His angel

Her mistake was asking too many questions. "Why does mommy cry?" "Why is brother's eye purple today?" "Why can't I have any friends over to play?" She was daddy's little angel, she reminded him of his sister, he'd never hurt her. So when daddy said "Go to your room angel, the grown-ups are going to watch a scary movie," she'd go and play with her dolls, happy she didn't have to watch the monsters on tv. Daddy was her hero, he'd take her to the park and push her on the swings and even though everybody says she was too young to remember, she does remember the way he used to throw her in the air when she was a baby and make her laugh and sing her to sleep. That's why nobody expected it. Nobody expected to wake up that Sunday morning in July to find all the lights out in the house, christmas carols (especially ones about angels) playing, and the mother and little boy asleep on the couch downstairs...and the little girl with her daddy...dead (in the girl's red and yellow ladybug and heart decorated) room upstairs. Nobody understood it. In her daddy's hand was a note: This is my angel. She was too good for this world so I took her out of it. She said "Daddy, I'll talk to God for you, he'll let you in."

teardrops

i'm not his shooting star
i'm not his to hold
i'm not his to call his own
i'm nothing compared to her
i'm not the one he's in love with
i'm not the one he thinks about
i'm not his modavation
i'm everything that he never wanted
i'm not his perfect smile
i cant be anything to him anymore

he's the reason for my tears
he's why i cant sleep at night
he's the one that i wanted
he's the sad song on repeat
he's the reason i hate love
he's all i think about
the only reason i keep wishing

she is his now
she is so lucky
she better not break his heart
she better hold him tight
and look in those beautiful eyes

he's the reason for the teardrops
the reason the sad song is always on repeat
maybe ill get some sleep tonight
i put his picture down

he's the one that caused this heart break.
i fake a smile so he wont see

some(one) new

i chose to walk into the unknown
i wanna see things i haven't been shown
away from the drone and the old tone
i wanna be challenged
i wanna have to work at it
not smirk when he says "that irks me"
i love having to try
and a bove all...
i'm new to him and so that means...
well, he appreciates me
he can see
how good i try to be
he tries to be rough (around the edges)
but one look is enough (these biggy blue eyes get him good)
he can't be a tough guy
around me he knows he can fly
shoot, he's cute
and i like him a lot
for now that's all i got

Big Red I'm sorry about what I said, but here's another rhyme about the class with the man and end rhyme so sublime. I sit and as I spit into the mic, I wonder what Levi would do when he knew he used to. I should be studying but I cant stop thinking about the sweet Soliloquies that were the bees-nees. Wishing and hoping for another door to open, into the decorated walls that comprise those halls. Needing more on that floor, in front of judgemental owl eyes that don't dispise. With the mic that I control, leaving everyone frozen like the north pole in my control. All of my troubles realesed to the world to catalyst thought, like the debate in class about pot. Leaving the lyrics surviving in reminisance, allways in the distance, but never really vanishing form existance. -Rabbit-aka-cookiegobbla-

Dear Sir,

Dear Sir,

usually with a heading like that you're telling someone they're dead, but no it's alive in my head. Everyday I hear myself say I'm going to do something meaningful in some way. When I first heard those prompts I didn't know what to do I felt like a foo(l). But then my writing started to spew,Thanks to you.

Being new is tough stuff it's really rough. The best thing that could have happened to me was being in this class, it was a blast and I wish it could last. But it's about to close which really blows where will my writing be left to flow? It could just go. Rdg Analytical sounds like Creative Writings' foe. I'll have to use my free time to make my ryhmes but they will be just like a mime stuck inside a box with locks under rocks. No longer for a grade will they fade?

Not only did you give my words aid but you let me know even when I go, you will still care which has been rare. You've done more for me than you probably know. You've allowed me to feel emotions so real and created for me a way to deal with them not only have you filled my words' blanks you saved me from an emotional tank for everything you've done, Thanks.

So Thanks for everything you've let me know, and as it's almost time to go I'll keep a special space, it's own place, I'll even make a base and I'll put it higher than the one's of the first friend I made here, or the first time I went to lunch with my now usual bunch the memory of the one who made writing fun but who also took away my fears and who I got more from than all my peers. My biggest influence from the year. I want to state it again so it's not a blur,

Thanks for everything Sir.

First Love

Though time and time again I feel alone
I will choose to be free
I will no longer let you tie me down
Your memories haunt me
You were the first person I trusted outside of my family
You were the first person who I knowingly hurt
Yet you have moved on happily
You even got married
Yet I fear even a date
I thought you were my forever
Then you changed
I sent you away
I prayed you would come back
Now here I sit at this desk writing a piece I know you will never recieve
I am writing to free myself from you
It hurts to say goodbye
But I have come to understand that you must say goodbye even when it hurts
So I will say it now
Goodbye my first love
I pray you aren't my last
But I pray that forever we will remember each other

To my first love.

(this is kind of jumbled but I just kinda threw it out there)

You Pick

you should have known me before we met. before my life became exciting. before you gave me a reason to stick around and find out more about this life i was so eager to leave.
you you you.
you've woken me fromt he trance i've been in for so long. you don't even know what i've been through but you don't care. every word you let escape from your mouth, each look that pierces like an arrow shooting from your eye, it gives me life, gives me feeling again, real feeling. not fake, overexicting,bubbliness but gut punching toe tingling, buzzing feeling. a good feeling. i don't think you realize what you've done.
i want to be around you always. i don't want this sensation to go away. but i must keep my distance.
i might get annoyting
you might grow weary of my anxious face.
the more i want to grow closer, the more you seem to push away.
that's how it always tends to be and then i'm left to be alone with only me.
but it's gonna be different this time i've promised myself it will.
i've made too many mistakes before.
Too many of the typical you walk out the door.

I Am

I am the stained clothes at the bottom of the drawer
I am the old toy you don't use anymore
I am the magazine at the bottom of the stack
I am the ragged towel that will never grace the rack
I am your baseball when football season is on
I am the long grass when the snow holds the dawn
I am the tile under the new kitchen floor
I am the rug that stays at the back door
I am the first cell phone you ever got
I am the apple core left in your room to rot
I am the scunci that used to reside in your hair
I am the pink elephant you won at the fair
I am the picture you let fade
I am your notebook from 2nd grade
I am everything neglected
I am everything ignored
I am everything you visit only when extremely bored

As I read my memoir...

Hold back your tears
Don't let them see your fear
Why can't I find my breath
Sweet heavens my heart hurts
Breathing is so difficult
I read this over and over to defeat the tears
I knew this would be difficult but what else could I have written
How my father is never there
How I learned not to jump on the bed
How my mom is my hero
They are topics about me but they aren't me holding his hand and feeling the last beat of his pulse
They aren't about the man I loved more then anything
Heavens stop these tears from falling
How many others suffered like me
How many others know my pain
Grandpa are you here with me
This memoir to you does not justify how great you were and still are to me
My memories are haunting me again
Heh, those puppies I just pushed them together on Sunday Grandpa
But its not the same without you
This time I fought back tears
I didn't laugh
Grandpa I need you
I have forgotten how to laugh
Grandpa I am crying...you always told me to smile
Grandpa this memoir I read to this class is helping me heal
Yet healing is painful
Every time I try to hide from this healing truth I run farther from happiness
Heavens, why do these tears fall
My strength is faltering
I'm almost at the end
Thank the heavens
Maybe now I can smile at the world
Maybe now I can be strong enough
Strong enough to be free of this memories haunting ghost
Maybse now I can smile as I tell my Grandpa goodbye
Maybe now I can look out at my peers as I read my memoir.

Grandpa, Grandma I love you now and forever. Goodbye.

Keeping up with the Joneses

"why, oh why...how did it happen?"
A mother sits on a couch across from a man, a strange man from the detective agency. The morning began with a phone call and a question, "Mrs. Jones, could I come over? There's something I wish I didn't have to tell you." So she, Mrs. Adrian M. Jones, fixed breakfast and waited for this stranger to come to her home and tell her that her daughter had been the victim of a mass rapist/murderer. She cries and cries, hoping, wishing it was a lie. Sometimes Sam didn't come home at night, but a friend always brought her home in the morning. Sam was a beautiful girl, 5'6 with wavy chestnut hair. Her blue eyes laughed at the world and everybody said she had her mother's figure and her smile - a compliment she never fully understood because she never knew her mother was a model.
A woman sits in bed and weeps. Her baby gone, her husband, as far as she knows, dead somewhere overseas, she forgets everything. She forgets to eat or drink or how to move. She forgets her name and what she looks like and what season it is.
That same man from the detective agency visits the home of the Joneses for the second time, to see another dead Jones woman. Her cheeks are hollow, her hair matted, her body emaciated. He'll bury her next to her daughter and the world'll have to find another Joneses to keep up with.

Don't move past this~

The moment it falls off your lips you feel the silence, shadowing your heart
At a glance you see the smile
An embrace that seems to last an eternity
Love? Is this real? Please say yes.
The step together never missed
The perfect beat always there
A proclamation, A realization
Life? Will this end? Please say no, don’t let me move past this
I belong, the world seems right
A sensation so warm
I belong, life can never fail
Light? Can happiness truly be found? Please answer honestly
A spring of freedom
A glimpse of bliss
A home for sanctuary
Fear? Can you be conquered? Will I be allowed to never move past this?

To the ones who would decide my future for me...

You want something different;
Unique
Well here it lies on your desk;
Discarded
Red, Black, Silver echoing around as slowly I choose the topic of my piece
Drifting through an empty space
Knowledge seems to fail me
I am one with who I am
I am torn from who I want to be
Choices flow through my mind
Torn between my passion and reality
How will I choose to make my mark?
Through strong business my reality lies
Through beats un-real does my passion lay
Appraised I seem un-worthy
Watched I seem perfect
Trials hide what could have been;
Perfection
You see a score
I see determination attempted
You see imperfection I see trials improving;
Me
You guide upon wishes which help me naught
I stray upon wishes which show me the way
I am different
I am the same
Happy as this time may seem
My truth is shattered by loss
In reality and mind
A loss of life
A loss of sanctuary
In this time my perseverance seems lost;
Wasted
Places that would push me to succeed turn away
You see a score
I see a need of true teaching
You see a number
I see a human
I see an individual fore-going the old routine
You wanted something different
Here it is lying on your desk;
Unique.

thank you

im free
there is
a God

A Love Poem?

Whenever I'm around you,
whenever our eyes meet,
my palms clam up my neck sweats
and my heart skips a beat.
My mind fills up with thoughts
wonderful thoughts about you.
And I'm thinking maybe, just maybe
you may have these thoughts too.
I think about us together, such perfection you'd create
I fell for you completely,
just like a fish to bait.
Companionship is an obstacle,
a trying difficult maze
but all that's meant for me to have,
is you only through my gaze.

Journals of the 48 hour flu

Friday December 1st, 2006
It was a great school day but the weekend is here!
And the next school week is all too near.
I really want to have some fun
but leave plenty of time to get my homework done.
Because I really do have a lot to do,
english memoir, psyc packet and my sketchbook too.
But we are going to go bowling tonight.
I beat them so bad it wasn't even right.
Now it's time to go home and I'm not too sad
because that headache I had, is now pretty bad.
We're at my house time to end my ride,
so I can get out and go inside
take some asprin and go to bed.

Saturday December 2, 2006 (It Begins)
4:30 a.m oh my gosh it's freezing,
and the feeling in my stomach is far from pleasing.
I'm so thirsty I want something to drink.
I'll do anything to leave this ice rink.
I drink a whole glass and then go back to sleep
but long enough to go into deep (sleep)
I'm up again at 5:22
This time it's clear I have a fever too.
Oh great I must be sick.
Then there's no question I run out quick.
Oh that hurt my throat burns
I want to lay down as my stomach churns
but I got to change my clothes first
keeping them on would be the worst.
I'll go through this cycle six more times
so I won't make six individual ryhmes.

It's 8 o clock now maybe I'll see
if I can get some white soda without paying a physical fee.
o.k. I'll try, big mistake
I'm so lightheaded I almost tanked.
No I'll just lay back down
and wait for someone to come around.
I call my Mom for some T.L.C.
I'm distracted by commotion over the Christmas tree.
oh wow I'm more tired than I thought
I feel like my whole body has begun to rot.

Sunday December 3rd, 2006
Oh wow it's eleven o' clock
I slept a lot better than I thought
wow I'm hungry this is new
I'm also pretty thirsty too.
Real food today, not just soup?
Maybe I can even get out of my coop,
and now I'm starting to freak out.
For all that homework I forgot about
No, I'm told I still need to rest,
that I'm not yet back to my best.
o.k. I finally give in and say
so I layed in bed and watched Roseanne all day.
Now that I think about it my body aches.
And I still have those cold shakes.
I'm hungry, but I still feel gross
so all that's brought to me is dry toast.
There's good news if I take this o.k.
I can have a broth cube today!
Yeah that's not too exciting,
maybe I'll do some writing.
SO this poem came out and I thought I'd post.
I hope you didn't think it was gross.

another mess to clean

i am a fool.
how in hell did i think ,
think that there could ever,
ever be something.
i was lost,
lost in your spell.
you are only my worst enemy,
but i am so mezmerized,
by your actions,
and thoses eyes.
i need to dodge your bullets.
you are killing me.
my heart is shreading right before your eyes.
but you will never know.
because i am never opening my mouth.
never hinting and a slight thing.
never going to tell you.
how stupid could i be,
stupid enough to be trapped
trapped in your web.
too late, im caging my feelings.
the worse part is
that ill regret every moment
i spend with you or with out you
and you not knowing who i
really am and what im all about
im taking my love
your going to break my heart anyway
im hitting the road.
i have gotta clean up this mess
the mess i only knew i would have to clean up.
im just wasting my time.

My Rubberbands

The rubberbands on my wrist are to make me a better person,
I want to stop this now before it can worsen.
They're not for accessory or to start a new trend.
I'm just trying to get my bad habit to mend.
I'll put another one on each time I slip,
until I finally get my habit to flip.
Today I finished with quite a few,
out of my mouth they really flew.
It's not like I say them to try to be cool,
but sometimes they're used as societys' fuel.
Some are not too bad, some more severe.
Each time I say one I almost shed a tear,
because that means one more rubberband.
Another one pulls over my hand.
That proves I need to make this habit right,
before my hair turns gray or white.
But it's hard to stop something you've done for a while,
I would much rather run the mile.
But the rubberbands remind me that it can be done.
When it's all done I'll see the sun.
I don't have to use them to get my point out.
I'll force myself to take a different route.
But sometimes I feel like I'll never be done.
I want to look down and see less than one.
So, I put my hand in my pocket on my prayer token,
and thats when I'm certain this habit can be broken.
I don't want to say them anymore, that's how I want to be.
Rubberbands are the plan. So I guess we'll see

it's over

not cut out for this
won't be back
don't know what that guy wants
got muscle got
fame
serious ricks yet
still wants outta the game
learn how to protect
he wants you
end of the line doing it
for him
who would you call
i'm brutal and
picky
i'll get back at him for
you need this apron
be my slave for a while
my goal to bring you back together:feeding
the hungry ghost
so many terrors
got an arguing door never
wants to close.
i was just wondering
how long these cravings
are planning to last.
this monkey business could tear us apart
sorry but
you're not the baby no more
shave off our time scrape
by scrape
i'll pretend to be hopeful but
give it a few weeks
tops.
pray it works out. but
no secret its out
this is the last stand.

ready set go

pop pop, drop and stop. shake and try not to break, make it and fake it and take it to the top. bounce, bop, bam bam baby, slam it and....and....damn it! fall to the floor and then pick it up to soar and roar above the crowd that's way too loud. shine, it's your time, stop being a mime, take it, say "it's mine." don't worry and don't be scared just come prepared to talk one talk and walk a walk because that's what we people do, we don't wanna be new. scream and dream and even when it may seem that you're lost and cris-crossed, find your cost and be sold without being told you have to be bold. try to love and rise above a cold cold world, with your fingers curled into a tight white fist you've never missed but....oops, now your head droops and you make loops in your hair it's not fair why do all the people stare? hey hey pretty girl, your eyes are like a swirl, a twirl of yellow and green and blue they're so new and the boys'll take their cue and fall in love with you. now end it, send it, i won't to mend it or defend it, it's over and done with and all i am is a myth

To Whom it Concerns

To whom it concerns,

Let me see where should I begin,
to make me feel like accepting me would be a win?
If you looked at my grades, you probably shuddered,
they wern't always as smooth as butter.
This last one was good though, see?
Four A's and only one B.
And my A.C.T. scores you wonder?
That was a slight blunder.
But the problem I have,
more than half of that test is science and math.
And well you see
I excel in English and History.
And History wasn't even on the test,
so I couldn't show you my absolute best.
It's just equations, numbers, and formulas all get lost in my head,
but I could make a top 100 list of the books I've read.
What is it you want more?
I could tell you the start through end of any American war.
There's got to be more good, let's see
I won my 3rd through 7th grade spelling bees.
So you see I dont really sound that bad.
If you don't accept me, I'd be pretty sad.
Imagine what you'd do to my confidence,
collapse it like an old wooden fence.
Oh there's one more thing I forgot to share
and I just want to be totally fair,
see I have no idea what to do next year
but that's not a problem so have no fear.
I have quite a few future plans I could go for
and as soon as I'm able to pick one I will soar.
As you can see college would be for the better,
so when should I be expecting that acceptance letter?

"I'm Home"

Her death seemed unreal
Her smile was gone
She told me to never leave her and suddenly she never came back
Sweet laughter haunts my sleep as I tell myself that I could have stopped it
Her love is gone
God, why did I fail her
She was always there for me and I betrayed her
Why can't this be just a dream
Her jokes, her smiles, her tears fill my mind every day
I was her death
I fought she cared for my wounds
I cried she wiped away my tears
I smiled she smiled
She laughed she lit up my world
She was and is my best friend
I wish this was a scary joke
I wish she would come through the door and say 'I'm home' once again.

Written after a nightmare woke me up for a friend who is still alive.

~reikan~

It's been awhile but here's a random attempt....

Why does it hurt so bad
You never really knew me
Yet all along there were words I never could say
I tried but always failed
The words seemed false when they came to light
I tried to help so much that your fears became mine
And yet now you are walking away
and now all I can say is I'll miss you and please remember me.

Coward

Maybe ill gain enough courage to tell you with in the next twenty four hours. I need you to understand the way I am feeling about this. This meaning all my feelings. Because I dont know what you are feeling. So Im telling you. Maybe you will figure it out. But part of me wants you to know nothing about this. But heres the cold hard truth. I like you. No one would expect it. Weird I know. Maybe you will take it all in and understand why I feel the way I feel. I know im worth it.

Message In A Bottle

My message in a bottle, is for only you to see,
to understand to figure out what is my destiny.
What am I supposed to be,
and just what is it that makes up me?
I don't know what to do next year
and that I won't figure it out is my biggest fear.
"It will come to you" is all I hear.
But how can I just wait for a decision so large?
I'm supposed to be the one in charge.
Everyone else knows what they will do,
so why can't I figure it out too?
I'd like to think it's because there is more to me,
and you don't get just what you see.
But I really feel surrounded by the best
and that I just don't measure up to all the rest.
This year has proved to be quite the test.
I don't like this feeling, I just want to know
where exactly my life is going to go.
But I still don't so what I'm going to do,
is put my message in a bottle for you.

First Move

I wish I could tell the whole world.
Shout from every roof top.
Let the people of earth know my secret.
The one I keep tucked away inside of me.
The type of secret you only tell your best friend, but somehow everyone esle knows.
But secretly you dont care because you wanted people to know.
The difference between this secret and others, is that mine could kill me.
If I get it off my chest, good thing I have this bullet proof vest.
This secret that so many know, but so little would approve, is screaming, its going to rebel and make its way out of my body somehow.
There is no way in the entire world I'll let him know.
Because I know he expects nothing, or doesnt even sence it at all.
Everyone would hate me, they would all disapprove.
But I sure do like him, but how do I make my move?

Exhaustion

I've given all I have, and yet you people want more. More emotion, more thought, more truth. I swear, I've outdone myself but it's like a mad footrace to see who can do more. I've exhausted my vocabulary, searching for words to say something new; I feel like I lost this game I set out knowing I would surely win. Honestly, I've tried so hard and I've gone so far and told so much but I feel defeated, broken down, and beaten by this world. The demands, the expectations, give me more or you'll fall just like all the others who tried to step up, the ones who scored a few times but peaked at a young age and now nobody knows their names. I want my name known...

Anything Left

love has lost its mystery.

pain has lost its agony.

food has lost its flavor.

color has lost its appealing nature.

laughter has lost its energy.

competing has lost its thrill.

conversation has lost its trust.

home has lost its whereabouts.

this girl has lost herself.

Tell me: Truth.

I dont know much.
Much about anything.
What I do know is this:
My heart screams out your name.
You make your way into my thoughts.
And in my dreams.
My pen seems to spit our your name.
I have an urge to confess my sins to you.
I cant hide theses feelings much longer.
They are going to blow up inside of me.
I have to tell you the truth.
It will only get harder the more I know.
But you will reject me.
I can feel it.
I'm not your type.
You are way out in left field,
While I warm up the bench.
But I wish you would take me away.
And show me where your heart is some day.
I have hope.
I can wish.
I wonder.
But,
If anyone can make it,
I'm betting on me and you.

i am.

i am the compass…leading the way
i am your trailer hitch…hooked on you
i am the bedroom fan...delivering fresh air
i am your mail…open me
i am your baseball cap…never leave with out it
i am your saxophone…like music to your ears
i am the curfew that brings you home
i am your cell phone…dialed into you
i am the candle on the birthday cake…the one you can’t blow out
i am the e-break…stopping everything

Poetry; The tireless construction

An open window,
an open door,
a place where no one says no more.
But it's not quite as easy as it seems,
to make your ends justify the means.
I sit in the room all by myself,
with my notebook below me my greatest wealth.
If I could just get this poem out of my head,
I would be satisfied, then I could go to bed.
But I stare at the page because I don't know what to write
so I scribble in the margin, until a new word comes into sight.
I make a mental list, do these two ryhme?
Yes! It's perfect, it worked this time.
I look at the page, there's more black than white,
so I go toward the wall to turn off the light.
But no I'm not done, it's not time yet.
I will not sleep until this poem is set.
As as I sit there waiting for inspiration to hit,
I find myself wanting to throw a fit.
Because I'm stuck, I can't think I'm at a block.
All I can focus on is the wall's noise, tick tock,
because I can't quite get the words on the page,
they are stuck inside of me in a locked cage.
Then the haze clears and I can finally see,
my poem can be anything I want it to be.
Maybe light as a feather,
or tough as leather.
It's all mine, I can do whatever.
But I'm going to stop writing and take my bow,
read it, don't, like it ,love it anything, it's yours now.

Psychoactive Substance

As he sits in the empty kitchen
waiting and wishing for someone-anyone to be pitchen,
he craves the euphoric effects
thinking about what it would be like inhaling the vaporized morphine
without the wax, lipids, and latex componets,
and only getting pure contaminants.
The poppy seed and codine takes over his thoughts,
he is a slave and his master resides in pots.
The sedative sweeps over him with thickly-veiled addiction and withdrawls,
and now Coldridge's unfinished Kubla Khan calls.
Is this a nation of hallucination?
Or is the CSA in control,
keeping the world from becoming a narcotic black hole?
Numbness of the percaset and vicadine,
as the herion pulses through his viens.
He doesn't want to face his pains
even contemplating blowing out his brains.
The existance is becoming distant.
Gasping for breath in the wading velvet sea,
now having to give the devil a plea.
Antiphsychotics, stimulants, and depressants...What is your poison?
The bright sky clouded with a haze of smoke and coke
brings him back to existance.
Coming down not wanting to face the fact,
doing anything to retract.
As he snorts the shakes come back,
hitting the floor...
closing the casket and no longer craving more.

Definition of love? Self Love.

I've never been more happy, now that I'm with you,
you make me smile with the very slightest thing you do.
I remember the day we met to the slightest detail,
even your stupid green shirt: "I'm over it let's bail".
You're the only guy thats given me just one butterfly,
and you're the only guy under fifty that can pull off a flower tie.
I even like all the stupid things you do,
that get laughed at endlessly, by the rest of our crew.
I want to tell you, I want to say it so bad.
But with everyone else our age, those words are just a fad.
I've never had such feelings before
but they are so real, straight from the core.
Hmm i wonder is it time for the "L" word?
My Mom says of course not "That's Absurd"!
But I will tell you anyway because that's how I feel.
From deep down inside of me, these feelings are so real.
You were the first Valentine I ever had.
I didn't think you could ever make me sad.
So then I said it "I love you".
And you told me back I don't think I love you too.
Then you said I'm sorry I think it's over.
I couldn't believe it, I thought are you sober?
You said come on we were better off as friends,
and that's how my "perfection" came to an end.
All I wished for right then was a magic wand
so I could say "poof" and fix our bond.
But there was no repair we really were done.
And the we i had known suddenly became one.
I must thank you now, that was quite the test.
And you set the bar high for all the rest.
I'm happy now I hope you can see.
And it's not with you it's just with me.
Because before you can love anyone else,
You must first truly love yourself.

woot-woot

YEAH!!!! I'm finally on the blog! I couldn't believe it until i saw my writing on there...and it only took me what a month and a half. Oh well ya gotta be known for something!

--We call everyone Sir in Illinois--

Hospital Waiting room

The blue walls, the stiff smell, the squeak of feet. You sit there with your mind on everything else but the present. You're lost in your mental scrapbook. Remember the time... remember when... You get the news but it seems impossible to refer to the person in the past tense because moments ago they were "here". You can't look anyone directly in the face, you are so inside yourself you can't some out. Tears fill your eyes and you can't breathe. It's over and you know it. There's nothing you can do. You look at the people celebrating in the next one with mint green walls, no stiff smell, no squeak of feet to distract you from the good news the Doctor came in and told them. They hug and look at each other, they got another chance, a new beginning. They are happy. Days ago a baby was born in this room, the news filled the air, the cry. Now today a different cry. Pain, an ending, a moment, and all in a hospital waiting room.

Hey, ___:

You smile, I smile...it's a domino effect. When you laugh - you have one of those laughs that makes me happy cuz it's so goofy and contagious - I have to at least giggle. You're funny, you're kind, you're easy-going. But I don't know you that well, just the school you. I wonder what you're like outside of this building. I wonder how you treat your friends, your enemies, your siblings. I've only been alone with you once, for a few minutes, and I found myself wondering what to say, wanting to make you laugh so I could laugh and the tension would break. I catch myself looking at you just wondering what you think about, cuz there's got to be more to you than the person I see in class...what makes you tick? When you talk I wanna listen, what you write I wanna read. Too bad you're totally and completely out of my reach, way out of my league.....?

Lance Anti Doping

I love this spot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIl5RxhLZ5U

Lance crash

Lance Armstrong Crash
Lance got tangled up on a musette (food bag) that a spectator was holding. He then came back to win the Stage! What a Monster! He's awesome.
Click for the Video

Awesome highlight reel here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QjYx6drVaA

Just Another Face

I don't know how to begin this. Not with Dear, not with Hello, we have moved pass that. You cannot start a letter with Dear, its too formal, you are not breaking someones heart, you are not sending them a Dear John letter, you are smiply "gettting together" with them. You are having a cup of coffee with them. You think you can hear their voice when you are reading the letter out loud. But when I wrote this letter to you it wasnt my voice that was saying the words, it was mearly helping my heart along the , rather a support.

I do not have many questions for you, nor do I wish to know the answers to my questions. I want to spill my heart out for you. Its my writing that does the talking. I am too much of a chicken to say something to you, something that isnt funny or that isnt making fun of someone, or that isnt stupid, or even making fun of you. I laugh at your jokes, even when they arent funny, and i laugh when you make fun of someone. Maybe you notice me, maybe you dont. So I spill my heart out on paper, just to let you know how I truly feel.

For some odd reason I am drawn to you. I feel connected to you in an awkward sort of way. I cant control it. Its a feeling that I have. I am not going to say sorry, because that would be like telling you that I cant be real. But real is what this is, a feeling, a slight emotion. But I am crushed, crushed by the fact that ill never be in that picture, the picture of your future. Ill just be another memory, or worse just another face in our senior yearbook.

Reasons to Ask Leyba to Prom

It isn't too early to start planning
Pros
ü Leyba is old school/retro and that is so hot right now
ü Leyba knows what all the silverware is for at the restaurant
ü Leyba is taller than the freshman you were gonna ask
ü Leyba has no cerfew
ü Leyba is trusted by parents
ü One word—mad booty dance skills
ü Can you say “heads turned?”
ü Leyba isn’t sweaty
ü No awkward silences with Leyba
ü No post-prom stalking
ü No weird middle of the prom fights
ü Everyone wants to be in his group
ü Won’t constantly check his phone
ü You can wear mongo heels
ü You can dance with other people’s dates
ü Leyba’s mom won’t take 100 pictures

Cons
Ø My wife and family want to be in the pictures
Ø Dance moves are old
Ø People will be jealous
Ø You buy dinner
Ø People will make fun of you at the 10 year reunion
Ø You’ll piss off other people’s dates when you dance with em
Ø That picture of the group on the staircase—weird
Ø Slow dances
Ø Leyba wears his old Rob Lowe St. Elmo’s Fire autograph model
earring(see movie)
Ø Leyba keeps requesting Duran Duran and Flock of Seagulls at DJ
booth
Ø Leyba mistakes crowd laughter for cheers while dancing
Ø Leyba says “sick” all evening long
Ø Long line for photos with Leyba
Ø Leyba changes outfits like 3 times at After Prom
Ø People whisper a lot when you walk past them

Dirty Vegas

I have something more meaningful
than an
A
For you.

Respect.

I miss you

Done. Over. I quit, you quit, we're through. Well actually it was just me that quit, gave up, stopped trying. While you were crying and dying because I was leaving, I was running faster and farther away, just wanting it to be over. "It's not that I don't care, I do! I just....I dunno, it's just time" These things sound so cliche to me but how else to say it? I do still care, I do still love...but I'm not still in love. So it wouldn't be fair, would it, to you or to me for this lie to keep on, to fake a kiss and force a smile. "I want to be friends, I want us to be okay...but I'll understand if you hate me for a while." I bet you don't believe me, the last thing you want is my friendship right now, now that I've torn your heart from your chest and stomped on it. Is that how it feels? Do you think I'm meaning to hurt you like this? But there's no other way, breaking up always hurts one more than the other....doesn't it? Just because I did it does that mean I don't hurt, don't cry, don't feel an emptiness in my heart that I haven't felt for so many years. "The last time I didn't have you I was a sophomore." You make me realize how much we've grown up together. It hurts when I think about it, I'm crying now, it's setting in, no more dinners with your family, no more lessons on calculus, no more doing homework together after school, no more texting into the night....no more you. I'll miss you. I'm missing you. I miss you.